I want to write a book. I pondered this tonight. It would have to come from me. I mean, there are a lot of philosophers out there, who have amazing ideas, and it is so easy to base my stuff on what they taught me. Just building on their ideas, I would feel fraudulent. The stuff I write I want to uncover on my own. It's there, true genius, I just have to work to get to it. Work and write.

My book will be very long, a story about lives I have to invent, out of nothing. Stories of good over evil ,Life over death. Where do I get this inspiration? What can I tap into that will teach me? I want to write about heroes and heroines. Heroines that are true to themselves. I want to write from a source that I look for daily. Ultimate what is right. I will have to learn all this.

I am dedicated, I am even typing now, with one finger, without a fingernail, (an accident), and it feels intense. When I cut my nail, to the skin, it did not hurt at all. I thought that was strange.  I also have no bruises from last nights 2 hour wrestling match. I feel good. Except for my finger when I type e's and d's.

I want to see where I really need to work and go to work. I want to just write. I want to create, I want the best ideas, I want to be challenged. I want to over come. I want this to be as good as me. I want my book to be a me I had no hope in ever seeing.

I want to start out with an outline, a story. I want these characters to be real to me. I want them to come to life and be the way I should be. I would need to research, study and work and write everywhere I go, for detail on backgrounds and current life.

I also should, and I have, read biographies of my favorite authors to see their writing technique. I want to absorb ideas. I want the greatest ones. I will have to read and play with my mind. I want my mind to create it out of the work I do. I want to have a relationship to reality, no fantasy. Create words as I create a new world, based in life.

I want this book to be a masterpiece. One that is forever great. I realize genius is something I have to work at, really. I want my book to be the work of a century. The noblest highest ideals, with ground. I want to discover how to be and how to live. I want this book to teach me how to live and I want it to be solid, something I can live by. I want to put ideas into manifestation. I know I know what is right. I do not need to experiment, I have to listen to my self and my guide. I want this to be everything.

I want to enrapture and shake literature, again, this is something I need to learn how to do. I need to learn how to move the world. It's nice having this life goal.

How does one succeed and become the best? How can man become great? Not altruistically, but independently? Free thought, freedom and self expression of the highest sort. Not being like fellow humans, but inhuman.Genius. All genius is is hard work, and love of the creation. How do I become a free thinker? Where is my gauge, we all have but never use, our judgment? Our real judgment. How do I discover the ultimate best in myself? What choices must I make?, I know the right choice, the best choice, even in thought. I want this book to be the best I have ever dreamed of, I want this to become what I dream it to be.

I really do know right from wrong, what I next is right from the absolute best. how do I begin writing? How do I begin to invent a really exciting world? oh, it makes me feel awesome thinking about it. How do I take my breath away? I take my own breath away.

I want to create a story that will show me myself what I should do in life. To be the highest person I can be.
When does the right choices, feel right? When does it become easier to see what is right, and good, pro life?

I would like untouchable characters in my book. Characters that have introduced themselves to me. That I have never met before. Scenes unreal, but too real to be ignored. I want to write in beautiful and inspiring places. So that way, I can add detail to my stories, in backgrounds. I want to invent a plot. I want to teach myself, to learn how to create an epic. I want this to inspire me daily, to prove I can live this life, and have and make the best choices, for myself. I want my ego to support itself. The ego meaning, the self inside me. The knowing, that is us.

I want literature to show me who to be. I want my book to speak to me, and I want to discover ideas that blow my mind to tears and light. I also want my book to make me very proud.

Where do I begin? Where do I start? What outline do I need? Who do I need to study? My story needs to have morals and the best ethics, I will study Aristotle, tonight, his book on ETHICS, and see what ideas he inspires me to create for myself.

I want my story to be long. I want it to move me. I want to create it with my brains. Where is the fountain of genius? It is here with hard work. I want to make a killer living with my mind. I want to be unique. To be better than the best I have to work harder than the best.

Ok for food today I had

Smoothie banana and dates and some fruit stew.
Guacamole with pineapple in it, yummy.
Orange juice
Smoothie, banana dates and mango

I love my smoothies.

I got a free gift in the mail todaY!!!

 When I get my camera back I will model it FOR YOU. It is a tshirt that says, " Be Cute, Eat fruit" from Rawnaturel.com. The owner sent it to me, with a nice little note. It has a little orange slice on it. It was a nice surprise. I get gifts in the mail from people I do not know all the time. All the time. I am so lucky. From Paris, from Australia, and other US cities.

Tomorrow all my mangos are ripened, so I will have Mango for lunch breakfast, in smoothies, chopped up and with lemon juice.

I am getting free stuff all the time at the Mexican Restaurant, like Guacamole,  with chopped tomatoes, like tonight. I stopped here because it is stormy. Rainy season. Free stuff. I don't know what to say, They say, "My treat " at the registers, and I stand there, saying "thank you", while customers look at me.. I have gotten free stuff here for a while now. It started when one of the managers started giving me free stuff, In front of everyone, showing off, now all the workers give me free stuff. It's not like I eat tacos.

I don't get free oj's at Jamba juice anymore, in a long while. They are always switching new workers, but I got free OJ, one day, two weeks ago, by the girls. They know me and were being nice. Like a quick, " You are all set" and they hand me my 32 oz OJ, then they help the next person. Free stuff, is free stuff really free? I wonder. I am craving watermelon, big time. I am stuck in a storm. I am using wifi on Miracle Mile. Free Gables internet.  I am by a shoe store.

I guess getting free stuff is not ok. I don't feel it is, I do not want to feel I pay for it with good looks or a small piece of my soul. I work hard to have the right to afford things.
"God said take what you want and pay for it."

Tomorrow I am mango fasting. hee hee Yes, get me out of this funk.

I was going to get a massage tonight, but the therapist canceled today. My muscles could really use pain. They are tender. I would really feel the pressure points tonight. Ok so now that I ate guacamole am I happy? No, I want lighter fruits. I want to eat purer. I need to exercise choice.

I had this on my old camera. I miss my camera, I want to model.

July 3- 4th

I am on South beach, Lincoln mall road. The beach is a great place to study philosophy. At Starbucks using Wifi. I just got a sugar cane juice at David's cafe across the street.
I may get Gazpacho at Yuca outdoors, down a few blocks, maybe not. I like mono fruit meals, I feel the absolute best. I am indoors now because my laptop needs a plug. I do not like air conditioning.

There are a lot of "Monets" on South Beach. (  girls that seem pretty, from far away, but close up it's all a big mess- Clueless)

I wrote this last night:

I just made mango pudding, mmmm

For lunch, I had mangoes and bananas with OJ over it.

During the day I had 2 sugarcane juices.

One of the sugar cane juices, an Xray tech, at my work, got it for me, while out on lunch. I was so happy, at my desk at work, with sugarcane juice plopped in front of me there, a real treat. A surprise. He is married and his girl just had a baby.

For dinner I had guacamole, and I want this to be the last time. It made me feel bad. Not the avocados, but the salt and onions. I feel, hot, overheated, dehydrated and irritated. This mango pudding heals my insides. Makes me like a baby again. Tomorrow I will be back to normal. I have not been on a fruit high for days. Sometimes weeks go by and I am this fleeting butterfly, not really influenced or rubbed the wrong way for anything.

The Dr. at work, my real boss, the owner, seemed distant from me today. Would not look at me or smile at me, nothing. I gave him space. I figured he was busy. Didn't want to see or deal with me. Usually, I am attentive as to what he needs done, and if he needs any help. I know his every look. I see him when he goes to the bathroom. I see him when he is on the phone in the hallways.  I hear him dictating in a side room. I know when he needs some thing done, and always ask him if I can help. He leaves to work all night in another hospital.

Then at night, tonight while I was still working, he came back, he never does, I heard his keys in the back door, and wondered, that must be him. I heard the rain outside, and him walking inside, shaking an umbrella. He walked by, said, " Hi" with such a smile, a fluid space ness. He smiled at to me with such open, loud energy, and he was such a different person. He smiled when he walked by my desk twice. I knew he walked into his office, and saw my Stat reports for him, on his chair, for the morning. I felt proud of my work. I sensed the wavelength, the reality, of him when He came back, and spoke to me at my desk, about a new job I have, and I later followed him into a reading room.

It was so awesome. He told me about a new job I have. Doing something for him, for his readings. Checking his readings against these stickers, from this hospital, making sure they are all accounted for. While he was talking, his brother was mumbling in the background. His brother is devoted to him. Literally waits on him and treats everything he says, as an emergency. Everyone is devoted to him, like he is so important. He is, he is the boss.

I was very aware of while he was talking to me, I saw something.., this fire in his eyes. It was animal fire. It was intense feeling, fire, death, hate, rage, male, war, human power. Flashes, while our eyes were connected, like I was hallucinating. It gave me pleasure seeing these glimpses, like a portal into a black hole soul. Like falling into someone's eyes looking at you, intently. He would nervously run his fingers through his hair, as he sat there before me, while I noticed the hairs on his arms. Was he nervous about me? He is very good looking, older than me, deep personalty. He made me feel well, like I was appreciated.

I appreciate him and all the hard work he does. I have profound respect for him. It is so inspiring. he inspires me. This guy is so busy and never talks to anybody and when he does I hear the solitude in his voice, like from his throat, I hear his voice box creaking from disuse. This is from hours reading patient charts, alone. It is rare that someone sees him talk to anyone outside his office cave, noone dares bother. I over hear him sometimes talk on phones. I see flashes of him doing biopsies when I go by dark rooms. I go weeks without seeing anything normal. I want to be someone like him.

I saw it in MBh the other night, almost like death. Me wanting to die inside that look. If I could die, I would want to see that look, that face when I do, die. The look that crosses consciousness. The look that females are not allowed to own. Darkness. Strength. Fear. I would like to look at a hot man's face , with that intense look, when I die. for real, really die.

I was very aware of a respect for one another while I was in the office talking to my boss. It was a short but nice talk. I blanked out, in smiles, I admit. I have a new job, that is all it was about, but I make it mean so much. I agreed to wait until he gives me the pile of work to start.

I want to know how to do everything there. I feel so good. I work with such dedication and I try to get everything done real well, and better than most people would do. I do get everything perfect and surpass what people expect of me. I make some mistakes, but those I learn quickly. I really want to be a happy influence and calm people, with my always happy, and mellow mood. I take my time and enjoy my self working. I enjoy myself so much, I like to stay late. if I could. Each project I put so much thought into. You see, it's always challenging because I am doing what I do not know. You should see the things on paper I have to translate, Medical language, Doctors scrawls, there is always something to learn and everything I learn, I look up on the internet to see what it is and means. That way I know for sure I have prepared reports correctly and am grammatically correct. There are diseases that I never knew existed. It's a freak show. I want to be his assistant.

Oh at work they hired the Miami Heat dancer, who wanted to work here, but she never showed up, see, beauty does win over experience!..Anyways she never showed up, so I put an ad up and got 6 interviews for Thursday. All Medical Experience resumes. One girl is going to school at night to do Cat Scans.

I woke up and had some insights. Number one, I have so much advice for others, when I should never use my brain for others and I should never have anyone think for me, as well. Also I had this insight, that I always feel I should do this or should do that, when what I should really do, is do what I want, what I feel is nice. Also, I thought of instead of enjoying other people's things, I should create my own.

I am eating organic grapes for breakfast. I got some cherries and bananas. My fridge is full of stuff. If I get food, at the supermarket, for more than one meal, it goes to waste a lot of times, or I just eat it to get rid of it and never enjoy it. Is that weird? I need to buy what I am hungry for and that is it. Otherwise, it usually rots or goes bad. Never buy food for tomorrow or next day, but today and now.

Last night my mango pudding was awesome. MMM so creamy and mango sweet, right from my neighborhood. Coral Gables Mangoes.

I am either reading "Anthem" by Ayn Rand , it's like 1984 but written ten years earlier, or, "Ethics" by Aristotle. That is my Fourth of July plan. Birds outside my place are going crazy. I hear them squawking.

Some notes I took, on reading Aristotle:

Good character  is the indispensable condition and chief determinant of happiness

The goal of all human doing is happiness, the end of all action, individual or collective.

The necessity of knowledge, of what is the best, of man's supreme end or good. This is not given to man by a superior power, or even, " What shoulds..." but rather from what feels like Happiness and well being. Happiness is created by man in himself

Goodness of intellect and goodness of character, both excite in us admiration and praise of their possessors.

Moral virtue=goodness of character

What is character? How is it formed? Good or bad is produced by "Habituation". That is the result of the repeated doing of acts which have a similar or common quality...on the bias of good and evil.
Right acts through habit, become easier and more pleasant, they become second nature.

What is right?
To do or feel what is right in any given situation is to do or feel the amount required, neither more, nor less.

July 5
Mbh came over and I got a little sad. He brought me a ton of Mangos in a bushel. He told me his client died in Italy. He gave me lots of attention. Smothered me. I let him be.  I want to see proof. I want him to start using his brains.

I liked that he hugged me, we kissed. I had to grab his arms to keep them from going down my pants. I would not let him.  NO WAY. It was a struggle! I did not want him. It is weird, he is an anomaly. He is his own spirit. I respect that. I am going to respect that. I have to. I accept him for who he is. He says he can be himself around me . He is not good enough for me though.

Miami By the Arthur Godfrey street. I went Fourth of July. It is so hot lately. Burning. I got guarapo, as usual. My love.




MBH brought me a Bushel of mangos he picked. I made mango pudding



I went to the beach. This gorgeous man, tried everything to get me to sit on his towel. I rejected him. I prefer brains. He was perfect, though.  A model for sure, or just perfect. I watched him come out of the water with flippers in his hands. He said I
could borrow his towel I said no thanks. I do not know why I did not ask for a picture. It wasn't really important to me at the moment.
 



Homeless guys have it so good here in Miami



My free tshirt from rawnaturel.com. I love her. I love the website.



Lots of people on the beach



Fresh Watermelon juice by Ocean drive. Note to self: Always ask for NO ICE.



My dinner. It was good



Sometimes I get Mango Salsa



Mix it with Homeade
Guacamole.



What I eat at work, for lunch, sometimes, but my fave:

July 7

I added a July 5 entry

Yay I finally got internet. It is not as fast as I had it before, but it works.

I am ovulating today and yesterday. I feel it, I feel like I have to stay away from my bed or else I will be in trouble. I hate HATE fantasizing because it is not real, fake, and it is a rejection of reality. I like reality much better. I need to practice getting what I want in life.

There is porn but I hate that too. I feel so BAD when I resort to that. Can I commit to no more Porn, can I make a promise? Here is my chance, here is my door.
OK

I am committed to finding a source for my passions, in reality. I am dedicated to honoring myself. I give up paying for porn, forever.  I told MBH to seal the deal. Telling people your commitments, seals the deal , in reality and not just in your head. I agree Porn is evil because it takes away from my spirit in a fantasy, its anti life. It's a FRAUD.

There, I feel so much better. I do. I know it is the right choice. A new page for me, now I don't ever have to bring it up again!

Mbh told me I would never confess that "issue", on my blog, but I can, only to make it right and make changes to my choices. Girls get addicted too.

Mbh told me the last time he was over, that it is very bad for me to watch adult movies. He says to call him when I need. But No, he is not right for me, like that. He guesses I want a married man, and told me that married men are bad for me. I have to say this:

I am not looking for a boyfriend, or anyone to take care of me, split my rent or pay my rent, or any man to buy me a house, fancy food, clothes, jewelry ( unless for their own selfish reasons) , nor support me in any way. Most girls are looking for this because they are moochers. I am not every girl. With dependence there is a price you pay, both sides. Sex is given with want of something in return. Never enjoyed for its own sake.

  I want to enjoy it selfishly for my sake, but only as a celebration of values, virtues and accomplishments. Whatever I choose will be for selfish reasons only, for nothing in return but my own pleasure, and that is my choice, my preference, and my discretion. I am free to do whatever I want. With whoever. With no thought of them, if I wish. But I guarantee you it will be with someone who shares my values. Someone who has earned my respect. Someone I admire and value, someone powerful and smart.

In fact, if I do take a lover, I will not write about who he is, here. In fact, I may just switch this back to my fruitarian journal where I talk about what food I eat. Being honest, opens me up, to people giving me advice, I don't want, or even want, to pay for.

I also cannot write about things like this in my public blog, personal private stuff. I only spoke about it to create something new, a resolution, a transformation, to better myself. Noones needs to live inside a computer monitor movie that you pay for. Live in reality. It is so much better! I really am a good girl, just learning what to let go of, and be better.  I am coming clean and cleaning it up. I want to earn self respect, and we all can gain something from living in reality. Only reality is real.

Reality is what a human from the year 1949 or 2789 transported to this time, would see and feel, touch, etc.. they would all see, and be in the same reality. It would be the same for them and me. Reality is the same and does not change for us, we have to change for it. All we do is make meanings. Stop making meanings, and look around, welcome to the real world, Neo. It's your life.

/

Mbh came over. He tried everything to seduce me. He tried. with force, to take
" what is mine", as he put it, but failed. He tried grabbing me and he had such a look on his face. Football Man passion. It was a struggle. My legs are super strong from speed riding on my bike. I was laughing out loud, and struggling. He had a cloth brace on his elbow, probably from wrestling me from before. He was very persuasive and talked dirty to me, threw me down on the couch, wrestled for my clothes. I laughed and beat him. He called me his little girl, I told him, I was not.  I told him, I want us both to be better people who live in reality, making things happen. He agreed with me.

He is not for me. I do not like him.

He brought me a garbage bag of the rosiest mangoes he picked. Dinner this week, in exchange, I am going to buy him dinner this week at a fancy Coral Gables Restaurant. He said he wanted to make out with me, but I refused. I do not want anything for free from him, he is a jerk.

He then started to give me advice and tried telling me the landlord, this Chinaman, is taking advantage of me. I told him, I do not need his advice, people pay him for that, being a Lawyer, and I don't want advice, for free. I take care of myself and make my own decisions. I stress this.

I also told him, I want to only do things to better myself, and do not want to depend on anyone else's brain, to succeed in life. Later, in my bed,  just talking, I told him, wow, what an exciting way to live, that there is so much I do not know that I need to learn!

He told me not to write stuff about us, on my blog, like him trying to rape me. He makes me sad. I feel like I have to be this:

He is beautiful. Very handsome. He is so beautiful for not being raw. His chest is so tight and arms, he lifts weights at the UM gym. He told me he drinks watermelon juice, the way he taught me to juice it, by blending it with ice and water. He told he he purees mangos. Delicious. He needs a vitamix. I told him I ordered The Fountainhead, by Ayn Rand for him, and that I want him, to be a Howard Roark, and not a Peter Keating.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fountainhead

"Peter Keating is an architect. In the course of the book he graduates at the top of his class from an architectural college - Stanton. By way of on campus recruitment he is employed by the firm Francon & Meyers. Throughout his life he remains in this firm building his career. Keating commits treachery, deceit and even murder in order to reach the top of the firm. He is the sell out Version of Howard Roark. One is riding the coat-tails of predecessors, the easier route, the office politics of how you look in other people's eyes, the country club. The novel begins as Howard Roark and Peter Keating approach graduation at a prestigious architecture school. Keating graduates at the top of his class, while Roark is expelled and asked not to return. Interestingly enough, the early novel paints Keating as the hero."

He is going to LOVE that book.

He left. He helped me move my futon mattress on my bed to make it softer. My bed is sooooo nice, I can't believe I slept on a hard mattress before that.

This morning, I went and spent hours studying philosophy at the couches at Merrick Park. It was nice. I took photos, but my Vista Version of windows won't work with Vista and there is no driver, so you will have to wait. I took photos of the rainstorm at the top of the palm trees. I was on the top floor, outside, with coral floors and on nice couches. My real camera is still in the shop. I got a feeling it is ready now. They just have not called me. I went to a Juice bar there and watched the thunderstorm. I spent three hours there. I did. I read all this stuff about politics and libertarianism, agnosticism, and the ego.

I went to sleep last night dreaming about money. I took a nap this afternoon and had a vision, That GOLD and Diamonds were the most precious objects on the planet. Money has no meaning. It is empty and meaningless, except for what we put on it, so look at what money means to you, and you see alot of things that stop you, or get you rich. We have stories about it, since childhood.

I like Shazzie, she is nutty, just like me . I need a video camera, so I can talk about the magic of mangos. :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MklPR2B0YfQ

I am watching the 7/7 EARTH concert . Al Gore telling us all to hide under the United Nations to protect us from Global Warming. World control is what that is. Don't be fooled. Choose freedom.

I learned today that to " make money" is uniquely American. No other language had that term. It was always something to steal, loot or conquer. Creating Money is uniquely American. Let's keep it that way. Don't give the government any power to tell us how to run business or what to pay people. Definitely do not give the UN power. World Government means slavery.

My Washington DC Lawyer friend, is in London this week. I am very jealous. He just had an anti vaccine trial. I might interview him for a character in my novel, who has a job similar to his. Mbh will be in my novel too. He might be a villain. I haven't decided yet, but I will have to interview him too, about his daily life details. Pertaining to cases...and processes, or I just might look it up in the library. Anyways, DC is so nice and friendly. I am glad we are acquaintances. He is so smart. We discussed my Money dream. He knows an awful lot. I know why. We talked, when I went to his Birthday Party, in Las Vegas. His parents pushed him really hard, particularly his mother. See, you can create geniuses. Parenthood is a fulltime career. Decades. His mother took it on. There was no summer for him, but she made him learn indoors. Always studying. He said he hated it. But he is a political libertarian genius who really cares about justice and freedom. He cries when other Lawyers lie in court, sometimes. He cares about our system.

To eat today:

Orange juice thrice
2 Avocados
Big bowl of Papaya chunks
Smoothies ( 3-4) Mangos, Avocados and Dates.


Last night the guacamole monster came to me. I had 16 oz of it. Didn't sleep well, dehydrated from the salt and onions. I will give that up soon. I know what is right and wrong to eat. I like fruit the best, for me, it feels the most beautiful and I perform my best and think best. I slept on the couch dreaming of the energy of money. I love it. It cradles me. Money. Powerful. I want a gold pin of the dollar sign. Money is all that is good. Man's work and man's greatness.