It's the food you put in your mouth. Disease is all toxemia. Disease is 90% caused by the dead processed wrong foods we eat. Doctors even say there is no connection. Maybe they really don't know. In the next ten years, you will hear more of what I believe, I have started to see a shift in perception. More Raw fruits and raw vegetables, TO SURVIVE.

Also that little children now are having Heart DISEASE and they are blaming it on second hand smoke. Nope. It's the food they eat. When are people going to wake up. If they ate well, second hand smoke would not, give them heart failure. I am sure smoke doesn't help, either, but we, in our health, are very strong animals..

Oh DIABULIMICS are now this new thing. (like add or this weird new thing I heard yesterday, or whatever, to sell you some poison pills that really do nothing but make you sicker. You need to take other pills for the side effects.) Diabetics who want to lose weight are dying, so now, fat diabetics are told to stay fat.

I can't watch this shit anymore. I understand , people are never going to give up meat and processed food, it just is all over the news, my work and life, Disease. The only safe place it seems, is childhood, and children are not looking so beautiful anymore.

I am sorry but I turn on this news and this is what I hear, and my reaction. I like the news when they tell you that DINOSAURS OF CHINA exhibit is here in Miami with dinosaurs WITH feathers will be displayed. Like dragons. I get happy when the news tells me what the weather will be like, what new storm is coming. I like the news when you hear good news, and people who have been done wrong, are done right. I like hearing about heroes. I like hearing about Animal activists bombarding another fur fashion show.

Wow, A shooting at a high school graduation, here in Miami, in the slummy part, miles and miles away, 2 people dying, Oh MY! Graduation?? WOW. 16 and 19 year olds. Police were seen carrying away gifts. Crazy.

My professor says his plane on the way to Miami, last week, they had to knock out a guy. I didn't see the news on it, but there was a fight in the air.

Poor people eat the worst worst food ever. Criminals in jail eat the same kind of food, poor people eat. Rots your mind, body, beauty, goals and dreams. That food makes wrong seem right, and right like wrong. I read a study on what violent criminals were raised eating.
They do, "experiments" were they change the diet of detention centers, to organic vegetables and super healthy food, and the behavior changes. That was from "Super Size me" . With rats, they experiment and one group is fed raw nuts/fruits/veggies, and the other group processed people food. The processed fed rats fight, degenerate, and eat each other.

I called two Landmark Selp coaches today. Helped me see really cool things. I still have homework to do. I am so busy, I need to MAKE time for my project.

Don't you think it is weird that all these predictions and stuff like Nostradamus all that stuff, says the end of the world ( well, of our current world society) all point to war in the new world and middle east? I mean, hasn't anyone thought that is weird, I think we predict and then we do. That has to be the answer.

So far I had a bowl of Pineapple CHOPPED UP OVERNIGHT SO ITS SOFT and AVOCADO, BANANA, DATE and WATER SMOOTHIE

You should see the kids in my class, they are like professional comic strip artists or do really cool animation, right out of a magazine. Meanwhile, I spend 5 hours on a pumpkin. lol, no joke. You have to start at the bottom, in EVERYTHING you do, right? I am sure they suffered as well trying to figure graphic computer design, when they began. And their talent is a result of their DOING and unstoppable TRYING. It's like my 3rd real Illustrator project. I want to learn how to be better than my classmates. I really need to get to work and research then, I can commit to a lesson, online video/tutorials, every chance I get. I am going to learn by commitment and action. I think my favorite subject is fruit. It is so beautiful.



You guys know all the times I have really really amazing coincidences? Well this fruitarian girl on her Orange juice fasting blog  wrote this:

I keep seeing the word 'Orange'. In one day , the dictionary fell open at a page with the word 'Orange' on the top of the page. The advert on my e-mail page was for a phone company called 'Orange' and the featured fruit in the magazine I was reading was 'Oranges'. Citrus Synchronized.

from: http://www.fruitgod.com/theorangejuiced.html


cool huh?

Monday 6/18

Me and my dad had a very lukewarm cerebral conversation on my couch last night for an hour. I told him, the walls I have had up all my life with him, I am going to commit to discarding. He liked that alot. I told him I am done with that. I saw my dad last night, he left without taking his raw food carrot cake I had ordered for him from Veggiemunn. I gave that one to my brother, who came too late. I got my brother a raw chocolate mousse cake.  I gave both cakes to him. I don't eat them. So I spent father's day , that I planned, with two fathers, both showing up at different times.

My brother's family is cool. N, his girlfriend and I talked all night until past 10:30. She wants to be a raw food chef. She was a chef in training, at Johnson and Wales, where they first met.
 Anyways, my brother got angry, he missed my dad. He started calling my dad's office in Buffalo, which goes to his cell, begging him to come back. After they left and I went to sleep , I was woken up at 12:54 am, my dad asking where my brother was, to speak to him. He said he was on the phone the entire time.

MBH said he'd help me with my tv, said he would fix it last night, and he never showed up. It's weird, why say he'd help me and not show? He offered to do it another day, but I said, no, last night was fine, after my dad left. I have been driven crazy trying to get the sound to work. I am not sure what to do.

/////////////////////


JUNE 19 2007

I am eating an avocado here, at my big wooden desk in the corner of my bedroom. I came home, and turned the air conditioning on.

I did not write alot yesterday. I am done, with being depressed about MBH. I was all inside it, yesterday. I was exactly 1 week before, too. It puts me in a place, where nothing is possible. I am not blaming him, it's all my fault. But dealing with him, gives me access to extreme sadness. It is just what he inspires in me. I am not going to deal with him, unless he comes to me in happiness. I am not going to ask for his help, when I need it. I will figure it out all on my own. I like that way of being.

Wow, this avocado is really heavy, like drinking oil.

Breakfast Watermelon juice, sugarcane juice

I am thinking of getting my own sugarcane juicer. Really. I do not like begging for it, training the waitress, to always have it, and tipping extra at the Cuban coffee shop. I feel like I am their slave and sometimes I am.

I would love to try a sugarcane juice fast. I am probably the only one willing to take that on. I will keep my sugarcane diaries here too.

For lunch Orange Juice at Jamba Juice

I brought to work a Tupperware bowl, filled with chopped (in my new chopper) strawberries, avocado, dates, mango, peaches and lemon juice. I snuck some all day, at work, when noone was looking.

Now I am eating an avocado. Later I will finish the rest of my lunch.

I left work. I worked next to he Doctor's daughter today. I love her. I feel bad, she is overweight, and has skin rashes. She showed me her belly, which has cellulite, like a beer gut. I see softness, but her overweight face, looks a little masculine and bearish. She must be 9 years old. I smiled, like nothing was wrong. Nothing is wrong. Her Favorite food is Pizza and McDonald's. She told me she loves Mc Flurries. Every morning she eats hash browns with Orange juice. Her favorite is chicken tenders. For dinner she eats stuff like spaghetti and toast.

I actually had a conversation with her, muted. Usually her and her brother repeat things they hear on the internet over and over and ignore everyone. I see youth somewhere inside. Happiness somewhere. She had a Spongebob Squarepants fortune teller and we played a few games. She turns into a monster when her uncle come around, she yells and rolls around, on an office chair, while he warns, " you are gonna fall". I like them alot. I am so happy when they come. She likes to scream on the intercom, mean things about her uncle, in incoherent dribbles. She does not remember the name of her school.

The other day my mom suggested I try rainwater, during a rainstorm, so I put a bucket out under a sky. My neighbor must have thought she was doing me a favor and dumped it out. I thought of getting MSM that way.

On my lunch break at work, on Miracle Mile, I rode my bike at the same exact time a raw foodist, Justin was walking by. I stopped. He seemed skinny. He said "HI" and I saw papaya or mango on his front teeth.

It reminded me of the time I did a glamorous photos hoot on South Beach, and all the photos turned out, with me smiling, with mango in my teeth!

He said, some kid from California, who just arrived, asked if he knew a girl named Suvine. He said, " yeah", and the kid asked him if I was pretty, He told him, " Yeah She is pretty" and then this guy told him about my blog, which he didn't know of. I asked what is his name and he said, " Sebastian". I do not know anybody named that. I made like I had to run, I did.

For my lunch break I went to this park in Coral Gables, and I laid down, with Ayn Rand on my Ipod I slept under burning Miami Sun.

I noticed the other day, EXTREME HEAT NO LONGER BOTHERS ME. I mean, it is June. I love the heat, I sweat, but I like it. I never get " overheated" or " uncomfortable" my body always maintains equilibrium. Miami is wet hot anyways, it's not an oven, some places are. So for the first time ever, summer feels good. No more overheating. I am proud of myself.

Anyways I laid down and I felt soo good, like I was in my own bed.d  I was in the grass in this park , next to Barnes and Nobles. There are no dogs allowed in there, so I was safe to lay down. I looked at Coral Gables, while on my side, the expensive palms, the shoppes, and it really looked like Coral Gables was this really friendly spirit being, to me. Like, I was asking it,
" Am I ok here? " and it was saying YES. Acceptance. Like here I was in bed, in the grass and it was ok. I was sprawled out, my feet in glorious stretch under a sun, my high heels off, I was safe. I was taken care of by the city. I was taking pleasure in it. I closed my eyes and felt the heat on my face. I woke up when a cloud went behind the sun and watched it go by, I would measure how long before the next break. I listened to "Capitalism, the unknown ideal", and "Objectivism", by Leonard Peikoff, audio on my ipod.

I had these insights that reality is seen more and more by me. Reality is what is around us, not our thoughts, that we put on things, but the things themselves. Everything else is made up in our minds. I thought, animals must be able to see reality waaaay more than we. Our minds are running miles, when just stop and look around, at trees, people and LOOK. Be in the present.

I am in the present an awful lot. I am the clearing for other people to be in the present when I talk to them. I do this by clearing it, whatever needs to be said, to make a clearing.

I was looking at stop lights a different way. They were just things, random in a universe. Without meaning. I see things clearly for what they are. Like time stood still in that second I am viewing. What is a stoplight, other than what we make it mean? Think like that. It just IS. Made by man. But it has all this MEANING attached to it. It means go or stop. But what it actually is, is this thing floating above us, the wind blows it, past it, I see the sky and the rest of the meaningless universe.

I look around all I see is meaning, but I can separate my meaning, (stop, turn, tree, restaurant, etc) for what it is, and things are just alone there , standing on their own, no life, in a world we created in our collective mind. When what is REAL is the universe looking back at me, thru the clouds and everything else, is just noise, pollution and honking. EXACTLY like the movie, THE MATRIX, when he says, " Welcome, to the REAL world, Neo".

I see like that, and I feel alive. I feel like everything is predictable. I feel like everything is the way everything else is. I feel we, as people, are like bacteria. The only harm bacteria does in our bodies, is by their waste and feces. The harm we do, is our waste, as well. We give off, as people, a whole lot of feces and waste ( meaning pollution). We do not hurt the planet, our waste does. Just like bacteria and mycotoxins in our bodies.

I want to lie in the sun every lunch break. I believe fruitarians really love the sun more than anything, its pleasurable, I feel sooo good, like the barefoot thing, it's physical pleasure.

If you eat cooked food, you are like everyone else. If you eat bad cooked food, you are like the rest of the criminals or sick and diseased. If you eat vegan, you are like vegans, if you eat like raw foodists, you are like them. Just look at others' experiments. There are really fat and sick vegans. There are really hot cooked food people, and very young. It just is, I am not making judgments.

The Curse of the OFFICE LIGHTS

I notice all day at work, I go thru phases during the day, where I do not feel beautiful. I am like, "what is wrong?" I feel glowing when I leave work, sit at home, or am outside, under trees, landscaping and nature. Then I go to a seminar, same panels of school lights, everything is lit up, I see everyones face. I see myself as pale when in the bathroom, inside it's like a neon sign everywhere. It makes people look pasty, it makes people think , about themselves, that they are not pretty. It's just the lighting. Supermarkets have the light I am talking about, and we have to be in it all day at work. No windows, no sun. Tacky, gluey, anemic gray, dead. That is what kind of lights they are. Under this kind of lighting, super models look like any other sick skinny girl. So if you think you are ugly, it's probably just the lighting.

I saw on the news, in California, maybe, bears are coming out of the woods looking for food, and they are a "problem" and we shoot them. Wow. Think about the human problem. Do animals shoot us? Do we own the planet? Didn't our parents teach us to share? They are coming out to look for food because of the droughts. Can't we feed them? I mean, well, who is gonna pay for that? I say we let them run wild. Train them somehow.

I am running a hot bath with Tea tree oil. I wait until it is all filled up, and then I put my feet in it and sit down. I lay back on it. The first moments of submersion in hot water is such such pleasure! I feel like a naked angel. I feel my skin crawl with warmth. I feel complete. I them lay back, with the water past my ears and look up, think. I think about nothing and everything. My bathroom has those LIGHTS I was bitching about earlier. I turn them off and open window and listen to outdoors. Ok now I am eating my fruit salad. I will probably make watermelon juice later. I may watch tv. I may just go to sleep. I will deal with school and stuff tomorrow. I think I got a 99 in one class. I have to worry about Spring semester next. Woo hoo. I loove school. It's so fun to rush home and slowly learn graphic design.

Stuff online looks fun too, look at this: http://www.design-studio.com/resources/tutorials/tracing-photo/

People say on raw foods you become  better artist. The opposite happened to me. for real. I used to have such fine detail, anal, perfectionist paintings. I can't do that anymore, I can't put in all that stress. It's funny. I am a new artist completely.

Things that scare me about reality, is things like chairs, tables, are more real than we are. I mean, we are like a poof. A chair, if left untouched will last thousands of years. We don't. So, if reality is what is, then we humans, are not that important. We are meaningless beings. If my bed can last thousands of years, then, isn't my bed, greater than I am? If my laptop, can outlive me, then isn't my laptop, more a part of reality then I am? We are not beds, tables and chairs, walls, streets. We are alive, and it seems like that which is dead, like jewelry and furniture, has more power and lifespan then we do. That is reality, what are we but things that were and died? Our bones live longer than we do. That means, our bones, are better han our souls. So things in reality, real reality, that is where reality is. Deep.

Look at these recipes, from GONERAW.COM.  I want to make. My camera is at the shop still.  I have this dream of a sauce with avocado and dates atop chopped fruit.

Persimmon Salad

(click on image to enlarge)

//

I was laying in bed, and for the first time , in months. Lots of  months, I fantasized about an imaginary hand hugging me. It gave me such a jolt. It has been so long since I made love. Oh my god. I think out of all the men in the world, 99.999999 are not who I want. I want the best I know of, always. I want the smartest, the one who works the hardest. I want the one who makes me feel IT. I want the king.

I want to have a kiss that means something. What would it look like? I wish a ghost would come to me. One that is perfectly ok with it. Just to pretend. This is nothing sleazy but a reflection of admiring someone who has the values I want and have.
 
I can't write about this on the same page as my Father's day entry.

The healing for all relationships, is the relationship between Father and Daughter/ Mother and Son. So maybe it's ok. I want him to have a relationship, that is brand new, created out of nothing. The kind that dreams are made of. He did tell me about his relationships, his listening of his girlfriend was not good, at all. Meaning, he said bad things about her. There is a lot of walls between me and my dad, that I have told him, I am done with. Are there any left? Yes. I am afraid he judges me, and it's all in my head, I make that up. He loves me. I want to create something magical. I told him I would write him once a week. Friday sounds like a good day to do that on. I told him all about the Landmark Forum. I am not stopping, until he takes it. iI want this for him.

I told you all he is gonna be on a reality show on tv, A&E channel, a whole episode on him? Soon. It will be weirdly exciting, surreal, I know it..

/

"The knowledge one man discovers and the goods or services he produces can be of great benefit to another, and the character a man cultivates in himself can make him of profound spiritual value as a friend or romantic partner. Rational men, says Rand, approach one another as traders, offering values they have created in exchange for the values they seek, each appealing to the rationality and self-interest of the other.  (What one offers to a friend or romantic partner is one's own character and one's admiration or love for his.)

  By contrast, parasites, who seek or seize the unearned, give the men from whom they might have benefited every reason to turn away from them or to turn against them. Parasitism is never in one's interest. When men recognize this and formulate their goals accordingly, their interests do not conflict and all the benefits of social existence are possible." from http://www.aynrandsociety.org/

I like it about parasitism. Living for others,  sacrificing, loving others more than the self, using someone else's brain for survival, riding someone else's back, mooching, looting. I have done that, these things. I see it now. I tried it really on today. No joke, it is really powerful to live 100% for your self, using your own brain, working for your own life..I became this magnet, I felt it. I see this new way of being for me, and it's like me and the universe. I feel it. I feel powerful. I love the best ideas.


Some photos from Kveta's board,
http://fruitrevolution.proboards59.com/index.cgi
this one is from Rudolf Sappel



Are you jealous, I am, this is my screen saver, Kveta took it:




JUNE 20

I just got off the phone. interviewed my brother for a few minutes. I asked questions, he gave answers.

What are my strengths? I am an artist, I make good raw recipes, I am really into good raw food.

What are my weaknesses? I am narcissistic. In relationships I am narcissistic . How I want to bring my family together is narcissistic because it makes me happy.

What can you count on me for? Someone to talk to about anything, making good food and designing something really nice.

What would you all say about me if I was not around? ( he said he doesn't talk behind people's back)

What do people know about me? My sister hates me. ( he got another call and the conversation ended before I could find out what, but I get the picture)

I am going to interview more people.

Today I went jogging at 6 am. I got up put my shorts on and ran outside. I don't remember much, just feeling itchy and sweaty. I seemed to blank out. I always forget to bring my Ipod, that would help. The sound of my open mouthed breathing is not that fascinating. I saw apartments I liked. I saw dogs being walked, I saw walkers. I saw old people. I saw mansions. I saw landscaping.

Too many sprinklers on, I noticed. It's on tv, like the News, that we water our lawns too much. We have a drought sometimes. For what Coral gables pays for landscaping, they need to water all they can. I saw, and ran, under mango Trees with green mangos hanging. I saw coconuts.

I wore my Oktoberfest Slut ( written in German) t shirt MBH got for me. He swears it means the good kind of slut. He got mad when I wore it, once. he said, " You can't wear a shirt that says 'slut' !"

Today I ate

Breakfast

Watermelon juice

Sugar cane juice

Avocado for lunch

Grapefruit for snack

Dinner

Watermelon juice

and a smoothie made from figs, dates and avocado and water.

I lay out in the sun for my work break. It was hot. I lay there not thinking of anything. it was real hot. I love it. I knew I was dehydrated later, from racing my bike around in the heat, by my pee was strong. I drank water.

On my way home from work,on my bike, I was really natural, wild girl. I was. I am awesome. I am beautiful just the way I am.

Work was nice, I noticed, alot of my coworkers, get really, really crabby . I hear people fighting, like the receptionist made my manager cry today, Over who takes lunch break first, I notice this, I wonder if it goes in waves. Real tears.  It must be me and what I am focused on and attracting. I have been on the upswing though. Right, right, I forgot.. I really was a bitch Monday night.

Oh. I was, I was in my "act". The "act" is totally a Landmark Education term. I went to Landmark SELP class, Monday night. I told everyone I was IN IT ( the act). I was sad depressed, tired, withdrawn. I had no idea how obvious it would be to me, later. My coach told me, if I am in my act, then I am where I am supposed to be, in my course. Because based on our projects, and what they are, how big, all of us are overwhelmed. Our act kicks in, does not want us to complete or finish the course. Makes up all the excuses why we don't want to, or can't.

Inside of that though, nothing is possible, and we are learning to see it, and choose. My act is " I don't like you, leave me alone", when I feel failure or fear. And I really was BEING it. For all to see. People tried to relate to me, as my possibility, which is "Love",  ( I made that up, It inspires me) and they tried to help me. They asked me to do something I could not do. Never was able to do. It was simple, kind of like public speaking, yes, believe it or not, I can't do it. Not like they wanted me to. I got really freaked out. I refused to do it. I was nasty. My poor group dealt with my act, and I said, finally " Leave me alone!!!" ( which IS my act) and I hid, with my face down. I pouted, I fumed. They all knew what I was being. I was so mean to my group, I really DID NOT LIKE THEM. Exactly what my act is.

You see, the work, is really, really HARD, and there are some things I refuse to give up. I was like a 5 year old child yelling "NO!" I now see it, I know when I am in it. I was deep in it. If I am going to be successful in my community project, I have to see what that is, for what it is. I have to see it,know it, and never be controlled by it. And then decide, if I want to be my possibility and succeed, or my act and fail. Great work, but still, I can't let go of the act. I have to face fear. Courage is only present when there is fear.

I see what people eat at work. The receptionist eats pasta with tomato sauce, that's it, like $1.00 meal. I see my manager eating spaghetti with tomato sauce and cheese, too, That's it? There are snacks around my desk, like rice cakes and nuts and dried fruit. I see Tupperware of black beans in fridge, or Chinese food foils. I saw a picture of the Doctor's kids, in an office, with a statue of The Burger King in between the two frames. The "cool" new Burger King with the beard, crown, robe and smile. When I went to Jamba Juice for Fresh Squeezed OJ I went to the bathroom and there was a Qdoba menu inside. I looked at it curiously.

The Other day I went to a JUICE bar. The only juice they had is orange, apple and carrot! Three choices of juice! It said CORAL GABLES JUICE BAR on the outside. They served sandwiches and protein pizza. That is like going to a bar and only seeing three choices in drink. Totally NOT a juice bar. They should call it, " Sandwich and pizza nook".

Like Jamba Juice is, as well, everything is frozen or dairy and then they have OJ and Carrot juice. that's all, for real juice. There is really no juice in Jamba Juice. Unless you like bottled stuff. Wheatgrass is not really juice, to me. Doesn't count. Neither is carrot. I don't like roots.

I am sitting here, at my desk, I hear crickets outside, I am wearing flannels with roses all over them. I have no makeup on. I am wild girl. My brown hair all over. I am drinking watermelon juice. I am getting sleepy.

I have been such a good fruitarian. I feel something, I do. I feel strange things sometimes. Like hyper senses, and colors are brighter, alive. Colors are, beings. It feels good to rub my leg, or nice to lay in bed, or in a bath, or in the sun. I feel. I feel big. Bigger than ever. I feel powerful. I feel like I am a creator.

I feel like a little girl sometimes , I have this energy. Like my long brown hair is alive, around my head.

The Doctor at work is so cool. He always praises me or is super forgiving. I told him he should drink water, the other day, because he kept messing with the temperature, up and down, on and off, heat and cold, it was too cold, then it was too hot. He shrugged when I said that, he might just need water, and he made a joke how he needs Red Bull. I work really hard and correct everyone's mistakes, using online medical dictionary, so his paperwork sent out, looks professional.

I live in Miami where English is a second language. Luckily, I know English, very well. It helps, and is a plus, surprisingly, because it is rare.