I just had the best day ever. I did. For real.

Where do I start?

I got 15 hours added to my 40 hour week at work. My manager quit. I was sad, because I see first hand how this happened. It was spiraling unhappiness, breeding more and more. She demanded more money. She blamed, she did less work and complained more. I saw it, I tried to help her, get everything she wanted a different way. I could have.

The Doctor's wife is so beautiful. I mean, we are like a beauty planet sometimes. Just flowered at me these past two days. I see her saddened a bit, by the loss of her kind of , friend. I used to see them talking alot. So I take inititiative and make her work easier, taking on new responsibilities. I organized 5 interviews today, even the ads. I even have a girl looking for work, who is a Miami Heat Dancer, come in tomorrow, (We'll see who is hotter, me or her I'll report back here)

She told me thanks and also told me I am the best at getting Medical Terms correctly spelled, she has ever had, with very little corrections. She is a perfectionist as well. She had me stay until 9 pm, because she was alone, and always does things the correct way, in business.

Anyways, I just came home and got off the phone with my sister. I love her so much, I do, always have.

Before I tell you our conversation, let me tell you what happened.

Two days ago, at my mother's house, my brother started acting funny, not the way we love. He was mean, and ditched her while she was moving. She called me and I helped her move. Lifting and pushing furniture and boxes into her Kick ass Condo. ( One room, is all glass. But I like living in Coral Gables, where there are trees. This is in a very Metropolitan area) So anyways, she felt sad.

Then she was happy I helped her.

Then she called me the next day. My brother took off, stole her Credit Cards and began a $2 grand on the run spree across Florida, with his girlfriend and my baby nephew.

At first, I tried to judge, but this did not feel right. finally, me and my mom, both Landmark forum grads created something really awesome,and I CANNOT TELL YOU , How RIGHT this felt, to us both.

She created that she would let him " go", meaning, her smothering momminess. I created that I would forgive him, and reach out to him, and be more of a good sister to him. This felt really good to us and we were so relieved and so happy. I thought of all the times I treated him like an enemy, all my life, all the times I did something. I am responsible for his value system, the way I was to him, all my life.

I forgive him. We miss him and are very worried. He will forgive him if he comes back. He is our family.

So I called and told my sister this. We had a long talk, she agrees somewhat. I told her, I promised to create the family of our dreams. She is sold on it to. I told her all the times, we thought things that happened, we not our responsibilty, that "our dad" was the enemy, how sad is that? All the things we have done or not done, and been responsible for. There is a lot work, of getting things back to their true nature, reality.

I am happy we are talking, she is so very special, My sister is so beautiful to me, like a little goddess.

Anyways, that happened.

I am going to school for graphic design and it hit me, I want to be a writer, I want to switch majors. I know the purpose of my life. That is to create a powerful novel, one I live for. Not only will this be something I create ( rather than base it on my life) but I will have to research everything, research the best of the best in theory. Research what i do not know, create it. Best things, Based on what I think, and feel to be true. I want this to be a lifetime effort, I want this to be planned out. I want to plan my inspirations, and work on geting inspired to write. I want this work to be an inspiration, every second of it, to learn more , do more, be more. I want it, I do. Superhuman values and what true love should be, love of the self as the highest, I am an objectivist, after all.

Yesterday I spoke with J, my Realtor friend, I was feeling real withdrawn, this was before I figured out, what I was going to do about my Brother. It stops me everywhere being mean and judging. Anyways, the events that happened, mirrored my feelings inside. Emotional impotence. It was so evident what feeling bad does, I just never forgave him before for anything, so I had no clue, what to do, for a long time. I am 1000% happier now that I can. He means alot to me. I am not saying what he did is ok, but no, I am not going to expel him from my life, like I have, all of it.

MBH brought me a bucket of Green Mangoes he picked. That was nice of him, it is so much better to eat some fruit somebody picked for you. I picked some hard avocados from the tree in my backyard.

My mom is sleeping over tomorrow night, she is leaving for Paraguay in the morning, to her two mansions and devoted boyfriend, there.

What else, OH, I have so much stuff to do, I need to sleep. I am also fixing up my credit report.

I love my life. I love it so much.

I have been reading also, marketing stuff, and how to write for the internet. Interesting.

Mbh told me a few days ago, when he was sitting on my lap, that he is "gonna come over and f-k me, one of these nights". I am sure he meant this in a really nice way. Of course he is not going to! We are different, for each other. But I care for him as a friend. It is not the type of relationship I want with him. I only do what is natural. But I wonder when he is gonna come and try, so I have company? I have never seen him as I do now. I see him for possibilty. Friendship. True acceptance of who he is and isn't. My friend. That is all, it is so nice to be that way, it is perfect. I have very fond affections for him.

To eat I have been eating

Smoothies of cherries, avocado, dates

Fruit salads

Chopped tomatoes and Avocados

Orange Juice squeezed

Apple juice squeeed

I admit I have felt a little like I need something, but it went away with eating, then back again, and also a little detoxy, dehydrated etc. I found out why. I tried a little cuban coffee today. It is like a shot of whiskey. I did not drink a shot, just a little bit, it's very tiny. But see how sensitive I am. Coffee is the devil , I know, I was just tempted by a she devil named M who cleans the offices. She was the same one who went on and on, offereing me about eating meat, when we had lunch catered at work. I would never do that though. When I see her face, all the excuses come up, nobody will know I had coffee, etc..See I am not perfect, and it's always a journey. I am 98% getting there.

Today, at work, I was caught in a rain storm before work. I arrived wet and had every body fuss over me. I had to put on jogging pants, and my Air France airplane blanket. The air conditioning is cold.

6/27

I realize the value of putting my dreams and energies into goals and ideals, ideas and my life's work instead of other people. That is mooching. I have been thinking, of all the research I want to do, to create a new world in literature. Real powerful characters I am going to study.

Why do I care what others think of me, what do I care, I mean, I am so into "looking good" for others, but why cannot I look good for myself, like children are?

I am going to be a writer, what else could I create, I love words.

I missed my phone call with my Landmark Coach, so I felt sorry when he called after I missed our appts. Anyways, I did not have my work with me, so we are planning lunch together in the Gables, Friday on my lunch break. He works on Ponce De Leon. Did he ask we meet at Atlantic Bread Company? Did he? I am meeting him at Jamba juice. He can get something to go. I don't mind, what people eat, I just can't spend my gold time, my break from work, at Atlantic Bread Company. Why not sunbathing n the park for lunch break? I can't think of anything better.

E, my lawyer friend, picked me up in a new Audi car from the Collection, all dressed up in work clothes, opening and closing doors for me. He went to Jamba Juice and got me an OJ. We went to his house. He has a basketbal hoop in his drive way. He has war statues in glass bookshelves. He has a maid who cleans. He fixed my mouse and I am sitting here on a nice big chair, reclining, with a blanket around me. We are watching tv shows on a huge tv. His fat cats are trying to eat my avocado, tomato and olive salad. He sits in his chair, across the room and we spend hours watching tv. He tells me of all the things on tv, he knows everything about tv world. I feel comfy around him.

I have been thinking of a lot of things, taking responsibilty or everything. Never skimping on it. It's a learning process. Like today I trusted the facility driver, at work, who said he had the list, of patients he picks up in the morning. I decided I did not need to run thru the list, if he said he had it. He didn't have it right, and my boss called me here. I should have read thru the list with him. Its my fault. It is. I hope the lady gets a ride tomorrow, who never recieved his confirmation. Its my responsibilty everybody gets everything right at work. because That is how I want to be. I old her I would always make sure he had the list right before I left home.

Today a lady who called, I took some appts, told me that her son, got autism, after getting his 2 year vaccination. Her baby, started living a life as a zombie, after his shots, and how hard it was. It was her fault, she gave permission to strangers, to poison her boy's brain, so now he is a zombie.  She gave her responsibilty to strangers.  It was really sad. This happens everyday. The strong ones just get sick, the weak ones get brain damage.

I want to take responsibilty and work on my goals and dreams, living for myself, what makes me happy.
I have become self absorbed alot. Absorbed in my self. I like thinking, I like for one ime in my  life not being obsessed with others. I think its a new experience, living for myself, thinking for myself, really thinking and using my brain, to create what I want.

I thought today, I was watching tv how hot girls wanna find a rich man, well, why can't they become like the rich man, so they don't need to be a parasite? It's all possible and brand new, what you want others to get for you, get for yourself. All his, by wanting it. That is where it starts, you have to know whatyou want. I do this more than I know. I am giving that up. I fall in love with values I want in myself, so now I know I can be what I so much respect. I can become what I love, being love, using myself, as the means and the end.

We had many interviews today, the Miami Heat dancer girl is on the Miami Heat dancers website, she was cute but her skin was so bad, anyways, she wants to work where I work, loves medical things. Then a fat lady with a ton of experience, came in after her, she ran a clinic before. Let's see who gets the job. I say good looks goes alot farther than experience. I got hired with no medical experience whatever for a AWESOME job. They really are stressing the medical experience, but I think if you are attractive, people want that around.

I read a Harvard Study that proves unexperienced people who have good looks win, over unattractive people, with more experience, in the job world like most of the time, everywhere. The MRI tech said I was cuter than her. I didn't even ask.

Why am I watching a Dancing show on tv? What AM I doing here?  I am on a couch, ready to go home. Sleep. I am thinking, thinking, I am going to have to earn everything anew. I am going to have to start living for myself, everything, for myself, and noone ese, with my goals in mind, working and not dreaming hopelessly but working and actually thinking. I see tropical storms coming to Miami. What is new. I like storms. Paris Hilton is not very sincere at all. She tries to be. I guess it is hard to be genuine on tv. I love her, but this jail thing, it's pretty bad.

I love learning, I want to read and talk about ideas, I want never to rest but always to work at this enormous dream. I want to get where I want to be. I want to be the best person I am. I want to be good . I want to be without sin. I do. I want so much out of life.

Today I had

Orange juice
Avocado and cherry salad
Avocado, Olive and Tomato salad
Orange juice
and will probably eat Banana and date smoothies until I fall over sleeping.

I have a watermelon too for juice.

So I am going to start creating a plan, a real plan, and working with stuff that moves me, researching what I do not know.

I am heer watching South Park, where Bart Simpson, is a character on it, and he looks like a South Park kid with spiky hair and says, " cowbunga". Funny.

I had a sapodilla but it was too ripe. I want to go horseback riding in Miami soon. One of these weekends. I want to be in love with my life's work and purpose. I need to create something out of nothing. Not borrow or steal. I need to be more into me so I know more about good and evil. By feelings inside, about things. I need to learn what my values are. I need to learn how I want to live and wat I need to live by. Honesty, hard work, self love, self pride, hard work, doing what I need to do, the right way, to accomplish unheard of goals. I will do it, I am doing it.

I want to live free , free without fear of anyone stopping me. Is there a place like that anymore? I want to create what I want for myself.

Tv is so boring, when is LOST coming back on?  I can't stand being without that show. I have seen every single episode. I told MBh it should be called " The island of a bunch of liars", ahah I started watching "Grey's Anatomy" on my tv by my bed. I love the soundtrack, they play, and I like the pretty intern.

This house is built in the 1930's. E lives close to my work. I need to go home, but I am frozen here writing. I am amazed I have not gone asleep yet. I want to create a perfect world in literature. I do, so bad I want to be in this world of words.

6/28

Today I ate

Orange juice
Grapes
This fruit salad at Graziano's in Coral Gables, made with tiny pieces of fruit swimming in FS Orange juice. How perfect.
Shredded Yellow Squash with avocado lemon sauce
Cherries

I worked 12 hours and it is amazing, the more productive I am, the more energy I have. I almost didn't want to leave work. I get more projects, and offer to do some unasked. I am very homey and comfy. I sit barefeet, cross legged, with blankets under the desk and work real slow and right. I do not take one single shortcut in anything.

There was a lot of paperwork. I prepare reports for dictation by the Doctor, and it requires perfect spelling and knowledge of Medical Abbreviations and terms. Everything thinks I am so smart when my secret is online Medical dictionaries. I spent an hour today trying to understand this one Doctor's scribbles, on a referral, looking at lists of Syndromes, online, to see which one looked right. I read reports and looked at bones. I read about bleeding stools, things growing, on the insides of intestines, one breasted women, tumors in the head, feces lodged in intestines. It's all interesting to me. If I ate cooked food, I think I would want to die, as well. But I don't, I feel beautiful and happy. I look at the faces.

I know where to put my focus on, my dreams, my values I want to have.

I was so bummed there was no cane at the Cuban restaurant window. I love sugar cane juice. There is not much to talk about besides work, today. I worked hard, volunteered, took over the receptionists job by answering all calls on first ring. I offered my boss, that I would talk to workers who did not do their jobs right today. While I was doing paperwork.

On my break, I listen to Ayn Rand's Objectivism, by Leonard Peikoff and I hear such great stuff. I do. I would love to go to the Objectivists conference this July. To actually meet others like me , sigh.
My high heels give me blisters. I spoil myself. I got it from running to get FS Orange juice and to be back on time. I have been on time always lately. Like Magic.

Here I am, in a little black dress and heels. In a large chair. I have a long necklace of sea conches. I need to write my school and tell them I want to be a writer and if they could help me decide what to do. I want to research, walk and interview and study people, with a notebook. This weekend. I have some time.

I want Guarapo
I want to see Ratatouille
I want to work hard, I want it to be my happiness.
I want to only think for myself.
I want to do what makes me happy, never selling out, even once. Not even a little bit.
I want to be all good.
I want to earn greatness.
I want to be steadfast.



I never want to live for another man again , like John Galt. I never want to ask one to live for me. How noble! I want to judge and be prepared to be judged myself.

I am so tired to clean. My mom is sleeping over, she can do it. She is filing a police report against  my brother. I wrote him an email, telling him I love him way more than the money he stole from my mom. Hope he comes back, I love him. I hope he writes me, I miss my nephew.

I need to do some research and start orgainzing how I am going to create my life's accomplishment.

The Doctor at work, has these beautiful eyes. They are like a wild big cat's eyes, very animal. He works longer than I do. I admire him. He is good. A good Doctor, which is rare. I told him instead of getting up to me, he just has to call me and I will come to his office and get whatever he needs faxed, checked, etc..That way he can work harder. He said "Thanks", like he meant it. His office is like a den on papers. Lighted panels with X-rays. Paper folders in pockets on the walls and doors, X-rays of everything, MRIS of everything, Cat Scans, Biopsies, Mammograms, Venous Duplex, Barium Enemas, Upper Gi series, Sonograms, everything is done there. He reads them all. He reads so fast, it's kind of funny, like a speeding recording on FF. Patients walk around looking sick. Everyone wears blue scrubs. The Doctors wife looks very elegant and knows the secret of showing skin. His brother got sick yesterday and vomited in the bathroom. He works longer than me too, eats Burger King. Hates the idea of exercise. The prescription for him,  from the Doctor was Coca Cola and the Specials Tech gave him a GI cocktail.

There is another Doctor there, walks around alot, who stares at me, but not because he can help it. He always shyly, tries talks to me in Spanish, and he wears a lot of cologne. Has two kids. I smile. I tell him where things are and page people for him. I am so busy working, it is hard to stop and just do nothing, talking to him. He dresses very Latin.

I am going to go and eat some food, like squash and avocado sauce. I like. Maybe some Sapodilla smoothie. I have two.

I am going to work for myself, get hired by myself and get paid by myself. I would like that. I would pay myself according to the work I do, If I do a good job, I get good money, if I do something phenomenal well, I definitely get a raise. I love people who run their own business. I want to do that. So am I hired? by myself? hahahaha I love that idea. I do, I want to got to work for myself, and make lots of money the real way. The real fulfilling way, using brains.

I would love to go jogging. I saw someone jogging and thought I should stop them and ask them if they needed a jogging partner, but I thought that would be creepy and he probably would say no, see how I think? Got to not listen. I do.

The weekends are my only real free time, and even then, like I said, I will be working for myself full time as well. I want to really start living. I know what to do, I know what to do.

Tonight I might watch a movie. I got FUR with Nicole Kidman, about a really important female photographer. I forget who. Maybe I will be inspired, maybe not. My camera is still in the shop. Wolf Camera sends it to Nikon who fixes it for me.

I feel maybe I am on fire, in heat or inspired, or maybe I am in Love, with a compliment to my values. I feel good, whole, real, alive and always ready for accomplishing. There is a system to everything, There is a system to achieve greatness, I want to plan it.

7/1

What I ate:

Yesterday Breakfast

I had a smoothie, with florida Avocado, florida Coconut and Dates

Lunch

BREAKDOWN ( clean up move on, don't look back)

We went to a salad buffet restaurant, me and 9 people, so I got tomatoes, cucumbers, raisins, pickled peppercinis, dead olives and shredded squash. It was a breakdown.

It was, I later had had some fried mushrooms. I felt very bad. I am learning, this fruitarian thing, from my mistakes.

There is good and evil in every choice. For everyone it is different, I am sure,but for me, cooked food is evil. I had a question in mind though. I wanted those fried mushrooms, so, I thought, how can this be evil? I desired it. I knew it was bad. But I thought because I wanted it, it must be good. I am creaing a philosophy in my life for what is good and evil, right and wrong, and I needed to know for sure. Now for once and for all, I know the truth. I really didn't know before, I saw virtue in my choice of eating them, and it was an experiment. I ate them. I felt so bad, and will for days. I also feel the inside of my mouth, like its burned, raw. Maybe from the heat. The magic is gone, the life is gone, I feel, less magical. I am a fruitarian, I can tell the difference. What is in your stomach is around you in life.

When I go for long times fruity, eating right, everything is like a good dream, paradise. Things happen to me, colors are vibrant, things are moving, reactions, situations are created, love is expressed everywhere, and feelings are like water. Now, I am still, silent, anti social, alienated. I do not answer my phone, I want to hide in bed. moody. Cooked food stills me, makes me stone. BUT it is not that bad, I had only a little so I know I will be back inside it in a few days. Maybe if I go jogging tonight, in the Miami Rain across the golf course in Coral Gables, I will be fine, I will detoxify.

It is like cheap thrills, like quick fix, like fleeting pleasure. But in the end, it is evil. I consider anything anti-life to be evil. I guess it starts with tasting foods that are spiced or salted, like vinegar on the peppercinis, or marinades on my tomatoes, a little cooked food, begets more cooked food, also, just having cooked food in your thoughts. Choices need to be made in the mind as well.

One cooked food leads to thoughts of more. Today I was thinking of a ice coffee for a second. I would never, but it came to me. Just a little cooked food is really bad. So I am not totally there yet. Fruitarian Perfection. I am 95% close. I will be, I now know. I do, I am going to choose good over evil, life over death.

This diary is my journey.

Anyways, I also made a fruit stew today. The soup is made from Orange juice, strawberries, dates, lemon juice and a little jalapeno. Then there is chopped up Pineapple, Apple Berries, Avocados, Squash, Cucumbers.





Yesterday My friend J, the realtor, who is a beginning fruitarian, acknowledged my fruitarianism in public. He told people I am so smart and I inspired him to eat fruit as a diet. He told me I am awesome and hugged and kissed me. I felt so, good, almost cried. I talked about philosophy. Plus, those around me were so impressed by his acknowledgment, I felt my esteem rise in their eyes.

I stated I wanted to write a book, a novel, philosophy, etc.. I said my fears are, that I would just be taking others ideas, authors and gurus I like, and making their ideas better, not being smart enough to create stuff on my own. I said the cost of that would make me feel like I am a fraud. So I INVENTED the possibilty of true genius inside me. Wow, I feel so much better. Being able to invent knowledge out of nothing. I realized, I could always write about ideas I like, and put them to the test. Always giving credit to where I am inspired. But mostly I want inspiration to come from me and my brain. I want to plan how to be inspired. Questions to ask. Life.

I thought to myself, your face looks like what you eat. When I eat melons, my face feels the most juicy. When you eat cooked food, you get dried up and hard. I rubbed a half grape on my face,at work when noone was looking at work. I know it is healing, very good, maybe better than Aloe gel. I used to use Aloe Vera gel as soap. Now I have not used any soap on my face over a year. My skin has never been nicer. If I accidentally use soap, my face dries and is tender, I hate it. I take off eye makeup with a nappy cloth and water. I use soap to shave my legs and armpits and other places. But it's Olive Oil soap from Marseilles France, E, the lawyer, got me.

SO I am going to switch majors or schools. Literature, my first choice. Well, art was, but Literature is so much better and deeper. I had no idea the power of words. I am a writer.

I learned so much this weekend. That the love of my life, or anyone's , should be their work. Never another person, that is parasitism. Agree or not, it's my diary. Love should be a compliment to one's value and work, never the goal. Someone who shares what you have inside yourself. I am not too sure on my stand, but when I write my book, I will definitely research this and come to a conclusion, one that is fixed, and that I can live by.

I paid rent today. I am totally rich, I had no idea how much money I have. I kind of did an inventory. All I eat is fruit. All I buy is fruit. My god this mosquito will not leave me alone. I have not gotten bit in several years. Maybe it's the mushrooms I ate, coming out my skin, but I don't think so. Mosquitos never bite me, I never worry about it, even as a raw vegan I was never bit, maybe a little, but not compared to my meat eating sister. She would be covered with bites and always screaming and slapping and I would stand next to her untouched.

After this year is up, I am getting a place with my own private backyard, in the gables. I need to be barefoot outside, sunbathing and chilling under mangoes and avocados. The rain here is powerful, then sun, then blue sky, then thunder, then rain. I want more coconuts. I want sugarcane juice. I want a real durian fresh and ripe.

Please do not think I want to be " good" like Jesus Christ , or something, that is not my mission. In fact, I see altruism as evil and anti life. Free milk for half the population means slave labor for the rest. People are not created equal. Religion, or denial of reality, is evil. Chritianity is a death cult, Christ on a cross, worship of pain and suffering. Not good. Evil. I agree with the Objectivists on this one.

I am trying to be good, good in the sense of what is really good and heroic in man. Sacrificing for others is not good, evil. It hurts people. Makes them dumb, helpless.I want to work hard, live for capitalism, true capitalism, or freedom, from government. I want to be able to do what is right and good, I want to be rich. I want to make a lot of money. I want to do this by brains and thought. I want to create something new. I want to write an epic novel, volumes, with great characters, I want this to be very philosophical, in my own way. This will be done by research.

I started seeing my relationship to reality. I fantasize alot about things, when the real thing comes along I am lost, discombabulated, nervous, realizing I like it in fantasy better, because things go my way. Then, I realize, that reality is SOOO much better than fantasy, if you choose it over fantasy.Reality is real, fantasy is dead. reality is what exists outside of us, in life. It's is what is real, really really REAL. God can be found in reality, as inside you. You are god. Totally. I am god.

Mbh is coming over, my friend. I care for him so. I wish him well, he is a great person, who has a heart, somewhere. I wonder what we will do? I asked to go hang out in the woods, but he said no, joggin, no too, he said it is going to rain in an hour. I put on the air conditioning, like he likes. I don't mind, I just feel ok without it, but he would die of a sweat stroke. I want to hug him, and just be his friend. I am beginning to change, my views are changing. One day i will prefer work, my work, over spending time with him, watching shows like " So you think you can dance?"

I realize, I never watch tv when I am not with people. Maybe Grey's Anatomy, but if it's on when I turn the tv on. You see, tv shows do not align with my goals of writing a novel, or philosophy.\

I am wearing a bubble bottom brown, couple hundred dollar dress, high heels, and my hair is nice, I feel good. I do.

Werner Earhart, one of my idols, said something like, " When with other people, make space for their garbage and analyze their good, most people do the opposite. Give their garbage space and talk about relate to them as their good, talk to every person as a god" ..HMMP! Well, I don't know about every person as a god, do they deserve it? That stuff needs to be earned, lol.. but I agree with giving space to people's garbage and just analyzing their good. Talking to them as their good side and leaving their bad side alone. If you have to THINK before being with people, then it's not very real and true is it, your connections? I say, your judgement, is the best way, always.

I told my coach the other day , who thought, I must have issues, that, " I do judge people, and am myself, prepared to be judged"...

Mbh Came over. h brought me the new Interpol cd. We played it and kissed on the couch and hugged each other. I felt a little more than usual. I felt glad that he was there. The closest person near me physically in months. Reality. he was there, in front of me, on the couch, his chest, his heart beating, his face, his forehead, all in front of me.

Somehow we made it to the bed, got naked, somehow and then an intense session of wrestling. I could not, will not sleep with him, and he was so determined. He can't admit, still, that I am stronger than him. He can't. 2hours sweating, wrist twisting, hair pulling. My lip got cut, my hair I pulled out, my knees and elbows were kneelef on. I spent the entire time laughing, a few times , screaming in pain, but I am a strong girl. He tried everything, but I am stronger. I felt his strength, and I matched his. I would be covered in bruises if I were a cooked food eater. But I am not. I am stronger than a very muscular and fit man. He says he did not want to hurt me, but could pretty much rape me if he wanted, you know what? He couldn't.

In the wrestling, I saw a lot, flashes, of a very animal nature, I saw a glimpse of afterlife energy. I am surprised my arms are not broken, I am so strong. I had no idea, I pinned his hands down many times. I was like a snake. He was so turned on for me. He was so enthralled, enraptured, telling me I was so hot and the guys at work must be going nuts. It was nice.

We rested, then again wrestled. I told him sex would not make him feel better and I wanted to wait until it feels right. I never want to settle for second best or less than best, in everything. I want him as a friend, but nothing more than happy friends.

He brought up some things that hurt him in the past. I said I was sorry. I told him I will be nice to him from now on. I told him, I will accept him for who he is and who he isn't. I will.

We wrestled again. He resigned, on the bed, we lay, arm in arm, and watched a show about Princess Diana. I said I feel there was something wrong with her. I just don't think being pretty or charitable is saint worthy. Diana, was only that. I don't buy it she was so great. I think she was weak, lacking in alot. She was a "People's Princess, alright". She built her world. She is responsible for all that went bad. Created her own destruction. And her everybody is, thinking how tragic, how it was always someone else's fault.

I am sorry her sons lost their mother. Anyways, we sat and watched Elton John and P. Diddy perform. P. Diddy was saying she was in heaven, watching down us. How can she? Her body is under the earth and she is dead. Reality, people.

Heaven and Hell, exist while we are alive based on our choices.

While she was alive she was in hell. And yet we make her out to be a self less heroine, which is what she was, self less. Broken, faulty, victimized, blaming those who gave her so much. Biting the hands that gave her her fame. The victim princess.

Her life is tragic. Why is that considered noble? Why are people who sacrifice their own lives, suffer considered great? I just wish she could have accomplished more. Something real. Charity doesn't count. Something really productive.

MBH told me he wants me to not write our private affairs on this blog. He seemed worried about what my friends must think of me. He wonders if their feelings get hurt. "What about the guys who have crushes on you?" He asked. He cares about what some guy feels, if he reads about our time together?

I told him, " Noone who reads my blog knows who you are. Noone asks. Noone knows. Suvine is not even my real name". He said, " I gave you that name" I smiled. I told him he christened me.

I am a writer. I like my life. He said I am a show off. I told him, "I like my life, I like this moment, I am here looking at you, why can't I write it down to inspire others?", he said, " others don't get inspired, they may get sad because they like you and I like that they want to protect you." I told him, "I take care of myself and I have no boyfriend, please, do not worry about me, I take care of myself, noone needs to watch over me." I think this is something I have to prove.

We lay in bed. I gave him some Fruit Stew and squeezed him some OJ. He told me earlier, that he sees the difference in me, since being a fruitarian. He says, my skin is nicer, I am more beautiful, I have bigger boobs, nicer nipples, That I am thinner, and my hair is nicer, everything is. I am prettier.

For a while, I felt like I was not sure, but when I thought, I knew for sure, I cannot sleep with him. There is a reason. I want to do what is good, I want to do what feels right. I want to choose good over evil, life over anti life.

Many thoughts, many thoughts, I pondered. In between blood in my mouth and ripping my own hair out, writhing underneath him, knuckes and wrists twisted, trying to escape his desire, It was a rape that could  not happen. Impotent rape. I like being in bed with him, wrestling, laughing, daring him, but he can't have me. It's not me, it's some force, guiding me, like breathing I have no choice in the matter. I actually do. I am far away I have a new body. My body is very special, too special. I feel, I am guided by good itself. By choice. I know I care for him, but I know I cannot settle for less than the best. In between our wrestling, we would kiss. But I told him, It doesn't mean anything, except that, I like him as a friend.

I see his self. I see his strength, I beat. I see his life, I see his face, I see the passion, the fear, the aggession. Then tenderness, hugs, and sweaty body. His naked body, its nothing. I feel nothing. Just admiration and friendship, connection, and acceptance. two animals. Two cats. two monkeys. Guy and a girl. Then my thoughts wander to my book, my work ahead of me. Then I think of it, and I feel good. I know where I am in life, I am settled.

These are the mangos MBH picked for me from some, possibly, dead lady's yard, at an estate sale he went to. He is so sweet. I was so happy.
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This is Miami Summer rain, it is very strong and fast, floods and then the sun comes out.




Mameys I love to eat!!



I found this on my old camera, it is tomatoes and Avocados with Dulse, these seaweed flakes, I was weaning off salt. I stopped eating it, it dehydrates me, just like salt. I can eat salt free now



This is my highest read entry ever. I can't tell you how many hits, alot. I wonder why.