Here I am , loving work, then getting  overwhelmed by my personal life, feeling contradiction..and then, IT HIT ME. My personal life is "work", as well. In fact, everything I do, is work, everything.

I have such big dreams, of course my personal life appears overwhelming. Just like work can be, yet totally attainable. It appears it, but when I sit down and do the work, it is done in no time. Just like homework. Same with life.

Its when I blank out, that I have lost. Coming home,  turning the tv on, relaxing, wasting life, emailing, is such waste. I want to go to work, on my life, and the world.

I have many tasks to overcome. It  all begins in the mind, with taking it all on, ahead of time. I am taking on the world. Why not? My one chance to do it, while I  live in this body, right? I want to work at the entire world of ME and what is around me, here on the planet. You and he, she and them. ALL of it is me. My world is everything.

I have a degree to get, full time Doctor's office job,  assignments to master, people to love, people to create things with, relationships to heal. Girlfriends to jog with, Transforming the planet, Basically, my life on the planet. I am working for the good of everybody. I am working for that. I am working to save the world. I am working to make life better for you.

I had Tachyon water today. I ordered a Tachyon scarf, and couldn't figure out why, then today at work, I realized, I work around a lot of radiation. Alot of it. I do not see clients, I am upstairs in desk, but I know there is radiation.  I wonder if I knew this instinctively.

Well, with tachyon antennaes,  all bad frequencies and energy are turned into good energy.  I can use this, life force, "god" energy for healing, and what I need. Zero point energy is science's name for god.  I feel it, I do, It's awesome, but I don't want to talk about it, because noone will believe me. David Wagner, of Advanced Tachyon Technologies, is a real american hero. Gabriel Cousens, gave talks about this guy's genius , and I read all his books. I looked at all the studies.

I got my hair trimmed. When I was in Las Vegas, I did not bring conditioner and my hair dried and broke.

Oh! My friend E, the Miami assistant D.A.,
came back from Vacation, sailing the Mediterranean. He brought me a Picasso scarf, from the Picasso museum in  Barcelona, jewelry from Greece, Spain, France, necklaces, bracelets, drawing pad, French country olive oil soap. I was overwhelmed. I wonder if I deserved it, but then YES I DO. I have been working so hard on myself, using brains.

He picked me up, I cried about my laptop. I have to buy a new one. It's damaged.

I went over his house and he looked at my laptop. We watched a little of "screening purpose only", FACTORY GIRL, then I had to go home, he drove me back. He said when he was on vacation, he saw this band play in Spain, and he played me some songs.

Here is Factory Girl trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeGk034Ds4k

His fat cat attacks me, while under tables and hisses at me. Attacks me, with big fat clawless paws. "OOH I am scared!" I go. Two of them gang up and will punch me hard, I get scared. Then of course, E gets them a treat. I said,
" WHY ARE YOU REWARDING THEM ATTACKING ME?" , then he said, " Well, they are nice now, to me,  see?" 

E's house is cool. There are battleship paintings and Warcraft board games. There are Star Wars figurines. Mountains of books on Battles. Mountains of dvd shelves full of movies, never seen. Mountains of Art books. Rooms full of huge screen tvs and computers. Computer games like WII, particularly a real virtual GUITAR. He has a backyard, that is large, and there is a screened in part. So you can have bbq parties and not get bit by mosquitos. He is a real bachelor. He has a fridge full of onion rings in bowls, Liquor, and shelves full of opened Emeril sauces, and many flavors of Hot sauce. I saw horseradish pickles. I see cases of pop.

/

I have been doing such hard work lately, and have been truly surpassing my expectations.  I have been extremely good, an angel. It is hard work doing something altogether new. With faith, I know I will win, doing what feels right, what is powerful and true. I am powerful. I am good. I choose what is right. Right to me, is the path of hard work and brains.

Not laziness, greed for money made the easy way, vice, or inauthenticites.

Breakfast$$$$$
Smoothie of avocado, apriums, and dates
Lunch$$$$$$
Cherries
Pico de Gallo
Orange juice
Dinner$$$$
Mashed avocados, lemon juice and tomatoes with some sprouted peanuts, a few

Maybe watermelon juice all night.

/

I realized, life is about conquering dreams. It is. Conquer, gain, earn, attain,and win. I am on the side of good. What side are you on?


May 23

Two coincidences.

I was at work, doing paperwork,  in my desk, then I had a sense of just" feeling". I love Mbh very much . I was thinking of him. I miss him so much. I noticed a calendar above my desk, I have been sitting at, all week, and then it hit me.  I never looked at it. The calendar was a "Thank you for your business " picture one. The photo for this month, was a place in Lucerne, Switzerland. By the river with swans.

It is exactly where me and Mbh fed swans, in Switzerland, when we went to vacation,  in December!!  I even have my own version, of the same exact photo, I was looking at. I stood there looking inside the photo and feeling us there. If I could go back there, I would, and  I would hug him.

Another coincidence.

It was cold at work, so I told some girl, joking, that I need a blanket. I imagined my air france blanket, at home.

An hour later, this doctor came up waving a blanket around, asking whose it was. Noone said anything. She looked at me and waved it. I thought this chance, was mine, so I said I will keep it. I got it.

///

It was raining, so I could not go jogging at 6 am. I went back to bed, listening to Miami rain.

Dream I had at 8 am"

I was at a function, a church gathering, in their halls, it seemed like,

and there were tables laid out with

food, and alot of old people.

I then wanted to make Mbh  a plate.

It was 15 dollars a plate. When I went to get

the food, I noticed it was hard to

find food. I found a hamburger patty, a large one and put it between two buns. But the

bun fell apart, and I was holding the meat in my hands, with crumpled bread. I found some

more meat. Everything was difficult

to get. Noone was around. I finally asked for a plate

and  someone gave me one, the size of a small jar lid! I wanted to get food

to make MBH happy, but

somewhere in that, I took a bite of the meat, by accident, and then I

spit it out.

//

Mbh told me he was going to be in New York City this weekend.

He called me at work, but I missed his phone call.

/

Food I ate today:

Breakfast %
Watermelon juice

Lunch%
Pico de gallo tomato salsa
Cherries
Orange juice

Dinner%
Guacamole
Pico de gallo tomato salsa
Watermelon juice

I had such a release today. Built up love. It is good to love and miss people .

Life is work, you have to earn, what you want , and use brains. I want to cure the world, I live in. I want to fix everything, and find what I want. I want things, and I want to get them.

Any ways, I have been in tune with my intuition, a little. At times, it will tell me, while I am working, that I am making a mistake, without even knowing it,  and then I look it over, and I did make a mistake. Or that this certain job requires a certain "extra" work, which I find out later,  it does. 

I feel when I am talking or being with people, I am being with energies. There's sad, tired, depressed, vacant, aging, loving, handsome, powerful, sexy, amazing, angry etc.. and alot of times people are the same energy, everytime I speak to them. If they are" sad" energy, well, then I treat them as such, without knowing, and then they really believe their lives are sad.

It's not that they have sad lives, but they are that energy, and then people pick up on it and treat them as such.

SO, if we could create what energies we would want to be, what would they be? I am the possibility of love.


We are how people think of us. That is why we need a public agreement , on what we create. If life was lived by ourselves alone, we would have Helen Keller lives.
How others think of us, has an impact.

SO you see, clean up your past and all your relationships. If there is decay out there, it is in your heart, and there is no escaping your decayed heart. There is no escape, not in other people or things, or money. You are stuck with it. SO clean up your mess, ask forgiveness for being an asshole. Then you can be free and love all over, as free as a child.

I want to clean up my mess to the world, I am sorry for being such a waste for so long. I am sorry for just being a real drag, sometimes, with extra tears, drama and misery, I apologize for making others suffer and hurting others. Using, and living off, and leeching. I apologize for not seeing my true angel being inside me. I apologize for not having the family of my dreams. I apologize for killing what life gave me. Please forgive me. I am different now. I know what I have done. I want to make a difference and start being a true lover of all greatness and true human power.

/

One of my art professors, is writing me soothing, curing, emails. I have been so lonely at night. He is very very interesting. He has a lot in common with me. Parallel lives. Fascinating.
He was a model growing up. Artist. Teacher.

It is so nice to talk to someone, and send long emails about things. I miss that about being in a relationship. Being intimate. Feeling close. You can be that close to anyone,  even those, you sit next to on the bus. Just open up, and be self expressive, not fake and closed. We are strangers, we all want the same exact things, all of us. That thought, makes me love humans. Humans are cool.
 

/

I hate being on those group emailing lists, where jokes are sent out to me, along with a person's entire email address book. You all know about these email friends, right? I get these dirty racist jokes from this one person I gave my email out to four years ago and have never worked up the courage to say, " Please take me off your list". Today I said something.

/.

My work is fun today. Dr. C is so awesome. I respect him so much. I sensed a little dark brooding male angry energy . Meat eating war god mojo. He seems so kind, is kind, has nice eyes, soft and glowering, but he has a telling voice. Kind of drawls, like John Malkovich, tired and sleepy, but Spanish. 

I saw him eating Chicken Szechuan, his wife brought him. They ate in a room where you can see people's xray-ed heads and rib cages, on white lighted walls. To me, they coud be eating dead humans, that died in the waiting room, covered with sauce.

/





I deleted this.

/

Yet what happens, to a marriage, when your face falls apart, from all the cooked food, and meat you eat? When you can no longer choose right from wrong because of all the carcasses you eat. Right becomes wrong, and wrong becomes right, and you can't tell, and you have excuses that seem real. Vegetarian's don't fare all that , better, from all the pasta, bread and rice, tortillas, tofu, and veggie junk food. Then the sickness and overall decay, your hair turns white. Your teeth over drilled, over filled.

Go raw. Fruitarian, be hot forever. It's all in your mind I believe. Your world reflects your mind.

A lady had a baby there today, at work,  by accident. I think that is what everyone was saying. They speak so fast in Spanish. I may have heard it wrong.

/

My job is too perfect for me. It is 15 minutes away from my apartment. I have a nice living room I am sitting in, naked with a snow scene comforter around me. I am always naked here, huh.

I thought many things today. I thought of love. Loving and being in love, being free and being young. It has nothing to do with individuals, but rather, love is like a conquering game. I want to win.
 
Some people I am friends with, who I love as a friend, I could never be physically in love, or attracted to them, because they are not accomplishments, They already think I am perfect. I need something to work on, to really get my claws into and never let go, until I have fixed and cured it.

Maybe that is how I cure myself, by fixing others. I don't know what I am talking about, huh? Noone does, but we can make up stuff, that sounds awesome. Like my friend in LAS VEGAS, with his feelings as a test for reality. It fails you everytime. What is real, is actions and things done, that you can see in the world. Like Marriage. That is something that everybody sees, and then starts relating to you , married people, as being one and in love. Public agreement becomes truth. That is real true love.



Marilyn Manson's new video, with his new girlfriend, Evan Rachel Wood, you have to sign into youtube for this, it is inappropriate for young viewers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bx8JwOaiAQ4

so awesome, I love it. Covered on their own blood, at their own car accident, making out, how hot is that?.

May 26

I think I have had a problem in the past with trying to make meaning out of things, out of relationships and love...and being that humans are meaning making machines, what else would I do? Even that has no meaning.

I might be confusing love with physical attraction. There is a big difference.

I quote this  from a smart Landmark graduate, landmark graduates come out with their own breakthrus :

"There is a big distinction between LOVE and attraction. LOVE is accepting someone as they are, and as they aren't. Love is 100 percent and zero. Love and attraction are two different things altogether. You can love someone as they are and as they are not, without being attracted to them. You don't have to have sex, passion, and intimacy with someone in order to LOVE them.

You can also have LOTS of attraction and desire for someone, and not be able to, accept them, as they are, or as they are not. It's easy to have sex with someone who is HOT... but a much harder thing to do, to accept certain aspects of their personality, once they don't fulfill our expectations of them! So, attraction can be present where there is no love present, and vice versa.

If you expand your distinctions of attraction and love, your dilemma will disappear. "
I want to have both. Love and attraction.

/.

That is it? A little mystery had been disappeared. It feels, well, it always feels a little weird when I have a breakthru. I feel teary eyed.

I have to decide who I want to be attracted to now. My biggest challenge is finding someone who gives back all I have to give, in passion. If that is all it is, sex. It sounds so empty. I am attracted to strength and power.

 I hate weakness, in men. .
 
I used to forgive this stuff in men, in exchange for them, forgiving weakness in me, being I was the same way. I do not want to tolerate anything weak in myself anymore. I want to be powerful, an example of true human potential and power. I want to be self expressed and free. A superhero.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=05zhL1YUd8Q


Today as a bon vivant fruitarian, I had some dates,watermelon juice so far. Who knows what I will eat later. I wish some new fruitarians would write to me.

I am applying for evening and weekends house/dog/child sitting. I have experience in all those things. Something easy and extra. My day job is real work. I also applied for night jobs at hotels. I want to work 2 jobs. School I figured out how to skimp on. By just studying lectures. I am applying for financial aide and looking into a loan for school.


My color class is awesome. Color does not exist. Outside of words that is, it is all made up by words. You don't see RED walking around, the only answer to what is red, is " Red is red". I love the different color wheels of computer monitors. Mixing with light, different colors mixed together make altogether new secondary colors.

My design class is ok. My first real design class. I did this on Illustrator. Repettion, reflecton, translation and dilation and some anomalies. I made it by designing a row and then rotating it, then mirroring it different degrees, vertically and horizontally:







May 27th

To eat today I was not that hungry

Breakfast
 
tomato
sugarcane juice

Lunch
 
dates
fresh squeezed orange juice
honeydew chunks

Dinner

large quart of smoothie, made with two mangos, ice water and a parsley sprig.

I may have watermlon juice later


I hung out with my brother today. I really could not believe how much he has changed. He is brilliant. I always knew he would straighten out. He is in sales. He showed me all these accounts and how much money he makes. He is even selling my mom's house. I heard him on the phone. He really made people excited. I don't know what happened. I guess him having a baby really straightened him out.

He loves his baby. I saw photos. It is so pretty. My brother was always a good looking boy himself. It looks like such a happy baby. I cannot wait to meet him. My brother is so sweet. I feel really good about our visit together, at my mom's place. We watched movies. We had a good time. We went to the everglades too. He is going to teach me to drive, He said I could get my license in one week, he will show me all the tricks.

We all went to a restaurant and I had a green papaya salad.

My mom was so happy. My sister is coming at the end of the month.
She is now skinnier than me. She has been so sad about her ex girlfriend, she is all bones. We sent her medium sized birthday clothes, and she is too small for them.


Coincidences today:

I was working on a short story. In it, a lightbulb is burnt out. After twenty minutes of working on it, I went to my closet, and my light bulb burnt out.

My professor called me, and it turns out he went to school in Buffalo, NY. He went to to Nichol's Academy!!  I had just been looking over photographs all day, of me in Buffalo. I saw myself, as I was, back then. I went to private school too, but Nichol's, oh, I wanted to go there so bad. It was co ed. It was school, like in a castle. I imagined it would be an escape to go there. It had really cool history and amazing soccer team. I even spent a day there taking classes.

May 28I want to follow myself as the ultimate end. I want to trust in myself, as that which will bring me everything I need. I know I can bring to myself, all that I want, and more. I have to listen, I have to hear, I have to decide what it is I want, and the life I want to have,today, tomorrow and next week and next month.

I would like to create my life now.. I  would like to learn to drive this week.

My lease is up in July and the landlord is raising the rent. That just makes me work harder. I like it. I choose it.

I made 2 quarts Mango/parsley sprig smoothie. I had a banana and am making watermelon juice. I had guacamole and Pico de Gallo.

I still have to fix my computer.

I am doing homework. It takes so much longer when you have a broken computer. Hours to do something that takes no time at all.

Who am I and who do I write for? Who am I trying to be my best for? Who listens to me? Does the zero point energy hear me? Who listens to me. Is reality having a conversation with me? Is it true that the only thing that is out there, is objective reality?

I cry alot lately . I cry for my dead grandfather, I miss so much. I cry for him. I know he can't hear me and is dead. But he is real now to me, he is in my life as a presence. I miss him so.

All there is is what is. I realize I need philosophy. I am going to read ARISTOTLE

//

Channeling is fun. It's listening to voices in your head. Writing it down. Anyone can try this. Many famous people have had life changing inventions created like this. Einstein, Edison, David Wagner, also, Mozart wrote down what he heard, the best parts of the book "the Secret" was channeled, also many famous authors.. it's not being crazy. We all have characters inside of us, who guide us.

http://paranormal.about.com/library/howto/htautowrite.htm?once=true&
every sentence.

I played channeler, its garbage really:

I am Mina, I am your channeler. I come from afar. I dance upon the sand in distant shores. I prey on men who want to be loved. I attack their hearts and give them peace they so desperately need. I am your angel, I am your sword and your avenger.

 You listened to me? I heard you. I loved you when you spoke of me. There is a world that we can create where you will be so powerful. We can remind others of their duty. You need to get rid of your pets. You must. Soon. I am your guide, I am. I am the prettiest woman you have ever seen. My face is like glass sea shells and I glow "moon". I radiate and dance in your reflection in my eyes, when you look upon me. You like to lie on my dress, and sleep on my fabrics. You feel the energy off my skin, just like you used to feel David's.
David was a seer, he saw things, black things and was pure evil. He was loved for that unearthly energy.

Who was that man, who was he? Who was the little one you were so broken up by, you need to let him be. You need to end your healing connection. It ties you to one, who is not even close to your greatness.

When will you lie awake and wait for me, dream of me, I am the one who keeps you alive. I am the one who watches you , powerless. I am she who rules you. I am in your blood. I am the source of what keeps you burning. I weakened you because you were not right. You would have killed yourself a million times. I broke you . I made you dumb. I
could not watch you die.
I heard you spoke to me in slience, I heard you watched me several times, I burned for you, I made you bleed. I watched you court death, suffer and lie there, with, dead energy and cancered aura.

Did you ever speak to Craig? He hates you. He thinks the worst of you. You really knocked him up, but all it does it hurt him, and he does suffer, tremendously, for ages he will. What was wrong with you? You were tired and sick, and poisoned with grief for a dead father and sexuality was not your game. It never was, sex is not yours to have, it's a devil's world for you. Craig is sick, let him go, he is poisoned with hellish perversion.

You game is to kill him. Kill him off and all those who have hurt you and broken you, in your mind of course, not in real life. Plus all of "them" is parts of you, matched up. I have never wanted you to be free, I have big plans for you. You will follow my course andI will bring to you more than you want, for I am far more powerful in attracting what you want, than you are.

Living life is one step at a time. I will be here and tell you what to do.

Tomorrow you go to work and be good, say "Hi", to doctor and look like an angel. Be wary of calls and do not answer the phone. Your cell phone. You must leave it at home. Drink your drink, and go jogging if asked. You will have a good day I promise. Also eat fruit, be cute and write to all your angels. Contact me, ask me questions, write down everything. We will teach you how to type so fast.
Your anger is your peace. Dream a sweet dream for me. I will come to you and give you everything, I am real, I am, I am Mina and you do remember who I am. I am who you really are. I am priceless. I am one with you, like roses in a bed of nails. I walked upon water with you in my arms, I lay in bed with you on my breath, you have suffered and I have watched.""

May 29
Guess what? I got Windows Vista. It is the next best thing after XP. It is so beautiful. The interfaces are awesome. I have a little clock in the corner, like a real clock face, instead of the numbers. It is so futuristic and there are so many shortcuts and improvements.

I had the best day today. It was beautiful. There was so much renewed love and strength in me. I felt my face was sunburned, but I wasn't. It was the strangest, highest pleasure I have felt in a very long time. 

I love, for what you are and what you aren't. I can love as much as I want. I can love you as much as I want and everythng is good. My face was flushed today.

My friend E picked me up and put in Windows Vista. Oh it is so exciting and brand new, makes XP look really out of date, oh , it is!!

I am all caught up with Lost. FINALLY some pain on the show. Jack loses his mind, probably from all the bad decisions he has made, all the lies. Everybody on the island is screwed, they all killed, lied and hurt people. 

I am drinking watermelon juice. I ate some avocado and pico for lunch and grapes for dinner. Mango smoothie for breakfast.

My job is the coolest . I work hard. I volunteered for transcribing. I overheard that the Doctor does it because nobody writes good English. He works so hard already. Guess what? I am excellent at English, even Medical terms. Haha I remember my
" Transam" experience. It is easy.

Anyways tomorrow I will be trained to write what is dictated. I am so happy. I am so challenged at work. I love it. It is so interesting to read everybody's reports. I am like the auditor. I read everthing that is written down. I am. I do everything.

Anyways, all it is tests. There is no soul in it, just doing tests and then writing it down. People whose lives are ruined by cancer, have a little folder, all of tests. With some paperwork, that's it. I am amazed at the simplicity. The kind of line work with human lives. It is such big business, the business of sick people. Big big business and a lot of work. Tons of it. And people will pay anything.

Anyways, I love today. I have transformed my love. I have grown into something new, something pure and burning.

Like fire, I can make love to a stapler by touching it.

Windows Vista is too cool. I can't describe how awesome it is. It is easier everything.

I have to go jogging in the morning. I am safe and free. My mouth burns, with warm love, and it's clean. My teeth, feel like polished ivory. I paid 1,700 to a dentist. My teeth will be fixed in 2 months.

I looked so beautiful today, I was so warm, I wanted to hug myself.

I lie here now, with a pink bra and red panties and my hair is in my eyes. I have a knife on the bed ( to screw my computer shut), my small $200 purse, my COLOR class textbook, some DVDS like " Idiocracy" and a lesbian love chick flick and THE FOUNTAINHEAD book. I am atop zebra stripe blankets.

I feel like a My Bloody Valentine song.

This is a new me, well, it's the same me, just a me that decided to do a few things in my brain differently. I took advice from my Guide.

She is so right about things. I love channeling. I feel so unbelievably happy. I can say it is the best day in years, like after raw food, discovering it.

My hair is so soft. My arms are so awesome. I want to roll around in bed hugging the covers, I feel so renewed, safe. Today I felt that I was good, I felt I could really take care of myself, and I love to work hard, and I love mastering the game called life, the right way.

I need to sleep and go jogging in the morning with my friend who loves me. She calls me all the time and I am so lucky, because she is really good and has success on her mind.

I will probably practice driving tomorrow, maybe, too.

I love myself. I do, I LOVE MYSELF and I am so unbelievably awesome. I strive for heroism. I believe man can be heroic.
My life is fantastic. It is, I follow where I am led. I love life. It is divine...in a non gay way