March 26th

Eating a big juicy bowl of Papaya squirted with Lime juiceI wrote an email to MBH, I wouldn't have if I listened to myself. I was just me, who I am. And it feels so ..beautiful.

My life is a mess, a disaster, and after admitting that, and admitting I hate myself, ( because it is true) I can now see the possibilities!! I can LOVE myself, and I have to start by being the real me. The real me, hates what my life has become. Because of the choices I have made. I chose bad. I got bad, now I can take responsibilty and choose good.

I feel so FREE now!!!!

My choices are only thing that has been the devil.




March 27


I am having a brand new day. I feel different. I am expresssing myself different. I am talking to people, and its cool. I am at Um going to get my hour massage, and in Starbucks, now, using my laptop. I am going to see a movie tonight and hang out.

Everything is so beautiful, outside my head. It's my mind, that is poison.
Music, trees, other people are so beautiful. My mind is what is poison. Everything-bad equals my own doing, my own brain.

Anyone who has ever accidentally dropped a puppy, knows that for the rest of that dog's life, its a terrified dog. Well, all that happened was an accident, but to that dog, it was deliberate punishment, because they are not "good enough" or "loved". They think they are a" bad dog". It spends its life proving, to itself,  how bad and unloved it is, and it becomes "right". It becomes truth..

/

I found pictures of myself in Switzerland, I look happy, but I wasn't happy inside. I am happy now.

 I planned on making a pineapple gazpacho recipe tomorrow

 want to just BE. I want to hear music. I want to see and actually SEE people. I want to walk down the street and feel the wind in the trees. I want to feel love and see the beauty in people.I want to be alive. I want to be filled with real joy , and not just the lies we tell ourselves, about being happy, but the true experience.

 I will step outside my brain , and see other people as what they are, outside my head: they are beautiful and perfect.

I did that, at the Cure concert. I saw so many drop-dead gorgeous humans. I never thought hispanic goths were pretty, they are!! I saw ravers dancing, as true flower children who were happy with one another. All who wander seemed like the found ones.
 They are people! People are so beautiful!!!!!!!

Oh my god,. I discovered something incredible tonight. It is so wonderful, I could not believe it. I have to go over my friend's house everyday, to play this awesome, incredible thing. It's called Warcraft. Its this amazing game. I created a beautiful character Magicia, tall, skinny, totally unique, pink skin, blonde dreadlocks, first a poof style, who is a magician ( I put spells on things) and I have this cool, medieval, skin-tight dress. I am walking around and there are other players. I kill moths and get their blood . The moths are so beautiful and look real. I do this because it was the first quest that someone gave me. I can go online at the same time my frend is and we can fight together. It is like on a planet where everything is green. There are crash spaceships, and mountains and hills, I can hide behind things. I have different weapons. I am under a pink tree right now. There are gigantic crystals sticking out of the ground. Any type of view, I want, I can have, in my surroundings.  Its all detailed views, liek a real place that is breathing and being . Like I am in a real forest. Friends can sign on and give me money, or things I need, in the game. I also have different outfits that all come with a different something, I may need in the game. I have pockets with food,weapons and anything, I may need.

March 28
 
I hung out at this cool place called Ammendment 21. It looked like someones house with antique chandeliers and plush red velvert antique sofas. There was a band called Jesse Jackson. 3 Guys , one a Bass cello. They reminded me of these guys: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfTUvFj6kvc
but were like 21 yrs old. It was so unique. A unique sound, even with harmonicas. The place was made to look like it was turned into a basement from the Prohibition times, a speakeasy, and it really reminded me of one. There were punk kids and people with mohawks. There were really young and a few old. I played pool so many times with characters, one kid looked like David Bowie. I was hanging with young kids, innocence and chaos. This is like a pad to hang in, it felt like. Refreshing. The kid who looked like Bowie, with the skinny face and two eye colors and sharp teeth, He liked to follow the pool rules to a TEE, unless he lost. For the first time, I didn't let anyone get away with anything. It was amazing. I am different in how I see things. Not changed, just transformed. I danced my ass off to this cool music, the band..with girls and guys. It was fun. I won many games of pool and was so good. People thought I was hustling, I was so good. I have not played in years and making all these shots like PING PING. I talked to so many people. One guy said he hasn't met anyone in Miami as cool as me.

There was people there I knew.
We drove over there in a group, and , on their way over,  they were blasting THE CURE. Before that I was playing warcraft at someone's house. It was the best game ever. I loved picking facial expressions for my character. I was innocent looking. The scenery was so beautiful.

I took a crash course in the game and watched some of the South Park episode, where I learned some secrets and real tricks. Watch free episode here:
http://www.southparkzone.com/episode.php?vid=1008

One is that you REALLY CAN duel with another player, but, you both have to agree to. How cool.
Every one who plays the game has different quests so noone is playing the same game, ever.

Did I mention you could be GOOd or EVIL? Yes, and you can have pets like bears? Only if you are a hunter. And you can join guilds? There is so much. This game is amazing. Trust me and try it out for free, you can. After I played I decided real life sucks and warcraft is the world I want to be in. I am so cool in it. It is so much better than real life. ahahaha just kidding. See if I am and go online and just MAKE a character.

I really wish they did not allow smoking in the club. I drank waters all night. I had so much fun. I did, real fun, like I never have in my life. I was free from everything, ever.

Girls were running up to me, and just being social.  maybe after seeing how I was all over the place having real uninhibited happy fun. Genuine. I guess, for the first time in my life I was social. I loved it. I love being with people, it's so new. Living in my head sucks. I need to reverse hearing. The world is out there, never inside.
Of course, I many not feel this way tomorrow, Ido not want to give my brain a chance to think it has figured out anything. My brain I want to escape.

I am so happy! The political author ,Michael Moore, shares my opinion, of dentists! The opinion that more than half of their work, is a scam. I was leafing thru his book. It made me SO happy. Someone out there, agrees. Someone, who is mainstream.

My friend bought me a gift. I tried to guess what it was, I had my eyes closed after opening the box. I wanted to say "a Cameo" so bad, but it's surface was flat, from my fingers, feeling it. It turns out it really was a cameo, but the cameo face was carved, in glass, from the inside. Scary, the feeling, huh? That blew my mind.
 There really was that image when I touched it, with eyes shut, but I let my brain do the thinking. I shouldn't have because It never is right about anything!
/

I got gifts in the mail today! They were both wrapped up. One was this book http://images.amazon.com/images/P/0195111303.01.LZZZZZZZ.gif

and the note read :
 
Suvine, here is a good "intro" to the science of "complexity", the idea that there are no coincidences, just unknown spontaneous ordering. All my love- X

and another one was a gift of these flannel pajamas. A pajama gram. I remember talking with him about. I had said, " I do not want to be sexy anymore. I want to be happy in flannels."

I am comitted to going on a juice fast!!!!!! I also want to be complete, in every area of my life!!!

March 31

This photographer Atta Kim is amazing!

He takes photos of 100 men, places each pic on top of the other, and that makes an image of one man. Same with women.
 
Here is what "the world" looks like,  the face of it. Here is 100 countries and 100 men http://www.icp.org/atf/cf/%7BA0B4EE7B-5A90-46AB-AF37-7115A2D48F94%7D/kim_popup6.jpg

He also does long exposures and genius stuff.

I had the best day.

 I got my reject tattoo covered up with the most beautiful colored grapes ever..in Miami Ink.

( I placed my arm over my scanner, so it is not an accurate picture here, but kind of faded, the black is really black....it's tender)

 

The place was flooded with tourists , taking my photo and asking me, "Does it hurt?". Yes, it does, it hurts more when you ask me that, too!  I wanted to jump out of body and into the tattoo artist's body.. That is how bad it was.

 It is famous because of the tv show on TLC, filmed there.

http://tlc.discovery.com/fansites/miami-ink/miami-ink.html

It was expensive, but these artists all have eons experience and deserve to take home more. They are talented.
 
I am so high on endorphins now, I feel like goofing off and sucking on watermelon.

I also got my book the Grape Cure. It was written in the 1920's about this lady's awful experience with cancer. The last stages of cancer with all the details. She ate nothing, but grapes and it was permanently cured in 6 weeks never to return, after decades of living with it. She tried this on many last- stages- of cancer- patients and all of them made it and cured themselves. She reports in detail what happens, how all the pus comes out and legs swell until the posion goes away..
She says cancer is caused by cooked meat and polluted foods.

I slept on South Beach, this afternoon, in front of the sun, and got a tan. I also had a lot of watermelon juice from juice bars.

 I was going to get my hair done, too, but I ran out of time. Another day.

AWESOME

I got my tarot cards read, too.
I listened to everything she said, she was interesting. She says, the the track I am on now, is that I have lost, just recently, a wonderful relationship. She sees friendship but nothing more.  She also was right on about other things, happening now.The poor girl interrupted herself, so many times, to tell me I was beautiful. I gave her 40 bucks " donation". She was so nice to me.

Her and her "old man" as she called him ( he was a hippie kid!)..They live under a bridge in South Beach. She said it is fine, except somedays, she wakes up and finds herself seeing some guy's pecker.

I had my portrait drawn on Lincoln road. It was fun. I really enjoyed watching this man work, he would look at me so intently and it was fun to watch. I had people stop and give me thumbs up and all smile. I really had a good time and there were such good vibes. I could see how proud he was of his drawing. It looks good for me looking my worst ahahah.

My dad sent me pictures of Nicaragua where he is building a school, giving himself for charity, with a team of philanthropist Americans. Nice huh?