I go to the Miracle Mile Jamba Juice to get orange juice. I don't even speak to anyone, I just go in and stand there with my big black sunglasses, and they give me what I need and I give them my Jamba card. I love the warm sun on my arms when I walk there.


Surinam cherries are everywhere, in people's lawns and in parking lots . They are so sweet when purple. I eat so many when I got to Post office.



I didn't even finish this, I bought it, stared at it and kind of sat there for a while. I can't remember why. Difficult days, back and forth on what is good and bad. I just sat there. Just being.




I post on myspace, somethings sometimes I wanna post here too. But they are poem-y and too strange.

Sometimes I don't want to write at all, but having a blog is kind of like well, you have to stick around or don't start one at all...you have to keep going... etc..

Write about my passion. Well, I have been fasting, trying to, on watermelon juice, fasting away and things become sadder and more beautiful. Listening to music, dreaming and sleeping on the beach.

I read The Grape Cure By Brandt, of course I got to try it out. I know I got some demons in me. 2 weeks I am doing it, just grapes after an initial fast. I want all the poison to come out. I want to be, me. I know I am inside something. I feel it, the longer I fast, I know it and feel it, but then, I have trouble, poisons, cravings, symptoms of old diseases and that is what I need to get past a few times, and then bliss and feelings of love and tears, splashing like love into a bitter heart.

..

I have this memory of me waking up in the middle of the night with my bed covered in vomit when I was about 4-5 years old. I had red hair then, almost blonde. I do not know what it means. Why do I remember this so vividly? I remember my mom coming in and cleaning me up and we had a very intimate sharing moment then, in silence.

I have strange memories. One is I took apart my record player and I don't know why I did it. Another one I buried baby chicks in boxes, and then dug them up again a few minutes later. Sometimes I dropped coals on cats. I hit frogs with rocks. Yes, I did all that. Very bad. My reactions to my dad's punishments. I used to make pretend food out of leaves and twigs and cook it over a real fire I made. I liked this boy, before kindergarten,  my dad's professor's son, his name was Gere and I would draw hearts and put all my love into these imaginary letters I would slip under my bedroom door into my mom's room and pretend he received them.  and I remember I would feel so amazing. I felt like light. He later kissed me for a few minutes, many years later, on a visit with my dad. It was my first, first ever feeling of pure first love. We were interrupted by his mom coming up the stairs, " Would you guys like some blueberry pie ?"

I have been feeling better and better about myself.
Being with me, being with others, listening to music, hearing .
I share with people and then I get scared.

I have two new classes, I GET TO START DRAWING..woo hoo!! I bought 18 by 24 inch paper ,which is huge, graphite pencils, eraser and ruler for my Perspective class. Also, a Computer Literacy course too. I have about 5 chapters I need to read. I read out loud so I remember things and it takes a while.

My 4 options in life, as far as relationships :

( this is the world that got created that repeats itself over and over and over and over again in my life):


Be my mother I used to think I had to be like her, the way she was, when my parents were married. Submissive, always do my dad's laundry and cook him meals and clean all day and do whatever he said. I thought she was the perfect wife, they seemed so happy, even when she was sad she was silent. She would be very sensual with him too. I figured I needed a man to marry me and help me do things like go to school, like she had help. I had to be a slave.
Don't be my mother I used to think maybe the way she was, made him bored with her, and that she looked really silly doing whatever he wanted. I used to think she was fat and why doesn't she have long hair and is skinny?. I would also marry for love and beauty, not like her with my dad. My dad would just be an asshole and my mom would totally treat him like he was king, even when he punished us. I hated that and told myself I would not be like her.

Be my father be smart, be intelligent, read alot, travel, do amazing things like he did. Eat healthy, take trips, I date lawyers, date people who were smart..I have weird hobbies like he does. He was fascinated with nice houses, so am I today..

Dont' be my father cold


I would like my future to be filled with happiness and joy. I want to always create a new thing, something good. I want to be happy and content with who I am. AS IS.
Everything that is, is complete. Nothing is going to get better or worse, just is. I am me, I am already related to any one I want.

I am already related, and the funny thing is I am "always trying "to be related, in a relationship..but I am already here!!

I declare and stand in, "I AM RELATED ..WE ARE RELATED"

I want to be present with another person and then I am related. I am being there.




I say so that I am related already to anyone I want. Just be being there and having integrity.

I would like to create a future for my relationships!!!! I promise I will do this for a powerful relationships, not the probable future but a new one that is not a function of the past but of my word and my creation!!!

I want to move into a new form and new space..the kind of future, that I experience right now!!! that inspires and moves me.

I want to worry about bigger things than the relationship, much bigger that moves me..bigger than itself...something that is exciting for both of us.

There is no right and wrong..this is creation.

/

 And it will never go away, our dreams that we can never seem to FIX. Accept your self the way it is. and the way it isn't. and a new door will open up, that has never been open before.

/I am creating the possibility of being in love, and having the love , just shoot, from both of us, and also to be really happy.

April 2I took a walk around Coral Gables, and just walked on, in the dark, and tried to be with me. Down Palermo, Toledo and Anastasia. I was crawling next to bushes with wind blowing and crickets chirping. By the Venetian Pool I heard the sound of disturbed frogs. The full moon was beaming on me, a spotlight on my skeletons. It was telling me it can see right through me, and there is no hiding.

I sat in a park on Miracle Mile, studying, in the sun this morning.

I am eating just grapes for two weeks. I am waiting for detox, I want to see poisons come out of me.

I watched three great movies. I love The New World. It is so great. Haunting, mysterious, tropical and pure to me, like Wide Sargasso Sea was.

I also saw Eragon and The Quiet. Eragon was ok, The Quiet was so disturbing I felt better about myself. Not really better, but the acceptance that I am not alone.

There was a lady who said out loud, " You know how happy you are to go on vacation, and it always sucks.. because you always come along?" And the people listening were totally agreeing. Other  people feel like me? Wow. I was shocked. I guess this is universal feeling.

I am not trying to be funny , I mean it.

I want to love and do nothing but love. I want to just be in love with love and be happy. I want moments of bliss, in just bliss. I want to kiss and to hold and to be sad, very sad,  if I am, and be ok with that. I want to be like a child and be innocent and be genuine, myself, truthful and really me. I want to be happy. I want to be loving and woman.

If I could give up all thought for love. No thinking anymore, no plans, no issues, no decisions, just love. I would do it.

I am looking at my fake blonde hair now. I would give anything to have it be natural and long, never been cut, ever.

Am I a bad person, am I ugly?

Just grapes today. I have a headache. I had diarrhea too. I am looking forward to reporting what visually happens to me, what I detox and how I manage this " grape cure".

I honestly don't think i will ever be happy with the way I look unless I start looking like I did when I was a child. Beautiful skin, nice eyes and that IT. Bjork had IT, so did Marilyn Monroe.

Sometimes when I watch movies I do not think a character is beautiful, until we get to a scene where she is wearing skin tight dresses, cleavage and lipstick and nice hair, and I think, wow, how did I miss this? Beauty is relative.You could wear makeup and look like a clown half the time or not any wear makeup and look really good to a few people, in certain moments of time.

You could have a special It that makes you look beautiful no matter what you look like, a glow and alive feeling, spontaneous real , genuine and content with the
 present.

maybe instead of worrying how I am going to survive materially, why don't I worry about being complete all the time?

Maybe I need to be ok with my fears. I need to accept my fears.

Acceptance sets you free.
i accept everything and every possibility.

/

April 3rd

I just had a beautiful day! Beautiful!

I got my hair done and I just sat there nodding off, in apathy of the world, and acceptance too.. and this guy took such great care of me, I mean he did everything and more and then blew dried my foil to help it go faster, such personal service. There were no words. He took care of me. Maybe he understood.

Everything was amazing today. My eyes were going crazy. You know, when you see a really amazing photo, and everything is in focus, and it's sharp and colorful? That is the camera of my eyeballs today.

Everything looked good, beautiful. It's second day on grapes, alone.

Walking around , it seems like just looking at the green grass covered in leaves is as refreshing as a drink of spring water. The purples of the plants stick out at me. The trees, I feel, love. I feel the reflection and warmth of the sun bounce off things into my heart.

I realize love and acceptance are the same thing, but then, instead of accepting things I can't accept, I love things, I can't accept. It set me free , for a few minutes. I was not me. I was in between, in limbo. It is very rare I have ever felt this. I felt it once in San Francisco once for a minute , too. It is pure joy and happiness, I was FREE. Free from me. I am happy. I love it.

I am happy , accepting everything that comes up as bad.
I want you to know I love you. I do very much.
Hope has a rainbow that is black.

I watched the movie CHILDREN OF MEN. Sounds about right to me. It's our future. It would be so nice to have little amounts of people again. With me , in the world , of course.

I feel like an arriviste, in a strange new land. Having everything with memories of not.

I talked to this girl and I could see the sadness within her. I asked her if she was sad, she said yes. She was drinking beers, at my friends house and smoking in the backyard patio, before she went home. I showed her my tattoo which is very warm and peeling like a sunburn.

We talked alot and then I played Warcraft. I died this time, and I had to start over in a cemetary and find my soul and everything was spooky and  black and white.

I am going to be a loving person to people, I am going to be loving. Always, and always loving everything that comes up.

I am wearing a white tennis dress and my hair is beautiful. I am happy with myself as the grape cure days go on. I have long fingers that type these keys. I am happy. I feel good. I am good and loved, and me, the unreal, as well.

I watched some American Idol,  and the judges all seemed really happy and really positive and gooey nice. I would make a bad judge because I like to hear genuine voices, and these people were all too peppy.

April 4



My dad says he is going to be a star on this reality show on A&Echannel on tv this summer. He says he is not allowed to say anything. No wonder he was taking acting classes. He is very excited and I can't wait. He is super prolific, super, does alot of everything. What is he looking for?

Woke up, my new tattoo hurt, was peeling so I squeezed grape juice on it and the water running off was white so I knew it was working. And it felt better. I would make a compress but have no time. The weather is really , really nice.

I got organic grapes for 10 dollars, versus the 3 dollars for non, and let me tell you, it is such a difference. It came dirtier, I had to have the lady wash them off in the grocery store. They were really good. I could taste the difference. Day 3 of just grapes. I was around alot of smoke last night and I woke up really yukky.

/

Went to Bayside, Miami and got a feet and leg massage, also a back one. I miss my massage therapist at Universty of Miami. He rocks.  I lay there under the big tree in the entrance and watched little girls get henna tattoos on their backs. I saw French girls with ballet slipper shoes and high heels, taking photos with parrots.

I walked around with the earth's heaviness on me, in me, feeling the weight of it all. Taking it in. It felt bad but later good, not thinking , dreaming or trying to escape the state of the world. I felt at peace. I did. I was not going anywhere, just being. I was so comfortable, I wanted to sit in someone's lawn to gab on the phone, I didn't. I found a place, where I want to move in, next time I move. There was a little rain.

The grocery store ran out of organic grapes. I had green ones and they still were good. I harass the produce guys who every time I come in, they want to hide because I make them look for organic stuff.

LOST is on tonight, GOODY!!! I love that show.

I am wearing these 279 dollar Custo Barcelona pants I got for my Switzerland trip and a shirt with a flower sewn into it. My hair is beautiful. It is so soft since the hairdressers. I am listening to the Thirteenth Floor Elevators, and enjoying myself. I am pretty jocular, my happiness undulating.

Grapes on the menu again, for two weeks it will be. I have never felt so keenly. My grape fast is so cool.

Oh this book came in the mail, called GLIMPSES OF REALITY by Benito De Donno.
 Here is a quote:
" Humans are divine beings nourished by spirit and as such, do not need to eat, at least, to the extent they do. A person can enjoy perfect health by just being a fruitarian (one who eats only fruit). I am living proof of that, having lived on fruit for the past thirteen years. Not only that, but I eat only once a day, am never hungry, thirsty or tired. I do not suffer from heat or cold and I sleep 3-4 hours a night. I cannot recall the last time I went to a doctor or dentist. My mind is sharp and everybody tells me I look 20 years younger..."

Now if I could really stay on track! I can succeed!!



My cover up I had done at Miami Ink is all peeling and sore. It is so much better than what I had on under it. I used to have this really bad space looking thing, I could not have it lasered off, because of weird ink. So I did it. I was bored more than anything. Needed some excitement. I am pretty errant, looking for stuff to do.