If I were to write this diary whie walking home in COral Gables, this would be an altogether different experience. This would be pure love. The trees, the greeness. We have had so much rain. There has been a drought. It was raining and I was getting rained on and it felt like heaven. It was heaven.

The trees are bigger after a rain, the leaves come out. Green mangoes hanging everywhere. Palm trees that look like expensive pieces of furniture.

Oh. My coach just called me. My project is awesome. My target community in Coral Gables. The possibilty of my Project is LOVE.
I am going, well, I am still working on the details. How can I bring LOVE to Coral Gables. I was thinking of an anthology put together. Thoughts, feelings, essays, on LOVE by my neighbors. I am in the first week so I am just thinking about it. My coach is awesome.
I ask him, " Tell me, TELL me about empty and meaningless" And he tells me this thing, about LIFE that hypnotizes me. He got
 married in his
original selp and has his own business, is busy, but still finds time to go out to Miami Beach to see his friend play in a concert tonight. He says
 YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL. When he says that, I know it to be true. I feel it, there is no excuse and story. Nothing. All excuses and stories, acts, the past, I need to create the future that I created.

If you all knew what I did today, at work. I took on projects at work, bigger than me. I did. I got so much done and re did old nasty forms, into beautiful ones, I learned all this in my computer classes. This one form I looked at, that was interesting, was for mammograms with breast implants. The mammogram machine displaces your fake titty so it can see your boob under the plastic. It says that there could be a possibility of it breaking and leaking and an emergency surgery needed, but if you are not worried, here please sign.

I have a fountain pen I love, at work. I snuck in Honeydew to eat.( Note to self : when bringing in food to work, to sneak eat, cut in bite size pieces and peel.)

I love the rain. I love feeling love on my way home from work, pulsing thru my legs and heart. I smile at old men walking by,.

The Doctor is so awesome. He is so great.
He is greater than I thought. I love being there. I do. I really feel incredible all the time.

I would love to write in my blog, during my MOMENTS. It is never here indoors, in bed. Lucid feelings, greater that love of who you call god. Greater.

I get these feelings of such love, I look at plants and it comes out of my mouth, " I love you" and the plants they are glowing
 and alive. I look at flowers, trees and feel like everything is alright in the universe, I walk thru rain, no problem. Warm and wet.

Coral way has these huge trees down the middle. Like these onces here, very large. But imagine it June and HOT and it just rained
and there is a cloudy rainy sky. I do not feel hot anymore. I feel normal.

I do not know what to say now. Maybe I make some food. I want to make a persimmon salsa.

I walk home, and I love. I love greatly and powerfully. Everything is great and beautiful. I work so hard and want to work more.
 If I could work longer, I would.

I miss my jogging partner. I do. I miss my sister. We im each other all day. I love her. I see me in side of her, we are the same.
She is me and I am her. Same blood. DIfferent experiences. Different futures.

I feel so powerful. I feel beauty. I walk home and I feel love. I do, I feel love.
I want to be a heroic being. I want to love for who he is and isn't, forever. That is so powerful.

I want to be great. I want to exist in a world where I can transform it.

I can't tell you how good it feels to have love pulsing through me. To feel it in my breath and heart. To feel just passion that sits and stirs and rolls. I am just walking home. Flowers and trees look regal. Palm trees I see as majestic beings. People are emotions, you can see what they are feeling. You can look at them and shift how they feel by a smile, a real one.

I wore a beautiful brown dress tonight. At work I put on a polo blue blazer with crest on pocket. I have high high heels, because this is Miami. Things are different here.

I made this, chopped cucumbers, tomatoes, avocado and some mango with lemon juice/himalayan salt






JUNE 7

I think as people we want to dull our senses. We do it with food. I sometimes feel that is why I crave salsas, cucumber wrapped avocado rolls. Rather than just appreciate mono fruit, on its own. I feel scared of my energy, at times, and want to fill up this vast hole inside, because I am not sure I want to experience my karma full blast. The littlest thing I do, will come back to me. I have choices in every minute. That is why I must do the heroic thing, in every choice. I must work hard and do excellent work, learn everyday and push myself to master and accomplish.

I am getting better at better choices everyday. I see how I live now, and know something is right.

It's in moments, I feel euphoric. It was this afternoon when I walked home for my break. When I walked home later at the end of my work day, no, I was not euphoric, but then as I was thinking bout something so great, a total breakthru, I felt euphoric again, briefly. I remembered being under a tree and I saw, up close, it's leaves and flowers, the sun was shining underneath it, and I felt it. Man, when it is good, it is good.

As if life is still. Life becomes empty and meaningless, in a good way. I can be one with the present and have nothing in the space, except for the possibility of love, I create.

This love is something you, reading this, can have access to, feel and attain. "Man as a heroic being", try that on.

At work I squeeze nurse's shoulders and volunteer backrubs when noone is looking. I choose to do the work they all hate to do. I want to be productive. It is fun, playing, " Business" I redid all their forms, using templates from Microsoft Office. com. I did any thing nasty, like signs or announcements and redid it. I am so good at it. I love WORD. I even put some nurse clip art, borders and shadows.

The Doctor spoke to me today. Awesome. He asked " How do you like it?", meaning my job, I said, " I love it".

He has Cat eyes. He said I am doing very well. He then looked at paperwork while 5 techs/nurses were trying to talk to him.

Breakfast

FS Orange juice

Smoothie of Sharon fruit/Persimmon, Avocado and dates

Lunch

Half Cantaloupe

Dinner

Tomatoes and Cukes in Avocado lemon cream

I feel energy beaming from my cheeks when I walk down Miracle Mile. Like that suntan feeling, yet no sun or tan. The domes of Business buildings towering next to the setting sun. Coral Gables is the part of my brain, that feels right. I notice the difference, one street away
 from it.

My project is so awesome. I walked home barefoot , I really did. It feels so nice to the touch, everything. Eating all fruit puts me out there in the world, rather than inside, trying to heal broken stuff. In moments, it makes life the garden of Eden and every room a sanctuary.

I am so beautiful.

When I am in love with someone, ALL of that love..it's just me. When I realized this, I saw how I put things in the space between us, but it is just me. All that I feel, it is just ME. Only out of "meaningless and empty", can I truly look into his eyes and see , his love for me. His love that makes him happy to give. Just like my love fills every need for me. I can inspire the love I have, in others. Everybody wants to feel it. I can inspire what I feel, like it is contagious.

Everything going on in life, it's just me, all worries and fears, are "what I am attracting, what I want" I am like HEY I don't want this bad stuff, why am I calling it! I say that to myself, if I worry at all, about anything, it's like a desire for this worry, to manifest, It's idiotic, right, but I used to do it all the time. Worrying about something happening, is you, having a desire for that, to happen. The universe thinks you want it and gives it to you.

Today walking home, I was being what I wanted. It is powerful. I can feel every nuance of power inside me.


"Nothing is true", it's all energy inside you attracting the like. Me and Mbh saw once on tv...you know how crazy people say bugs are on their skin? Well, this was on the news. They found a lady, who really had bugs coming out of her skin. Noone could explain it. Channel 7 local news. She complains about it for years, like insane, and they found bugs really coming out of her skin. Considered impossible.

That was a bad example, my point is, life is, just as you say it is.

In the beginning there was the word.

Helen Keller: before THE WORD was just a mass of meat and flesh, then the word, water,  came and her first spark of anything, she recollects. Of anything.

I watched Dr. Phil this morning while getting ready for work. This lady was spewing curses upon herself and her life. She said her marriage was evil. I got afraid for her. He husband was, a total idiot, I won't get into it and both of them, were in hell.

Did you know that hell is here on earth? and so is heaven. You create it now. By choices. by language. People think when you die , you see it. But you don't see anything when you die , because you are dead. I think people want to put it off until heaven, because they cannot take responsibilty for their lives sucking.

I took responsibilty. It was hard at first, because I had to face my demons as my own creations, my own cowardliness. I saw the evil, and the bad choices, and the consequences. I saw what it cost me to give up responsibilty. I did, and I felt what it feels like to be horrified.Then I started fixing it. It's awesome. Now I can be 100% responsible for the good things that will come. Good things are only natural and created. It is the natural way of things, to be happy.

Now I want to create the possibilty of love, inspiration and happiness. At work, I want to create the possibilty of acceptance.( not just for me, but for anybody, for everyone)

This is for real. I really do this.

I am going to let others be free to feel the wonderful thin

I can have it all, I will, have it all. I have it all. My life is so amazing right now.

Everything is work. Work is paradise. Productivity is heroism.


LISTEN TO THIS

RADIO SHOW FOR YOU TO LISTEN TO BEFORE BED ( I am insanely obsessed with Ayn Rand's philosophy)

http://www.onpointradio.org/shows/2005/02/20050201_a_main.asp


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At work I created the possibilty of acceptance. In my past there have always been times when I felt excluded, an outsider weird, bad dressed, too well dressed etc..
so I created that possibilty of acceptance, but its funny. It's not that I walk around hoping and acting people accept me. How I do this is I go around and ACCEPT others for who they are. I create the possibilty, of acceptance, so others can share in it. Because chances are, how I feel about others , is how they feel about me, or around me. I work in a place that all speaks spanish. I work in a place where I am the new girl. I can't tell you how good it feels to walk around giving that possibilty to others. That I accept them, That I feel that. And it turns out, I feel accepted as well. Everytime I get an inkling of anything, I remember what I created and I create it anew, over and over again.