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6/8 - 6/15
Today I ate:
Watermelon juice. I blended half a watermelon with some ice cubes. Felt really goo at work. When I drink banana or avocado and date smoothies in the morning, I notice, you know that time of the day when you need a face wash and maybe a shower? Well that comes faster when I eat smoothies for breakfast. I felt really fresh all day. Must be working on watermelon juice which is so clean
Orange juice and raw Tomato salsa lunch. I do not like tomato salsa. I do not know why I eat it. I am going to stop.
Cucumbers and Tomatoes in Avo & Lemon cream. Yummy.
I weighed myself at the supermarket. 115 lbs. the same weight when I was a raw foodist. It's those avocados that keep the weight on. One of these days I will be a sweet fruit fruitarian like alot of my pen pals. They say avocados ruin their high. I know what the fruit high is, it is the feeling of love and everything in the universe being ok. All I know is I want more love in my life. But I like feeling full too.
I blushed, I got honey Pineapples for later. They smell nice. I will chop them up at mommy's, tonight.
It is the weekend, I am packing up and going to mom's. Movies, food and bed. Clean house. Nephew time for me. being an aunt is such an awesome feeling. The best. I am a real aunt and I am going to take responsibility for that.
I am doing marketing at work. I am so happy to be given that opportunity. They see how amazing I am with computers and English language. I got approached today and asked if I would do it. My eyes lit up! Of course I could ! I am awesome and I love working. I like going beyond and learning. I am doing projects like getting more clinics and centers to give us referrals and thank you letters for existing businesses we have working with us, creating questionnaires to see how we can do a better job. This is exciting for me and super challenging. You forget, I do not have any Medical background. I love it. I am such a fast learner and I will do the best job. I will surprise myself.
I learn that at school. Sometimes the homework we get, I am like OHHH MYYY but if I keep at it, winging it half the time, pushing, pushing, patience.. I learn and you know what, it all falls into place. THAT IS THE MEANING OF HAPPINESS IN LIFE, mastering what we do not know and doing a good job. Pride. When things are easy, its boring.
I offered to come in tomorrow and work on old stuff, but they have only one patient for Saturday. So for one hour it is a waste for me to come all the way, but I might.
Today I found out I made a mistake, but it was something I did not know, at all. I guess in the Medical world there are a bunch of well, made up new words that mean normal things. Instead of URGENT LIFE Depending EMERGENCY, they write "STAT". How was I supposed to know what STAT meant. I saw it stamped on something, I didn't know. I found out later it means drop everything, call Doctor, Techs and get to it now...but now I know. I set the paper aside! It was unattended to for hours and hours. I guess it was a big emergency and the doctor had to come in at 9 pm from home, at night, with very upset people. I apologized today. Noone was mad at me. My manager got it a little.
She has blonde hair and her roots are showing now. I see time has gone by. For me, weeks and months go by so fast. I can't believe how fast things are. I enjoy every minute. I go by child's time. I may never remember these days , thank god I have my diary. Time stops when beautiful man talks to me for a second. Then I sit back and have to breathe. I remember those moments for ever. I remember every nuance and look.
That is the exciting thing about stepping outside yourself. Seeing the magic you feel, in someone else's experience of you. I create it. I create a world where I can love, just like that, with not a single thing to stop me. Not even thoughts. Just love for what is, and what is not. I mean, it's like someone is a garbage can for all my love energy. I am just giving, but the joy of love is the giving. And there is so much, and it could be a tiny flame that grows. But it is all me, and me alone... and it brings me to heaven, to ecstasy. I can allow someone else to have the same experience as I. Pure love , heaven and joy.
I noticed today hospitals and clinics call cancer, "CA". They never write Cancer.
June 9
I spent the day with a baby. It was so awesome. I have as much energy as a toddler, maybe more, I did not need a nap. I babysat for about 6 hours, alone, at my mothers brand new house. We played catch the lemon, tennis racket fencing and ball kicking.
He was a lot of work. Always kissing, moving, staring with big eyes into me, and smiling and screaming for happiness.
We watched my brother's Simpson's Cd.
I loved " Lisa the Vegetarian" episode. I watched the commentary on it. It was one of both of the creator's favorite all time episodes. It made countless people vegetarian, and also won two really great awards. Also, Paul Mc Cartney accepted to have his voice in it, but only if Lisa Simpson were to stay vegetarian forever. In tv land, permanent things like that are a big deal. But the makers have been after Paul for years so they agreed. Not only that, but at the end, during credits, Beatles's history, Paul sang a Beatle's song with his recipe for lentil soup in it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ua129pv-eKE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1b1CnyARgTw
My nephew knows, in the intro , when Homer says "DOH!" and always says it. He is a smart toddler. He knows many words. He points to a bird in his book and says, " BIRD". I loved spending time with him. I can't believe I read Winnie the Pooh book. I used to read Winnie when I was little.
I changed his diaper. I was surprised how much poop there was. He was very nice to me. 100% attention, he needed, all the time. Whatever he wanted to do, I let him do. We played and sat on the bed and watched The Simpson's. He gave me lots of kisses. He ran and caught a lemon and threw it to me and we played like that for a long time. Outside we sat in the grass and he played with the water faucet. He would put water in his hands and then run to me and put it on my legs or face, and run back to get some more.
I have two reports I have to type right now for school. I chose never before heard of Modern Contemporary Artists to do a report on. I am drinking watermelon juice. I am tired. I should take a nap and wake up at 1 am and do them.
I spent time with my brother who said he missed MBH. That he never forgot when he went to court once. As a favor to me, MBh , being a lawyer, showed up at his trial, and when the Judge saw that he was with my brother, dropped the case immediately. I was a little shocked. I could hear it.
On the way home by mom showed me her condo. It is top floor and gorgeous. It is huge and has all these windows overlooking Miami. Everything is so beautiful. It is so divine. It is very large, free internet and all this cool stuff and very secure. Brand new, she bought it pre construction, for 350,000 and now it is more than doubled in price. Looks out into Dadeland Mall in Miami. She wants to rent it for 3 grand a month. My friend J, the realtor has 2 people looking to rent there.
Also, she has been after this millionaire who lives under a bridge. Who owns all these lots. He chooses to be a bum, chooses to be a street bum.. Anyways, finally, I guess he has to get his leg amputated, needs surgery, so he agreed to sell, out of the blue, after years of my mom pestering him and tracking him down...and my mom has one buyer already for over a million dollars and she gets a big percent for selling it. She met him today and he signed all the papers she needed.
My sister agreed to take the Landmark forum as well. I am on my way to having my family of my dreams. My sister told my mom she was so happy to talk to me, she thought we would fight. When I heard that I was really shocked. That is after all, all in my sister's head.
While I babysat today, my brother and his girl went to Miami beach all day.
SUNDAY JUNE 10, the days they go by, and by.
Today
Fresh squeezed OJ
Cucumbers and tomatoes in avocado-lemon cream
Grapes and Lychees
At the supermarket I get intimidated by the cashiers who tell me I am " fucking crazy" for buying a mamey that costs 7 dollars. For fruit. I say, " Ok you are right", they put it back. And now I wish I had that fresh ripe mamey to make a smoothie with.
Quotes from Ayn Rand
Guilt is a rope that wears thin.
Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values.
Learn to value yourself, which means: to fight for your happiness.
, Anthem, 1946
, Atlas Shrugged
, Atlas Shrugged
Rationality is the recognition of the fact that nothing can alter the truth and nothing can take precedence over that act of perceiving it. (she is talking about reason-Suvine)
, Atlas Shrugged
, Atlas Shrugged
, Atlas Shrugged
, Atlas Shrugged, 1957
the evil of the world is made possible by nothing but the sanction you give it.
, Atlas Shrugged, 1957
, Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal, 1966
The Argument from Intimidation is a confession of intellectual impotence.
, The Virtue of Selfishness, 1964
-
I got a new bike and it is so much better than my old one. Not only that but the people selling it are leaving their kick ass apartment, for rent. It has a front room, all made of glass walls to see out into the street, like a little house. They have their own hallways and wood floors, washer dryer, kitchen and their own backyard, on the other side of the Gables, for the same price as mine. I got the lady's number.
My bike is so cool , it is like sitting on a couch, it is so smooth. I got an easy lock to. I am happy. I am. I ride and it goes so fast for little effort. Fat tires. I got it from Craigslist. 50$
I am downloading Ayn Rand's "Virtue of Selfishness" for my IPOD. She is the noblest thinker with the highest ideas.
Yet, I do have some worries about her philosophy. She says big business is all that, not evil but proof of men's talent, brains and hard work. When man loses integrity his business falls apart...or he does. We need to use our brains. I know, but I want that to also mean that there will always be the business, of organic farming, the whole and complete kind. I mean, all the good things we enjoy, are designed by geniuses, industrialists, true. We need some pioneers in that field, for sure.
Always. Good. I may have to work harder and earn more to buy organic always, but that is the purpose of life, to get what we want by earning it. Deserving it.
It is not right to pander to men's bad diets, and real food experiments, but people do, but there is a price nature makes you pay for that. Hospitals, irradiation, and almost certain and inevitable disease comes along with processed food. How can you feel truly heroic if your business is of selling man garbage, having greed that never fulfills, and knowing that you are kind of pulling one over everyone's head? How can you be satisfied inside?
I want to support organic. I want to support real food. Nature's food. Although when I crave cherries, I choose any kind of cherries. Plus I don't like how they refrigerate organic Avocados, they are so hard and brown inside. I stay away from Papayas, unless organic. I am scared of them, I know they are GMO and have different codes than the other produce. Only organic and local, and that is rare, to see someone at the side of the road, in the country, being I do not drive.
I am listening to all the cds in my closet, old ones mostly. Now it's MORPHINE, that is on. Reminds me of Boston. I saw them in Concert once. I remember it vividly. It was on Central Avenue , outside this place called THE MIDDLE EAST. It was so cool. I was happy.
The lead singer died, on stage, during a song, from a heart attack, in Rome. What a way to go.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=985JGeGq_tc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hrx4EnkVj50
They named a square after him in Boston. He was very loved.
/
Nothing happens by accident in the world.
There is always a reason for what happens,
good or bad, and that reason is you.
I spent all day on the internet learning marketing tips and seeing sample letters to do my questionnaire for work.
Mbh wrote me, he was in my airspace. About some email he got for me. Sigh. I wish he could be happy doing what he should be doing, that his heart calls him to do. We have grown so apart in such a short amount of time, I could see him in public and not even notice him. I barely think of him, I have so much going on, I accept his choice to finish our friendship. I can see where I admired him, and where I no longer do. Thoughts of him, are like tears and screams in foreign countries. I have written so much about him over such a long period of time. He is me, a part of me. I am proud of the time I spent with him.
It reminds me, I had a best friend once. We got in a fight and it was so stupid, anyways the years went by, and I think I was waiting for her to do something, and maybe she was still mad, who knows. Years went by, nothing..But one day I learned that she died. I broke down. There was so much unfinished business. I cried, I told her I was so sorry, Sorry for all the mean things I did. I told her I wished we would have made up and forgiven each other. It is really important to clean up stuff. Like telling your grandparents how much you really love them, before they actually die.
I love Mbh so much. I am sorry for everything I did. I wish he would forgive me.
/
There is a new door, a new door, yet it is the same as all the other doors, just a different version of Change. A different version of BETTER. When it's all the same.
I know that my dreams, things that lead me somewhere I want to be, are actually TRYING TO MAKE THINGS BETTER dreams, but by doing that I bring the past along with it, because what am i trying to be better from?
I need to know that there there was nothing wrong in the first place. There is nothing wrong with me.
There is nothing wrong here. I do not need to change. But I know I am inspired to be better. I am inspired to live by my dreams of being good and doing the right thing. I need philosophy. I need to create my own. I want to be better, because I do not want what I have gotten.
My friend E does not want to be a Lawyer anymore. He wants to go back to school, do something different, and move to Barcelona. So you see, this is what we all do. The outcome is always the same. That is why I love Landmark so much, you actually create things your past says is impossible. I invent myself and its unreal how pleasurable it feels to be that in real life. I know how to do it. Possibilities are endless. I have to be inside mine to make things happen. Always. I want to be the possibility of happiness.
Anyways, I spent all day doing stuff online and learning to type. Listening to music, eating grapes, and lychees. I went to Fed ex on my new bike. I go to get orange juice, at Jamba Juice, out of habit and I walked in thinking, " Do I really want some?". I stood there and some girl said, " because I like you" to me, I had no idea what that meant, but later found out they were closed and she opened the door for me, to let me in. She is fake blond and they are all very young and listen to cool music I like.
I eat a lot. When I say I drank a smoothie that usually means vitamix full. I am drinking one, Haas avocado, 6 fresh large medjool dates and blueberries. Two large glasses. I eat a lot.
I am an intellectual. I was thinking, I do all this stuff they teach in college, but I do it for free. I read books, watch tv, etc because I am looking for direction in HOW TO LIVE and HOW TO BE and WHAT TO DO. I read philosophy so I can learn what to do and how to be. People pay 2 grand at colleges, to learn what I do in my spare time. I love Ayn Rand. I do. I would like to create my own philosophy, I follow myself. I see it as something as attainment of the best in every choice. Can man live that way?
I like Ayn Rand but I know reason, as an absolute excludes feelings, labeling them as mysticism, "witch doctor" stuff, stuff of the dark ages, yet she also states that man's happiness is his only goal, or should be. Happiness meaning guilt free living by one's values and accomplishment of goals. Not by simple brainless pleasures.
I don't think she was a fruitarian. I mean, I have such a vast space for feeling inside me. Feeling is how I judge something is right. Maybe that is why fruitarians aren't famous for being productive. I want to change that. Fruitarians are famous for lying on the beach all day. Except Steve Jobs. ( in the 70's he was fruitarian) but mostly fruitarians just want to be cool and eat fruit and get high off it. They grow beards and look like adult 9 year olds. They have something, they really do. especially those mono sweet fruit fruitarians, I love them so much. There is something in it. There is some euphoric state of mind, some godly mystic commune with god type thing.
I am listening to Interpol. They are so awesome. Old stuff. I love it, reminds me of teenage years I miss so much.
I don't know why music stirs in me. I love sad music, it brings me to the present.
I was this alone before. I was. I was alone for five months once. I drew a lot of pictures and copied out French textbooks. I woke up at 5 pm and slept when the first buses started running. I am not that bad now, lol..it was awesome, time for reflection. I had friends and was popular, threw get togethers, bands played at my house, etc..but I felt alone. I need a new project now. One to really lift me out of myself and into the best ideas I can create myself.
Ways of being, how to be, man's noblest goals and ways to be. I would like to be the highest I can be. I want my thoughts to be on, the ways of being, that are the highest. That includes feelings of happiness.
I see myself as doing the right thing, so I can escape suffering. I believe in it. I believe in hard work. I believe in following my inner self, and listening to my intuition and always doing what feels right and stop what feels wrong. I matter. I do.
6/11
I have not looked upon beauty in a long time. Alive beating beauty. My friend J the Realtor, is so beautiful. I just stared at him for a long time. He actually looks good from the side as well. He radiates energy, is very tall and has nice arms. He is going to Honduras to go see a boy that he sponsors. That is so cool. He is gonna get someone to rent my mom's awesome Condo. He got his brothers to do the fruitarian thing as well as him. I am amazed. I have touched him, somehow. We talk about inspiration. He dropped me off at home.
I realized tonight, I walk around with a lot of sadness for MBH, the separation of a great lifetime friend, but its just that, that keeps me inside it, away from living a life where I am just overcome with joy. But the sadness, it's a reflection of my own guilt, my own punishment. I never want to deserve the way I see myself like that again. You see, we punish ourselves so very harshly. We don't even know we do it. We send it outwards like its his fault or its his ignoring me that hurts me, when it's my own conscience playing devilish tricks. I want him to see me as great.
Someone said to me, that I seemed withdrawn, tonight. I wanted to cry
Bfast was Smoothie of Cherries and Dates, Orange juice
Lunch was Orange juice ( I got for free by the Jamba juice girls)
Dinner is Oranges and avocado, date and cherry smoothie
I am happy girl, mostly. I smile alot and am loving. I want to master life. I want to . I want to stand on my own two feet.
I play, like I have things together, when I am missing something. I am waiting for it to come back. I am. It's self respect and dignity, and PRIDE.
I call that to me.
June 12
I invited my dad to come this weekend and stay with me. I hope he accepts so bad. It would be so nice. Wouldn't it?
I am eating grapes. For lunch I had tomato salsa and OJ. For breakfast I had Orange juice and an Avocado and Date smoothie. Dinner FRUIT salad.
I thought all day how I want to create a philosophy for me, a way of being. I thought of VALUES. I never knew VALUES meant, " Things, we as people, VALUE"
We can define our values, or what we value and who reflects that..So, we define them, and then WE LIVE BY THEM.
I value love, even though it doesn't mean much. I mean, what worth is someone's love for you, except that which you deserve? It hit me, when I thought of how undeserving of love I have been all my life. I mean really, ALL my life. I always thought love is free, like favors given out. No wonder I just longed for it, if it happened, it was not because of me, but by fate. I felt I deserved love for just being human, and where is it?
When I was a baby I was loved for nothing I did except for what I gave to my parents, Hope, beauty, innocence. As an adult, the rules are different. Someone has to value us, therefore, we have to have value.
Things have to be important. Things have to be worth something.
I think of MBh and I think, wow. I have not worked on earning his love , I just expected it. If I didn't get it, he was a bad boyfriend, or his fault or he is just bad. Isn't that strange ? Love is something you really earn.
I see love as an outlet for energy. Like people are garbage cans for your energy. You value them for...
X. I love people for their worth. I am never selling out again. I am going to love who I love.
What is love? Another definition, I have heard, is that it is acceptance for who we are and aren't.
I still can't figure out if it was all just attraction, between me and him. But I know I am attracted to him. I don't think I love him anymore. I mean I say it. Maybe I mean it in the old way. I would say, I see his value to my life as a friend. But not really right now. So I don't know. But I do know.
But I like it the way it is. I do.
Now between me and him, I want it to be forgiveness, honesty and then I can get some peace. I have been a corpse zombie in purgatory, and I need release. I want to say all I have to say, and feel acceptance. I guess, it's all in my head, and I will get it, when I deserve it. It does not rely on him, but my actions.
There is so much going on with me. SO much. I am who I am and everyone is who they are.
Today I GOT that the world, wherever I am, is filled with things I can do. In every place I am in, I can make a difference. I rode an elevator and I looked at the terrified people facing me, all looking away, lost in own leave me alone thoughts, sweating, at the thought of me looking at their faces.
I mean, there is work to be done, lives to be change, fears to overcome, goals to make. In every room, in every setting, even in dreams we work on ourselves. WORK WORK WORK.
A long time ago, I used to fear the world, and hide from my responsibility and work, duty to make the world how I wanted it. The world was bad, outside of my power.
Today I got a fruit salad, the two kids at the counter were drooling at me. They wound up giving me 4 times the amount of fruit salad I wanted, packing it all in the largest size, when I asked them for the small 5 dollar size. They also gave me free tomatoes. For free, all of it. They were so so small and zitty and had really big eyes that were so sweet. Like children growing.
Yesterday I got a free Jamba Juice OJ, this time it was the girls. In front of everyone waiting in line, they gave it to me free, and said see ya later. Well, I do come in a lot and talk about nothing.
Ok so what are my values? ( What do I value?
- Love
- Beauty
- The best in everything
- The best choices
- the right thing to do
- self respect
- self preservation
- selfishness, the virtue of
- the possibilities
- the possibilities of love
- working hard
- doing the best job
- doing what I don't know how to do
- learning everyday
- creating impossible goals and attaining them
- friendship
- powerful men and women
Transparency exercise. It looks like it's transparent and meshed together, when it is just optical illusion, color.
I got my camera shipped off to get fixed. I was gonna buy a Nikon d200 body, but I chickened out. It's too professional for me. I need to know how to use it. I get my baby back in 6 weeks. I can't wait for my buddy.
Magic
My dad is coming this weekend. I invited him, to pay for his ticket and he can stay with me, he beat me to it, bought a ticket and is coming down. I cannot believe it, magic is finally happening. I want to take full responsibility for having the perfect family. I do. EVERYTHING THAT WENT WRONG WAS MY FAULT, I want to take that on, because then I actually have power to make it the way I want. I am so happy!! We are going to have a real love in. I love my family, I want to have a dad I am in love with and a brother I am proud of.
Oh, I am so happy, I am beaming with happiness.
Noella, the "Oracle", called me. I called her back. I wanna be phone friends with her, that's it, I have adopted her. She is my Landmark SELP ( Self Expression Course) coach. She made me scream in the room 8 or 9 times the other day. I couldn't break thru, I could not do it. She wanted me to scream my possibility. She told me to practice. I screamed, but more like yelled. I am blocked, fear... Fear is the only access I have to courage so I was happy. Ok I know that sounds weird & cultish, but it was just to get me out of my funk, I was withdrawn one day. It's not what they do in Landmark or anything. Maybe they did in EST training.
(Unlike any other thing on the planet. Take the landmark forum. It is a ride in outer space. You have never been, to where they take you in the forum. It's like all the weird philosophers in three days and they show you the meaning of life for real. Empty and meaning less, and we are meaning making machines, and we create thru language, and we have an act, that we can't let go of)
THE ACT.
I saw my coworkers act, 10 times today. She lit up when she told me her dream of becoming an actress. She was a child model and star. I saw real possibility. I saw it. Then she said, " I am too old, " " I am too this", " I am too that", " I have a kid, I wanna do what is best for him"...that is the act. I saw her face change, she was resigned. Hopeless. Instantly. What we all do, over and over.
I said to her, Inside of that , "THAT, I CAN'T", nothing is possible. Excuses cannot be a part of your language. They stop you everywhere. I told her, that when she was a child and perfectly ripe for acting, she still had the excuses. She did. She agreed, it has always been there, keeping her from living a life she loves.
She later said, " I wanna be a nurse" but I heard and saw she was not that excited about that, as acting. She was maybe seeking something lesser, something "doable" Something she knows. I told her that she sounds more excited about acting. Then she gave more excuses about making her kids lives better. I said," it would make your kids life better if you were happy and not selling out for them, imagine their lives inside of your happiness and joy, doing what excites you, the inspiration and what it would do for their future".
My mom's thing is money. " I don't have enough"." Too expensive" . I said, " MOM, that stops you every where, in every area...of your life", It is true She never has enough for anything, no matter how rich she is. Anything and everything. Inside that ACT, you cannot do anything. But what does it cost you to stay inside the act, a wasted life!
My act is, weird kind of, " I don't like you, leave me alone" type of neurosis. I never have been good enough, and I showed up that way. I have given up before so easily, but now that is done with.
Now, I can choose. I can be the possibility I create, or my act. I see my goal,now, I touch it, I know not how, but I know I will win. I cannot let my brain give up. That is where all your power is. The brain, and language. I do and learn, what I don't know, simply out of winning the game. Winning it and literally being a good person all the time.
I am learning and seeing my act every day and catching it. It's awesome to work outside of it. Everything is possible.
I told my brother my dad was coming. He said it was the best thing I have ever done for him. Like I did anything? Maybe I did. He said I am the most awesome sister. I told him we are going to have the best Father's day ever. Life changing and transforming.
I cannot believe my camera is in the shop, still, when my dad will be here. What do I get him? I have gotten him Nature's First Law stuff every year. LOL. He likes it. My dad is so cool. I never knew the value of good lawyers, and I appreciate that he is a good one. I had no idea how rampant and common, lawyers with no scruples, are.
Oh a cop followed me on bike. I had no idea you were supposed to wait until the after the cars turn, after lights go green in other direction. He then asked me where was from, if I like Miami, how long have I been here, my name.. and totally flirting. I was nervous and a little cold.
To eat
Bfast: Orange juice, dates
Lunch: Guacamole and tomato salsa
Dinner: Tomatoes and cucumbers in avocado cream and OJ
Late dinner smoothie with "Long Stem " Strawberries and bananas
Ok I am done with being excited about my life.
If I could talk and have my voice recorded, like a Vlog, that would be cooler huh? Typing is a thing for me, like driving. I need to do it the right way, but it is challenging getting the letters right without looking and trying to express myself at the same time. Plus editing . I have homework and a real busy and fun life. Me with a video camera could be dangerous. My favorite book when I was a little girl, " Harriet the Spy". I could see that. I would have to have a different name in real life, to hide my spying on people, except I do wanna be famous.
This morning I went jogging. I rubbed my sweaty eyes after fidgeting with some leaves, while running. I had hives all over my eyes. I drank water and it went away. I live 5 blocks away from the bottom of the golf course . It took me 15 minutes exactly to get to the Country Club, where me and K usually park our bikes. I jogged alone, like a turtle. I jogged around it, saw such nice landscaping. I woke up at 6 am. I am too tired to do my homework. I will wake up early and do it. Blogging is a real job. I love it.
Saw the sky turn black today.
July 14
You really know everything, when you know NOTHING.
I have so many things to write and say, but tonight, schoolwork precedence took over bogging. Now I lay here tired, my head filled with ideas.
I want my purpose in life to be creating a new philosophy I can follow. Also eating and being the best.
My dad is coming. I miss him so , I love him very very much. He sent me some pictures. he is on his way here, by train with his car. Here are some photos
http://render2.snapfish.com/render2/is=Yup6aQQ%7C%3Dup6RKKt%3AxxrKUp7BHD7Kofrj%3DQofrj7t%3DzrRfDUX%3AeQaQxg%3Dr%3F87KR6xqpxQQnoxP0axl0Pxv8uOc5xQQQ0eonnQGeoQqpfVtB%3F*KUp7BHSHqqy7XH6gXPeQ%7CRup6lQQ%7C/of=50,590,442
http://render2.snapfish.com/render2/is=Yup6aQQ%7C%3Dup6RKKt%3AxxrKUp7BHD7Kofrj%3DQofrj7t%3DzrRfDUX%3AeQaQxg%3Dr%3F87KR6xqpxQQnoxP0axl0Pxv8uOc5xQQQ0eonnQGe0nqpfVtB%3F*KUp7BHSHqqy7XH6gXPla%7CRup6G00%7C/of=50,590,393
Eating healthy
http://render2.snapfish.com/render2/is=Yup6aQQ%7C%3Dup6RKKt%3AxxrKUp7BHD7Kofrj%3DQofrj7t%3DzrRfDUX%3AeQaQxg%3Dr%3F87KR6xqpxQQnoxP0axl0Pxv8uOc5xQQQ0e0QJeoP0oqpfVtB%3F*KUp7BHSHqqy7XH6gXPeQ%7CRup6G00%7C/of=50,590,393
http://render2.snapfish.com/render2/is=Yup6aQQ%7C%3Dup6RKKt%3AxxrKUp7BHD7Kofrj%3DQofrj7t%3DzrRfDUX%3AeQaQxg%3Dr%3F87KR6xqpxQQnoxP0axl0Pxv8uOc5xQQQ0e0QJeoPJQqpfVtB%3F*KUp7BHSHqqy7XH6gXPeQ%7CRup6lQQ%7C/of=50,590,442
I learned alot tonight. I did. I just wrote a huge paragraph about it and accidentally deleted it. See, I am tired. Til the morning.
I asked MBh what he thinks about me. He won't tell me. ( and THIS is what he thinks about me). He says I will misinterpret, forward his emails to other guys, betray him. He was cold and mean. Wow. That is how he thinks of me. I inspire fear in him. It was amazing. I thought I was a delight. But I am glad to know, because I see where I have been a monster. I see that I have inspired this awful thing, I have done this.
I have the power to not be that way anymore, to anyone. for real. After seeing this, oh it was really bad, I cried hysterically for hours, hours!!! Listening to Interpol and blowing my nose on my nightgown.
It was really powerful to me, because I see this is what I have created.
We as people, have no idea, how others see us, we need to ask, and learn the truth about how the world listens to us. How we have shown up for people.
He is not the only one who has said this. My brother told me my mom was scared of me, once, because of how cold I can be. I know a few people who won't speak to me.
When am I going to be responsible? Now. I am taking 100% responsibilty for how others see me and interpret me. That's alot, but the secret is, that this is really wonderful. I can be in control of my life and relationships, and literally create and be, how I want others to see and feel for me.
I am also 100% responsible, for good and bad in my life.
As well as around me, with my friends and family, I love, with all their good and bads as well. I am taking it all on. I see so many questions answered, inside of that.
I do. I see the millions of times I have failed people, when thinking of other's misfortunes around me. I can see the "I", in the world's good and bad.
Have we ever made it a goal to inspire, things like love, happiness in others? Or have we just expected it for free, and punished when we didn't get it? Take that on tonight, while I sleep, and dream.
I am happy. I am. I do not need a man. I need philosophy. I need to create my own. All I need is my purpose, to create the highest way of being and eating, to promote life.
/
This Father's day will be the best ever. I love him so much. It will be magic.
My professor wants me to hang with him too this weekend. He gave me his address. He is hiding something. I know it. There is something there. He is short and sweet, all the time. Emails are curt, here I am talking about deep deep stuff like philosophy and our inner worlds. Phone calls are impossible. How do I know he will be like that when we are hanging out? I wrote in my calendar we will have really great ideas to talk about. Just guarapo I will get, and he wants to go get sushi on Lincoln Road. I will just have avocados and cucumbers. I have no time to hang with him really, but it will be nice to see him for a short while. ( My dad is coming. I need to redecorate my house and move all the stuff in the living room. )
I plan for a real sweet evening on magical Lincoln Road, with my professor, who can teach me stuff. LRoad, which is the nicest street on Miami Beach... I can practice what I want others to see me as, or what I want to inspire in others, or what I want to create in other's eyes and seeing of me, or earning what I want, respect and beauty. Earning greatness by inspiring it.
I felt weird seeing, yesterday, that he gave me an excellent, excellent grade, so far. My average is like -. It's not how I want things, I want to earn good grades based on brains. I have had waaaaaay to many late assignments to deserve that. I learned alot in his class. I did. My favorite thing I learned is the Triad or split complementary. It's my favorite color combination. You take an additive and subtractive color wheel, you start with a color and then split in three, instead of ending across at complementary, and the colors just are magic together, in that combination. Good for eye catching. It is not good grades I want, from him, just acceptance, and words, of comfort. He wrote me such long emails before, about his life. I love to hear about suff like that.
I want to create my philosophy. I am going to be a philosopher. Of my own, ideal man and woman. how we should be, how I should be. What the purpose of my life is, what my goal is.
My philosophy, I have to research ideas, will be something like following the best. not just stupid mindless best, but the real best in you. Creating values, discovering them, and living by them, giving your word and obeying it as "you". Your language as yourself. Also, cleaning up when I can't be true to my promises.
This Saturday I will have my hair done and it will be so beautiful, I will be so happy with it. I will drink some coconut mylk and lay out on the beach. I love fresh tans, you look so alive and beaming.
I am going to create magic with my dad this weekend, and the relationship with my brother and him, and my brother and me too, being my brother is now a Father. Should I buy them raw food cake?
My brother's baby will inspire tears in my dad's eyes. Pure beauty, you have never seen a baby so beautiful, smiling so awesome, right at you. Pointing at you and kissing you, like his mom taught him. It will be the first time my dad lays eyes on him, my nephew. My responsibilty, as an aunt. I cry for happiness now.
I just think all of us, should spend the day together, in Miami, maybe the beach or movies. I will interview my dad as well, trust me, on how he sees me, what my weaknesses are, what he would say if I was not around, how others REALLY see me. I am going to take charge of my life. I am not going to be ignorant, as to where I am a total asshole, a real jerk. I want to know. I want to see it. I want to make a commitment to create something totally new. The way I want it.
I long for good consequences and fruits of labor done by using brains. I did so much today at work, I created stuff out of nothing. I wrote/printed out Driving Directions, because people always call for them and it's always a mess with people paging people, who know how to get to there, from anywhere. Noone knows ever. So I solved that problem. I took old forms and made new ones and learned how to master Word form with tables, boxes, and shading. I did all my work and more. I answered phones, which noone upstairs does, really. I took on extra projects. Work is heaven. It really is. I can't think of anything that makes me happier. What really makes me happy, immensely is doing things for the company that I thought of , on my own, and actually having work to show for it, not just ideas, or inspiration, but matter and proof behind the promises.
I wake up everyday, just literally dying to get to work. I love it. Every morning, I get ready and look awesome. I am not frumpy, but very well dressed. Not as showy as the Doctor's wife, but hot. I admire and see her beauty. She wore pink today. She had real natural long black hair, a real catch. But definitely not getting younger. I looked at her butt one day, very flabby and shimmy'ly. Needs to go jogging.
My manager is my friend now. She has beautiful manicured eyebrows and always has a blazer with the name of the company. She wore her blonde hair long and flowing, not in a bun, she looked great. Women looking great, working together. She has a long name that is unique and spanish.
Ket is this other blonde who is cool too. She has the nicest scrubs. She steals my desk all the time, she used to do my work, before I came, and when she does not have any patients, she will come and work at my desk, while I am downstairs or something. A few times I have been deskless. I used to get mad but there is so much to do, everywhere, plus I want to learn everything. I need to learn Marketing too, real fast. I will. It's easy, just read books about it. Knowledge is all words, language.
I checked out all the prices for all the procedures today. At work. wow. Nice business. Expensive.
I read alot of reports, what a new language. I look up stuff on the online medical dictionary. Osteopenia, papillomas..I also read patient's reports, patients who have cysts filled with fluid in their breasts. I look at the id photos and think, to myself.
I see xrays of crooked spines, curved, and I see the anguish, the pain, the poor woman's insides....I and rush to look at the photo id photocopy, and I think to myself, how long does this woman have to live? does she know she is dying? Is life worth living like this?
I see drawings of breasts and see where the doctor made an x to indicate where a tumor is. I read about where it is and how big it is. I see the photo id and I wonder, when this woman felt the lump, and imagined what it must be like to hide this, in everyday life and work. That her breasts are broken.
I see photos of fat faces and I see,with sadness, the beautiful girl this used to be. I see the poor ones with no insurance who pay cash, and look at their lives and reports. Men who faint at work. Recurring UTIS, pre ops, etc. fascinating. Files, folders books of lives, stories.
Rainy season here in Miami. best time to visit. I wish there was a safe hurricane. I loved our tropical storm last week. I love to see coconuts all over the streets. I wsh there was love and laughter. I want to deserve a Cinderella story of my own creation.
6/15/2007
WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!
I am cancelling, seeing my Professor this weekend. It just hit me at work today. It felt really really wrong. I got a physical "NO". All it took was me casually mentioning it, to my manager, " oh, this weekend I have a sort of date, with my professor..: and BOOM. I felt, WRONG. I wanted to take it back. It's intuition. I remember the look in her eyes, of my horror reflected in it.
A long time it took me to understand that it is intuition. At first I thought it was my act, or my fears that stop me everywhere, but no, this is PHYSICAL warning. I now know THIS IS MY INTUITION, I MET IT. It's like a slam , a slap in the face that burns. My heart sank, and I knew, " I did something wrong"
Now I have ignored this before, I have. Like las Vegas.
I did do the best classiest things in Las Vegas, but it was a very dry, empty victory. I went with someone I respect, and kind of am friends with, but there is nothing romantic there. I felt like a sort of skeleton, emotionless, cold. And I knew my friend Loves me, loves me so much, which is a good thing, but I don't feel that towards him. So, if I would do it again, I would not have gone, although I had the greatest experiences. Magical. It was like going alone, wishing you could be with one, who you love.
I thought about it. There is nothing between me and my P, at all, lately. It died. I already have the greatest guys as friends. I already love someone.
At first there was so much between us, long emails, very descriptive..he stole my mind away. I longed to call him, and longed to express what was going on in my world. But then, it stopped. Everything I wanted, the intimacy in words, conversation, he promised me, "When we meet ", and then from then on, he was a closed door. And I was left with spiritual crumbs. I tried to figure him out, but there is nothing there to. I have toplay this game of life by my rules, my values and what is right, ( What FEELS right) and stay away from what is wrong, ( What feels wrong)
What is the source of my NO. I think back. All the times, he stopped telling me things, one line emails, ignoring phone calls. I have this fear, he just wants superficial stuff. He wants to love me, but not for my mind. I love my mind. Fears like that.
I will just go to the beach anyways and suntan and drink coconut mylk.
My manager cried today. Someone robbed the stuff in her car, her makeup bag and everything, last night. I bought her some new makeup, on my break. She cried for joy. I only did this, because I saw a change in her. She was tired, unmotivated, slacking and slow. When you get scammed or robbed, it is the worst thing, because it's a reflection on the world we live in.
Breakfast
Smoothie with avocado, strawberries and dates
Lunch
Tomatoes, cucumbers
Fruit salad of peaches, strawberries, avocado, banana and lemon juice
Orange juice
Dinner
cucumbers and tomatoes in blended avocado lemon sauce
At work something happened. LUNCH WAS CATERED..
Ok, there was CHURASCO which is huge slabs of grilled steak, over a vat of rice and beans and platanos. Vats of chimmichurri and oil and vinegar, Yuca chips, brownies, cookies, sodas, and a big salad with tomatoes, cucumbers, olives, peppers, hot peppers and chickpeas.
I was at my desk, not caring for it, when the Doctor came up to me and told me there was food. I looked at him, and it was a kind gesture. I know latinos get insulted when you reject their food, it's culture, trust me, so I thanked him, got up walked down the hall, while smiling at him, meaning just to LOOK like I am going to eat something. He smiled and left. I made him feel good for being generous.
All the girls were there, in the room, against the table. I saw a salad, in panic and I grabbed a plate, picked some tomatoes out of the salad, and scurried over to the door, like this was first course, and then I would disappear, sneak out soon.
" LOOOK AT HOW SUVINE EATS!", " Have some MEAT!" Somewhere it slipped out I was a vegetarian. A big arrage of noises and words, the attention on me. Then all the girls started talking about how slender I was, how I had nice legs, and that is why. One girl said I have perfect skin.
I stood there looking well fed, full. I wasn't and pulled out my fruit salad from the fridge. I offered some girls some, but they pointed to their brownies, after stuffing themselves with, I do not know how they are going to digest STEAK.
The girls talked, while eating meat, about how healthy vegetarians are, which, TRUST ME GUYS, is a phenomenal sign, I have been accepted. I accept them, therefore I am accepted.
OMG I am not a vegetarian!!! hahaha if only they knew. They will never know. I live on fruit.
I sat around and listened to them gossip about the receptionist downstairs in hushed voices. I always know what is going on.
Later on when people entered a room, " Did you know Suvine is a vegetarian?", it was like big news at work today. One step closer to enlightening the world.
Tonight I am doing my hair brown.
Today I wore Furstenberg dress, high heels, polo blazer, 34c bra and pink panties. I had brown eyebrow powder, mascara, liquid liner and lipstick, liner.
I have to call another coach from Landmark SELP today. Wow they call me all the time, all of them. I need to be more honest with them, they have this technology down to really really transform you. I need to bleed them for coaching on my life. I am always like, " I am..ok, yeah..everything is um, good.."
The receptionist, at work came to the second floor and started yelling. My manager tried to be a manager. I agreed with everything everyone said. She was yelling at my manager, that she needs to answer phones, because she is too busy.
I offered to take some of the responsibilty off her shoulders, but she would have to teach me, how she took this is, " I have no time to run a training school".. I smiled the entire time and agreed with everything. I see how far in she is with her stress. I see the hidden loaves of cuban bread in her desk. I wonder if bread makes you crabby. Anyways, It doesn't matter, I will take on all her work, with a smile, work is work, all work is fun. She was basically telling everyone on the second floor, that she cannot handle any type of work that is not easy. She was announcing, that she CAN"T. She was announcing, that all her brain is capable of is very little. I can do her job and mine and still have time to do everyone elses. LITERALLY.
I am fast and love to do more. I can't believe she let's stress overcome her. It's all an optical illusion. Everyone has all the time in the world to do everything they want.
I wonder what her life is like. I extended my help to her and will make sure I do a way better job, taking on her responsibilties, and training myself.
I made this. I used drop shadow, two layers and gradient fill for circles. I draw freehand with pen and filled with color.
I rearranged my room, put all my stuff like tvs and stereos in the living room so I force myself out there more and rearranged furniture. I am naked now sitting in a chair. I put all my computer stuff on my desk, like a real person, and not on my bed. I had a banana strawberry smoothie.
Tomorrow I should go jogging. I then will go to the beach and lay out in Hot Miami sun, so I get nice and tan and look good. I will be nice tomorrow. I will find energy to love and inspire people in my projects, maybe get help.
On my way to work, I downloaded to my Ipod and listened to, " Capitalism, the Unknown Ideal". by Ayn Rand. It's awesome. I learned so much on what is wrong and right in the world. I listen to myths we all take for granted are true, are not. It's awesome philosophy.
I wrote this for about me section:
My site here is a solution to all my problems including the past. I have heard people say it takes much more than fruitarianism to be a better person. Well, they obviously have not see the roads fruitarianism has led me to. It started with raw veganism. That is only raw vegetables, raw nuts and raw fruits. It is supposed to be like that, but today that includes dehydrated, uncooked but processed, agave, chocolate, nut patties etc. I even trained to be a raw food chef. After my life changing from raw foods, completely, I started to feel not very beautiful again. I had to fast to feel pure and good. I always had digestive problems and was told I had to worry about mixing foods properly. What wild animal worries about that?
Anyways I decided I was going to try for three months only fruit. I remember that was the best time of my life. I felt like when the wind blew, I was a part of nature and my emotions were like a warm hand up and down my body. I could think, fast. Also with that came out a lot of difficult times. You see, being on fruit, gave me better choices, yet, I was still not in tune with my intuition. I did things far better than ever, but I stilll was not sure of wrong from right. For example, I wanted to make money, I made it, but at the cost of dishonesty and pandering unhealthy things. I had no idea why I was not 100% fulfilled in my life. Everything was perfect, except for me. Along the way I would feel so good but then so bad, really bad, like in prison, if I made a bad choice. Fruitarianism, made me feel, more and more, my intuition and what was wrong and right. I started listening, then books, philososphy, the Landmark forum, all came to me, with paths, down roads about myself I did not know, about what I do not know. I am still working out the kinks, but this diary, blog, is my search for being 100% good person, in love with life and "having it all".
My blog is a solution to the way I used to be. Also to unhappiness, stagnation and bad energies inside. I was not a very happy teenager or young adult. Strings of relationships, "The next one will be different, better" and the outcome always seemed to be the same. This changed when I became a raw foodist, but my past still lingered, as choices and options to take. Fruitarianism gave me the painful verdict, this is my life, because of my choices. I could see clearly the link between choice and outcome. I had no idea. I used to think if noone knew, or saw that I was cheating, except me, that I wasn't cheating ( example). But you see, we all have this backwards. If you know, your life will show up a different way to you. You knowing is all that matters. Plus it is written all over your face what you do when noone is looking. Notice how no secret is ever secret, no lie is ever believed, for long at least?
Also fruit gave me happiness, gives me happiness, the kind little kids feel. Self love, self beauty, perfect skin. I feel 9 years old sometimes when I am at my desk at work and a hadnsome man walks by. I feel confident in any situation, meeting new coworkers, friends, etc. I look at photos of myself and I can see inner glow and radiance. I look at even photos as a raw vegan ( I looked far better than a meat eater) and I look much younger. I have been the same age for ten years, sometimes, alot, people assume I am even younger than ten years ago. I am not seling you anything, just providing you with alternatives to cosmetic surgery. Just fruit. Fruit as a fast or cleansing, or diet.
I have heard of many "myths" that fruitarians lose their teeth. In my experience, most cooked food eaters have cavities, and now dentists are either cashing in on root canals or fake implants. On a frutiarian diet, these will fall out, Fruit will discard anything that is not alive. There you go, that's all there is to this question.
Fruitarian diet will heal real teeth. I have personally seen a cavity disappear. You can ask around or go on boards, this happens with raw vegans too. But if you have fillings, fake teeth, root canaled bonded teeth, they will fall out on fruit diet. Why would you want a screw or a fake tooth in your mouth anyways? It will just make the rest of your teeth rot underneath. Ever see the black line under crowns a few years old? That is the tooth rotting underneath. Teeth are alive.
I have known many long, long term fruitarians. Their teeth are fine. I know 10, 20 - 40 year fruitarians. When you are really looking like me, they are everywhere. All over the world, they write books on philosophy, diet, planting and fruit. There are some that live on the beach barefoot with long beards, but there are vegans that do that too.
My visitors, colleagues, friends are always asking me about protein. I do not need to eat dead cooked animal flesh, sorry, but that is what it is, to be healthy. I do not need cooked dead processed rice and beans or whatever they say protein is. I remember growing up in school, getting taught the food groups and how we need bacon, eggs, milk, toast, Oj and cereal for breakfast every morning. My granddad ate that. He had 5 heart attacks and he is dead. That is very different today. We seem to think that whatever they teach us, is correct. what I, What if, all the commercials on tv,
were, well, wrong?
I look around at every one my age, I walk the streets. I used to think there was me, and then , " the adults". What separated me was I was young, and the adults, were living dead. is that your inevitable future? yes, I am afraid, if you eat like everyone else, you will look like everyone else. I was already dead 10 years ago. I was dead at 15 years old.
I had no connection whatever, to the food I put in my mouth, connected to my brain, what happened in the world around me or my looks. I just thought, well, maybe if I am anorexic I will be hot. I thought, well, it's his fault I am alone, or maybe I need to be a slut to feel anything exciting. It was never the food.
I wish I never had to go back to cooked food again. It has been a challenge, more so on fruit than raw vegan. " Oh if I could taste this, one more time, well, if noone sees me, then I really didn't eat this" stuff goes on sometimes. But they disappear. it's no big deal, I know where I am headed. On cooked food, I was on my way to having disease or surgery, like mom, and diabetic dead relatives, probably. I drank a lot, took prescription pills, had infections monthly, skin rashes, I was really a sad and bad person. Walking disaster. violent, etc. I had no idea how beautiful I was, I felt like a fat monster.
I apologize to the old self a lot. I wish, I wish I could have found out about raw veganism, or fruitarianism as a teenager. I would have done it over night. All it took for me, was hearing about raw vegans, 6 years ago. I did it overnight. Juliano's RAW was the book i bought the next day and an Apple Fennel salad at Dean and Deluca was my first meal.
To make up for it, I can promise to my old self, that I will make up for all the years lost. I will give myself, my life back, I will give the love back to me, I will give myself, everything I never had as a teenager.
Are you tired of having to put on all this makeup to cover who you are, to be beautiful? Are you tired of having to look like a slut to get confidence back? rubbing your face with alcohol to get rid of pimples? Are you tired of nothing happening, stagnation? Not able to enjoy anything? Just include more fresh fruit in your diet, and see what happens. Fruit smoothie once a day. everyday. No excuses. To me, being so sensitive, different fruits bring on different feelings, the watery sweet fruits better feelings. Avocados make me feel full. if you are hungry, eat more. If you are craving bad food, eat fruit to fill up.
6/16
My Professor called me. I told him I didn't want to see him today, he asked me why, I told him. My intuition says it is wrong, and explained it. I explained we were close once and then he seemed distant. He asked if I was going on another date today, I said no.
We got into a real long conversation, he explained it was just a school discussion meeting, he was interested in only, It wasn't even a date. Silly me! He finally he told me the reason he was distant from me, An ex, his ex girlfriend whom he took to a psychiatrist, who said she had some disorder, ( Psychiatrist/logists are not NOT accurate judges for reality at all hahaha 
) and blah blah, He was a victim. He took her, put her on pills, (it was really ridiculous) but they could not get along. He tried to make it work, but they fought alot, because of " her disorder". Anyways It was hard to listen to. I wasn't doing him a favor by listening to it. It is just a "story" he made up, he found everything to agree with it to back it up. Anything to take responsibilty off himself. I told him, to not be inside that, because there is no power in being a victim, take responsibilty blah blah. Be 100% responsible for why it went bad. For once, one time. There is complete power and control in that. It's funny, I found the worm. I knew it was there somewhere. I felt something really weird. Now what can he take responsibilty for? What can he do to clean up the mess?
(Meanwhile E is on the other line calling to help me in hooking up my TV to my dvd player, to stereo, I can't seem to do it still. E is with his dad. I told him to tell his dad, "Thanks", for buying me the antique rosary, he got me a few years back. E is a good friend. I admire him. When he gets a girlfriend I won't know who to call.)
Ps Two other guys that have the same exact story are New York pp, and my dad. It's very ordinary way of thinking. Even I have blamed others. I stopped. The only place something is wrong, is inside me, nobody else has problems. That is how I look at the world, and it makes me try harder to be good. I am being responsible for how others see me, and think of me, as well. Be responsible for your loved ones failings, because there is always something you could have done. Be responsible 100% for your relationship working..or failing.
Professor said that that, is good on paper, but men, are truly not, all good, or truly all bad. I said ..." Speak for yourself!".
FOOD
smoothies banana avocado and date, strawberries
chopped tomatoes with cucumbers and avocado lemon cream
Cantaloupe, half
papaya chunks and lime juice
Now that he hung up, I miss him. I have more things to say to him. I forgot to tell him something, I forgot to give him the opportunity to come clean. I closed it with, "Someday I will hang out with you. Someday..". Listen to me, listening to my intuition. I am so awesome.
Tomorrow my dad is coming. I ordered him a raw food cake by Mariela, veggiemunn.com. Make it myself, I should have, but I am past raw vegan stuff, now. No more mac nuts, ground flax and agave cake crusts. No more opening 7 cases of thai coconuts.
My Professor called back, asked if I changed my mind. He said I am an" Iron and Fist type of girl, and now I am getting to understand you, I am figuring you out..". Hmm what does that mean? I will look it up on the internet. Hmm IRON FIST, it is a superhero. I don't get it. "Iron and Fist" sounds hard, doesn't it? I am nice and soft. I thought I was. I just don't want to see him. He told me about NIRVANA spa on South beach, and if I would like to come, I should. I said Thanks. I sense longing in his voice, I sense, also, his act. I see it. There is nothing that will take him out of it, when he is in it. I sense something foreign. I sense a game at times.
/
You guys are not going to believe it. My professor showed up at my door. I had it open an inch, I slammed it shut, when he said, " FED EX!" , I shut the door, locked it, and told him to go away. I wasn't ready, I was housecleaning, I look bad, etc..He said he just wanted to say Hi. I ran into my bedroom. THEN he started YELLING, outside, my house door for 5 minutes. I went in the shower to drown the noise out. I was worried what he was saying so I opened up my shower window and said " WHAT!". He said, he wanted to make sure I heard him. Blah blah. I told him to come back later. He said he will. Great. Now I am getting ready. If he comes back , I guess he can hook up my tv for me. It's a little weird, being followed around, by your teacher, huh. I mean, It's not the end of the world he shows up, I was going on a date with him before, remember, just he is super aggressive and won't take NO for an answer. I do need help hooking up my tv. Suvine, your intuition was right. It was. I just want to talk to him face to face, if he comes back, and let him know, what is going on with me. I liked our early friendship, but I am not settling for less than him, whom I love. I can't say that can I? I know he will say "let's just be friends", but if I add another male friend to my long list, it has to be someone really really great.
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My dad wrote me he is gonna be on tv!! He wrote:
"Hey, did you know I am one full episode in a national reality show? It's called "Confessions of a Matchmaker". The first 2 episodes are on A&E tonight at 10PM. They will be repeated. I am not on tonight, but you can get an idea of what they will be doing to your PAPA when he *is* on. Post-production is still working on my episode. It's billed as a comedy. All episodes were filmed in Buffalo. It's fun being a TV star. It was a film crew of 28 from NYC, focusing on yours truly. I'm pitching another reality TV show, focusing on short-term volunteers abroad, per request of the director of this show. Of course, I will be the star of all the episodes of that one if it happens. Love, Dad."
I am still trying to figure out my tv. I have no sound at all, but picture. Working on it for 7 hours on and off. I cannot figure it out. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH ahha ahhh ahhh...
I had more smoothies. Went online to Kveta's board. My final project for class is due today. I know I will get an A.
I would like very much for my mom to come over and clean. My brother is going to drop off I would love to see a movie. I cannot wait to see " Across the Universe" and " Ratatouille".
Dad is coming tomorrow afternoon or evening. He wants to see me alone at first. I miss him, I love him, I want us to really connect and have a friendship. Not only is he a successful "good guy" Lawyer but he owns a Dance company in Buffalo. He sent me a excellent review of his company. He is on the board. I mentioned he likes ballet. We had the same ballet teacher a few times. Yes, my dad, a dancer once. Business man in dance class. He says he takes it for better rock climbing, but I say he likes it because ballet is awesome. We have so much in common.
I sent him a photo of the grapes above, he mentioned I drew the same type of grapes drawing, in high school, that I gave to him. Eerie, plus wait til he sees my grapes tattoo. Me and Grapes, long history. I cannot wait. I hope his cake comes in early. I got my brother one too, he is a daddy as well.
My FLICKR fruitarian group photo pool: http://www.flickr.com/groups/passionfruit/pool/
I want so bad to have an amazing life. I have to start in how I am listened to. I will interview my mom and brother tonight when they come over. I will report back here tonight. I want to find out how they really think of me. I hope they are not scared to tell me.
I did a haiku
You know how people always say that when you're in balance in the raw food diet your body weight will normalize over time, after being low for a little while? Are you sure that's not the case, that your body is more comfortable at this weight right now? It's tempting to be underweight and skinny, believe me, I know, but sometimes you have to accept that maybe your body wants to be stronger. I'm sure you look beautiful at any weight.
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Right, I know what you mean, maybe you are right. maybe I want to be this weight. I know when I am down to 105, I feel really hot and beautiful. I get scared to dress hot, and be sexy, because I feel it makes other women uncomfortable. I like women. Is that weird, we as women should dress the best always.
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Have you ever considered or fantasized about living in a community that supports itself? Growing its own fruits and producing what little electricity if any was needed from solar or wind power. Of course this would be best suited in an annual warm climate and away from developed cities.
Just wanted to hear your take on this, but I think you are already doing a great job of helping usher in a new harmony here on earth.
Thanks and best wishes to you.
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you are so beautiful there are alot of women that will be uncomfortable around you no matter what you wear or weigh. but that is their problem, not yours. dress your best always. if they can not accept you its because of their own insecurities. and you do not need people that are so insecure. put yourself above it. was hard for me to learn to do that myself. because i always want to be friends with everyone and make connections. but i finally realized that connecting with people like that is a waste of time. so strut your stuff girl!!
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$7 for a mamey - that's completely worth the sweet, perfect treat!
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This comment is so awesome I wanna frame it.
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When I hear from people from my past, I can get in a real funk, of memories of my ‘past’. Which was one of darkness for me. When I don’t hear from these people my life is full of light and joy and happiness that is just overwhelming. I can be incredibly happy in my life.
It is the ‘memories’ of the past, that can bring me so low. I think some call it being haunted, by your past, which is so true. We grow and change and evolve, to not being that person, any longer. So it seems, when people from your past contact you, they talk to you as though you are still the same person that you were. You are not that same person anymore, at all. You are a completely different person now. But, they only can see you as who you use to be, and talk to you as who you use to be. Trying to tell them that you are not that same person anymore, can be a waste of time. They don’t get it, they still talk to you as who you use to be.
Your life has changed, you have changed, you do not live as you use to live anymore. You no longer live in that mind-set that you use to live in. Now you live in the positive no longer in criticism or such negativity. I have absolutely nothing, I mean nothing in common anymore with old friends, old ‘boyfriends’. When I am in contact with these people, oh, it is just utterly horrible for me. I have absolutely nothing in common with them anymore, it is unreal, because that is how much I have changed in my life. They are still the same negative people, who still seem to be ‘exactly’ the same as I remembered them to be. No change whatsoever, they still live the same, do the same things, still so unhappy, still doing nothing to change that.
You can let yourself go back to that time, of who you use to be, when you talk to them. And that for me, is too dark and depressing. That is no longer who I am anymore. Sometimes, you can’t be friends with the people from your past, in that it brings you back to that time, and you can’t seem to shake it. Only when you are no longer in contact with people from the past, that you forget who you once were, and go back to being so happy again, in who you are ‘now’ today in your life. Who you created yourself to be.
There is no ‘devil’, this was something man created in order to have power over people, to use such manipulation of creating a devil, to use fear to control people of the masses, to get them to do what they wanted. (Conversations with God, an uncommon dialogue by Neale Donald Walsh). If you think you may have done bad things in your past, you could feel you are a ‘devil’ or were one. But there really is no such thing as bad and good, if you see it in the context as written in conversations with god. All that we experience only helps us to create who we wish to be as a person. We can’t see the ‘good’ without having the ‘bad’. You need the contrast. You can’t see how beautiful your soul is unless you see the contrast of darkness. I really like you Suvine, I think you are great. The good & bad.
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Grab hold of the beauty, the good, as what you see good to be, and live it, be it, be happy. Don’t dwell on the past, yesterday, as you were a different person then, not the same person you are today. We change and evolve so quickly in recreating ourselves to be someone better and better daily.
The people of your past know you as you are back then, but you have changed. You are not that same person anymore, but they will never see it. Or, they were just not the right person for you. You need to meet someone as positive and wanting the same things as you do in your life. When you can just be yourself, then you will meet this person. If you are trying to be someone else other then yourself, then you will never find him. When you truly love yourself for all that you are, when you finally SEE the beautiful person that you really are in who you are naturally, inside, then you will find him. Or, he will then find you.
See the beauty in yourself as who you are in your soul. Without the exterior getting in the way. You as being happy, laughing, carefree at times, enjoying yourself, just being you. Having inner beauty shining through and less worried about outer beauty (which I don’t believe exists, I can’t see outer beauty at all, that was a real problem for me living in a world which seems only able to see exterior beauty at times.)
Just be happy Suvine in being who you are. Don’t try to be like others, and don’t worry if others won’t accept you being yourself. When you are truly being yourself, you will radiate such joy and beauty of such happiness that everyone will except that love that you will be pouring out. It will be hard for them not to accept love that comes from inside us of being happy in who we are. Not wanting to be anything more, then what we are inside.
I find my old boyfriends, didn’t really love me for all that I was inside. They said they did, they really didn’t. They still wanted that exterior, that they were mostly in love with. The blond hair blue eyes that I was born with. And I knew that, because one thing I was never in life, was shallow and superficial. It sure would had been a lot easier to live this life if I was, that’s all I’m saying. But now of course, I’m glad I never was, because you will find your great joy and happiness in life where others who remain so shallow and superficial are still struggling so much in life because of it, in unhappiness.
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You are already so beautiful inside Suvine, live your life now in how it makes you happy, not others. Don’t care if they don’t think your ways are right, or what you believe is right. People who are constantly recreating themselves can only really live for themselves, in being happy. As you are constantly growing and constantly challenging yourself on a daily basis. Others don’t always do that, or never do that. They may do the same things day in and day out, never recreating themselves, never even thinking about themselves of who they wish to be in life, what they wish to have in life. Just be yourself and don’t worry about others, worry about you. When we help our self, we can then be a help to others. If we don’t take time to help ourselves, we can be no help to others.
The end.
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Denise, can I marry you?
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Suvine, my love. :O)You really made my night, when I read your reply. It made me so happy. It made me laugh out loud with such joy! Suvine, you are too late… I am already married. I married my BFF. I love him so much. (June 13th was our 15th Wedding Anniversary). I’m his BFF too.
Suvine, if I was ever to have a BFF (girl)-friend, I would want her to be you. But, I am Aquarius, and we are very loyal, so it would only be - if the second ‘F’ would apply, (as in ‘forever’). ;O)
Aquarius also believe and live by integrity, honour, dignity and honesty. They are our best qualities. I do believe you are Sagittarian? I do believe I read that on your myspace? Correct me if I am wrong. If so, Sagittarius and Aquarius get along quite well, indeed. From my cosmopolitan bedside astrology book; it says that Sagittarius is as independent as Aquarius are. Sagittarius are riveted by Aquarius’s many interests. Aquarius enjoy Sagittarius enthusiasm. A fun loving and compatible combination. Sagittarius are open, restless, cheerful and curious. Aquarius are unique, friendly, stubborn and inventive.
Aquarius are also daring and confident, a rebel at heart, enjoy ‘different’ people, need mental stimulation, independent, eccentric, fun to be with, likes gadgets, enjoy new experiences and always ‘thinking’. [Too much thinking, sometimes I find.] I wish I had the bedside astrology book for Sagittarius, Suvine, I could know and write about you more. I’ll have to find one.
….Aquarius’s Admirable traits are: inventive, humanitarian, determined, sociable, tolerant, intuitive. Our Aggravating traits: stubborn, detached, impersonal, rebellious. But my good points make up for my bad. :O) I’m only detached and impersonal when I don’t know someone as yet, then look out. Lol. Then I’m not anymore. :O)
BEST TRAITS are: affable and entertaining, lots of stimulating ideas, enjoy new places and things, bold views and daring deeds.
WORST TRAITS: unpredictable about commitments, emotionally cool and detached, rebellious and eccentric, unsympathetic to complainers, undemonstrative.
My profile: resonant color: electric blue. Stones: amethyst, aquamarine. Plants: orchid, basil. Day: Wednesday. Numbers: 7, 8. Parts of anatomy: ankles, shins. Funny, I do love electric blue, amethyst, aquamarine (I had a username online as aquamarine once). I do love orchids, and basil. Wednesday is okay, 7 and 8 is okay. Don’t know about my ankles and shins?
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My dentist is Sagittarius, he and I hit it off so good and have so much fun when together (only at the dentist office) (and when I’m in the dentist chair - if you can believe that) and we have so much in common (including loving “the complete conversations with God” by Neale Donald Walsch, we both read it 3 times, I’m on the 4th time now. I was shocked to learn he was so into it when I was on the 3rd reading, and he was too. Unreal. And he introduced me to the book the ‘secret’. I just started reading it 3 days ago, oh, I love it. It’s exactly what I needed right now in my life. I’m beside myself again, as I was with the complete conversation with God when I first found it. I was already following the same principles of the secret, from conversations with god.
I wrote you a letter, Suvine, a few days ago, but never sent it. And after I read the secret, I couldn’t believe it. Because I was writing in my letter to you, what I later read in the secret. It must have been a spirit/love - felt/lead letter to you. Maybe I will send it to you later. I didn’t plan to write you of astrology.
Suvine, you are one of the most beautiful writers. When I first came upon your blog, quite a few months ago, I couldn’t stop reading. Your writing is so interesting, I couldn’t stop. You write so beautifully, it is so beautiful to read. It is the way you write. Your writing is very unique. It is something I have never seen before, in how you write. So I kept reading and reading and always kept checking up on you of what new things you would write about.
I wanted to write you many times, but at the same time, I didn’t want to disturb or interrupt your beautiful writing, so I didn’t. I just wanted to let your writing and your feelings just flow as they do, so beautifully, so poetically like I haven’t read from anyone else before. You really held my attention, with such interest, is how you write. Your writing could never be boring. It is always with something very meaningful to say, or not said at all. And even if it were a boring subject, you would make it so very interesting to read. You could make any subject so exciting to read, Suvine. Maybe it is your honesty in your writing, that I love, as I love honesty with a passion. But, it is the way you write Suvine, with such beauty. I could read your writing forever and ever… in how I love to write, for eternity it seems at times, is how I can read your writing.
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Your writing is sheer spiritual ecstasy to read, of the utmost fulfilling of the soul to complete fullness. One thing about me, I love to write, to express myself. More-so in written form, then verbal, so, my writing can be long. I try to keep it short, but, that is almost an impossibility for me. I have written you many times, to comment on your blog, but, before I know it, it becomes so long, so I just save it in a folder, and don’t send it. It doesn’t help either, that I type very fast, faster then I talk. See how long this is already? Usually, I would just save it to my folder, and not send it.
Suvine, who knows. Maybe one day, you and I will be BFF’s (best friends forever!). :O) Maybe, even in person. I would like to have a BFF as a girl friend. I use to have many, at different periods in my life, when I was younger. But I don’t have a (girl) BFF. I grew too much inside, too fast. I recreated myself, too much, daily, as who I wished to be. And I also moved away, and grew apart from my friends.
When I read your blog, you remind me so much of me, inside. I have never ever met someone so much like me, before. How you express yourself. And yet, very different too. But also, what I love about you, that I am not, you are, and that I would wish to be, but am not, but that you are. You have qualities that I admire and wish so much I had. I even said to myself Suvine, after reading your blogs, that you are my hero. For me, that is amazing I would feel that way for someone. You have really touched me, in a way that no one else has before.
Maybe we are kindred spirits? Maybe we could be bosom-buddies (like Anne of Green Gables from Cavendish beach, Prince Edward Island). :O) I don’t know if you have heard or read of Ann of Green Gables, but she is very popular here in Canada. She is a fictional character, written by L.M. Montgomery. Prince Edward Island is the East coast, Canada, above the province of Nova Scotia, of where I am from. I use to live on the island as a little girl. It is such a picturesque beautiful island, and such a peaceful island, of the most delicious red sandy beaches that go on for miles and miles….. People feel such a peace and tranquility, when visiting the island. As though spirits of such love and peace and goodness dwell there.
Oh, see how I can write. Suvine, you have inspired me so much from your blogs. I use to write online, and then took a very long brake. I did mostly debating on such topics such as religion and spirituality. I was learning at the time a great deal about ‘religion’. When I was finished my studies on these subjects, I decided I needed to take some time away from the computer. And when I came across your blogs, I became inspired again.
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You are extraordinary, and amazing. I have yet to find, (beside my dentist, lol) someone so incredible as you! It must be the Sagittarius that I like! My astrology book must be right in we are a good match! My BFF husband is Gemini, Gemini and Aquarius are said to be the best match in the zodiac. But now I am seeing, that Sagittarius seems to be just as good a match as well, not just my dentist. :O) My dentist is a friend, but my husband is my BFF.
My Cosmopolitan bedside astrologer book says; Aquarius are happiest when….. at a spontaneous party, turning heads with an outrageous dress, visiting an exotic place, living by your own rules, (so true about my own rules! Lol), changing someone’s mind… Wouldn’t be caught dead… in a shouting match, joining a racist group, ordering sushi (this one is not true, I tried sushi), standing on line at planet Hollywood, (what is planet Hollywood, I don’t know what that is???) …Or pining for the past. I would like to learn more of you, Suvine, your astrology. I did read though, what you wrote of some astrology of yourself on your blog.
Suvine? Are you my (girlfriend) BFF (best friend forever?) That I have dreamed so much of one day having. You never know…. maybe what I have created my BFF to be, you are her? Maybe, this is how I found you. “Like” attracts “Like” in the Universe. As I am reading in the Secret, as well as I have read in complete conversations with god.
Suvine, I like you. And Suvine, like you, I too, have many fears that are blocking me. I know, that one day, very soon, I will overcome them all. And I will stand so tall and strong, of such power and independence, of who I truly am, never knowing that girl anymore, that I once was. One day soon, I will live my DREAM ‘completely’, of who I wish to be, and who I WILL be and Who I am. I know, it will be sooner then I think… I believe I am now in the midst of creating this for myself.
Suvine, I just wanted to say, I wrote that 3 part (my comment to you) all together. I sent the first part… and wasn’t going to send the rest, as I thought it may be too long. Then at the last moment, I decided otherwise, and sent the last 2 parts to you. But I sent the last 2 parts only minutes apart from part 1, no more then 30 minutes, I do believe. Not a day later, as it says on your blog. It must have arrived late through email. Anyways, when I saw your comment after part 1, I smiled with such joy and love radiating in my heart. :O) Thank you Suvine, you made my night! You are a very special girl.
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Yes, I will marry you, in my heart! I think I love you. :O) I think I fell ‘in love’ after reading your proposal. :O) :O) :O) We can be married as kindred spirits, BFF’s (Best Friends Forever) - as Ann of Green Gables, Anne Shirley and Dianna Barry! ;O). I quote, taken from the back of my Anne of Green Gables heritage edition porcelain doll: Anne (Denise) lol, loves her friend Diana (Suvine) at first sight, immediately proclaiming her to be a kindred spirit, sweet-tempered Diana, who has never gotten into any trouble before, suddenly finds herself in the midst of Anne’s misadventures in Anne of Green Gables, the beloved classic by L.M. Montgomery…….
Take care Suvine! You are my Hero!
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I found this online (you can disregard the lovemaking part - since we are not [physical] lovers -- maybe more-so lovers of the heart, of the spirit (kindred spirits). Or the pure unadulterated love of a BFF):
AQUARIUS AND SAGITTARIUS These two are so innovative about lovemaking that they ought to charge admission. In addition, they inspire each other intellectually, for Aquarius has far-out, inventive ideas and Sagittarius is optimistic and visionary. Aquarius can be dogmatic in its libertarian views but that doesn't bother live-and-let-live Sagittarius. Both are highly social, fun-loving creatures who like people, seeing new places, and whatever is unpredictable. The best part is that neither one is jealous when the other isn't home.
….I don’t know about you Suvine, but that holds true for me. I do have FAR OUT inventive ideas! Aquarius are very innovative. And I am fun loving! And I like people! Like new places! And unpredictable? Yes, I love that! Unpredictable is me. I like the “inspiring each other intellectually”. That one’s for me! Sounds good. I like that it says; Sagittarius are optimistic, love that. I love optimistic people. I guess you can say I’m all for libertarianism. I believe in freedom, to be free in one’s life! Without being free, how can you live? I believe everyone should have the freedom to --BE-- who they wish to --BE-- in life. I think maybe at times I can act dogmatic, but, I don’t know if that is a good thing though. Lol!
I have a very fun loving side, but, I also love having a very serious side as well, to contemplate all aspects of life. I believe my fun-loving side and my very intellectual serious side - equal each other out in perfect balance. Aquarius are very loyal, stimulating and very open-minded. We also get a kick out of shocking people sometimes. I don’t know why… maybe because it’s a little exciting to do so. Life can maybe become dull at times otherwise. Always done though, in a very subtle kind of way, never to cause hurt to anyone though. But just to surprise, I guess. To lighten everyone up. :O) Lol. To always keep life fun and exciting and people always guessing. It is done so spontaneous, that it even shocks myself when I do this. I seem to do it on a soul conscious level only, and it shocks even me, at times, and even slightly embarrasses me with bashfulness, but then my bold side takes hold and the bashfulness quickly subsides.
Aquarius can have a very amusing fun side. :O) Very funny contrast though to our very intellectual serious side. People don’t always know how to take us, they are always very curious about us, and can study us with constant up and down stares of ‘who’ is she. Not knowing HOW to take us at times. Lol. We like to always keep everyone guessing, to ‘surprise’ I guess, without even consciously being aware we are doing this.
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Suvine, if you can’t have fun in life at times, what would life be worth living? Life is to have fun, to feel alive, to be happy and laugh and clown around at times. And thank god I love my serious side, and could not live without it. And also it is what keeps me grounded, otherwise, I’d be a laughing clown in life, making a living at the circus. :O) Thank god for my serious side! Lol. Aquarius are also very bold. And courageous, like you are as well, Suvine.
That is why you are my ‘hero’. I do believe, my First.
Cheerio! Suvine!
The end.
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No offense, dear. But your professor sounds like the sleazy type of guy that uses his position of trust as an educator to pick up his women. Very poor. Especially in light of the fact he gave you an excellent grade you did not deserve. A bit disapointing that you take the bait and agree to give in and see him knowing this. Not really what your blog writings espouse, is it?
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dear suvine,
please write to me at zoeizm@gmail.com. i would really like the opportunity to write to you and be a penpal, as i see so many similarities with where we are in our lives and our outlooks.
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Right, I guess it gives them the opportunity to do the same, dress up and be our best
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