Kitchen girls made me this: mango Cukes and salt lemon juice and cayenne. They also do this with Jicama. I heard it's the thing in Mexico.



Some of John Schotts raw food, he said he might be moving to New York because he does a lot of business with raw food places there.

I had some of his nut mylk which was amazing, Brazil Nuts, salt, etc I tasted..:

His Raw Quesadillas






I went to in ,Hollywood, JOSH'S MARKET.. raw food fantasy..famous raw foodists lurking , working and making wheatgrass.

When he found out I work for Stan he was very excited, grabbing, slapping my back, waving my hands, laughing and offered me some of his produce to try.



and got a "DURIAN THAI COCONUT DATE" SMOOTHIE for 8 bucks:



Went to a Potluck in Homestead,

I talked to Lamoy Andersohn, the raw food baby that died mother, and I told her I would give her an email account, she is so sweet and gentle but very green..doesn't like fruit, like so many others..

we looked at photos of her kids in state care and they all have coca colas in their hands:

Some food:

Cabbage and bell pepper



Kale salad:



Shredded squashes/dates/lemon



Beet Pate



This lady Kathy did some pressure point work on me that was like sweet pain on my arms,
she makes jewlry is certified in a billion things, is buying a house to have classes and makes crackers,



she also brought burgers with a popular raw mustard and raw dark purple ketchup:



Seaweed salad



Wild Peacocks everywhere in Homestead, at night they all hangs in flocks in trees and fences.



Some fresh juices, one corner of like 20 coolers from Market..



Sad I lost my dog, she'll show up. I will never let her stay outside again. I love her, She means so much to me. I would kill if someone was hurting her in front of me. I need her. I do.
I am walking around in a time warp not feeling.

it'll be ok, I'll survive.

She's been so sick lately , very, fed cooked dog food..had flea allergies, people who took care of her while I was ogne didnt love her, abandoned her to under beds and behind couches where she hid.

I miss her.

There is a thunderstorm. Someone called in and said hurricane warning..so I am the only one who shows up, with bike. I like to work.

I bought a bike. I bike 10 miles total to and from work. It is so easy for me. It is like walking. Takes 20 minutes. I breathe, think, daydream on thoughts.

I live thinking the day will come when i will be with you.

I kept a separate journal few days. I am only eating fruit. I am much much happier!

//

APRIL 6

This morning I had a pint of New Zealand Organic blueberries.

I was still hungry so I ate 4 Organic Honey Oranges , each with a ton of seeds!

I save seeds and then later throw them in the woods.

In Miami it all grows wild!

The produce section is people's backyards.

I had 16 oz of BLOOD ORANGE Juice..is there any juice more luxurious then dark blood red Orange juice?


Grapes in my desk,

I chewed on some yellow tomatoes from the garden

I feel ok.

Had 16oz of Thai coconut water to drink. I am at work, I have no juicer and that is abundant here, coconuts..

I am using organic shampoo/conditioner that actaullay works..Jason's

It is hot day here. My chihuahua is under my desk at work sleeping.
She had some thai coconut meat and raw bliss balls.

My coworkers play ambient radio

////

ap7

Last night I had 3 Avocados mashed with a little organic raw Honey, didnt need the Honey.

This morning SMOOTHIES..one was Grapes, Bananas, Papaya and Vanilla bean quarter.

Here is photo


Another was Bananas and Mango Cinnamon Vanilla bean quartered.

Tonight is DURIAN night!

We got 5 cases frozen Durian to sell at our farmer's market Saturday!

. MMMM

4 pm I am thawing one out!

I love life, I can't wait to taste the luscious regal and extravagant vanilla powder puff cream ball.........mmmmmmmm

I smell like essential Rose oil perfume,
listening to Frou Frou fan station on yahoo launch.

////

APril 8

I lost my chihuahua last night. She got loose from her harness. There are many holes in the fence...in a new neighborhood with new housemates.

The pain I feel in my heart, is something too private to share.

It eclipses the PERFECT night I had before that.

Before I found my chihuahua gone, I had the most perfect Beautiful night.

It happened!!

I finally found peace and joy, and felt like all my emotional problems ( and stagnancy ) were gone!

I ran 1 1 1/2 miles at the University of Miami track,

( I trained for a 5k which will be running along the ocean in Key Biscayne, tommorow morning.)

then hot tubbed by the school's swimming pool and saunas,

then went at night on the golf course of the Biltmore Hotel, Coral Gables

which is the most beautiful building in the world, all lit up at night,

sat in a gazebo on the golf course facing the beautiful heavenly antique 20's castle.

click here
http://www.dilos.com/picture/hotel/19115

and ate Durian...

so fresh, like marshmallow, chocolate cake..decadent..loving,

MMMMMM came from my mouth as I licked the half frozen pods from my fingers.

I went with MBH


For the first time in maybe months..
I felt like everything EVERYTHING is perfect!

(I have been in a funk for a while. Apathy, loneliness, heartache)

and now things make sense!

If anything is wrong, its because you are doing something wrong!


I had no idea..

I cut and paste this here from the Fruitarian site, read it

"""
The body definitely lets people know whether or not they are treating them right or wrong. When the body is well, people feel relaxed and happy and energy is unlimited. When the body is ill people have pains, uneasiness and their minds are filled with fear. People must understand the warnings that are given. This will help them regain the energy they need.

Each individual is the engineer and guardian of his own body and mind. People have a great responsibility for their own bodies. Like any machine the body requires continual maintenance in order to function at a high level at all times.

"""
Photos I took last year never posted
Jakfruit last summer, I love photoshop huh?



Cherimoya


Me and Jakfruit



Longans farmer brought me



Me meditating



Manatee swimming by



Me hugging mango tree



Look at avocado in juice bar


Eating jakfruit



More Photos last year never posted..when I disappeared
Raw tacos from RAW IN TEN book I made for mom



Raw lasagna and burritos from John









John Schott's raw food booth



Raw plates at Escopazzo/ SOBE

Carrot and zucchini pasta



raw fennel soup with mac nuts



Raw Mush and pickled mango and arugula



Guava sorbet and mango fettucini



Raw pie by Miss L at a potluck



Raw vegan lasagnas me and l made



banana kombu salad



Raw picadillo




Very poetic I love it
The best all fruit smoothie:
avocado ( creamy)
banana
a ton of honey dates (sweet)
mango ( adds acid/lemon like)

I had banana date and avocado smoothies last night but it was missing the mango.

Last night was a symphony

I realize why I have been frustrated emotionally, I don't have any fantasies where I am being satisfied emotionally, sexually, love-ly and what not..

It's like I have always had a block, even to those dreams.

so I fantasized I was complete in my daydreams as I was sleeping, getting everything I need, emotionally in love.

It is the greatest, I think life imitates fantasy.


.. and MBH called, woke me up, came over delivering a cooler for me and it's like it all came true, my sleeping waking dreams.. even staring at each other eye to eye, head to head. Caressing, loving admiring.
It's all a dream. I dreamt it, before it happened.

I was swimming inside of him, passing thru his body with my arms.

Could it really be possible there is an energy of pure goodness , where everything goes your way, the best way possible?
—-Was the question, and it was there, it didn't fail!

This energy was good pure and all light there telling me it was!

We discussed who my friends were, I noticed I said my friends weren't my friends but rather people I have no choice but to hang out with.

Is that weird? Are those friends?

I used to pick my friends like clothes in a mall, now I hang with whoever is around helping me. Could be anybody. Meet at potlucks, with a car, with something I need..

Lately
like in the shower
I ponder my nothingness.

I used to think I was important..but I realize how unimportant I am, my life is..and possibly everybody elses.

It's all fantasy.

And when we die noone cares, you are just like everybody else. Possibly less than most.

I think it is positive to think like that rather than think under this illusion, that our ego blinds us into and to start living real reality.

The only thing that matters is now.. and love and expressing yourself now.

I feel better eating fruit, I do..I feel goodness.

TO DIVA PRINCESS SUPERSTAR ANAHI:

I love you so much, I would like to see you again. Maybe it is fo rthe best. I am sorry you have to go thru all this, I am sure it is hard. Please eat grass or something, don't eat that crap people will feed you. It's death, disease and poison. Find your way to me somehow. RUN like crazy and come back to where you were, smell me.

//

Paul Nison got married, I read about their story, they met at Whole Foods at one of his talks, where the first talk he gave she was too shy, but the second, she came up to him.. " and they knew right away" and they both love raw food, the lord and traveling. Good for them.


On my way home from market I said to myself, I WISH I COULD BUY A BOOK TO READ ..and at a busstop I see a copy of JANE EYRE.

Will bike 10 miles again today too. I am impressed, that used to be a lot for me, it's nothing now..it's so easy.

///

Word of the day (delivered to my email everyday):

Thanatopsis (than-uh-TOP-sis) noun

A reflection upon death.

"I go into thanatopsis in times of despair sometimes"

There is my sentence.

//

I took a Durian from freezer at work put it in hot water in the laundry room,

it was ready in one hour..

I sliced it with a steak knife I found and scooped out the chilly pockets with my hands and ate half and put the other half in plastic in fridge to eat later..

I threw the shell into the woods.

That was the first time I ate Durian alone. Ever.

It doesn't taste as good unless its special occasion. I mean it still tasted AWESOME, I feel like a big hug and kiss fruity and warm.

///

got this from internet, pretty impressive, touched all the time? nice:

"The human animal is a continuous contact species." That means if you're not in direct contact with others all the time (skin to skin) you're not living to outdo everybody. You're not living up to your potential and your not trying to be your best. Children should be in your constant everyday life. No moment of your life should lack loving touch. Continuous contact species. "

/

april 12

FIU students did a tour of Glaser organic farms today. They are wandering around..Black, white, hispanic, wearing ponytails and jeans, glasses and sneakers.

Exactly one week all fruit ..I feel beauty.

Last night feeling all night sinusy, sneezing, cold, ears drip, sad..lonely. Tight, ache...black thoughts of Diva.

Definitely my body is releasing something, I feel it.

I want to be touched hugged loved..

This morning my fave Avocado, Bananas, Honey Dates and Mango smoothie.

It rains here in Miami, like swallows everything whole even my heart.

I will attract whatever I want when I become it.

Why a need? Why? craving for love, craving for home.

Craving for a warm heart beating in my cheek.

Craving for kisses and ropes of love trailing down my legs and across my knees and shins to my feet and all over my arms with pressure and fingers pointing inwards into my back.

LOVE LOVE LOVE

that's what I want, now, anytime.

I want what is right for me.

april 14
Take me to the heaven of your bed...
posted this on myspace, I made it two secs ago

Love falls to you
you pick up the pieces
and eat them.

I eat you
you are a flower.

When you love yourself,

we all love you!
the planet shouts for you ,

because if you are happy ,

then we can all be happy!

She sings into your ear
a flockless pieces,
rains and pours

and wishes you well.

It flies from the sky,
you have to catch it
or it will eat you
and you will sink into its tummy..
and turn into sweet fruit mush.

Babies will cry for you..
they will want you,
they will love you.

In the darkest corner

in the darkest turn
your worst turn will be your best




POEM I JUST MADE UP..
..................(((WHAT'S A POEM ANYWAY?)))

((((po·em
n.
1. A verbal composition designed to convey experiences, ideas, or emotions in a vivid and imaginative way, characterized by the use of language chosen for its sound and suggestive power and by the use of literary techniques such as meter, metaphor, and rhyme.
2. A composition in verse rather than in prose.
3. A literary composition written with an intensity or beauty of language more characteristic of poetry than of prose.
4. A creation, object, or experience having beauty suggestive of poetry)))))))))))


LIFE WILL ALWAYS FOLLOW ME,
IT WILL ALWAYS STUMBLE
AND BREATHE INTO MY BACK,
WHERE IT WILL LAUGH.

Drifting in and out of sleep,
arguing, lashing
in my dreams,
like I have to fix
and I gotta show..

It all means nothing
and won't avoid suffering.

The trick to is to feel it..
and get it down..
live it
breathe it..

Not getting what you want ..
because all I am thinking about
is not getting what you want

Dreams they die
and sorrow kicks in
like death in my face
and I stumbled..
I fall..
and I am here now
and nothing will pull me out
except the natural course of things.

Decisions,
consequences of my bad past
and bad choices,
still following me.

The deal is,
I need to cut some things out.

I need to cut out some things.

I can't..
but I have to..
its a death secret.

and I dont want it!

SO what do I want?

Love, patience, escape, new names, death!

Whatever I want will come to me,
I will attract it.

I dont need to worry about anything else.

Leave it behind, destroy by forgetfulness.

and SUFFER, suffer!
.. do not fight it..
suffer for your shortcomings..
it will teach you a lesson.

Live and love
and don't pay attention
to any cooked games...
(repression, decency, respect..)
Be animal !
be real..
and love
and be touched!

Touch others who are beautiful
and kiss them.

No cooked games.

Cooked games will destroy
and make you like everybody else
dull and dead
sterile and empty

You are sterile
if you play


Life is death
unheard of
awaken in times of tommorow

Never to pass thru those lips again,
you looks will be gone
in shattered
in glass
in coffin

Murderous
lecherous
you play
and you (win) (lose)

All is forgotten,
your life is over..
to sleep no more.

///

My friend is in London right now. She'll take photos of raw food restaurant for me.

Can't wait to go there by myself.

This Indian Lawyer girl in Paris told me that is the life in London, everybody works and travels. It is so fast paced in London. That is how it should be for me..work and travel, work and travel..work and travel.

I should only stay in hostels and maybe go 2 weeks every few months. Pay 20 bucks a night for bunkbeds.

I would like Tokyo and Milan and Australia and New Zealand.

Paris in summers.

It would be fun to go with someone, but not anyone who will follow you around all day smothering.

I am going to defrost another DURIAN today. What's with me?

JUST HAD FRUIT SMOOTHIES WITH EVERYTHING IN IT EVEN A DATE PIT WHICH I HAVE TO SPIT OUT PIECES.
//

I am happy
I am good
I feel ok and gifted
sometimes I get down
but I don't have to worry about anything

//
I want love so bad
from a really beautiful guy.
I do
he has to be priceless

Durian for lunch..all the mexican farmers dirty talking about me, "I don't speak spanish"
so they think I can't hear.
Old men laughing, staring, sniffing like dogs.
They say I am mean, I am cold, I give them nothing. Then talking about perverted dog things. I take a razor sharp machete they use for coconuts and cut open the other half of my durian and pack it in plastic container and walk away.

"it's the end of the world.." listening to death in June, what a beautiful song

I am going on a CARNIVAL "fascination" cruise in May to Bahamas, 4 days on the water to feel my life and stare at the waters and
eat fruit with a bunch of raw foodist yoga people.

I have a beautiful roomie in the cabin. She begged me to go with her raw food yoga south beach friends.

Some mixed feelings about going, but I could use a little staring into the sea...I could use a little vaca.

I mean, I am goijng to Iceland in July and after that DEFINITELY Milan and I have to go to Paris in the summer..next year?

Ate fruit all day and walking around in a bikini and towel dress on South beach. I have on a bikin with pink hearts.

I wrote mbh I love him

he sent me a poem the next day which was his life's masterpiece poem. It was his Magnum Opus. Wow.

I gave him some raw banana tiramisu.



Lesbian juice /smoothie bar:



Another wheatgrass smoothie bar



Italians, frenchies all on the beach all checking everybody out.



I saw in the bookstore a biography auto on Martina Navratilovna..the tennis dove..she had diamonds and makeup on in her book cover.

She came Staurday again to the market and got a bunch of raw vegan food, and talked to people, who after she walked away, had smiles across their faces. She gave my boss kisses.

I served her pies even though I don't cut pies anymore. She has this european accent.

I am so white, not anymore, I baked.

april 18
Miami weather is warm and dry building snow in the fields
it's a new day and I feel good

I slept well, I daydreamed until I fell asleep

totally living in my head

which is better then stark empty reality.

isn't reality stark and empty anyways
before we fill it with things ?

does the brain know the difference between what it sees in the mind

and what it sees with the eyes?

I live
I love I am there in a mountain
trellisses of gold and leaf
radiantly warm with a gold family

Made a smoothie with all organic: box raspberries, honey dates, avocado, banana and some strawberries. YUM.

Mirrors of statues
calling you to come
to a winter that's never borne.
Again and again you fall but are lifted up by angels
who die knowing
what angels must know.

Angels break time and kill sadness
and rape hollows
of emptiness
and days that rain has fallen into your mouth
to kiss a seal, a promise.

I live for you, I work for you
I the girl give what you desire

knowing that you break all your promises and wishes
for they are anthills
7:21 AM 4/18/2006

///



I have been writing so much poetry, its nonstop, fire, my fingers pump out words of my emotions



Smoothies again, rich creamy avocado mixed with raspberries bananas dates and mango..mmm..I have had two already.

I am at my desk ..

I looked up a London ticket today..I found one for 370..and its tempting..but I have rent to pay, a cruise next month and an Iceland trip pending, I need to save..so I will save and as soon as I see a little financial freedom I will buy ticket..

I need to get out!
These changes shake me in and out and I need breath..

I need to lose myself again, but this time for real.

No attachments but to death.

The state of my room is disaster. I actually have to go to a laundromat! Screw that, I will go over friends house

I cant wait until this Carnival cruise, it's MAY 5. I can't wait to dress up really nice, not like a farm girl anymore but really beautiful.

Plus its strange..I met a Carnival cruise worker from Italy, totally lost, at a bus stop three weeks ago

(who told me he used to model for Paco Rabanne...when I asked if he was a model..I dont care if its true, )

that looked exactly like this model for Polo Black fragrance..which is why I noticed him, anyways he was talking shit about America..He said in Italy everything is better.

he said if " you are ever on a Carnival cruise look for me I make drinks ", and I am liketo myself, " Yeah, yeah right, when am I ever gonna go on a Carnival cruise!?"..

and hey what do you know? I am now going!

but I am not interested in him of course, it was just a random conversation, I have better higher goals.

My friend K is moving to Maine, for some reason she is the only girl I have connected with.

I went to her job on South Beach and painted her nails pink and we played dirty mad libs...it was touching, I made sure all her nails were perfect. Beet juice was on her boobies and she wiped it off totally exposed herself to me. She has green shimmering liquid eyeshadow and white bleached teeth.

Anyways, she is raw foodist.
she is moving to Maine and wants me to visit.
I want to!! So I will keep in touch with her all summer..

She was telling me about a million dollar tree house she saw in the bahamas and on this yacht with all it's rooms and accesories by the OCEAN DRIVE magazine owner's.

Its not the life I want of course..but she is so young. Young so it doesnt matter.

//