I made a decision, for real, that I will only do what feels right, forever in the present.

I feel so alive. I know what to do, I do, I know.

Knowing, is not everything, it is trusting.

I have a million of opportunities to settle for less, but I want the best. How come I haven't wanted the best in me? How come I haven't always been consistent with doing the right thing, in my own life?

I want to write about everything, because now, there is nothing I can be ashamed of.

I am in love with heroes, and I do get disappointed, but I want to be around real heroes. Those who are talented and live for themselves and noone else.

I am flawed and have live flawed. I have not believed greatness was possible or even real. I have been a leech and have lived off others, and have made demands and expected sacrifice. I have earned exactly what I have. ( nothing). I have all this money but am poor. Even if I have and make more, it will never buy back my virtue , or true love.

I need to earn all that. I need to do, and follow what is good inside me, What is good is an energy in my heart.

I think everything, relates to everything. Meaning, if I do not protect my heart, and source, then I cannot succeed in anything. If I am not choosing right, in my heart, then I can't choose right in food, diet, love, anything.

It's like death attracts death and life attracts life..the right way creates the right way, and the wrong way, that seems easy, leads to the wrong way.

I need to choose what is right for my heart, and then be richer then ever thought possible, proud of myself and the money I earn, by talent, and production, that will make me richer in soul and spirit. Money will be a blessing. Money will be something that enriches me.

I am going to start doing the right thing, and working hard, working hard at what is right. I believe that doing what is right will always work. It always wins. How do I know what to foolow? It's this god inside my heart, it's a feeling, I can be, with the silence and feel it. It doesn't speak in words, just feelings.

I know, how important it is to be true to myself. I do, it feels right, it feels good. It feels so awesome.

But still, I am not too sure I trust in good feelings, amazing insights as this? How can this be? Maybe I never really looked at my inner higher self. How can I not trust the ultimate source of goodness inside us all? that guides us. We pay for ignoring it and are rewarded for following it. Rare breeds of people..

//

Today, I decided, for real. I am going to do what the inner voice tells me too. I am going to do this willingly. I am, am going to listen to myself, and my inner goo, or god.

I am going to stand up for what is right, and reject what feels wrong. I am going to live a life, where nothing I do I am ashamed of. That way I can actually write everything that happens, in my journal, because I am good.

This is a really big deal, but to you guys reading, are like, "Yeah sure "..but this is big big. I am quitting my job, because it is unjust to me. ,Today, now , now. I am going to be someone who only answers to the feeling, of god inside.

It is so sacred. and I already tried to hold onto this god feeling, while doing stuff I hated, and it was the worst thing, I ever felt. The lowest. I know that cannot work.

I do want to create, and be productive and do things and express myself. I want to be someone I am proud of, and I want to make a lot of money that glorifies me, not d**ns me. I want to earn it 100% honestly..

I feel a little excited, I feel new, I feel like I can breathe using my entire lungs. It feels like..a little weird because I keep wanting to worry about the future, but my good inside isn't in the future, it is here now inside. I am following my true self which is only in the present, in emotions of my heart, and it glows. You cannot ask, for help from "you" in the future , but only ask for help in the present inside yourself, now.

Wow, how exciting is this? I know it feels good, I know it feels weird. I know I am scared, I am attached to all these things, am afraid of losing, but why do I feel I have to give anything up? I don't!!! I think that is the cosmic joke, is your fear, is really scared of you!!

I live in a very nice place, but it is for people, who have earned it, honestly, to enjoy it. Only they can, the others, suffer. They suffer in agony, because they cannot buy their virtue or happiness. No matter how much they have, of dishonest,  cheated, or looted money.


April 30 am

I am listening to the Cure fan station, and just studying. I have so much studying to do, I like it. It's harder, than just doing assignments, but understanding them, forever, in the present. 

Listening to Chan from Cat Power.

I am trying to figure out how to use Illustrator. I admit I never used it before, I was just practicing the shapes lecture. I got a graphic design tablet, I am just learning to use, too. My scanner is so nice, everyone's scans are so dead and mine has the brightest, clearest colors.

I had a ton of Mamey smoothies today, with Dates and Passionfruit.

Mostly writing on message boards. I got some nice emails. Some sad ones. I am not going to Spain anymore. My friend wrote me, a little misunderstood. I said, I can't go anymore. He is not that emotionally stable, let's just say. Someone warned me about him today as well.

I know, what I want to do. It's not so much something I see in the future, or in plans, but I know what I want to do in feeling. I know, I am the means to an end.

Got my period, lasted about an hour, mostly.

I am not very talkative today. I did not do much, and am upset about that.

I think that it has been so long that I have done any kind of exercise at all. I don't need to. I look fine. But I stretched my legs a little and it felt so good. I would love to go to ballet, but I have so much to do and work on. I wish I could go jogging, but I do not like to go by myself. Maybe I should. I live in great jogging place because after 5pm, there are barely no cars at all. Just crickets and mansions.

I like to run, it makes me feel good. I like to do exercise, I feel it's very good.

I want to be really smart. I skim, a lot, in whatever I do. I have been impatient etc. NOW,  I want to do everything absolutely the right way. ( No matter how low the job. Actually, there is no such thing as a low job, just low men who do lousy). That means, when I study, I must GET everything, instead of just reading, hurriedly, and brainlessly. Also to turn in pristine assignments. That is the true way to learn and have clean success. Because you really learn. You master things. Plus, even things as small as when I wash dishes, I want to do everything right and thorough. Anything I do, I want to do it perfectly.

My hair is brown again. I dyed it with some ammonia free, animal safe, dye, I got at Wild Oats. It feels soft, and is smooth, and long in the back.
 
I wore my RAW tshirt today, and Victoria Secret plaid girl boxers, with the crotch sewn up.
My mom bought the RAW tshirt at a raw food retreat, and I stole it. I saw her, this weekend, and gave her mountains of clothes, to keep, that I do not want, anymore. She brought me sugar cane juice with ice, how can I resist? She takes all my dirty laundry, away with her.

She cleans my entire place when she comes, and then is so careful on how she takes care of my place and with such detail , fixes and thinks about things, for a long time, on what would make me happy. She brings roses and flowers, in vases, for my bedroom and living room.
 
I feel pity for her. I do, I don't want to, I want to see her happy and living a life she dreams of. She is going to have a transformation soon, in May. Big surprise. I am glad, because I see her falling into the trap. The trap is living off alimony, working a job, that is depleting, but pays well, living  life that goes by, plans that can't materialize. Someday, tomorrow, she'll get out, she thinks. It's all because she is not in tune with her real self. I really spoke with her for a long time. Inspired her. She is religious, so she could relate, when I called her inner higher heart self, god, which it really is.

April 30 pm

I am so happy today! I am filled with light. I just want to lie, in bed, and feed myself, with this good energy. I feel loving, sensual, beautiful, whole, complete, chaste and real. I feel like a real good girl. It's so awesome.
 
I feel, I have been doing it wrong, everything, my whole life. Serving others, trusting others with ideas for me, expecting charity, demanding and just failing to produce anything. I became a leech and looter. Cheating, and taking the easy ways, to get money, I never am able to enjoy.

I really didn't see, these new ways of being, by myself. I do alot of reading, philosophy, Ayn Rand, Aristotle and go to Landmark's crazy courses.

 I would never have found raw foods, if it weren't for other people. I wouldn't have found freedom, if it weren't for other people, committed to finding the best source of us. They do humanity such a favor.
 
I want to be a heroine as well. I want to , in order that I can find more and more, of what is best in me. Me alone, nobody else. Mine.

I want to be a force. I want to work night and day. I want to write. I want to OH SO BAD.

I want to write the new rules. I want to create the new rules now. Of my life. Of Life.

I do not want to sit in a cave, but I want to write, for the best part of me. I want to be led, by the highest source, I want to know that it is there, just ready to lead me, to where I want to be.

When people die,  and think they see the "light" or God, I just think they are in tune with this higher self. Why can't they sense this alive, now. In each of us?

It's there, this light, when we make bad choices, we are thinking, IT DOESN'T MATTER.. It doesn't matter, doing something I don't like and acting, like I love it. It's there when we cheat, or work for people we hate , for money. It's there when put talent and work aside, and instead, we cheat, to get ahead. It's there, this god light, when we degrade our temple. Our sacred light, needs to be nourished, otherwise, we stray from ourselves and our paradise, and our characters become those we can't stand, and wish to get away from.

Like me. I was dying to get away, to travel, to leave "me" behind, to escape and cheat karma, but I always came along, and everything sucked!
 
I can truly see, how now, I can go on the best vacation, by just being someone transformed, someone who lives by their principles, does what is right to herself. By herself, even when noone sees, because, I matter..I become someone who asks the spirit inside, this light of truth, for guidance.

I am not speaking of words, " Dear Spirit, what do I do?" that's stupid! I am speaking about sensing what feels right , in the heart. Being guided , by this inside, guides you to feelings that are pure. And you can wander there, and then it's like you just automatically, by intuition, have the answers, and see the path. Any contradictions you feel, don't do. Just don't. Trust in the self, just like I trust in fruit.

And by the way, being fruitarian now, I am totally, utterly satisfied!!! That is a big deal. When I was living with contradictions, lying to myself, faking everything, searching for an escape, acting, not protecting what is sacred, I felt I couldn't do anything right!  I couldn't even be satisfied, always hungry, always cheating with a litte of this, or that.. I had no idea,having any self respect, had anything to do with why I was not satisfied, and I had cravings, and just could not be satisified!

Now, it's like, I have not been hungry in days!! I just eat fruit and it satisfies me, makes me feel so good. It slumbers in my belly, this good feeling of having fruit inside. I do not need anything, it is spirit we feed off of, just like Benito de Donno wrote! It's not nutrients we need, but life and its force.

That explains all those breatharians, who climb mountains and eat snow and never get hungry for months, feeling euphoric and satisfied. But when they are in a city they can't do it.

So you see, I choose right inside, because I really do matter, to myself. I don't even think, I am choosing, anymore, I just know, where to be.

I have homework to do. I will write more later, after it's all finished.

Mbh wrote me a little return note, and it is like everything is ok, and he forgives me, I think. I can move on, and be so happy, now.
 I  read these books, where guys are in love with one woman for what seems like their lifetime, and somehow never quite attain it or even consummate it. Think of all the times we sell out, on true love, and make messes. Then think of these guys. It's very inspiring. It is possible.

I think, I am going to love myself. But I do have strong passionate breath taking, chemical inducing, attractions. Attraction to beauty. Attraction to real heroes. Muses for all my artwork and poems, and novels.

I am new, transformed. I am never giving anything away, unless it's for selfish reasons. I want to protect the sacred inside me. I want to be loyal to it's means and end. For selfish reasons, I know my following my heart it will guide me to everything I want and more. I do not want to give in to others, in love, never, out of blind trust, with my soul. I want to protect it, because it feels right.

I get entertained, by celebrities sometimes:

Oh there is a new movie coming out, about the 60's, with Marilyn Manson's New girlfriend, EVAN RACHEL WOOD. Look he even painted her, says she's his soul mate! She's only 19.


He is devastated that his wife divorced him, Dita Von Teese, and wrote a new album, about the entire relationship called, "Eat me, drink me", or something like that, "inspired by his depression over his divorce". It is coming out in June 2007.

Evan is pretty but can't hold a candle to Dita,



///

here is the preview to that movie I wanna see


Across The Universe

Add to My Profile | More Videos


/




Homework. Chapter 1 Adobe Illustrator sigh, I was supposed to do a shoe ad but got carried away.