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nov 17-25th
My friend made this and sent it to me
Today I just was and that’s all, doing what comes naturally…even if that means lying in bed all day reading.
I had two Grandpa Joe’s on the go, this cacao drink.
I drank two Orange juices from Jamba Juice. I may have had a little Persimmon or Avocado.
My pet rats, they were fighting over the leftover marinated greens. I never seen them clean their plate before too. And they had Cucumber Dill Salad.
http://suvine.files.wordpress.com/2006/11/bodies-037.jpg
I got a movie to watch and I will lay here all night.
I felt better when I drank some OJ.
I have a huge papaya in the fridge I need to eat.
/
I saw Fast Food nation, oh, I need to stay away from People like that, scummy meat industry people, including the fast food places. It really moved me, I don’t think I ever went to a movie and cried my eyes out. Animal abuse, complete with sad music and everything..who would understand?
Who would understand me?
My meat eating friends would never understand, they would laugh at me, I am just a stupid vegan, a fringe personality..
Today I had two Grandpa Joe’s on the go, a cacao drink recipe from the book, “Naked Chocolate” and a banana.
I am gonna eat a persimmon.
I had two OJ’s from Jamba Juice.
When I do cacao, I hardly eat anything. Not a bad thing actually but I do wish I had jugs of sweet coconut water to drink, I am thirsty!!
I feel like Edie Sedgewick on cacao, raw chocolate, high as a kite and after a nice cacao drink, I just may run out onto Park Avenue naked as a lima bean!
nov 19
Fruit simplifies everything.
I cannot tell you how many times I have been lying in bed, bloated and not feeling well, hidden in my own world, away from everything , trying to digest.
All because of this raw food complicated recipes, and I find myself having to buy more things, oils, salts and just cluttered. My kitchen is a mess, I am too bloated to clean.
I also feel really bad.I have disappeared, cancelled appointments, made excuses, rejected love.
I have felt bad for days.
I need to get back on the fruit and stay on it. Simplify. I say, Oh I will have fruit and cacao. well, it just makes fruit not taste good, nothing tastes good on cacao. and I crave odd things, wasabi peas, salt, etc..salads and raw food.
I am so dehydrated most of the time I cannot sleep. I sleep in until 1 pm.
I need to get back on the fruit and clean out my entire system and life. I need to purify everything. I need to live my life my way, rather than someone charming me on Youtube or thru a pretty DVD..I need to live my life my way AND NOT thru another person ..
Who is to say this person is happy, promoting cacao as a cure for everything?, promoting nut patty recipes as happy times?
They could be miserable, missing something like everyone else, is, looking for a way out..
Maybe their lives are webs of complications and more brain clutter.
Well, I want to live simply, I want to be beautiful, period, I want to charm and be sexy, always..
I am going to try it. Now I got all this stuff to throw out, lol. I want to get backon track. When I first went fruitarian, everything skyrocketed into perfection/ perfect inner beauty and joy.. and I SURPASSED some of my lifelong goals in a few months.
My thoughts crystallize into reality as they are so powerful, being good enough to eat.
My new pet rats are such happy creatures now. They eat everything I give them, Goji berries, fruit and aloe roll ups, dehydrated leftovers..they actually can climb the walls of their cage.
//
Today I ate at Hippocrates Health Institute. They had a sprout and salad bar. It was really bland tasting, and they didn’t use any salt or spices in dressing. I sprinkled some blended garlic and when I bit into it , I cried, worse than wasabi, worse than hot sauce. I am still very ill. My lips parched despite overdrinking water.
Mom's plate
I also played Croquet in West Palm beach, a game called golf croquet. I kicked ass, I did, I just had my head held down and I did exactly what I was supposed to do, swing from the shoulders and have the mallet in front of my feet and then back swing.
/
I feel strange today, Good, in a way, better and hopeful of the bright new future. the guys at Jamba Juice that never charge my card , have left, gone away , whatever..so there is a new gang, crew and already they are giving me free OJ’s and stuff. I don’t even pay attention to anyone, I just walk in.. I go in once or twice a day and they are happy, they know what I want and don’t charge my Jamba card for juice sometimes, the guys. Call me by name and flirt.
Me, dressed in sweats and oblivious with my ipod nano blasting. I guess I look sexy , a little, right? So I show up tonight when they close and some new kid I don’t even know said they are closed and have a meeting and he’d make it up to me tomorrow, not to worry. Free oj? Cool I like. Poor little boys.
Young boys are so , I don’t know, alive? I swear, I think as men get older, they lose touch of happiness and pleasure/love..because it all starts with self love and as men age they get fat , and constipated, how can you love yourself as you did when you were 18, a skinny energetic burst of energy?
I am so high listening to music on my ipod nano, riding my bike thru the streets of Coral Gables , I don’t care about anything and I walk in and just stand there not knowing anything. I mean, what the hell would I be doing with a little boy who works behind a register?
My Sony reader should be here soon. I am disappearing into these gadgets.
Oh and I want to fly to Stockholm or Paris. When my new CC comes in the mail I am off. I was looking at Rome, but I would have to wait until Jan 4 to get a good deal.
Today all I ate were Cherries and a banana, OJ and some cacao..I am addicted, addicted to me.nov 21
I feel more confident today, I do, when I felt the wind blowing on my face this morning in Miami, it was like childhood visited me . It was like everything is ok, I live in total security , I am young and alive and the world is a playground. I felt like that, like everything was just the way I want it to be..The sun was out, it was cold, very cold, like 70 degrees. I rode my bike and it felt like fall in New York. I was listening to my ipod nano, new songs by Charlotte Gainsbourg. I thought of buying a turtleneck at American Apparel down Miracle Mile..It was so cold I had to wear my Bennetton sweater and my skull scarf
/
This French girl , 
She is from Paris .
I was writing her online once, and one morning we were chatting while at my work, opening the office. I got scared and said my cell phone was pay as you go and I hate talking on it.
I wrote back to her I was gonna come to Paris soon , maybe and she wrote she wants to see me. asked me for my number to call me when I am there.
I made the Thanksgiving meal for me, I did not go to the potluck, I did not want to, I changed my mind, why go?
Still the potluck guy tempts me with purple cacao bean.
I marinated in lemon juice and olive oil, peeled red pepper squares , and zucchini slices, but I could only wait an hour! I made pesto out of pine nuts, basil, tarragon, 10 sun dried raw olives, olive oil, garlic and himalayan salt.
I made the soup out of butternut squash, onion avocado, garlic, cucumber lemon juice, parsley..
The drink is almond-sesame mylk with blueberries and orange juice as liquid.
I love you there is only me, and you.. and the best bliss I ever felt.
Riding my bike I felt the love in my knees, for you, I felt the happiness in knowing that I am free, that I am perfect, that I am this body of pleasure and joy, in complete control.
I just had the most incredible time.
I got a knock on my door and it was him , MBH he came to say Happy Thanksgiving and gave me a Cacao 87 percent bar from Belgium.
I pulled him inside ,
Then he said he wants to be with a woman who wants him and yada yada , I just listened to him go on for ages.
I listened to him preach to me, about how special I am and I cannot give myself away on the internet because people will get the wrong idea
Later we sat and locked arms and rocked in each other, and looked into each others eyes. I was trying to seduce him , turn him on, just so he would stop talking.
He then cried a litte later , while I was sitting on his lap as we were talking about how important and how special I really am and how worth it, and I need to realize this. And then he went on and on on how we need to respect each other and we can never ever fight!
I gave him my book GREEN FOR LIFE, 
to give to his mom,. He ate half a persimmon and some grapes, while I played with my rat, He also ate a tangerine, still talking about how guys are and he wants me to have self esteem and not share with anybody naked photos.
We started talking about cacao, I told him to order me some, the purple kind.. and he wants us to fly down to Columbia or where ever, just for one day, and take a ride and go pick cacao off a tree ..because , “All that stuff David Wolfe says is , LIES!!!LIIIIESS!”, “.. and you need the real thing, you need to go down to South America and pick it off a tree!, Believe me, I know, what he does , its all marketing, I know this, believe me!”
I said I hate South America, scummy people live there, I would rather go to Europe! He said Europe is so VERY cold right now.
Then I told him I was going to Paris to find myself as soon as My new credit card comes in the mail. And he said , “I hope you do find yourself “, with that something inside me spoke, in my mind,
He said the camera lens he is buying for me is the best, amazing, and he said he talked to photographers at the Nascar race , last Saturday.
( he is on the Boards at Nascar, he is a Lawyer and such a fan he volunteered his time. We used to go to races together )
He talked to guys who shoot for Sports Illustrated and he said the camera lens he is ordering for my Nikon D70 is what they were all recommending for incredible shots.
Nov 25th
I had a banana and persimmon for breakfast, a fresh squeezed Orange Juice at Jamba Juice, a ” Green Benevolence” raw smoothie, some leftovers from Thanksgiving, some red grapes and another persimmon and more leftovers.
A friend invited himself over by phone , he brought me a cd , Brand New is the name of the band, the hottest thing on college radio at UM he said, and a bunch of magazines from the UM gym, that people left..
and we walked down my street, the most peaceful one, at night in the dark.
Trees and manicured houses with lawns that every single plant and bush were chosen. Lawns where orchids hung from palm trees.
We snuck onto a golf course and evaded water sprinklers. One caught us. Baptised and cleansed. The air alive, the night damp.
He had his arm around me, like family, a brother I did not have. We hung out at the patio and then by the amazing pool in the Biltmore Hotel. We talked a long time, gossipped.
We talked about the architect of the Biltmore hotel, a man from Cuba and he told me he stayed at one of his other hotels called the Hotel Nacional which looks out over the ocean. I googled it just now.
We walked back home cutting through lawns and listening to crickets.
I promised him someday we would get colonics together at Hippocrates.This was written earlier: (a premonition?)
~.
Go out for a walk, it is so nice to feel good and know that it is very special. It is very special to go walking at night to live and breathe and be thankful. I am grateful to you and think you are really magic, you are really amazing and your whole life so far has been wonderful, it has had moments where you have been with you and have seen what it is to be close to the heart, and you do not need drugs for that, or life threatening events to feel whole, no you just need to look and it is there, real.
I see that there has been well, a little fear and solitude but I need to get out of that, and awaken to the love I need to feel, the love that needs to be there, alight, alive and going on that current..I need to connect to it and stay, It is bliss when i am here for you and when you are here for me.
Art Basel is here on Miami Beach next week, 
calling me away from Paris, blocking me..so are a few other things..I am stuck, I can’t leave, for like a week now something is keeping me here in Miami. My mail is held up, my bank account was hacked, my new card never came, now my account today has a new number and I have to wait longer . My cacao order never came. I ordered another bag. I still can’t get my hands on some. FOR TWO WEEKS of trying. There is a magic block in effect, I have to push, resist.
I know Paris is where I need to be, not for France’s sake, but for mine. I know it well, Tokyo is for later with my friend. Not yet.
(I am happy , I am going to Tokyo later and we are going to be lost in translation. We are going to , for the first time, not understand anything except emotion. I am going to be lost on earth, eating at raw food restaurants with recipe books and everything and I am going to discover it. As well as a magic, unknown land, unlike any city in the world, I know of. Bigger than New York in lights. Ganguro, Kogals, Lolitas, see street fashion.. I heard there are not just a few, but thousands)
I want to fall in love with the real, focus on the real. What is real, its so lovely to know and feel what is real. It’s space and time, now and here.
I want to sit in cafes with french smoking coats and write, fill my notebook up with letters to you. So I know who you are, as well as me. I will be freezing. Already my french friends expect to take care of me, but I have to be alone, that is the purpose, walk the streets, taking photos and learning to type at night , no looking at the keys.
Writing letters to you until I know who you is, the source.
I should start with thank you, am here in this moment! I have found you. I have and I want to discover more. I am in love. I want to be. I want to dig until I find the star, the beauty that appalls it is so magic.
You are perfect , in every shape you are, in every movement and smile, and the you I am going to find is the one I will be obsessed with because that you, is the one I have been looking for in others.
I want to discover that, to feel that, to be able to look and see you , the one I have been trying to catch all my life, the one I have been trying to paint, to draw..
the one I have been trying to look like when it all has been , so crazy..
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