I feel good, I do , a little better after writing that story last night. It had a message for me. It did. I did not know I was doing it. I wrote it long after midnight, as if I were sleeping, or possessed.

People say I am too hard on myself, well, I am, for good reason. For a long time I went against myself, selling out for nothing , for love, making bad choices and then wondering why my life is a mess. It's easy as pie, why. I see it all now. I was lazy and did not do anything productive.

We all think, we have horrible secrets, that people will just die, if they hear, but really, noone cares.

But I am not trying to fix my mess, but just leave it. I don't want it. It's a story. I do not want to carry around, this story.

 I want to be one, with my mind and body. My mind, I want to make the greatest thing in my life. I want it. I sense greatness, it's that I want to follow.

 I am starting to see who my enemy really was, it was only me. If that is true, then I want to meet my heroine. I need to make a best friend out of myself, and protect myself and always stick up for my soul and happiness. Always listening to my intuition and follow it. Intuition is where I need to go.

I wore a pink dress today. I went to the supermarket, and got Drano. See, my life is not interesting these days! ha ha Some nights I feel like my pet rats, in cages. Except instead of a wheel, to run on, I have this internet. Hours and hours of me squeaking , on it. I need to rise above it all. Leave things alone, and do what comes naturally, which I want to be joy.

I ate watermelon, mango, honeydew, avocado, dates, bananas, passionfruit etc smoothies and just fruit.

I long to be free, which is something I have not been , I don't think, ever, even when I lived in San Francisco, and had million roommates, friends, and nights out. I always made someone else's  choices, never my own. I made choices, by ideals and ideas, never, by what I felt. I didn't even know it.

Today the PETA Vice President will be at Book and Books, 8 pm. I will go to that.

I feel good that I can get out, and listen to him, read from his book. Maybe, he will bring a celebrity along.

I love reading, I do. I love books. I love the high feelings books inspire in me, the best. In books everything is possible. But it's possible in real life , too and I would like to live a life, just like a heroine in a book. I want to be the highest heroine, of this story, of my life, always.

 I need to do what is best for me and see that, my happiness, as the ultimate means to an end. I preach, all this, about following the self, yet I hold on to attachments. Attachments that only bring me down and chain me, freeze me.  I made a mess, and have to atone for them. Karma needs to exact payment, for what I have done. I am paying, for making my life a tragedy, for so  long. Many , many years, I have lived dissolutely.

I want to be liberated and loved, for something I earned. My life, is the most important thing in the world.

I need to do, what I say, always, and I will. I need to give up attachments. I just didn't realize it, until this very minute. I need to stop trying to fix what is broken and just follow my heart where it leads me. I know it leads me somewhere good, where I want to be. It's all I can do, is follow this path of goodness.

I want to be loved, FOR SOMETHING..I want to do something, very special and important and know myself. I don't expect love, for nothing, anymore. I want love to have a cause, and be earned. I want values.I want to earn greatness, I want to earn my spirit. I want to be a certain way, the highest. I do.
I want all this, but not by handouts. 

I  want my life to be the highest of values.

This weekend, will be a big weekend for me. I am going away. Before I go, I have to do all this schoolwork.


/

May 3 am

Oh my



The guy from Peta was brilliant.  Dan Matthews. Oh he was so awesome. 22 years of Peta, he is my hero. He did so many things.

He talked about breaking into Calvin Klein's offices, and all the victories of getting companies to not sell fur. Stories of being face to face with celebrities and not leaving until showing them videos of how fur is made. Stories of, breaking into Fashion week, fur included, show, as a priest, and he gave his whole act, which made everyone laugh, and then on the runway showing a sign that says, " Thou Shalt not kill", Stories of how they pressured tv shows, like Roseanne to have a vegetarian daughter on it, after Sarah gilbert really was one...slaughterhouse workers calling them, complaining cows were skinned alive and all these shenanigans. How P Diddy, had his people, call them to tell them there was no fur in their new runway show, and  Peta sent him flowers, but P. Diddy Lied and actually did have fur in his show, just to get Peta off his back.

He said he used to be punk when he started.
I learned so much, I did.


I also talked to my friend, on the phone, for 3 hours. He has wonderful values, and such a great moral work ethic. He believes in True love, and I believe in Love, needing to be earned. We discussed so many things. I really admire him, so much. He is a workaholic, and the longest, he has dated a girl was for 6 weeks. He wants someone who reflects his values. He says he will die, looking for true love. Never giving up, How special is that, awesome.

I was talking like this outside , walking around in the street. My neighbor came home, noticed me walking. I was barefeet, in a dress, so comfortable in the dark, under a full moon.

Drinking watermelon juice. Feeling good, feeling happiness.

I applied for a 10 grand scholarship for school. I need people to vote for my entry May 14th. Easy, I think. I have to send everyone an email begging. And then the top 10% will be judged by judges.

A girl from, Miami New Times, wrote me a nice note about my blog, and me, wanting to be a writer. So nice. She gave me an animal rights link. So inspirational. I love people.

/

Look a VEGAN possibly running for President of the Usa??

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=Kucinich2008

May 3

I think what makes people happy is work. Work and working hard, and doing a good job. Always, trying to be better.

I like what Objectivists say, that there is noting more, than what we see. We are in this world, where we, ourselves, are GOD , capable of real human greatness.

What we see is everything, and if you look around, there is work to be done. There are many things, that need attention. Many things, need to be created. Not just metal and labor, but brains and thought.

All of us are 100% useful to humanity somehow, if we would only put our potential to use. Work is good.

It's like it's what we are put on this planet to do.

 What else are we humans to do?

Live inside our minds and believe, in abstract things, Leech, off others and live, like beggars, and hero worshippers, instead of being heroes? Drowning and perishing, in broken dreams, and blame. Self denial, and sacrifice, greed and loss, of real, living life, from money made the snake way?

What about, in our personal lives? Is it really good to be lazy, google, watch tv, waste time chatting? Over stupid opinions? Expecting people to love us for nothing? No cause? No values and no effort to be the best in character?

Or, to get to work doing something very important? Creating and actually thinking. Creating and work, is good. It is what will save me. Not just any work, but constructive work. Positive work. Something that makes the minutes go by, and gives me, a real sense of fulfillment.

I want to gain respect. I want to be known as someone who produces. Someone who, as she works, is in a place, that feels like paradise. Forever looking forward to a project, or something, to occupy my mind.

I really believe this is real. I want so bad to create things, not just half assed things, I throw aside, but I want to earn talent, and really strive ,and stay up hours, and believe, that I am doing the highest honor I can, to my life.

I want to look at life objectively. I do. I want to be able to see.

I have bad vision. Since I was a little girl. I think because, that is when, I decided, certain things, were too painful to see.
 
I want to see again. I want to see life, as all there is. I want to live. I want to see reality, in front of me, as a real thing, as an object, to be mastered.

I do not want to be a hitchhiker and lose my power,in relationships.

True joy, on Earth, is achievement of your values.

Pain, brings death. Mindless fraud and failure to think, will bring the torture of frustration. Enjoy yourself and live, and do not mess with Parasites.

Along time ago, as a child, I chose not to think. I think that is when I had eye problems and just really sad all the time. I lived in my fantasies. I was very shy, and lazy. I expected things for free. I just got by, in everything.

We are all here, in existence. We  can think, and see what is around us.  I used to negate reality, fog out and blank out, believing things were only, as I pronounced them to be.
/

I will never accept another's mind as authority, ever.
I will never, substitute, for my own thinking. That is slavery, to follow wishes of others. I do not want to decieve my own mind, ever again either!

I want values and honesty. The reality of my existence. I am judged, for what I am. And what I earn.

/

I am doing the Landmark Advanced course, again, this weekend.

/

Evil has no power, except the power I give it, to take away from me, everything.

I want to withdraw my support from anything evil. I want to give support to reason. I want to do everything great I do, alone, with noone's help.

I want to inspire myself. I want to have pride, as a reward my work. I will not force anyone to do anything, I will earn things.

 I want to earn respect, and not by alms or pity. I want to do this struggle, and my goal, is to live, and fight for my life.
 
I want to ascend to the top. I want to die like this. I want to love existence. I want to live a fraud free life. I want to. I want to create.

I cannot explain. I just cannot believe the place I was in today. I was free , from everything, my past says, isn't possible.

Not just in feelings, because I used to measure success, on how I felt, but I learned today, that that, is not reliable proof, of what is real. What is proof is things in reality, around us, so I am totally open, now, to having miracles in my life. Real miracles.

I cannot begin to explain, the magic, of this course. there is nothing like this, totally unique and awesome.

I see myself, as a girl, who can do anything, be confidence, love, joy etc. I can create anything I want. I have tools. I really do.

I want to swing, from another branch. I see my act, and what I do, in face of failure. I see how I hold onto things, that reinforce this awful thing, that has ruined my life, because I actually listen to it.  My act makes me always right, about things, and it is going really bad for me, all the time, because I listen to it. I made it up. We all have it, everyone's is different. And our future, will be almost certain, that we will be in our acts til we die, so I am so grateful, I can see mine, and choose, possibilty or act.

Wow, I am so in a place where I am powerful. I can create anything.

There is no pain, I didn't make up. Every pain I have is Unreal. None of anyone's pain is real. In fact, we judge, what is real, on our feelings, intuition etc which are not reliable ways of telling what is reality at all.

We did one exercise, where we wrote about our worst suffering ever, and the entire history of it. Mine was 5 pages. Then read it to a partner, over and over, until, it was gone, with "Old Mac Donald" playing on a record, to show us how our "Stories": sound, boring and repetitious.
And it worked.  Like a half hour later, after reading it 9 times, to a girl, I was so sick of it, and cured.  I never want to hear, about that suffering, ever,  again, what I made up in my head, ever again. It was so silly, I wasted, my life on this, this story!  It was just kiddy nonsense. It was just a story, a bad novel I have been living. No truth at all, in my suffering!  I Disappeared suffering.

I disappeared a lot of things, where inside of them, I was really sad and miserable. Its amazing how we hold on to such sad things. We blame others and give up responsibilty for our lives.

We see something happen, ( extreme example)  like someone we know, give us a nasty look, and make it up in our mind, that they hate us, and we are not good enough, for example, just based on x , that really is not what happened at all. We then don't speak to them for 10 years. We carry that all our lives. We live really messed up lives, because all that happened, was "x" , and our pain,  is 100% Us, who got the interpretation wrong..

We make decisions as children, that run our adult lives, that were really bad misinterpretaions. All that happened was x, and we made it mean, all this horrible stuff , that ruins our lives and families.  So much. It's amazing.


I am a great person. I am such a greta person and have so much to offer. I am wonderful and so are people, in my life.

I want to create a family of my dreams, as well, and decided to take a stand, to make that work. Now people who know my family, know how much WORK, that will be, but I want to live a life, that is worth it, something, to me.