"Live to the point of tears.

It is never too late to have a happy childhood."

Yesterday, I had 2 avocados, 3 Thai coconuts, 2 mangos.

After eating grapes for a week certain things have changed, drastically. I can no longer eat frozen durian. It tastes awful. I need fresh fruit. I mean, frozen overnight, sure , that is fine, but Durian, is packaged and frozen for weeks, months maybe.

Also, when eating mono fruit, it is like I am eating a form of filler. My taste buds are kind of killed off, eating fruit. Fruit is nice tasting, but there are no salts, spices, syrup sugars, grease, that make cooked food taste good. SO, I am eating to satisfy by body, not my taste buds. The inside of my tummy loves me for it. My stomach is not an acid bath anymore. It's like a piece of fruit.

Now I am eating a papaya. It is so good. I am eating it with a spoon.

I looked on
drudgereport.com
and I could not believe it about the shooting in Virginia. That is sad. Poor kid. He was not ready to die , neither was everyone else he shot. Think, if you had a minute before you were shot, at all the things you have not done yet, that you have wanted your entire life. I mean, I have never thought of hurting others like that. That is something I am new to. I think, he could not talk to anyone, and that he thought, he was the only one, who had something wrong with him. When actually, we all have that. We all could have understood, and related to him, if he opened up. I bet his girlfriend, was the only one, he could be truly himself with, and everybody else, was an outsider or "them".

 I also saw this which was funny. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AE847UXu3Q

Click on the slideshow here at the middle of page. http://www.ecopolitan.com/restaurant-minneapolis
 I am in Minneapolis and going to this raw food restaurant to eat  (they'll have raw fruitarian drinks/dishes)


I went to the Wedge, this organic market, it's huge. I got an Apple juice squeezed, and 67 dollars worth of organic grapes, which is not alot, but it doesn't matter. Organic grapes are so rare. I got a hydroponic organic tomato to try, and it was not that big of a deal. Juicy and tough meat. They had points on them. I ate an avocado on the bus, and watched the locals talk to themselves, and act a little crazy. The bus driver was a Vet, and had a big bushy beard, and pins on his hat. He talked to me about the shootings.

This is an reading of an introduction to Ayn Rand's book "Virtue of Selfishness"

http://real.aynrand.org:8080/ramgen/ari/audio books/vos_introduction.rm

I have so much school work to do. I am learning Excel, and three point Perspective now. That's like a worm's eye view or a bird's eye view, with a third vanishing point either going up or down.

Eating grapes, and starting to really live.

APRIL 18TH

I want to be a productive human being, I want to be smart and a genius. Efficacious and talented.

All grapes today.

My good guy lawyer buddy, sent tulips and irises to me. He is so sweet.I have alot of school work to do. I walked around today. In Minneapolis, there is a statue of Mary Tyler Moore. I was kind of impressed. How quirky.

I went into a bookstore, and found a Tropical Fruit book, with all this fruit, I never heard of . I didn't want to buy it, because I do not want to accumulate junk. I don't.

My friend Chef Belive, in California, is making raw food for Keenan Wayans. He has  raw food recipes, like MOCK Steak and MOCK grilled chicken. LOL, Funny. Manly man, raw food recipes.

I am here, naked at my desk. My hair is up in a bun. I just took a whirlpool bath, studying with my book at the edge of the tub. Reading schoolwork. My body feels hot.

My friend A is working in a organic food store, in Oregon. She wrote me on Myspace. She looks different. She used to be a fruitarian, and was really skinny and pretty. My breath was taken away, when I knew her. Now, she kind of looks average and sunken. I think, she is 100% high greens, raw foodist now.

The next Raw food Miami meetup, is at Glaser farms Farmer's Market, in Coconut Grove, and there is no way in hell, I am going to that thing. So I am an island.

There is some new fruitarian lady on Kveta's board who is long term fruitarian and her kids too. Interesting.
http://www.fruitnut.net/index2.htm?PAG=62Melon,REF=

April 19th

I feel strange tonight. I feel actually happy with my mind, and I feel safe. I never used to feel safe, alone or with people, but I just know that I can count on myself absolutely now and without fail, I know what is best, and can bring best to me.

Thing is, I always listened to others, and sought truth outside. I doubted me, and my thoughts. When, my mind is the truth, and the number one source, I can trust, to survive.
I have comfort in knowing my guardian angel is my mind, that all will be safe, because I have it.

I used to trust men, to make me feel safe. I threw energy away, gave it away, to things and people. I trusted others, over my own mind. I thought I was stupid. I thought, I had to listen to others, who seemed like they had their life together, when noose has it together!

I mean, I think I am ready to move in a more real direction. A more on the right track one. You know it, when you feel it. I have to be in tune with my brain, I have to be aware of its messages, and what it feels. It's my savior, not some imaginary god or mystic who lived and died ages ago. I have saved myself, and I have done it, fighting the entire way and rebelling. Not believing, that I hold the key, to everything.  I need to start having the highest kind of faith in my mind.

I watched LOST tonight. It made me a little sad. So did the news and The Sopranos.

I miss being loved. I can't just love anybody, but I know in the love I have for myself, it is sweeter and more comforting. I am sure there are many who love me, but it's not their love I want. I want my love, and I want to fix the past. But it will never be fixed, because it is fixed in time, not to be fixed forever. I have to accept and survive.

The kind of future I want to live into, isn't one of just surviving and making money. I feel I want to create a new future to move into, a very exciting and pleasurable one. I want to be like a child again. I want to fell awe and wonder. I want to love myself,  as the highest source of knowledge, pleasure, guidance and joy.

I am going to listen to my head, (or "feel with my head")  like, it's the highest mountain of experience and knowledge. I am going to trust in me, not in others-what a waste! Unless, I want to read a book, or something. I want to follow, follow, follow. I want to follow my mind and go where, it leads me. That is the right path. Not very socialist, other people loving or collectivist. But I, as the individual. Me, and the one and only god which is my mind. The world can fight me, I stick to it. I know it is right.

I used to give my energy away, and watch it fly away. I mean, I still do it now. I see so many people daily, it is almost not worth, being overly enthusiastic, because I never see them again. I try to help so many people see who they are being in life. For what? Maybe they took my insights away somewhere, but I never know. Why waste my energy on others? Why fall in love with problems I can't fix? Why not work on, and be with myself? Maybe, I could love everyone, and have many friends, but I feel my soul is in all those places. Maybe that is good. I have not worked it out yet. PEOPLE are like trash cans for my good emotions. heehaw Maybe the energy needs to stay in the source.

I cannot argue with love, Love is so beautiful. Do I deserve it, do others? Probably not. I do not want to love, in boxes, where there are rules. I want to love, as if it is, my last few minutes on earth. Kind of like "take my life, it is yours." Does anyone deserve that love from anyone, these days? We are all so bad and rotten.

I ordered a plate full of grapes, honeydew and cantaloupe. The honeydew is so good, I forgot how good it is to taste.

I went to Ecopolitan, raw vegan restaurant. I was not impressed. There is so little I can eat. I am beginning to find I can't really eat anything, other than fruit. It just doesn't taste good. Tastes like dehydration and acid. I tried some spiroolied zucchini with a sauce of jalapeno and something else creamy, some nuts, maybe, and I didn't like it.
 I am sure it is good to raw foodists .

I photographed some tulips.

I cannot make everyone happy, I realize, I am a jerk sometimes, a royal pain.

I know, where I am headed. I feel where I am headed, if that makes any sense. I can actually feel, in my brain, what feels right. Call it intuition..but I know what it is, I want. To be, and to go..it's a feeling. The more I focus on it, the stronger, the good feeling gets, and I feel my head glow. It's like I can see the path, in thoughts. I think I want to live this way. Live for myself, Myself, as the means and the end.

Wow, it feels heroic.
It feels like there is a path for me that I can be great, and do achievements, I had no idea I could.

I want to go home and either leave the country or hide somewhere on beaches or in bed. I was looking at this magazine called Budget travel. Wow , good deals. For hotels and airfare and 8 day tours and car you can find stuff for like 500-1000 dollars. Everywhere.

I do like the ICEHOTEL. It's a hotel made of ice, in Sweden. It melts every year and a new one is built by the best ice carvers. Noone will want to go with me. Who would.

////

Thursday In Coral Gables, Florida

The plane ride was uneventful. A plane full of fat people, and muscular Judo competition boys. One of them had a 23 year old birthday, and we all sang happy birthday, while his friend videotaped the excited plane. I put the red American Airlines blanket over my head and slept. Miami is so pretty coming in.

Every time I walk on a plane I have to touch the outside of the plane, and tell it, I love it.. I am superstitious and believe, that this will keep it from crashing. Anyways, I always do this. But today, I saw someone, before me, do the same thing.

I think I am on the wrong day. It's the 19th.

8am-12noon 5 fruit salads in the airport
1pm Chopped hass avocados
2:30 Sapodillas chopped mixed with purple Passionfruit ( do you like my sheets?)

 3pm Smoothie with avocado, dates, banana
 5pm Squeezed Orange juice


My rat died, when I was in Minneapolis. It was dead in its cave. It was the neurotic one, the unloveable, biting one.  It ate the plastic dishes and chewed through anything. The nice one is left, she doesn't chew anything. I leave the cage open, and she runs around, and then runs back in the cage. I will get her a buddy, a nice one. Maybe a black girlfriend.

READ THIS,

http://www.lef.org/magazine/mag2006/mar2006_awsi_01.htm

Friday April 20th

Interesting links

http://prisonplanet.com/
http://infowars.com/

I ate:

Midnight- Honeydew melon smoothie w/ 1 tbsp.raw coconut oil
noon- Squeezed orange juice
2:00 pm- home-made salsa and guacamole, at the Mall
5 pm- honeydew melon
9 pm- avocado, purple passion fruit and date smoothie

I bought alot of dresses, at Urban Outfitters. I got the big 70's style dresses with kimono sleeves, silk and long. Bohemian. It's a new look for me.

These:

http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/images/us/local/products/productsall/p318493c.jpg

http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/images/us/local/products/productsall/p341804c.jpg

http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/images/us/local/products/productsall/p312441c.jpg

http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/images/us/local/products/productsall/p347293c.jpg

I bought a book that has a lot of fruitarian recipes. Well, some fruitarians eat nuts, I don't. I eat greens sometimes instead, rarely. It is called "Sweet Temptations, Delicious desserts that need no cooking", with a foreword, by Ann Wigmore. It's an old book. Great stuff, that is original.

I want to take ballet class tomorrow, and just get into it, again. I would like to be really laid back, and go slow, relaxed, and just enjoy myself. My hermit cocooning, is just about over.

I spent a lot of time, talking on the phone tonight, while looking at myself in the mirror. I kept brushing my hair. I also took some baths. Laid in the tub and stared at the ceiling. I am contemplating bangs and dyeing my hair brown again.

I started reading AT HOME IN THE UNIVERSE. I am happy to be back home in Miami. Everything here is good, and beautiful. I was with a thousand people today, and spoke to noone. I went to two malls that were packed. I trust in myself, I know who to give my energy to. Me.

Although other people are needed, to help me stick to my goals, and materialize dreams. I believe in love too. But comfort is just as important. Comfort and being who I am, is important, in front of someone else. When I start faking , then everybody fakes and it's a mess. Noone knows who anybody is. We all think our real selves are awful and maybe it is true, so we keep it secret, but it's there, written all over your face. So why not be the real you, and when people see it and are ok with it, then you realize, hey I am not bad at all, I am accepted.

I keep secrets. I do. I live in a box, that I store away. I figure if noone sees it, it's not really there. But I know its there. I am aware. I feel ashamed, and that I sold out. And the years go by. Welcome to being human. A world of fakeness. Fool everyone, into thinking my life is ideal. It's not. I am lonely. In my mess.

Being aware is the first step. In freedom.

I know soon, I will fix this, I just am procrastinating., I want to live as a heroic being, that I am inside, and succeed by talent, skill and drive. It will happen. I will do it. I will risk everything!!

/
 //

This girl, asked me if she could come to France, with me. I am thinking of going in May. Look a photo she emailed me!  I don't think, she'll want to go to the French countryside, she looks like she'll like Paris. I said yes. We'll see.
She looks like a bad girl in this photo, but she is very sweet and smart. She is local aquaintance.



///

The last time I went to Paris, I heard this song, from the top of the Eiffel tower:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2524060449870031571&q=pinback+fortress

/

How can I be a hero, or live a life worth living, if I am dead and trapped with fear and enslaved to material things, and the easy way?Yet there are those who are true heroes and excel, and do great things they love, listening to noone, and doing what feels right.I am looking for a hero to see that it is possible to do what is right all the time.
/

wow I just cried! I cried and it felt good, it felt like I was real, for the first time, in a long time, that I am human, That I have a heart, that I know the truth about what is right and wrong!!! That this is a genuine moment that I am self expressed. I wish I could be proud of myself!

/

ALL I have to do, is listen to my heart, in every matter..follow it, and maybe accept or sacrifice, that I MAY suffer a little, but with my heart dream to keep me safe, I probably won't..This requires total trust in myself, because I am venturing into the unknown and never before traveled. New exciting things might happen. that never happened to me before. I can actually LOVE ( live) a LIFE WORTH IT!!!

Imagine, living a life like that? One, where I am happy to wake up, and get out of bed because life is so new. One that moves me, deeply. Imagine that kind of life where I am a hero to myself.

Not working to fit in society, but working to fit into, my life, on this planet, as a human, a HUMAN!

Am I just a "programmed machine"? NO!


I want to be scared, so I can feel safe later, the right way. I want to accept the possibilty of starting at the bottom, like in everything, but in doing the right things. No fear! of the worst case scenario of living a life I love!!

Is that funny, we are actually scared to "live a life we love," doing what is right..risking for our true happiness, how Sad is that? of all of us? It's bad!! noone moves! We all live lives of quiet desperation!! haha

I know its inside me. I know...is today the day?

IS today the day, I sacrifice everything to living a life I love?

I am so scared!! I find it hard to say yes..
/

I am going to wait a little bit. Maybe get excited about it. excuses I know..
/

April 21

For my computer Literacy course, we had to pick someone on  the internet to do a biography, an 8 slide show, presentation on. I picked Anne Osborne, this fruitarian who has beautiful fruitarian kids. 

Fruitarianlady

I also found a photo.



It may take 2 minutes to upload, but read!
To get the slideshow to work, click on it!!

 Went to WILD OATS in Pinecrest. I bought Giant mameys, avocados, heirloom tomatoes and Sapodillas. I had them cut open a Thai coconut for me.

I met this girl Mariela in Wild Oats. Anyways, Mariela is a girl, who does raw food delivery, in Miami. Veggiemunn.com is her website. She came up to me and started talking. She looked so alive and glowing. So happy to see me. I felt really good talking to her. She stared at me, smiled alot, and did not leave . She made me sad, when she said, " I always thought you had a raw food business". At one time, that was my dream. We gossiped a little bit. I feel happy for her, she is doing something, she truly loves. I decided I wanted to get a delivery from her, to support her, and just because of curiosity. I paid her on the spot. So Monday, I am getting 5 raw vegan meal dishes delivered. I can have my mom over, my mom loves raw food.

I missed the Farmer's Market again, in Coral Gables. I slept in, listening to "Atlas Shrugged" audio book.

My mom came over, we drank watermelon juice, and looked up houses  we used to live in, on Google Earth, on my big hdtv. Diversion for hours and hours.

Here is my study of THREE POINT PERSPECTIVE for class. Worms' eye
 view. We do bird's eye views too. See the three Vanishing points? I should have done them further away. Actually I messed up, it's not worm's eye, not if the eye level is in the middle, and I made it go down, in the front, so I am standing... !!!Shoot! 
I hope the teacher doesn't notice, these things take practice!




April 22

noon- orange juice
2pm- salad of cucumbers, bell peppers and tomatoes
4pm Cream of tomato, blended soup with avocado
7pm- watermelon juice
9pm smoothie of passionfruit, banana and sapodilla
10pm- organic mango
11pm- sapodillas eaten with a melon baller


I just found out, all supermarket strawberries are irradiated, and so are most mangos. I did buy an organic mango and it tasted sooo good today, they last longer!

I was supposed to go to this place called Revolution, in Fort Lauderdale, to see a concert, but I declined, I have too much homework.

Got my bike fixed. Had to go get it fixed at a bike shop near Sunset mall.

Dropped my camera, and a screw got loose. I have to fix it at a shop. The lense is too heavy for it. Which reminds me, I need to learn how to use my camera. This gigantic lense is so much trouble , but it takes good photos. It would take better ones, if I knew how to use it.

I might go for a midnight bike ride in the dark. I slept for hours and woke up, thinking it's almost daylight, and it was only 9 pm, so that means I will be up all night.

Love Ayn Rand's thoughts

/

Corruption is rewarded and that is a bad sign. Your money is damned and it damns you. Everything you buy reminds you of your downfall.

Greatness and talent is rewarded too and the money glorifies you and makes you really rich! But internally wealthy..through intelligence, work and creation..

Money will not redeem my vices. I do not want to be the person who sells his soul for a nickel. I want to respect money and earn it respectfully.
otherwise my money and things I buy will be a reproach to me, rather than glorify me.
Money will not give me code of values or purpose , or intelligence or admiration. I become a victim of inferiors, if I damn my money by how I get it. If I corrupted my money.
I want to earn money from talent alone and trade, the right way, with reason, judgemnt and ability. I do not want to obtain it the wrong way, loot, fraud, catering to fools, lowering standards, doing work I despise or selling people's vices!

My money, earned that way, that reminds me of shame and reminds me of my depravity.

 I want my money to glorify me.

The verdict I give to money is the verdict I give to my life.

Money is the creation of the best in me, I need to earn it the right way and earn greatness.

The man, who respects money, is the one who earned it right way, the ones who damns it, obtains it dishonorably!!

Money demands virtues, I want to love it and see goodness in it. I beg forgiveness, for owning wealth. I do not want to be a crimnal, or looter anymore. I want to be great.

I want prosperity and greatness. Real prosperity.Money is the root of all good.

I do not want to be the tool of men. a slave, catering to others.

/

Everybody loved my presentation on the fruitarian

l 24th

I feel a general goodness around me.
I do, I feel like there is comfort in comfort. It is how my mother is. She hates stress. She agrees with everything everybody says, and just shuts up in relationships, and gives. Gives privacy. I admire that. I want to be silent and happy. I want to be comforted in everything.

I want to sleep, while awake. No wonder fruitarians want to live on the beach, and hide from the world. I want paradise on earth. I want to love..the sun.. I want to be, the wind..
I was the wind, today. There I was, barefeet, lying on the hot pavement, in my silk dress, with $60 strapless bra, on the pavement and grass..My neighbor, in a business suit, walks by me, and smiles,and I felt silly, got up, blushed and tried to look normal.

I sat outside, like this for a long time, doing nothing , but feeling. I felt a lot of pain, sadness and hurt. I let it ride , let it run its course. I just watched the wind blow through the trees. The wind was restless, and the sun hot. I saw very few people, and just nestled, inside a cocoon, in my brain.
Later, I read books, and made watermelon juice. I ate an avocado and sapodilla salad, and smoothies of bananas, dates and passionfruit. I stretched my feet.

I walked, to Miracle Mile, in high heels, and felt unusually tall. I went to Barnes and Nobles, and I bought a book on NIKON D70. On my way home, I got fresh salsa, at the Mexican restaurant. I ate it with a spoon.

I love commas, these days.

There is something wrong, with my camera, not my lense. I get ERR messages sometimes, when outdoors, and its overexposed, on the auto setting. I have to take it to shop. I dropped it twice.
 I think it's just a setting, so I bought a book and am reading through it. So much, I learned in a few hours. I want to have control over my camera. You, so easily, can change the temperature, the aperture, the shutter and how saturated with color you want your pictures to be.

I got my graphic tablet!!! It's so cool. It's like a real pen-mouse. I can totally draw. I did a thick line drawing on PAINT program. I have got a lot to learn, lol. That is why I am in art school.

I also got my raw food delivery!! I called my mom, raw food is too heavy for me, to eat. I wanted to see my friend's creations, and support her.. I don't think she needs my help though. Her boyfriend was busy, doing deliveries from the afternoon until 10 pm. Of course, I was the last one. I am kind of happy for her, that she is doing raw food. I love creation. I don't miss raw vegan food, though. Well, maybe I do a little, because I was so happy when I was a wanna be raw food chef. Now I like fruit. I have always liked fruit, all my life. It is what is right for me.

Here are the pics:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/suvine/sets/72157600117502780/

 I got a new baby rat. After Bunny died, Goji was so depressed. I could not watch her.  I got some comments, asking me not to buy another rat, because it supports animal cruelty. Yet, it's cruel to let my rat girl be so alone, sad and depressed.  Now she is happy, has a baby girl to cuddle and eat with.  I fed them some of the raw food dishes tonight, in their five story mansion.

2 people from Paris, wrote to me, spontaneously, today. I have a strange attraction to Paris. An affair of the heart. The city I love. I can't wait, to go back. I may also go to Spain.  I always want to escape, and it always sucks, because I always tag along. I always believe that going to certain cities will save me, just like I believe in lucky Surinam cherries , that I pick and eat. Strange superstitions.

This girl wants me to go visit DC and help her fight Codex. How cool is that. I told her I would go to the Animal Rights conference there, in July, so now I have to go.