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Dream May 1
Posted by Suvine at Tuesday, May 01, 2007 1:47 AM and is filed under uncategorized 
May 1
Ashley remembered her long hair, she was going to brush, until it shines, in the morning. She was waiting for the rain, to come down, so she could reach, into her wooden closet, and take out her pale white slip. It matched her skin, she was so pale. She remembered, she was waiting for someone, to show up at her doorstep, with presents, and a kiss. Her man, is a black suit, with a silk shirt and big eyeglasses. His name, was Walsh. They walked together, inspired, by the singing, of fish-mermaid, oriental women, who live in the sea, of your trippiest dreams.
Caressed, they spoke, they awoke to find, they were underneath a big black, tall umbrella, in London, both wearing hats, both faces pale, with violet lipstick called "Suicided Cherries in the Mud".
It was raining, on long walls of brick. There was stained cold tears, of the rain, falling and soaking all. A rain, that came from the North.
"Who heard you come to me?", he asked, "Who heard, that we are together?" "Why do you ask?" , she lithed.
"Because, I feel like sleeping, in an unknown drowning, of all my love. I no longer want to love, nor believe in it. It can't happen, it just doesn't exist. It can't happen."
He continued, in a soft ring of voice, in the dead, London air, "It can't happen. I am sorry Ashy, I can't make it, I can longer live. It is not worth anything to me. This thing we all dream about, is lifeless and dead, and and.." He started to disappear, fade out, his voice receding into solemn bird's eyes, until he was gone, and Ashley was left in the rain.
The noise, of the teardrops, on the pavement, becoming louder and louder. She stood there with flowers, of purple, in her cold lips, and stared out into the brick walls, saying, "I am going to make it, I won't let anything get to me ".
And then the ring, of cold winds, awakened her, and showed her the reality, she was now in. This was a new way, something different. Lost she was, for a second or for weeks, she could not tell.
What was the purpose of her, in her lilac mouth, staring sideways, under the frilly black umbrella, towards the alley, out onto the Main Street? What was her night? Where was she to go, but here? Could she close her eyes and not hear anything anymore? Could she sleep inside of death? Or, would she find, that she might just wake up, in another body?
She started to get cold, so she thought about what to do next. Time, love, all these things, occupied her mind. She was biding time, until an answer came. She waited, shut her eyes and just lay there, vertically.
She stood there, in her long black coat, hiding black tights in boots. She wore wool gloves with the fingers cut out , exposing tiny nails with "Puke Dark Vixen", color on them. Her eyes shut, she slept until she found an answer. She waited for one, just dreaming of what is there to do.
She heard cars rushing through puddles, and felt the heat of street lights, searing the whale oil. The night was black and warm, like cool hands comforting her. Her eyelashes lay thick with mascara, and lay on her eyes. Her blonde hair, was ice and snow, on melted brains.
There was a boy, she saw in her mind, on a cold beach. This boy, far away, was running towards her, topless, with hair over the ears. He was screaming for her, and waving his arms around, frantically. He was warning her, of a tornado or an upcoming storm, of killer fish.
She could see him, in a dream, but realized, she was just seeing this, on the back of her brain. She had to focus. He wore these jogging pants, that looked so soft, tied at the knees. His bare feet looked attractive. She tried to see it, this cold gray mirror, winds blowing, so the screams panned out. There was a message this boy was telling her, a warning. "Run", or," look out", or, "get away", or "leave!". A desperate attempt at some kind of rescue. She knew this message was very important. She could see him screaming, as loud as he could, in his boy voice.
Somehow , she thought, this was in another life. An old peaceful time when men were men, and lush was lavish.
She was wanting, to move, into a force field of comfort , but one she either had to invent, or wait for. A slow head ache, made her aware that she was tired. She knew what to do. She must go home, now.
She moved her hands and stretched fingers. Her arms were stiff. She tried to move them, but couldn't.
She had to lay down, to do the death of sleep! Sleep was her favorite thing in the world to her, right now. In sleep , she felt good, she felt love and caresses, by soft caring, loving pillows.
She looked around, still frozen, in place. She had to go home to sleep, but was stuck. She was paralyzed, like this, holding an umbrella upwards. She could look down, on both sides of her legs and see her boots stuck to the pavement. The black, tar pavement filled with water. It was like she was stiff, or dead and standing up, holding an umbrella.
"Ok, I get it, I am not ready to move, it is not for me to move, I still have to wait..", she told herself. Standing upright, like a frozen ice cream cone.
Her lips stretched, painfully. She watched herself panic. " I am only dreaming", she started to worry. She remembered her dreams, that felt like this, and said, " Ok, I know I am dreaming, wake up!" She started to whine.
Maybe, it was better to just wait, she thought. Maybe take a nap, like this, in some pleasant dream. If it was a dream, it would have to be better than reality. Dreams are always better places.
There, she would be awakened, and all would be perfect, and life would click by, just like she liked it, to. Like ringing earlobes of love and affection. She would wake up, and be in bed. Or in someone's arms she loved, forever, until the pharaohs died.
There was some truth in that, there was a story. She rushed to listen to her idea.
"Maybe the best of me belongs here, Maybe that is why I am frozen, maybe I need to be like this". Her thoughts told her this, like loving candy. "I am here to be my best, and this moment in time, is my very best. I must stay frozen here in time". She thought of herself like this, for a while.
" I know why I am here" , she heard a voice in her head, flickering down from the subconscious, like a poem, about to be written.
Then she realized, there was snow. Or a memory of it. But it was now, snowing. The rain had turned, too cold. " Am I to stay here frozen like this? What kind of dream, AM I in?". She didn't hear any more cars, but silence.
She thought to herself. " I am like this, because somehow, I am frozen emotionally, and this is my expression of it. This is my physical dream, of how I really am, if my body was my heart!"
A few hours went by. Ashley thought to herself, and felt a strange kind of love, stir, for herself, and she could feel her heart warm. She closed her eyes, and to occupy her mind, she shone on, the love, in her heart. She felt herself smiling, and was so happy. She thought of this energy of hers, directed at her higher heart. Pointed at her goodness center, wherever that was. She felt radiance, and trust. She put all her trust, in herself. She knew she would heal herself. She was recuperating.
It was as if, she was feeling again. Feeling . Touching, hoping and keeping it all to herself, she danced, in the thought of this unexplored pleasure. The light was so strong, it made her human.
Her eyes laid down on her cheeks, They looked at the inner lids. She could speak with out moving her mouth. She could feel and it burned like a loving candle.
Then almost as if afraid to leave it, she got scared. Thoughts of where she was, and what happened to Walsh, again, and where did he go, how do people disappear?? Her eyes rolled back into her skull. She wanted to stay, this deathly terror of something sinister, and empty, made her decide, it was better to stay cold, better to stay hard. It's better to want, and desire, others and bad things. Some sort of chemical, lunged through her body like the sweetest drug, it drowned all thought, and made her obey. Her lips parted, in a pleasure of intoxication. She passed out, from the drug.
It was a few hours, she slept like this. When she woke up, she could feel death's laughter, echoing, a silent laugh of blackness, in her dream . This was her calling out. This was the physical state, of how she felt inside. This frozen, fallen apart state, was who, she really FELT, inside.
Why had she chosen limits, and needs, in order to be loved, or happy?
Why wasn't everything as pretty as her mind? Why hadn't she made others love her?
Why had she cheated herself, out of the best love, of her entire life? Her own acceptance?
She got her bearings and said to herself, " I no longer want to be here, this is stupid, wake up from my dream. Wake up! PLEASE WAKE UP" But nothing happened. Something , she thought, had to happen. There was a reason she was frozen here, something she had to face. maybe even , a monster!
MAY 1PM
There was something there, that she waited for. There was meaning. She knew this dream, was to help her figure out something, in her waking life, a blockage.
Was it her love for Walsh, that was keeping her in chains to the rumored Beezlebub of men? Unable to lift the chains off her, even though, they were very loose chains? Her love life with him, that never seemed to work out, no matter what? Was that her blockage to life? Was she a slave to love, for someone, outside of her. Was she sacrificing her own life, her own greatness, for this grave disease called Love? She knew the answer, It was yes. Her love for others, her Martyrdom for love, her worship of another man beside herself, was in fact, keeping her a prisoner. Unable to move. She could now see this.
She then felt this bliss, with the understanding. She felt bliss coming from her forehead, or her inner mind. She felt good, she felt comfort. She could sense a lull, a drowning of thought. She could feel, sense oxygen and a soft pillow on her cheek, and the cloth, of her shirt, on her arms, like a delicate expensive luxury. Her lips, a perfect dead color, her skin , white and dry, tight across her young white face. Her yellow hair stuck to her back.
There was a sense of everything is ok and fine, in sleep, everything is amazing. She felt herself in bed, rolling her legs on this luxury so fine, this pleasure of comfort.
A soft ache was satisfied, she was a fetus, a beautiful child-fetus again, in her bed with white sheets.
She decided she wanted more of it, and fell into absorbing this train, she was riding, sleeping slowly again. This time, the screaming boy in her head, she thought about, in a flash..what what that all about?
She moved a little bit, rolling, until one minute there she was again, on this beach. There she knew all of a sudden, something very bad was happening. She looked around, she could not see much, the light was dark, and she could view so little. She got up and ran towards a cave, where it was very cold.
She then realized, this bad thing approaching, was her karma and her guilt. She could feel it, almost like it came from her heart, this bad noise, and it felt like demons. She was, in her dreams, facing her choices, and what she had done.
She knew there was one way out, to wake up, but maybe she should face it? What if she couldn't wake up? She couldn't decide.
Where was the boy? And what was his message? What did he want her to do? Who was he? She searched for him, called him, nothing.
All of a sudden all was dark and she was underwater. Her mouth covered and she was drowning, she was breathing water, but since she was dreaming, she could somehow still breathe, but it felt very painful. She felt stabbed with something, violently, her flesh ripped , painfully. then with swords, axes,forks, over and over...and felt her head punched, thrashed. She felt all her entire body killed, destroyed, the pain, heavenly burning, but she made it through.. She felt her face dragged along rocky walls. She felt the bones of her skull and the screams that came out and the broken teeth, floating away. She felt lifted and smashed, lifted and dragged and smashed, more and more. For a long time this happened, until every piece of her was crushed,destroyed and ruined beyond repair. It felt like this was it, this was it, forever. She was over. Yet somehow, she felt at peace, she felt, she was suffering physically, like she was suffering spiritually, for many years.
She felt like she was broken inside the entire universe. In a way, she felt she detested her own existence. Then, All of a sudden, at this thought, that she really was dead, dead-dead, she felt a love for herself, at her own dream death. A love for her life, even as bad as she made it, there was somewhere inside, a gift. Some kind of lost childhood. Some kind of self respect and chastity noone could touch, a gem. There was the miracle. There was the only light in this. She buckled and cried with a ghost sadness.
When you sell your soul to the Devil, or the false part of ourself, she thought, he made you pay. And he sure did.
She sold her soul, to the devil, without ever really knowing it. She sold out, and did wrong things, for money, home, clothes, furniture etc.. Noone had ever taught her the virtue of your own god inside. She sold out for others. She did what others told her, She fell for men, who reflected her own, sad values. She degraded her own body,to get what she wanted from men, to get attention. She sought fast payment for things, burning so bright she would burn out. She stole from roomates, lied to get jobs, created stories to impress, turned her back on her family and friends, for pennies.
Her skeleton, all broken, her flesh all torn, nothing remained of her. She felt everything smashed under evil, cold hands of death.
She could not see or hear anymore, but felt black, darkness, silence, stillness. She could somehow feel vibration. "This is me and this is my life, I made it that way. I blamed others, I sought comfort in others, trying to outrun the law of the world, but made more messes.", she said in thoughts. " I sold myself, I damaged my purity, I cheated others, I lied and backstabbed"
"I blamed Walsh for everything, when it's my world, I made all wrong. I made it this way, this is my perverted creation." She thought , still dreaming, in words.
She felt floating sensations, drowned, moving, swaying, washing, getting eaten, and undulating. She could start to love the worms in her.
She moved for eternity, listening to the pulls, and moans, of waves, all reflecting how she felt inside.
She felt her hands, her arms. Sensations of them. She floated like this, she knows not how long. She could not see, just feel green arms. No thought could formulate, yet.
Then she felt something, a hand, a tiny hand in hers. She felt sun on her back. She felt waves over her, she felt her face in the mud. She was put back together. She was on sand, in the beach and then she looked up and saw her son, her son that she knew right away, was the son she aborted years ago.
" Mom?" he said,
" I forgive you"
There was nothing left inside her, but replacing it, was vacant admiration, for this vision of pristine beauty. He rocked her arm, and she felt the last of her guilt freeze her.
"Let it go, please don't feel bad" he said, " I just want you to know I love you and I am waiting here in nothing-ness, for you. I feel lost here, without anyone. I do not know anyone, but you. I need you".
Then she realized,she couldn't remember, if he had actually spoken to her, at all.
This was her final monster. This was it. There was nothing else after this.
She looked at the dream sun on the beach, all of a sudden glowing into his eyes, the eyes of death and stillness. He was so beautful, and looked back, at her. There was a bond there, a warm love, something he had never felt. She reached as far back into him, this was it, this is him. "This is my son..my love." There was stillness and peace, and so much love. They held hands and something burned, warm, healing sun-like, in her chest
Then she saw him screaming, not to leave her. She was flying a way very rapidly. She was leaving. She was going back to reality, viiolently. The last she saw , was him screaming and crying hysterically, chasing her, this soul, flying backwards, leaving this beach.
When she woke up, she didn't believe it. She ran outside in her nightgown. It was noon and the sun was out, high.
She felt like she knew, she knew things, about things, then. She knew she was the maker of her own destiny. She had a renewed heart and love of herself.
She knew she would live by this good standard and make decisions with the soul and heart.
She knew , she was given another chance, the best chance, a renewed way to live.
She could now pick RIGHT from WRONG!!
How precious is that? Well, she thought, it is very rare indeed. She could pick right and wrong, within herself and her decsions, in the present. There are only rules, for ourselves, inside.
Ashley felt, she was almost like an angel. She know knew, those paintings of angels with circles around their head, she felt like she could feel her own. It was goodness, it was the path, that would give her everything, she wants.
Unfortunately, her karma was still there, going to exact payment or reward, for things, but she learned, what it could feel like, to be free and not in chains anymore. She knew she would follow herself. She knew that she had to be true to herself, always.
" I had a very visionary dream.." , She wrote in her diary that afternoon..
Ashley remembered her long hair, she was going to brush, until it shines, in the morning. She was waiting for the rain, to come down, so she could reach, into her wooden closet, and take out her pale white slip. It matched her skin, she was so pale. She remembered, she was waiting for someone, to show up at her doorstep, with presents, and a kiss. Her man, is a black suit, with a silk shirt and big eyeglasses. His name, was Walsh. They walked together, inspired, by the singing, of fish-mermaid, oriental women, who live in the sea, of your trippiest dreams.
Caressed, they spoke, they awoke to find, they were underneath a big black, tall umbrella, in London, both wearing hats, both faces pale, with violet lipstick called "Suicided Cherries in the Mud".
It was raining, on long walls of brick. There was stained cold tears, of the rain, falling and soaking all. A rain, that came from the North.
"Who heard you come to me?", he asked, "Who heard, that we are together?" "Why do you ask?" , she lithed.
"Because, I feel like sleeping, in an unknown drowning, of all my love. I no longer want to love, nor believe in it. It can't happen, it just doesn't exist. It can't happen."
He continued, in a soft ring of voice, in the dead, London air, "It can't happen. I am sorry Ashy, I can't make it, I can longer live. It is not worth anything to me. This thing we all dream about, is lifeless and dead, and and.." He started to disappear, fade out, his voice receding into solemn bird's eyes, until he was gone, and Ashley was left in the rain.
The noise, of the teardrops, on the pavement, becoming louder and louder. She stood there with flowers, of purple, in her cold lips, and stared out into the brick walls, saying, "I am going to make it, I won't let anything get to me ".
And then the ring, of cold winds, awakened her, and showed her the reality, she was now in. This was a new way, something different. Lost she was, for a second or for weeks, she could not tell.
What was the purpose of her, in her lilac mouth, staring sideways, under the frilly black umbrella, towards the alley, out onto the Main Street? What was her night? Where was she to go, but here? Could she close her eyes and not hear anything anymore? Could she sleep inside of death? Or, would she find, that she might just wake up, in another body?
She started to get cold, so she thought about what to do next. Time, love, all these things, occupied her mind. She was biding time, until an answer came. She waited, shut her eyes and just lay there, vertically.
She stood there, in her long black coat, hiding black tights in boots. She wore wool gloves with the fingers cut out , exposing tiny nails with "Puke Dark Vixen", color on them. Her eyes shut, she slept until she found an answer. She waited for one, just dreaming of what is there to do.
She heard cars rushing through puddles, and felt the heat of street lights, searing the whale oil. The night was black and warm, like cool hands comforting her. Her eyelashes lay thick with mascara, and lay on her eyes. Her blonde hair, was ice and snow, on melted brains.
There was a boy, she saw in her mind, on a cold beach. This boy, far away, was running towards her, topless, with hair over the ears. He was screaming for her, and waving his arms around, frantically. He was warning her, of a tornado or an upcoming storm, of killer fish.
She could see him, in a dream, but realized, she was just seeing this, on the back of her brain. She had to focus. He wore these jogging pants, that looked so soft, tied at the knees. His bare feet looked attractive. She tried to see it, this cold gray mirror, winds blowing, so the screams panned out. There was a message this boy was telling her, a warning. "Run", or," look out", or, "get away", or "leave!". A desperate attempt at some kind of rescue. She knew this message was very important. She could see him screaming, as loud as he could, in his boy voice.
Somehow , she thought, this was in another life. An old peaceful time when men were men, and lush was lavish.
She was wanting, to move, into a force field of comfort , but one she either had to invent, or wait for. A slow head ache, made her aware that she was tired. She knew what to do. She must go home, now.
She moved her hands and stretched fingers. Her arms were stiff. She tried to move them, but couldn't.
She had to lay down, to do the death of sleep! Sleep was her favorite thing in the world to her, right now. In sleep , she felt good, she felt love and caresses, by soft caring, loving pillows.
She looked around, still frozen, in place. She had to go home to sleep, but was stuck. She was paralyzed, like this, holding an umbrella upwards. She could look down, on both sides of her legs and see her boots stuck to the pavement. The black, tar pavement filled with water. It was like she was stiff, or dead and standing up, holding an umbrella.
"Ok, I get it, I am not ready to move, it is not for me to move, I still have to wait..", she told herself. Standing upright, like a frozen ice cream cone.
Her lips stretched, painfully. She watched herself panic. " I am only dreaming", she started to worry. She remembered her dreams, that felt like this, and said, " Ok, I know I am dreaming, wake up!" She started to whine.
Maybe, it was better to just wait, she thought. Maybe take a nap, like this, in some pleasant dream. If it was a dream, it would have to be better than reality. Dreams are always better places.
There, she would be awakened, and all would be perfect, and life would click by, just like she liked it, to. Like ringing earlobes of love and affection. She would wake up, and be in bed. Or in someone's arms she loved, forever, until the pharaohs died.
There was some truth in that, there was a story. She rushed to listen to her idea.
"Maybe the best of me belongs here, Maybe that is why I am frozen, maybe I need to be like this". Her thoughts told her this, like loving candy. "I am here to be my best, and this moment in time, is my very best. I must stay frozen here in time". She thought of herself like this, for a while.
" I know why I am here" , she heard a voice in her head, flickering down from the subconscious, like a poem, about to be written.
Then she realized, there was snow. Or a memory of it. But it was now, snowing. The rain had turned, too cold. " Am I to stay here frozen like this? What kind of dream, AM I in?". She didn't hear any more cars, but silence.
She thought to herself. " I am like this, because somehow, I am frozen emotionally, and this is my expression of it. This is my physical dream, of how I really am, if my body was my heart!"
A few hours went by. Ashley thought to herself, and felt a strange kind of love, stir, for herself, and she could feel her heart warm. She closed her eyes, and to occupy her mind, she shone on, the love, in her heart. She felt herself smiling, and was so happy. She thought of this energy of hers, directed at her higher heart. Pointed at her goodness center, wherever that was. She felt radiance, and trust. She put all her trust, in herself. She knew she would heal herself. She was recuperating.
It was as if, she was feeling again. Feeling . Touching, hoping and keeping it all to herself, she danced, in the thought of this unexplored pleasure. The light was so strong, it made her human.
Her eyes laid down on her cheeks, They looked at the inner lids. She could speak with out moving her mouth. She could feel and it burned like a loving candle.
Then almost as if afraid to leave it, she got scared. Thoughts of where she was, and what happened to Walsh, again, and where did he go, how do people disappear?? Her eyes rolled back into her skull. She wanted to stay, this deathly terror of something sinister, and empty, made her decide, it was better to stay cold, better to stay hard. It's better to want, and desire, others and bad things. Some sort of chemical, lunged through her body like the sweetest drug, it drowned all thought, and made her obey. Her lips parted, in a pleasure of intoxication. She passed out, from the drug.
It was a few hours, she slept like this. When she woke up, she could feel death's laughter, echoing, a silent laugh of blackness, in her dream . This was her calling out. This was the physical state, of how she felt inside. This frozen, fallen apart state, was who, she really FELT, inside.
Why had she chosen limits, and needs, in order to be loved, or happy?
Why wasn't everything as pretty as her mind? Why hadn't she made others love her?
Why had she cheated herself, out of the best love, of her entire life? Her own acceptance?
She got her bearings and said to herself, " I no longer want to be here, this is stupid, wake up from my dream. Wake up! PLEASE WAKE UP" But nothing happened. Something , she thought, had to happen. There was a reason she was frozen here, something she had to face. maybe even , a monster!
MAY 1PM
There was something there, that she waited for. There was meaning. She knew this dream, was to help her figure out something, in her waking life, a blockage.
Was it her love for Walsh, that was keeping her in chains to the rumored Beezlebub of men? Unable to lift the chains off her, even though, they were very loose chains? Her love life with him, that never seemed to work out, no matter what? Was that her blockage to life? Was she a slave to love, for someone, outside of her. Was she sacrificing her own life, her own greatness, for this grave disease called Love? She knew the answer, It was yes. Her love for others, her Martyrdom for love, her worship of another man beside herself, was in fact, keeping her a prisoner. Unable to move. She could now see this.
She then felt this bliss, with the understanding. She felt bliss coming from her forehead, or her inner mind. She felt good, she felt comfort. She could sense a lull, a drowning of thought. She could feel, sense oxygen and a soft pillow on her cheek, and the cloth, of her shirt, on her arms, like a delicate expensive luxury. Her lips, a perfect dead color, her skin , white and dry, tight across her young white face. Her yellow hair stuck to her back.
There was a sense of everything is ok and fine, in sleep, everything is amazing. She felt herself in bed, rolling her legs on this luxury so fine, this pleasure of comfort.
A soft ache was satisfied, she was a fetus, a beautiful child-fetus again, in her bed with white sheets.
She decided she wanted more of it, and fell into absorbing this train, she was riding, sleeping slowly again. This time, the screaming boy in her head, she thought about, in a flash..what what that all about?
She moved a little bit, rolling, until one minute there she was again, on this beach. There she knew all of a sudden, something very bad was happening. She looked around, she could not see much, the light was dark, and she could view so little. She got up and ran towards a cave, where it was very cold.
She then realized, this bad thing approaching, was her karma and her guilt. She could feel it, almost like it came from her heart, this bad noise, and it felt like demons. She was, in her dreams, facing her choices, and what she had done.
She knew there was one way out, to wake up, but maybe she should face it? What if she couldn't wake up? She couldn't decide.
Where was the boy? And what was his message? What did he want her to do? Who was he? She searched for him, called him, nothing.
All of a sudden all was dark and she was underwater. Her mouth covered and she was drowning, she was breathing water, but since she was dreaming, she could somehow still breathe, but it felt very painful. She felt stabbed with something, violently, her flesh ripped , painfully. then with swords, axes,forks, over and over...and felt her head punched, thrashed. She felt all her entire body killed, destroyed, the pain, heavenly burning, but she made it through.. She felt her face dragged along rocky walls. She felt the bones of her skull and the screams that came out and the broken teeth, floating away. She felt lifted and smashed, lifted and dragged and smashed, more and more. For a long time this happened, until every piece of her was crushed,destroyed and ruined beyond repair. It felt like this was it, this was it, forever. She was over. Yet somehow, she felt at peace, she felt, she was suffering physically, like she was suffering spiritually, for many years.
She felt like she was broken inside the entire universe. In a way, she felt she detested her own existence. Then, All of a sudden, at this thought, that she really was dead, dead-dead, she felt a love for herself, at her own dream death. A love for her life, even as bad as she made it, there was somewhere inside, a gift. Some kind of lost childhood. Some kind of self respect and chastity noone could touch, a gem. There was the miracle. There was the only light in this. She buckled and cried with a ghost sadness.
When you sell your soul to the Devil, or the false part of ourself, she thought, he made you pay. And he sure did.
She sold her soul, to the devil, without ever really knowing it. She sold out, and did wrong things, for money, home, clothes, furniture etc.. Noone had ever taught her the virtue of your own god inside. She sold out for others. She did what others told her, She fell for men, who reflected her own, sad values. She degraded her own body,to get what she wanted from men, to get attention. She sought fast payment for things, burning so bright she would burn out. She stole from roomates, lied to get jobs, created stories to impress, turned her back on her family and friends, for pennies.
Her skeleton, all broken, her flesh all torn, nothing remained of her. She felt everything smashed under evil, cold hands of death.
She could not see or hear anymore, but felt black, darkness, silence, stillness. She could somehow feel vibration. "This is me and this is my life, I made it that way. I blamed others, I sought comfort in others, trying to outrun the law of the world, but made more messes.", she said in thoughts. " I sold myself, I damaged my purity, I cheated others, I lied and backstabbed"
"I blamed Walsh for everything, when it's my world, I made all wrong. I made it this way, this is my perverted creation." She thought , still dreaming, in words.
She felt floating sensations, drowned, moving, swaying, washing, getting eaten, and undulating. She could start to love the worms in her.
She moved for eternity, listening to the pulls, and moans, of waves, all reflecting how she felt inside.
She felt her hands, her arms. Sensations of them. She floated like this, she knows not how long. She could not see, just feel green arms. No thought could formulate, yet.
Then she felt something, a hand, a tiny hand in hers. She felt sun on her back. She felt waves over her, she felt her face in the mud. She was put back together. She was on sand, in the beach and then she looked up and saw her son, her son that she knew right away, was the son she aborted years ago.
" Mom?" he said,
" I forgive you"
There was nothing left inside her, but replacing it, was vacant admiration, for this vision of pristine beauty. He rocked her arm, and she felt the last of her guilt freeze her.
"Let it go, please don't feel bad" he said, " I just want you to know I love you and I am waiting here in nothing-ness, for you. I feel lost here, without anyone. I do not know anyone, but you. I need you".
Then she realized,she couldn't remember, if he had actually spoken to her, at all.
This was her final monster. This was it. There was nothing else after this.
She looked at the dream sun on the beach, all of a sudden glowing into his eyes, the eyes of death and stillness. He was so beautful, and looked back, at her. There was a bond there, a warm love, something he had never felt. She reached as far back into him, this was it, this is him. "This is my son..my love." There was stillness and peace, and so much love. They held hands and something burned, warm, healing sun-like, in her chest
Then she saw him screaming, not to leave her. She was flying a way very rapidly. She was leaving. She was going back to reality, viiolently. The last she saw , was him screaming and crying hysterically, chasing her, this soul, flying backwards, leaving this beach.
When she woke up, she didn't believe it. She ran outside in her nightgown. It was noon and the sun was out, high.
She felt like she knew, she knew things, about things, then. She knew she was the maker of her own destiny. She had a renewed heart and love of herself.
She knew she would live by this good standard and make decisions with the soul and heart.
She knew , she was given another chance, the best chance, a renewed way to live.
She could now pick RIGHT from WRONG!!
How precious is that? Well, she thought, it is very rare indeed. She could pick right and wrong, within herself and her decsions, in the present. There are only rules, for ourselves, inside.
Ashley felt, she was almost like an angel. She know knew, those paintings of angels with circles around their head, she felt like she could feel her own. It was goodness, it was the path, that would give her everything, she wants.
Unfortunately, her karma was still there, going to exact payment or reward, for things, but she learned, what it could feel like, to be free and not in chains anymore. She knew she would follow herself. She knew that she had to be true to herself, always.
" I had a very visionary dream.." , She wrote in her diary that afternoon..
Dear Suvine,
Please, please, please. Write yourself a love letter.You'll love yoursel, and every one else, forever.
Lots of Love.
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Ok Dave:
Dear Suvine, I love you. I think you are beautiful. I forgive all your mistakes, I admire you can see them for what they are, and step out of them. Some people can't ever see how rotten they have become, and live lives that are dead spiritually, but you can see it, in yourself, and have decided to never sell out anymore. You have become aware of the consequences. You have chosen the hardest way to live and that is to be true to yourself and follow your inner heart. That takes courage.
Courage to give up the things that give you dead things, and dead relationships.
I want you to know you are doing what heroines do. I admire that, I just want to see it in action and I want to see results.
I know you will be rich the right way, and you will be able to enjoy things, that you have earned.
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Hello Suvine!
I really enjoy your blog. Because you are interested in animal rights issues, I wanted to send you a link to my paper's blog. We recently wrote about humane animal treatment in Miami. Here's a link to the item, I thought you would be interested:
http://blogs.miaminewtimes.com/riptide/2007/04/miami_not_so_animal_friendly.php
Take care,
Tamara
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