me in speedboat




Today I maybe going to a seminar that is free. I should have gone last week instead.
I am going to work now.

I justr had a cappucino glass of wheatgrass juice...blrrhhrhrhrrhh, my throat!
I am packing some organic bananas. I will probably eat lychees when I get to work.
Fresh Orange juice is squeezed today and so is Guarapo.

I would like to really have a fruitful day and have a lot of work. I like paperwork. It is my favorite. I like dealing with checks and big wholesale business accounts. someone always writes down something wrong I have to fix. Even if it is 50 cents.

I had a stomache ache last night. the nut pate was too heavy for me. I should have added red bell pepper.

///////////


my Icon

Today I had Lychees, Sugar cane juice, thai Coconut water, a quart.
I ate a bowl of Mix 4 ( Alfalfa, Clover, buckwheat, Fenugreeketc ) with Tahini Garlic Lemon dressing.
I burped alot after and it was like yuccy

I am going to drive to Fort Lauderdale now. I am so excited to see what this free seminar is.
It is about how to see the possiblities in your life. I have to get ready.

////

Landmark forum Seminar
The Free seminar I went to (introductory )
LANDMARK FORUM

I went to the Landmark Forum.
I do not know who I am writing to. My mind is totally blown away.
I feel really down. I never really knew myself at all.

It was one serious mind fuck.

What I got out of it was picking an area of my life
and looking at it.
All we do is live out the past. The future is the past for all of us. We forsee things and react to certain people..all based on our past..

When something doesn't work, people make up stories..legitimate and reinforcing cycle..but even if its a good story..it isn't that way at all. IT's YOU.. and it own't go away..ever..until you fix it.

When something does not work in one
(example)
relationship..it will carry onto the next..
It's not who is right or wrong..it just " DOESN"T work.."
" it just doesn't work".....it
and that is inside of you ..
it's you that doesn't work and are keeping it from working
in the part of you that doesn't even know it doesn't know..
that will forver block you from whatever is keeping you from your ideal business, family etc..

and the chances are that it will keep you from other important areas in your life

Truth is NOBODY knows the future. Or how people truly will act or be..or basically we know nothing NOTHING except our past.

The Future = past

If you pay 400 dollars for an all day 3 day thing they teach you tools to learn to say goodbye to these awful patterns we don't even see..
and..
make you have the life you want
. I didn't sign up of course

But everyone I talk to had tears in their eyes and told me miracles about themselves..a little cultish.

They also mentioned INVENTING POSSIBILITIES

I saw sooooo many new possibilities for myself..it really is life changing..just listenening to these mad crazy theories..

I mean I read all the self help books..this was another library altogether

It was really a brutally honest seminar. People were coming up to me and just wanting to know what part of my life I was working on and I was telling strangers everything and seeing things in a totally frightening but sobering way.

Oh well.. I am left not knowing or trusting me and how I see the world.

I know that ON MY OWN and from RAW FOODS
I have TRANSFORMED..
yet it wasn't enough to totally fix all areas of my life..

I am thinking about joining.. I want to know all these secrets..it's not like Anthony Robbins at all..this is like change your brain drastically to change your life..three day intensive self focus workshops..where you stand up in front of everybody too..Breakthrus and breakdowns and transformation..

I can do anything. Everything is possible.

I want to be so good.

I want to look at areas of my life that don't work.. and see the probable future if I don't change..and then see what I am being, having and doing in areas of my life..

and then I want to see what is missing, the presence of which would make a difference in my way of being
(pure Past, perfect family, stability and consistency, inclusion..etc)
and then invent possibilities..and play around

my blind spots in my brain..this invisible thing that ruins everything I love so much.. I want to be gone..
I want a clean slate!!!!!!!!!

MARCH 1 2006

Miami (MIA)
Depart 5:40 pm to Paris (CDG)
Arrive 8:05 am +1 day
Terminal 2C 4579 mi
(7369 km)
Duration: 8hr 25mn

Flight: 95

————————————————————————————————————————

Economy/Coach Class ( 21A ), Meal, Boeing 747-400


————————————————————————————————————————


Total distance: 4579 mi (7369 km)
Total duration: 8hr 25mn


Mon Mar-13-2006

Paris (CDG)
Depart 10:55 am
Terminal 2C to Miami (MIA)
Arrive 2:50 pm 4579 mi
(7369 km)
Duration: 9hr 55mn

Flight: 90

————————————————————————————————————————

Economy/Coach Class ( 21A ), Meal, Boeing 747-400


————————————————————————————————————————


Total distance: 4579 mi (7369 km)
Total duration: 9hr 55mn



I really want someone to go with me to Paris.
I was going to buy someone's ticket to go with me and smile.

I better save for hotel and bus/trains pass..but I think I can walk around, rather.

Hotels good ones are like 120 a night. so i need like 1500 just for hotel.

FOOD,
I would say 20 dollars a day,from the markets and totally mono..the same kind of fruit or veggie.. but I know I am the type that eats whatever I feel like. It is hard to budget with my stomach. Let's say 50 a day...600..$

Plus museums and stuff..well..that will depend on my savings.. I am not going, to spend money. I am going to get away.

I wonder if it is chilly in March? Well ,I better bring a scarf!

I have always wanted to do something like this, like my whole life!
I know everything about Paris from reading 50-75 French Lit. books a year around my early 20's.

I am going to be a good girl and stay in at night and try my hardest to meet vegetarians there before I go. I have a whole year to prepare. I will visit all my fave french authors homes, Honore Balzac FIRST!

I know French People are snobby, but I am happy just being me and not noticing.

It is going to be so special. My break from everything !

I will get food at Organic markets and eat mono meals.

///

For Breakfast I had a bowl of Bee pollen. 3 Hours later I was so excited about everything and anything. I felt excited love about everything, too

Lunch was Organic sliced Cucumbers with Tahini.

Thai Coconut water.

Tonight is my mom's Bday. We are going to Play Dominoes and watch Napolean Dynomite.

Tommorow I made reservations for me, her and my brother ( I Know she will be happy if we are all together)
and I am paying for everybody at SUBLIME http://www.sublimevege.com/
It is a vegetarian restaurant, vegan,
actually and they have a raw menu..in Ft. Lauderdale

There is a hurricane..Dennis..and it makes every leaf do wild dances all day today.
I was under the avocado tree loving out on Bee pollen watching every leaf go crazy. Mangoes falling.

I am going to mash up some Avos with Tahini dressing and drink fresh squeezed OJ

Yesterday i was really freaked out by the bombings in London. I imagined them. It was so horrific.
My life is beautiful
I am just
for once falling in this comfort pillow like thing
called consistency.
I am making a home. Knowing I will stay forever.


I imagine that I will keep my space.
I imagine I will be ok.
I am happy where I am.
I have what I want.
..

I am nowhere and its NOW

I am in love.
With myself .

I love fruit, too .
I love this Hurricane weather.

Water everywhere!
Water on the windows like hail!

I am love with grand dreams of my future
where things happen to me that are completely new.

I want to be put into the life I never was a part of.

I want the best.
I only see the best in my future...

I have to be free. Free to choose the best for me!
But I do Love..that is all I do.


Good choices I make are always easy. {The rewards are my fuel}

My god I love College Radio.

I am the greatest.

Thank you God for everything!


My friend Christy and her boyfriend are on a beach in Costa Rica now.

July 9th
THIS MORNING I HAD A GREEN SMOOTHIE
2 mangos
1/2 bunch Parsley

...yummy and strangley exciting for me

I found my Mac knife..the sharpest knife around
(besides a CERAMIC ONE , WHICH I WANT To own someday)

...so I went crazy. I cut open Mangoes and sliced tomatoes
like BUTTER
Put them on Dehydrator rack with some fresh SAGE.

I blended mangoes and am making
MANGO ROLL UPS

I am making them to bring to all my coworkers.
My new family I like to feed.

I also took some grapes and am making raisins.

All at 105 temp.

Very Hurricaney outside..it's so grey with rain and wind and everything is in puddles. I like.

I wrote WITH A SHARPIE on my Bamboo cutting boards and my mac knife : NO DEAD ANIMALS.

I will go to heaven ( here on earth) and be visited by only angels on my shoulder like in cartoons. True.

I have come really far and am noticing how I train my mind, sometimes I backtrack, but that is becoming less and less..
to go in a postive path..

sometimes it is very subtle but I DO know when to say,
hey! LOOK UP TOWARDS THE LIGHT
towards the new beginning, the new life filled with things that happen exactly as I want them to!

I am so excite to go to Sublime Tonight!
To hold me over, sliced Tomatoes , Rosemary and Onion slices with Mango Passion raw dressing!

I am sewing all my clothes that have rips.
////

Paris money.
If I work one hour more at work and only spend 20 dollars a day on food and save 260 a week
I will have AVERAGE 11 grand+ 700 I have
saved up for trip with an extra 100 a week to spend per week, that is 20 dollars a day budget.. Some nights I can til 6
if I spend only 12 a day on food which some days I don't buy anything..and put away 300 I will have 12,600 + 700 I have

That means I won't be able to buy anyone bday gifts or take anyone anywhere for dinner or anything. I am very generous..but I am sure everyone will understand I have a budget for Paris. I can make stuff. I have paints and things.

I fortunately live at home. I have to find my own space here and get along with everybody all the time. It's done.

I love you..

So I am going to work until 5:30/ maybe I can do 6, I am not doing anything else really and work is so easy and fun.
spend only 12 dollars a day on food
save 300 a week.
Whatever is left from working longer I will use for necessities. Like I buy anything besides clothes but that is only because I have had nothing to save for.

My coworkers wanted me to go to Landmark Forum. It's ok. I did research and it is a little weird.
I will politely excuse myself.

Anything extra I make like selling stuff or paintings I have to pay my overdraft credit card. That's it.

Part of appreciating money is being frugal.

//
Sublime called. they are closed because their power went out. I forget there is a hurricane.
The sky outside is PINK. Trees and leaves flying
hailing noises.

A car in our parking lot got smashed because a lightpole fell on it.

///

Having a kid is like getting free love unconditionally

If I ever need money for things like clothes and stuff, I can always work at the Coconut grove Farmer's market Saturdays!!! Stan said they could always use me.

I finished reading TREE OF KNOWLEDGE by Henry James. I really enjoyed it.
I read Ernest Hemingway's "A clean well lighted place"..This morning

Ernest H. Killed himself and most of his stories centralize around this theme that life is NADA and one best decide to face it with dignified stoicism. His dad also killed himself, too. Ernest Lived in Paris for a long time.

I knew it was gonna be sad.
Sure enough it was a bout a drunk who tried to kill himself but was cut down who drank in a bar and two waiters talking about him.

I made fresh squeezed OJ, chosen over Wheatgrass. I can have that later.

My future is going to be white and bright and beautiful. Everything I ever wanted in someone else I already have. Whatever I want I have within me. I have the seeds to all my dreams.

I am amazed at how better I feel. How young everything is. How new.
My present is good and my future is going to be filled with what I want it to be filled with.

To eat today.. I dehydrated some Tomatoes and Sage, I can blend that with Tomatoes, Garlic , Lemon juice and Dates, for my sauce.. I have all that in fridge, and maybe spirooli some zucchini and make that my pasta.

Kind of like this:
http://www.fromsadtoraw.com/Recipes/ZucchiniSpaghetti.htm

It's like one of the first recipes I ever made. Mbh thought it was real pasta when I gave it to him He couldn't believe it was zucchini!

///

I took this picture of my raw Spiroolied zucchini pasta. It was hot and sweet..the sauce my dehydrated tomtoes, tomatoes, garlic, fresh : sage and orgeano, salt, oil, dates and lemon juice.


////

I need a radio so I could listen top University of Miami station. I love it so much. There is so much good stuff out!


Groups I listen to daily..also Caibou, Kaiser Chef, Death cab for Cutie
Who knows what new stuff is out there I do not have access to college radio!

Interpol



Steven Malkmus


Sigur Ros


Modest Mouse
Mazzy Star



Franz Ferdinand

Dark of the matinee

The Shins


Postal Service


/

Cacaoed out
In Paris:

I want
to buy all the clothes I wear there... THERE.. like romantic dresses, exercising frugality of course, so everything will be a new experience..you know SPECIAL an dunique and NEW..plus light luggage!!!

One day I would like to do my first silence fast so I can feel all the love for the world uninterrupted.

I cannot sleep , I had a cacao drink earlier. I cannot sleep at all.. I wrote so much I will post here. Afterwards I may read my new raw food book that is filled with gorgeous photos of beautiful people...and food..

Promises I make to myself

I am going to always think of the best thought available to me at every single minute of the day
I am going to be chaste and pure until I am married
I am going to be filled with the highest sentiments of love
I am going to be good and do good things
I am going to heal
I am going to realize that the future is exactly how I want it to look and be
I am going to always be vitally healthy and pure in my food choices
I am always beautiful
I am succeeding and it is fulfilling
I will head in the best and highest I can dream of
My dreams will be joyful
I only think and speak of solutions
I will contribute to the world and enjoy it
I will experience the highest love and trust
I will be loyal
I will give myself the best
problems have nothing to do with happiness
problems are now challenges
I will like myself around others
I am loved
there will be beauty around me
I will vibrate a higher vibration
No dream will be unfulfilled
My wedding will be pristine and perfect
I want my family to succeed
I want to give gifts
I want an extraordinary psychology
I want to live in paradise inside myself
Every day I am going to give thanks and focus on what I am grateful for
I will love the divine creator, god, mother earth, the human universal god - archtype
I will give hope a life of its own
I will give my visions a life of their own
I will settle for more
I will settle for everything
I will have everything
I have a compelling future
I love waking up every day in the morning
I will always be slender and feminine
I will speak for all animals of the planet
I will listen to angels
I will see gifts given to me at every second
I will give thanks to everything that happens
I will send love to all
I will be in a good mood always
I will work hard
I will be honest
I will see the best in everything
I will be married
I will have children who are raw
I will be the best mother ever
I will be safe and sleep in my security well
I will choose my friends
I will screen my tounge and train it for good
I am perfect
I attract whatever I think about
I will have a home that is perfect
I will have everything the way I want it
I will have hair down to my butt
I will be glamorous
I will have the coolest clothes and accessories ever
I will look my best in every thing I own
I will visit all the cool cities of the world
I will go to europe often
I will see all negativity is inside of me and change how I see the world
I will stick to things that are working always
I will have the prettiest engagement ring I have ever seen
My wedding dress will be the most pristine
My gorgeous husband will totally trust and adore me
I will make progress every day
Every day I will be more successful
Every day I will master something new
I will exercise daily
I will be dynamic and have peak performances
I believe in myself
What I do with my body will reflect on my entire life
I will have a plan always
with results I get I get momentum to keep going
I will fall inlove with music and dance all the time!
I will love everybody
I will think of what is for the best
I will aim for perfection
I will eat more fruit singly
I will drink green juices daily
I will wish the best things on people
I will communicate to the parts of me that I know that I don't know anything about... good orders to complete
I have my dream job
whatever is me is lovely
I will read the best literature and be taken to noble places
July 12

Prayers
I am innocence
I am purity
I eat bee pollen and flowers
I drink pure water
I eat green leaves
I absorb pure vibrations
My soul is as light as light
I meet attractive people
The people in my life are completely gorgeous
and exude success and education
I am a good girl
I am clean
even deep deep down inside I am as clean as a pure spring
my brain only remembers the beautiful moments
my heart loves and thrives
I only tune into love
I hear vibartions that are similar to classical adagios
Money is drawn to me and adds up
beautiful innocent images play in my minds eye always
I have psychic gifts
I imagine and foresee the best outcome for me in every situation all the time
I have access to the plantet's vast wealth
I have everything I imagine

I live in a beautiful world
Thank you for everything
I imagine myself succeeding at everything
I succeed at everything I do
I master things daily
I am adored
I am always thankful for gifts
I make all the raw gourmet recipes flawlessly and everybody loves what I make so much
I am so classy
I am cool
I master the five tastes in every raw recipe
I taste them all: sweet, spicy hot, bitter, fat and acid
I wear beautiful flattering dresses
Everyone love sme
I look and find and can have all
everybody loves me so much
I am expected from everyone to succeed in this life that is mine
Only good thoughts I see directed at me
my life is amazing
I am safe
I am secure
I am being fulfilled
I am satisfied
I bless the clothes and accesories I wear
It turns them brand new
My clothes are all brand new
I live and see visions of a pristine luxury
Cleanliness surrounds me
my laundry is always fresh and linen pure and smelling like flowers
My place is spotless
I smell like vanilla
Vanilla is my signature
I look so romantic with my long hair
I am the blessed organic blueberry I eat
all the luscious fruit I eat make me glow
My blood gets cleaned when I drinka green juice
my mind is grounded and clear
I am powerful
I exude the smell of fruit
I exude peace and love
I am pure as a peach
my life changes dramatically for the best daily
I grow younger every mninute
purity flows thru my blood dancning.
I now dance every chance I get
My brain is high with the highest dreams I could ever imagine
There is no past
Only my dreams before me materializing
I receive what I need in my brain
I eat durain
I make tropical fruit ice cream raw
I make the hottest looking food
The tastes are incredible
My life keeps on getting better

I have a car
I drive it and am amazed at how safe I am and feel
How easy it really is

I move up in every area
my loving gets more unreal
my life is a fairy tale where I am the beautiful princess

I take opprtunities all the time
the best surrounds me
I am very healthy
free fruit is everywhere
I eat organic
I have a perfect soft lovely body
I can feel many things
I have a warm heart
it can heal
I am virtuous
I only think good noble thoughts
I attract wholesome things and people
I am a model woman
I am feminine
I am gentle and lovely
I am the greatest
I have an extraordinary life
I take time for myslef each day
I give myself gentle love daily
I surround myself with cleanliness
I have a good job
I am secure
I have everything I ever could want
I only focus on things that work
Everybody I know speaks well of me
my friends love me so much
all loyal forever
my future is a big choice a big decision to have everything good and the way I want it
my dreams are all abundant

I took this at work

It is a STARFRUIT and it tastes different ,then when sitting around a supermarket for weeks, picked fresh!


One of my prayers: answered today!

I got a car!!

I only pay 100 a month until next year for like 1300 altogether, but I have to get insurance and transfer a title. I barely know how to drive but I will learn and it is a very cute and small car so I feel safe ( I know and can see where I am going)

I am eating guacamole from RED AVOCADOS.
Yes they are RED on the outside!!!

I took photographs of BEANS all day for the Glaser farms Catalog. I never knew Kidney Beans could look so ...SEDUCTIVE!

I have a list of more prayers I will give you later on when the computer is free.

My coworkers really are amazing. I love them. They are such good hearted people. we interviewed another raw foodist Michelle yesterday. We love her.

When raw foodists come together it creates a vortex that manifests things faster. It's true.. whatever you are good or bad it will magnify what you put out.
Everyone agrees with that as far as I have heard.



MY NEW SCHEDULE

I will work the farmer's market SATURDAYS 80 dollars to pay for car and insurance

I will come in my office job at 730 and leave 600 pm
only spend 12 a day and save 340 a week
that will give me 14 grand in the next 42 weeks for Paris

I really told my coworkers some personal information about my life. One of my dreams and goals is to be more discreet and only talk about what works. That is one major goal.

Like Landmark says, WE ARE ALL ASSHOLES AND THE PEOPLE WHO PUT UP WITH US ARE ANGELS..and to realize every single problem of ours we created...plus problems are a sign that we need to grow in that direction because.... we need to learn something there.

I am so happy. Happy about life and everything.

I make a vow I will be good. forever. It's a masterpiece in the making.
I want to be trusted and seen as a good person who will not deceive, mislead or stiff on promises.
One that works for others and what I say I mean. All that good stuff.

I am sooo lucky!! I want to work at Glaser Farms forever. I want to raise a family in Miami.

But my only problem is..( with me ) that I am very cosmo and I can't stand ignorant country folk .I get really scared around illiterate sleezy people. How are they gonna treat my kids on a raw diet? I see how the neighborhood folk eat..what shows they watch, how racist they are, what they like to SHOOT..etc..

It is garden of Eden though here!
I want to recreate it!

I need the smartest people to be social with. The best. The brightest.

More on that later!

July 13



These are bananas we picked form the Banana grove. We eat them all day.

Lychees are gone for the year! Alas! I am so tired of Mangos falling everywhere..Mango smoothies all day long.

oohhh
MoNSTERA DELICIOSA are out. You have to wait til the skin pod like things ripen and fall off to reveal a sweet fleshy underneath!

I ate a Watermelon, organic... I actually ate the seeds. There is a BIG difference. I could never go back to non organic. The taste is unbelievable. I said I loved it so much I just want to get on my hands and knees and scurry in a Watermelon patch ! the taste was so clean!

I also said I don't think I ever enjoyed food more in my life.

I am finally tasting the differenc between good and commercial fruit...ooh it was well worth the wait.. I can describe it as a very CLEAN taste.

My coworker told me she could taste the chemicals in prescription pills just holding them in her hands. "How is that possible? Your hands don't taste?". But she swears. I think maybe it is a psychic thing.


I feel so beautiful now. I do, and I love so much.

I went to the bathroom today and prayed. I did. I begged god to help me do the right thing. I never ever pray, and it was really special to me. All those days in catholic church got to me. It was like running to god, alone in the sacred bathroom! God as god, is just a symbol to me...of help from beyond, the ultimate brain who knows everything!


/////

for my break..
I lay under my Avocado tree and just felt the air breathe . I tried to sleep but couldn't. I drifted.

They were making Kim Chee in the kitchen so I got a bowl of chopped up fresh raw Cabbage, Daikon and stuff and I opened a tub of MANGO SALSA and mixed it.. REALLY GOOD! Spicy!
I like Cabbage so much better than sauerkrauted Cabbage.

Guess what? The highest paid worker at Glaser Farms ever, who has long quit, had only one job..that was only wholesale Accounts COLLECTIONS...and guess I what I have taken on along with all my other million of jobs..I volunteered and I love it. I spend hours over these books.

1 see the quickbooks invoices that have not been paid, or over/under
2 check against books of paper invoices
3 Adjust it /compare with quickbooks, paper and check/cc
4 find the check receipts or CC
5 Find the payment and see why it was short, over or not paid at all
6 CALL the companies and get money they owe or misapplied
( they said I was perfect for that because my voice is so sweet)

I get so into it it feels like I am at the library studying!

Each invoice is like 20 minutes of brain work just for the first part, and there are mountains of it, even from last year!

Plus since I am working later and want to get out of the office I decided every night to go and help Lee, My friend do her shipping . I want to learn how to do everything so I can cover for people and have stuff to occupy my brain with.
That means I see tons of boxes going out all over the world and I fold invoices in little plastics and check off, print addresses and labels..etc

Meanwhile I eat PEELED Lychees that the kitchen made to dehydrate later.

I love working so much. I love complicated stuff..the thrill I get from finishing or solving these long held problems.

I have a long list, pages of wishes and poetry to enter here

I am too embarrassed/tired of typing, to write them right now.

I am sooo excited..about nothing.

Does anyone notice how I always capitalize names of fruits and Veggies, ALWAYS?

I love you beautiful thing, I feel you. I hear you and I smell you!
I know you are there in breath. Whoever you are ,
whatever you are you know I love you, don't you?
I want you to always sleep well and always think of how wonderful you truly are.

I am going to shower and go to bed. I sleep early and listen to music to sleep. I feel true love about everything and nothing. I feel it everywhere.

I am really proud of you.

Life is truly amazing. I am such in awe right now I have to cool down and put on a nightgown and sleep.

Tracy borrowed my new book.

I am so tired, I will leave you with my friends raw food road trip photos...MY FRIENDS, trip, not mine..NOT ME!

one of the restaurants AU LAC my friends said the chef is on a 7 year silence fast. Interesting. I have heard of that.
http://www.kodakgallery.com/Slideshow.jsp?Uc=17uy6jfx.bq07kdvh&Uy=-tnuk07&Upost_signin=Slideshow.jsp%3Fmode%3Dfromshare&Ux=0&mode=fromshare&conn_speed=1

You are really important. Good night.
It was very nice to hear from you.
I am really truly happy.
I will send you a you note.

gazpacho boutenko's



kale avocado salad


Kale


me

mom


mbh