My first day of all fruit and I notice the change. I cleaned my apartment. wow, I never do that. I scrubbed my plates and folded my clothes. Also , my skin on my face is tight and smooth, and I love the way I look. I put on all this eye makeup with a paintbrush and I loved the way I looked, for me , in the mirror, like a cat.It feels like for a month I have been in bed. I have been in bed because I didn’t feel well and I didn’t even know it. I was loaded , loaded with raw vegan combo abombos.

I read an entire book and several chapters of another. This book made me very upset, and made me cry. About a woman’s life, being raped as a child and operated on..whose parents blamed her, and later as a teen by a group..who finally pulled her life together, married a wonderful guy, gave birth and when she held her baby in her hands, she thought of her rape..by that part I was bawling..

I think my new year’s resolution will be 2007 all fruit. By the time the year is up I can decide if I am missing anything or deficient, which I doubt. A year can’t hurt.

I read journals of people who do this for 20 years, eating just sweet fruits and they are the normal ones. It seems. Such clarity and love in the words, always friendly, excited, loving.

Their diets consist of things like Durian, from trees they climb, when they vacation, and then pineapple, 7 peaches, orange juice, etc and it seems so simple.

I got a Spainard fruitarian


who wrote me and sent me a photo. He had a trombone, was tanned and in front of a table covered with strange looking fruits. I told him I ate carrots yesterday, I may have scared him, he hasn’t written back, lol!

I sat outside in the dark and ate watermelon.

 Twice a week, I go without sleep. It’s 5 am now. I  think it’s the cacao but I only had one raw purple bean. I may need some to get me past til noon.

I always had in my head, this saying, to trust in fruit, when ever things are intense I focus and trust in fruit.

WHen I eat fruit, things happen naturally, with no effort or work, and my goals, I am living in the top of..things take few days to accomplish. Just by wanting.

I am listening to the radio, there is a full moon outside and the clouds are cirrus.

I have decided  that I must do something improtant with my life, I spend so much energy writing in blogs that well, I could be doing something really valuable and kind  of a contribution. It will come to me, the idea, the outlet for my soul to pour into it…maybe this is a contribution. Maybe I am plugging into the cyber brain really cool information. maybe we are all creating a new creature and we are programming it.

sex, my thoughts

There is this light inside of us all, radiant, neon..it is love. Love and passion. Desire to love and be loved. It needs, pulls, attracts..it is always working, it is always calling, sending out animal messages. Sending out signals. Sending out pleasure. It is a hole that needs to be filled. A heart needed to be wrapped up in arms.
It bends and in there, heavy and powerful, very intense. Looming. It is more than a feeling, but its the natural pull of life into this black hole where I am supposed to go.

Guys I like, tend to be well, too smart for love, they are not slaves or dumb asses,  they are strong. I can’t have it different.
What is it that I need to do to be satisfied on an earth level? But desire the impossible? It’s the life’s goal to attain the unattainable.

The one you love, loves you back, for a minute it would be like’ mountains have moved, but then.. the disgust..you have heard, “Familiarity breeds contempt”?.

If anything, I have no idea what I am doing. And am scared.

Is it possible to love someone without them actually detesting you for it ,secretly? 

I am sure it might be impossible. But what if I did it anyways, and did not give a f-ck..I just loved, purely..

Loving everybody, would be safer than loving one.. ..I might feel disgust though.

I always believed when I loved someone truly, that’s when things get bad..always. I need to stop that and BELIEVE when I love it is healing. I need to believe love is NOTHING else than healing and healing both of us.

But right here now, if I send out love to the one I love..will he feel it? Will he not like it?

It feels good to me.. Like a river flowing out from my heart, finally, a psychic river..

I think I will just focus on myself. It’s a really scary topic.

I can always send myself love and replace anyone with me. It’s what I want to accomplish, it’s what I have been thinking about.. I want to feed myself. I want there to be only strength and growth.

Somehow, loving others is childish. and foolish.

Lately I have been loving without loving, it’s like the love exists on its own, I have no responsibilty over it. I feel love for someone and it’s not coming from either of us, it’s just there on its own. I am like the horse with blinders.

//

 I  think we need to go back in time and open up all our wounds and feel. Then you will discover it wasn’t the drama at all, but only chemicals in your body, chemicals of shame, disgust, fear and guilt..and those chemicals are there because we are animals and scared. Scared of saying goodbye to childhood, scared of being ugly. That’s it, that’s ALL it was.

I think if we all felt like the ugly beings, we believed ourselves to be, all our lives, we would be free from it once and for all..

/

I think the best love of everyone’s life , the ONE, is felt at the moment of death. That is true love, has to be! On my deathbed, I will think of you, my love, …and when I go to heaven, I will be with you. ONLY WITH YOU….lol,  wow, sounds funny, but I will be with the one who kills this desire, who kills this breath..

I got a free Orange juice from Jamba Juice. The guy gave me my free smoothie card back when the girl was not looking , then his boss walked right in.I am standing there, happy but confused as what to do, I smiled. I put my hands over my head. I was wearing a raw t shirt and looked like a bum with my pink crocs and sweat pants.

Lunch is Half a watermelon.

I had 4 -5 medjool dates stuffed with raw cacao nibs.

I bought for today, Bananas, Asian pears, dates, tangerines etc.

I am making, for my rats, tonight, for when I go away on vacation, soaked and blended up flax  crackers made also with bananas, aloe, a tiny bit of garlic and green powder.( they will also be given greens and fruit every few days)
 

 Garlic Boosts Lung Health in Rats

SUNDAY, April 3 (HealthDay News) — New research adds more luster to the sterling reputation of garlic, suggesting its key ingredient prevents rats from developing a kind of lung disease. The new study found that it seems to improve blood circulation in the lungs of rats and assist breathing.

 They get it so good. They ate watermelon last night soaked in green smoothie. I feel the love when I reach for them, they are starting to look like white little bunnies. Goji is the fat one and the little one is nameless. She bites, skulks, is fast and neurotic. She’ll get a name when she is loveable. I think she was traumatized.

I feel really good, I feel connected,  like if a person were in front of me, my energy would go right thru to him, connecting..

The words I speak, now feel like they have power, they have meaning. I can say one thing and mean another and the person, I speak to, would get the real, hidden message.

You can drag people into conversations they do not know they are having, but in your inflection, they know exactly. It’s the funniest game to play. You are talking about something but you don’t mention it and the person knows exactly what it is. And you begin a read between the lines conversation and all secrets are revealed.

But sometimes people hint and want you to believe something, and you get messed up when you find out later it wasn’t like that at all., I guess truth is very relative..truth is invented.

Master game players are hard to read. I like game players. I do. I learn from them. There is a reason they are successful at it. I like a challenge, Every one who has brains does.

I think they can tell when you are in their head and want you out, because they are ashamed or guilty of something and its no big deal. I see it, but don’t know what it is..

I could believe with all my heart that a situation happened in a way, that makes me look good, of course,  and believe it and it becomes real.

But it is a defensive front and I would be able to tell, from the apparent resistance within..I can’t believe in a lie forever, can I ? The truth comes out always anyways, about every goddamn secret people hide, everyone will know about it someday.

Just tell the truth, be shameless. It is what is is, always.

The truth can be embarrassing. If that is the case, then say nothing. Think about Paris