There are photos in this entry that take a while to load




To eat today
I had 20 red and hairy Rambutans with grapey insides, I planted the seeds outside.
I had Avocado Gazpacho, so good, mmm Avocado, cucumbers, tomatoes, Lemon juice, mint and date. I ate this under my Avocado tree.
I had pureed 20 mangos in glasses I refrigerated, ate it all in several hours. MBH brought me a bag full of them.
I had chopped Cucumbers mixed with Avocado/Lemon juice, Mint leaf sauce. Organic stuff.
Fresh Squeezed OJ from Jamba Juice on my bike on Miracle Mile

I am re- learning how to read. I read way too slow, so I am earning to speed it up. If I am going to be a writer I have to read like an animal. Also looking up words I do not understand, like Dichotomy ( Pair, two things), Axiom (universal self evident truth), Precept
( rule of personal conduct), Epistemology ( Study of Knowledge), Arbitrary ( unreasonable; unsupported, not decided by rules or laws but by a person's own opinion) , A Priori (not supported by fact, derived by logic, without observed facts, a hyposthesis or theory), Lexicon ( vocabulary of a particular language or field, dictionary, stock of terms)

I sat outside in the sun, not for long. I started to sweat under the July Miami Sun, in the grass, in my backyard, on a towel, with my always on, constantly changing minidress. Minidresses are for me. I tried to wear jeans the other day, oh it is awful. No, I like to be free. I love them. When I moved here from Boston, I cut all my dresses into minidresses and have not gone back. It was hot today. I looked up at all the avocados hanging, while on the grass. I rode my bike to the supermarket. I read in bed. I watched a little news this morning. I was shocked to see a famous pastor, denounce Hell, and said that God told him, that Hell is created on earth by people. So hell is not when you die, but while you are alive. Uh Duh. I could have told you that, but it is cool to see a famous pastor say this on tv. He did services that Bill Clinton went to.

I am going to start writing soon. I have to make a plan, when do I want my book to be finished, and my timeline ( looking backwards and all the steps I have to take) I ordered some books. I need to start reading books in one to two days. I am going to have to, if I want to be a writer, I have to read, as well.

Also , my classes start today. I need to write my bio for the classes and introduce myself to my classmates. Life Drawing. Fun. Drawing bodies. I really want to take writing lessons, and classes. I will stay away from my professors, for sure this time.

It is my mom's Birthday today. I called her, she is on vacation in Paraguay. She was so happy. I am taking her to Award Winning Sunday brunch at the Biltmore Hotel,  when she comes back next week. 12 noon I made the reservation for. They will have some fruit salad stuff for me, I have eaten there before, lots of tables full of fruit, non sweet fruit salads. My mom is actually buddies with Juan Areco, the singer there, They are both from Paraguay, we used to have to listen to his cds all the time. He plays Paraguayan Music when she comes to brunch, which she loves.

Sunday Champagne Brunch

The grand American Sunday Brunch tradition takes on its own signature twist at the Biltmore, combining European flair, Latin exuberance and Miami's very own tropical style. Guests are served French Champagne while enjoying the bountiful buffet of seafood & caviar, carved meats, made-to-order omelets, sushi, pastas, salads, tapas, quiches, artisanal cheeses, specialty dishes, a chocolate fountain — and endless desserts. Live music preformed by Juan Areco Trio.

Location: 1200 Courtyard Grill (indoors/outdoors)
Hours of operation: Sundays 10 am — 3 pm
Phone: (305) 913-3202

I am just spendning the day studying. I am going to map out a calendar for my book writing and be really detailed about it. 1000 pages? Well, in two years, I am going to have to narrow it down, let's see how much I have to write per day if I narrow it down and plan it all out. How exciting!

I am starting to feel a fruitarian high again. Maybe its the pureed mangoes. I felt really good. Athough I do not need exercise, I should go jogging tonight. To get stronger.

/

I just got back from jogging. I feel different. I feel unusually clean. It is an unearthly feeling. I was jogging and I was really strong. I felt solid. I felt tight, I felt nothing was on me that weighed me down. My arms, they looked flawless, tan and clean. Riding home I felt like I was on air. Coral Gables at night is so beautiful. I jogged to the watertower, all lit up and landscaped. I ran by trees thousands of years old. I saw Palms that were really high. I saw houses lit up and I heard crickets. I was in the dark, jogging on grass. I felt strong. My knee no longer gives me problems. I did not run fast but did not stop once. I was in a daydream and I was comfortable the entire time. It was so refreshing!

I do , I feel clean, radiant, from inside, pure and like light. Good and healthy. It is abnormal to feel this, right. It's uncanny. Like I feel myself a pure positive. I feel like I am ok.

I see my goals. They are me working hard and creating. No longer my goals are other people, although I do need physical attention. But that comes with the rewards of hard work. I am building something. Standards. Real ones, not fake ones where you try to attain what you don't have through others, but I want to attain, an equal, in my values and thoughts, accomplishments.

I ramble, don't I? Anyways, I drank Ice cold watermelon. I feel weird. It is not normal for me to feel this content and this blissed out, this sure of my life and destiny, I am not talking abstract wishful thinking, but concrete solid security inside. Conviction. I know it as fact. I feel blessed for these ideals I hold inside. I love humankind. I want humans to be powerful, starting with me.

JULY 9

I am so tired. I got a few things out of tonight. One is that I am going to make unreasonable requests. This week, once a day I am going to. Tonight my unreasonable request was that somebody get me guarapo. I got it. I got two. One in the fridge. I guess that was not too unreasonable.

Today I learned a lesson. I put a cacao bean in my blender with dates and water. BIG MISTAKE why why why?  It was so good. But big trouble in my tummy. Would not flush down. Ached and rotted in me. I did not feel LOVE like every one says, cacao gets you. I got sick and my fruit high died out. Which , fruitarians know, is worth than losing anything because it make take days to come back. Feeling of everything better than perfect and super clean feeling. Fruit high is way way way better than cacao. I miss it. I definitely had it last night. I will never forget my memory of jogging in Coral Gables at night. Heaven. Bliss, Strength.

I got a stomach ache after that 1 cacao bean in my date shake. This fruitarian Jules got me into drinking date syrup. I thought, ewww date syrup, yuk, but it really is delicious and frothy . Fresh Dates and water vitamixed. 

I felt disconnected from people today. You see , I am so sensitive to whatever I put in my mouth. So my goal is to have a fruit high in a few days that lasts me more than a week. Everything looks good. I do the right thing in everything, I am like someone I do not know, an angel. I am truly happy 100% of the time. I have it all. I am a child, I am free. Sounds nutty, I know, but there is nothing like a fruitarian bliss, no drug, no cacao. I am more in control because I love myself. I literally, LOVE, the energy, myself.

Other than that I had an Avocado, Mango puree smoothie,  Watermelon juice, Orange juice, Avocado Gazpacho, Rambutans and Guarapo today.

Oh I got some insights, on what I want my book, when I write it, to be: I want words that I want to hear. Words that save me. Saved by Words. Words as power. Whatever I do, in regards with my book, I cannot do wrong.

I bought two, to die for, minidresses, with that new material that is so soft, and poofy 70's style sleeves. I love minidresses. Hate jeans. Love high heels. Hate anything shorter that 5 inch heels. I like my feet to be beautiful.

I watched 5 minutes of Rachel Ray's show today. sigh. Yes, I have very, very little time to myself. I need to make time. now with class starting, I have lots to read tomorrow and 4 assignments due.

Work today was ok, not after feeling a little tummy ache and DEAD. I did all my work, and hid in this room where I had a wool shawl on the floor, from India, and  sat on it and had an airplane blanket on top and I went through all the medical files, relabeled and alphabetized. I took off my shoes and everything. I liked it. I then did alot of stuff for billing and made lists.

I also looked at referrals, and tried to decipher Doctor scrawls. I deciphered this today, Menometrorrhagia
(Irregular or excessive bleeding during menstruation) I am so impressed at myself, it took me forever to get this. I put it on the report. Looked like a bunch of lines. Many things it could be. Everyone else, makes up stuff, abbreviates or guesses, or just writes
" pain", as the ordering diagnosis, and the reports have to be edited by the Doctor, and he gets angry and takes up his time. All my work is beautiful, I put such effort into each report, and I learn too! I push myself because THE MORE WORK I DO, THE MORE I LOVE MY WORK.

I wore this sweater dress today. I am eating an avocado now. I am going to pass out soon. I am going to lie down and dream of my goal. I want my goal to be everything to me, I want to work for myself. I know I have to do, instead of dream.



JULY 10

I got my fruit high back, I am going to protect it. Man, I had the best day. Everything, everything was awesome. I did excellent work, at times, I did not even know if I was going to make it. I juggled so much gracefully. I mean, stacks, mountains of patients. Medical Records Billing, reports, and patient files. Tons of them. They pile up, feet by feet. So much business, the sick business. And there is a process to all the reports and paperwork. I discovered new words. I get so excited when I see what it is, Meniscus, Baker's Cysts, Steal Sydrome, People filled with warts inside, don't even know it. Some young guy today, has a hydroseal in his testicles. I looked it up. ewww.
Anyways, my thoughts, my words, my heart is all love.

But not love for people, I discovered the LOVE one has, when NEVER, giving that love away, to anyboy. I felt the freedom, of the vacuum, It was bliss. Why give my love to losers who do not deserve it? Playboys who feign chastity, or mountains of baggage, including, body fat. I could see myself, never giving love to anybody, because well, right now nobody is worth my love. Not all of it, maybe little bits and pieces, at most. 
 I am not stuck up, that is when you are not secure, but I know for sure, what it is in life that I want.  I want to give my goals the same adoration I used to throw away, to ..people. I want what is virtous. Having wealth is virtous. Wealthy people are the most virtous. It's a myth about rich people being unhappy. Only lazy, unproductive people are unhappy.

 But I have such high goals and expectations, noone can possibly match them, I know of, yet. I have values, virtues and just, this ideal form of (wo)man I want to become. I have big dreams, I am attracted to powerful people.

 I mean, I still want a physical partner, maybe I could share bits and pieces of my love with. Tiny amounts, for a limited time..but in general, I want to give my work, and my ideals, and me, my dreams, all the love I have! Loving people is like parasitism. You want their values, and think they can be yours by osmosis. They can't.

Being with a person, IE sex, is indeed a celebration, celebrating shared values, accomplishments, and ideals, NOT a conquest, conquest of what? There is no value, in attaining people! (Conquesting people, I mean.) none. Just your kicks, and so what? Yet, kicks can be shared and enjoyed. Like attracts like.

Anyways I just stood there and I felt, what it feels like to have perfect trust and connection, with the self. Power of the self. Without other people dependence. freedom. There is space, to create.

oh, I rode my bike home grinning ear to ear. I felt close to my Lady boss, and I made my other boss really happy. I felt bad because all the girls we interviewed, that called me, I made like I was rooting for each one. When I was rooting for them all equally. Not right.

I got a $3500 monthly bill for school. I found out, I can't switch to A Writing Major, because THERE is NONE. I go to an ART School. Jut ART Majors.  What do I do? I want to be a writer, not a computer artist. I just chose that, before, because it is easy ofor me. I do not want life to be easy for me, I want it to be fun and exciting, real and the thrill of aiming for and HAVING IT ALL! I do. Anyways, I will think about what I need to do. Drop out ( I don't like the sound of that) or have it all. Be a writer and a Student

Money. I see the great pecuniary rewards and how they are gained, and naturally I am moved by an impulse to obtain the same for myself.


To eat today:

Orange juice
Avocado
Sugar cane juice
Pineapple and strawberries, barefoot, in the park, for lunch
Mamey smoothie
Orange juice
Choped fresh Dates, and avocado mashed up

I realize that when I try so hard, like to read, for example, I can't or lose focus, it is because I am trying too hard. When you try anything too hard in life, it is no longer loveable. So I want to make my work, easy and fun, and not work to hard, but get inspired. Do what is awesome and fun.

I want to write a story that takes me into ideals, and puts me where I want to be, with people I want to be around, in a book story, where I feel people are worthy.


July 11

The new Marilyn Manson CD s on, and its skipping!! Ughh. I like it, though he can be a little dramatic, it's like get a grip! You don't love anyone so much that you kill yourself, relax. In fact, you only love yourself, don't worry about it. Give up the drugs and eat better.

To eat today

Orange Juice
Avocado and Papaya chunks
Chopped Tomatoes, Avocados, Cucumbers
Orange juice
Avocado and date smoothie

My writing teacher told me to stop start sentences with "I". Hmmp. Because he doesn't like it. Well, The Fountainhead was rejected 12 times, saying it was too this or that. My blog is not the Fountainhead. No, but it's cool, J'aime the idea, Moi, can make it my own idea. Try something new. The point Suvine is making is, other people don't always know better, trust in thyself.

Work, today, endless "Yesses"..it's a river of yesses inside me.  They will make me do procedures, next. MRIs and CAT SCANS. Hmmp, Nothing important happened. Yours, truly, got a free Orange juice at Jamba Juice. By the Manager. haha. Nice. 

My body went in Jamba Juice, later, and someone asked me, what my ipod was listening to.  Suvine said, " Ayn RAND" AND this guy at the back of the line, jumped up, in front of me, " Oh my god! I haven't heard that name since College!" He told me how Atlas Shrugged, the book, changed his life, affected him GREATLY, and we gossiped. Not exactly is he is an Objectivist. He says " Ayn rand says to choose the Mind over the heart", In a disapproving way, I smiled and said, " So?" . Really, why not? Why is our brain bad, isn't that anti life? Anti human?

Human minds are great! Am all for the brain. Why do people lose their heads?  Anyways, he knew alot, gossipped a bit, about her life and lovers. My email was given to him. Ayn Rand is a topic Suvine loves discussing, for hours, but alas, had to go back to work. My mouth,  told him the Movie was coming out. He didn't believe me, with Angelina Jolie, a big Ayn Rand fan.

We have to get Financial Aide for School. No like to pay all that money, It's like for what? To take a class on Color? I want to be a writer!! I have to think about what I am getting into if I ask for a loan. It's not much I have to pay back probably, like 100 bucks a month or something, until I die.

I saw on the news today, a 2 year old girl on Ecstasy pill. Her eyes were flipping back and forth and she was in a corner. Someone videotaped it. Bad trip, I am sure. Disturbing, Disgusting. I can't believe I used to like that stuff. Criminal and evil. Let people die if they want to , but not give it to beautiful little girls. People self destruct, why? Choose Life. Choose freedom.

My place is a mess. I have no time. My Selp Coach called. I am like the worst person to be coached. But she was good. I am so independent. Alot of my life is a story, dealing around time. I work 12 hour days, got to school, and then sleep. I say this like a record player. Anyways, she inspired me, and I know this story, is just that, a story, then all of a sudden , I had time!! Hours of it. I have been free all night.

When making choices, I make good and evil, black and white, and it is easier making good choices and it's surprising that even in my own mind I pick the best choice, in every conscious decision. Amazing
My doodle: I think it is a Christmas reindeer , eating gooseberries from Paris. I wonder what it means?


I can't say I had any insights today. Maybe that it feels beautiful to work, and my goal looms bigger in my mind. I need to start . Tomorrow. Make a decision and act on it. Figure out what is up with school.

/

JULY 13

I had a weird day. I woke up two am and had a nightmare, I was beating up MBH's new beautiful fiancee. He has none, but in my dream, he did. I broke her nose. That is something I never want to do, it was a real nightmare, because that is such a scary thought. I would never hurt anybody or mess with their free will. He does not have a fiancee but in my dream, he did. I felt betrayed, because he swore to me he would never get married, ever. In my dream, he did. I felt all these lies and walls,  so unique to him,  and I freaked out in my dream.

Not that I care. I don't. In fact, when he called me yesterday, I really didn't want to talk to him. I am surpsied, but I don't anymore.

Maybe this dream symbolized, the end. The real end.
I am crying now. It really hurts. Good and Evil...I need to pick, good meaning, what furthers my life, what choices furthers my life, is good, and that which doesn't, what hinders me, is evil.

I am strangely sad today. We can be life long friends, but I am going to attach myself to my goals , dreams, and ideas. That will have value to me.

MAGRITTE

 I was in Barnes and Nobles on my lunch break. I studied Magritte. This Surreal Painter. He did so many beautiful paintings. I would paint like him, on my new easel MBH sold me for 50 $.

I thought today, that my mind is everything. I can rely on it to give me all this information I need to get anything I want. I cannot wait to start my novel. You know the best ideas are what moves men.

I am quitting Art School and going to Writing/objectivist school. 4 years learning stuff I like. I applied last night. Art Institute better give me my money back for this semester! I paid cash, was not on financial aid.

I ate these past two days nothing but:

Peaches
Smoothies with avocado and dates
tomatoes/cucumbers/red peppers in avocado lemon mint SAUCE
Sapodilla
Grapes
Papaya chunks
Tons of OJ

This guy M, keeps calling me. Its ridiculous. He told me he "loves me" the other day, I am sure he meant this in a friendly way. He goes on how I exude class and sophistication. he tells me such nice things. He gave me a ride home twice from my class in Fort Lauderdale. He rides around in a Rolls Royce, has a daughter who owns a house, on my street, lives at a Yacht club and is in Lending money.  Why do I get the eccentric ones in love with me? I feel weird. He is older than me, and says he is anemic and got it from his mother. UGHHH, I hate when people are stupid.  I am cold,  Because I am cold. I feel cold hearted. I have rejected him many times, but he is in my class. I have to see him. He calls and asks me out to dinner.

Yesterday, I watched my boss lady flash a nice Rolex her husband earned for her. Today it was a new watch, the kind you see in Ocean drive Magazine. I think about these things.  But I could never sell out and have a man work for me. I want to be everything myself. I want to earn a Rolex, with my own money I make with my own brains.. The right way.
 
It's funny, at work, girls think they need to stay at home, and be a mother. Depend on a man? Oh that is so just like everybody else. It is not good and healthy for the kid either, to see his parents as lazy stay at home role models. They used to say women were bad to work, during the Industrial Revolution, but before women worked, they could not afford a pot to cook in. Death by Starvation was rampant. I read that in a book about Capitalism.

The mammography nurse has an excellent relationship with her daughter and has two jobs. I told her , she is my heroine. I think it is just a job to her, though. if work was her passion, her work, her business, it would be even better.

I felt a little sad today. I want to cry, I don't know why, maybe I am sad. I am going to be independent and make my own way. I am going to write tonight. I am never going to stop. I bought a big journal book and got all these fountain pens. I want to create a world worthy to be in.

I feel so clean, inside on this fruit diet. I do. I feel good, and for lunch breaks I go an suntan. It was boiling hot today, but I felt good. Heat, I love now. It feels good. It's the air conditioning at work, that is the devil.  I hate it. I love walking down this stairwell, because it's warm.

I got this notepad from the Humane Society, with little farm animals on it, and my name. I love it. I was writing the Doctor's notes all day with them. I was looking at the roosters, cows, chickens and pigs all having fun together.

Work 7 am to 7 pm, really took its toll today. I read 200 reports and electronically signed the Doctor's name on each one. But that was not interesting enough for me. I had to look up terms I did not know in the Medical dictionary. Cardiomegaly ( big heart), Infiltrates ( cancer stuff), Tracheotonomy ( fake breathing tubes what 50 % of the patients have, secretly) names for muscles and parts of bones, names of bone growing like cancer, collapsed Lungs ( Pneumothorax) , it went on and on, Feces lodged in large bowel, blocking views of this and that spine bone. What kind of devil work is this hahahaha.  Humans are monsters. And they are all hiding it.  Cooked food really is poison. I even get young girls begging for appointments and they had fatty livers, I see and all this bad stuff. Hmm I wonder how they got fatty liver? A million people walk around with catheters all in our society. I see it. Mountains and Mountains of clients, all willing to pay anything for a clue.

/

MBH came over, and he left 10 minutes later, saying he made a big mistake. One am he shows up. I go to use the bathroom and he comes in trying to stick his dick in my face. Literally. Almost forcing me to rub against it.  I am feeling bad to begin with.

I don't know, I thought that was really rude. He tried to feel me up. I refused. He pressured. He said he didn't want to wrestle anymore. Neither do I.

We moved to the bed. I fought with his roving hands. I tried to hug him. His sunburned body. His lips looked dehydrated. I wondered where he went, on a work day, and with whom. He wanted so bad to have sex for no reason besides that he wants it. Then I asked him, " Tell me why I should?", He sighed and looked away. He could find no reason. He didn't like the questions, made like I was ruining the moment. Like I was the rotten apple. I asked him, " What good are you for me?". He told me, with conviction" I am not good for you, and you are not good for me." I then asked him, " Then, why are you going against your principles and coming over, if I am not good for You,  just because you do not want to be alone?" he got mad at this,  He said, " IIII don't have to be alone!". Implying he is so great girls just want to do anything for him.

I then asked him, if he is my friend, why does he go everywhere and never take me? The Police concert, New York City, The beach.. He told me I have a million boyfriends and they should be the ones to take me out. I don't, Not one boyfriend I have. He started to get mad.  he said I should be happy to see him. I begged the question, " WHY Should I be happy to see you,?" Yet HE COULD NOT find one reason why I should be happy to see him at 1 am, trying to fuck me for no reason. He made like I was the one with the problem.

Why not? Well tell me WHY I SHOULD. Tell me why it would benefit my life to have you in it. He could not find one reason to give me and left. He said, " Just like you don't need me, I dont need you." I cried. I told him, "what is life worth living if every girl will just let you fuck them, for no reason?". I mean, don't you have to earn love, to have any sort of value? (you do!) I have not heard from him, in ages. He rejects all offers to do things, then he shows up, expecting me to just give him sex? For nothing? Yes, he does. He does not think I am right for him, but he still comes over, it just blows my mind. the waste. No purpose, no goals and no values, just sex because I feel like it, whenever, with whoever I feel.  "Because my looks alone, have value", he believes. They don't. His looks are worth nothing to me. It's whats inside, that counts. To me at least.  What's inside him, I feel, I feel nothing to be proud of. But I could be wrong and ask him to show me, all the time, some kind of virtue, heroism, worth.

I am not upset that he left. I was alone before he came, and now it's the same. I like solitude far better than selling out on my principles. Cheating myself of what I really want in life.

 I just don't know what he sees in me, why is he coming over here at 1 am, only interested in sex. We were in  a relationship years ago.. He is always, always, claiming all other guys, my friends, want me just for sex, but he doesn't, he really likes me. That's what he says. Those are his words. It feels like a sham. I wish he would give it up. I ask him, "Just tell me why I should have meaningless sex with you, that I don't want" and he has no answer. None. He goes blank. I then say, then you agree with me, that there is no good in this? Tell me, what good are you for me? Nothing. I say these things begging for an answer, please give me an answer, so I know. But there is none.

Why? have I been wrong in believing in our friendship, our love? It has turned into self destruction. I hope he cleans up his act. This cocky playboy thing is really disgusting. No points scored. Not with me. I have to be hard on him, otherwise, I am telling him his behavior is ok. It's not, it's really cowardice and shameful. I am just as guilty if I let him get away with it.. And I don't want to be. I want to stand up for him. Hold him to be better, in life.


JULY 14th


Mango trees everywhere in my neighborhood






This is me today at City Cellar in the Gables, on Miracle Mile. My $270-Tachyon Necklace is on, and my bracelet E got for me. I got the $40 dress at Cristi's Corner by Ponce de Leon.



We are going jogging tonight. She jogs with me in the mornings, but now I work 7 am so we have to do it at night.

She wants me to join the Granada Country club, her uncle made her a member by relations, so we can do all this stuff, like play tennis and use the gym. I don't know. I am not sure I want to commit to anything yet. I still have 7 massages paid for, I need to recieve, at the University of Miami gym.



What I ate, (when I go out to eat I usually get seasonal fruit without the cheese and bread, please)



I love chopped tomatoes and cucumbers when I go out to eat. Everybody has them.



Rambutans, I used to live with meat eaters so I had to write that on my cutting board.



Avocados are is season.  In MY backyard I have a tree.



Here is raw Avocado Gazpacho underneath an Avocado tree in my backyard. I did not add garlic or salt.

 

Avocado cream with mint and chopped Cucumbers



Avocado Lemon cream with Tomatoes, red pepper, and Cucumbers



Avocado, mint and date smoothie with rambutans



At the juice place
It is a little scary. Orange Juice dangerous?


Miami rain, I think I was studying Philosophy that day, and this was my view, I was under a roof, so I was not wet.



 at the Mall


Cherimoya Tree in neighbor's yard



http://www.flickr.com/search/?q=suvine&w=all

OH My GOD, today I wrote so much, I got so inspired, I wrote about everything, the area, Coral gables, characters I like and admire. If I am going to take inspiration from real life, I better start living better that's for sure.

I am throwing out a billion things in my apartment that don't serve me. No offense, but my mom likes to bring over stuff and decorate. And she is Latin..so I got a lot of fake flowers and knick knacks. I could never find the courage to throw them out. I found it. I don't want the stuff. Remodeling.

I realize, what I do alot..is I look down to alot of people, and then in turn, I am looked down upon, by my heroes, or people I admire, and I feel rejected, just like I reject people. That is a mirror. When I feel people are unworthy, that is how I feel about myself. So, that means, I have to be a clearing for other people's greatness, and genius, in order to see it in myself.

I pretend that I am worldy, money, men, success and glamour, to hide that I feel less than people. I feel worthless. It's all a part of my act, in the world, protecting me from pain. yet its a cycle, that repeats itself. I do, even when going out to lunch with my 19 year old friend, I thought of her much less than me, in brains, and when I am around men I admire, I feel they think I am less than nothing.

Inside that world , it is a very isolated lonely world. I see the impact that has had on me.

I am going to give that up. I am creating the Possibility of RELATEDNESS and FRIENDSHIP. That means that I want to create being around people who admire me and I admire them. Wow. Being with my people. Finally!!!

I can't wait to tell my friend tonight, when we go jogging at 7 pm. She is back from Puerto Rico. We had lunch at CITY CELLAR, which is a very fancy place, on Miracle Mile,  in Coral Gables. I am glad we went. There I am again, pretending, even to myself, that I am worldly , hiding that I am dumb and poor. I mean, I really feel like that underneath the fantasy I tell myself.

From now on, I look down at noone. I give that up. I search for genius and greatness. Including accepting, my own greatness. Life is a mirror. How you treat others, is how you treat yourself inside. Amazing how some of us our tortured, when it is how we treat others , and the act we believe in. Our act is so real, we could find proof that is it. But it's all in the head. It keeps you in a place of pain, if you let it. Which people do.

I was pretty judgemental of MBH last night. I want to make it right. I can't live in a world where I feel I am better than people. And the flipside where others I admire, are better than me, in my own eyes. I want people like me, to be my friends. I want my kind, I want friendship and relatedness with my own kind. I do believe not all men are equal though. Maybe we all have the potential, but we are not the same. Alot of us are miserable and unhappy and alot of us are happy and wealthy.

 /

I was just in the best fruit high ever. this was phenomenal. I went jogging. Oh The sunset was so beautiful. I saw beautiful purples and golds. I saw trees, with the reflection of the gold sun, on them, and beautiful trees hanging down, and these flowers, that smelled so good, like gardenias. Loops of vines, tall palms, fat plams, everything was so perfect. I saw a house with a labyrinth in their front yard, That is a maze of bushes. I saw fountains, I saw leaves, and real beauty. I felt happiness. I felt I was in a place that I truly belong. I felt love of life.I rode my bike home and it got even better. All the buildings are so pristine and flawless in Coral Gables. It is a city that loves to work, and loves life. I feel the highest values here, and am inspired by the integrity of this city.


7/15

The past two days I have had

smoothies with cherries , avocados, and dates
tomatoes, cucumber salad
Papaya
Grapefruit
peaches
banana and strawberry smoothies

Today I turned on the news, there was this freak, who said he had OCD. He would count, in his head,  how

much money he spent, as he spent it, all the time, and he wanted to kill hiself.

Anyways,  so this Doctor, this guy, on tv, trying so hard to fake compassion, with this telltale-mocking-

feel-sorry-for smile, like he cared about this guy, was interviewed, as a saint. He implanted, in his

hopeless geek's brain, electrodes, deep inside his brain, and then implanted two pacemakers in his chest,

attached to the things in his brain, to give his brain electricity. And the news reporters are calling it,

"GROUNDBEAKING SURGERY!" They are flattering this Doctor, telling him he is doing such great work. At the

end of the report, the reporter said, " He still has OCD symptoms, but he reports, the surgery is a big

improvement!".Ha! Am I the only one who thinks that is crazy?

Oh, well, if it says its ok on tv, then it has to be

ok, if it is good enough for society, then it is good enough for me! They are showing this fat guy, with

implants in his brain now, playing with his kids...healed, saved..just with pacemakers in his chest, and

frankenstein equipment in his brain. Wow, I am so impressed. Quick fix. I want a set. I think obsesively about fruit.

My mom's plane is stuck in Brazil, so our Sunday Champagne brunch is canceled. I ordered her a raw food

dinner, catered to my house, Monday night. I got her raw vegan entrees and for me, Mango Pudding, Mango

soup, Fruit salad and some other fruit dishes.

I am going to the Mango Festival today, at Fairchild Tropical Gardens.

I got a call last night from my Lawyer friend, in London, England, who is defending someone who was punished for

speaking out, against the medical community for something that was really wrong.. I blabbed on and on about why Minumum wage requirements actually makes us all poorer, and

encourages illegal hiring, and how economics should be separated from state control, just like religion, .

..and found 5 minutes later , the phone call got disconnected, and here I was going on and on and on..it was

funny. For a long time, I blab. At the end , I was like, " hello? Hello". He is so nice to me, and a real hero, in life. He is so great and always treated with the best respect, even when I rejected him physically.

That amazes me. He is just a friend to me, I will never be romantic with him, only as friends who thinks like me.. His brain is amazing. Right now it feels like he is my only friend.

I want more people like him in my life. I have to go out and meet them, especially if I need characters for my book.

July 16 Mom's Birthday party

In trying to do the right things, I find, I am learning what not to do, alot. I have made such progress. Yet today, I fell back a little.

 I was supposed to go to The Biltmore for lunch with my mom. I wanted to go there, for me. I love it there. Her plane was stuck in Brazil. So I thought, well, Monday, when she arrives, I could hire this catered chef. I promised this raw vegan chef I would hire her a week ago, by accident. I changed my mind, I didn't want to hire her, but she emailed me, and I remembered I promised. Plus it was for my mom. I knew I didn't want it. I went against myself, so I wouldn't hurt her feelings. I knew it was a mistake. It was a disaster.

It led to many bad things after that. You cannot go against yourself, even a little. Anyways, I forgot that I had am awesome class on monday. Instead of cancelling, I listened to what my mom wanted to do, she wanted me to cancel my class, and eat food with her. I agreed, and said, " Sure, ok", when I didn't want that. I listened to others, rather than what I wanted, another mistake. Anyways, I wanted to cancel, again, with mom, later, like, say I would take her out to eat another day, but she had no cell on her, and my entire day was spent redialing her, angry.

So for dinner,  we sat at home, me missing my awesome class, and my mom didn't really want to be there, trying to sneak out, for being so tired, because she has not slept for two days, her airplane fiasco. Dreadfully boring and miserable. The food, there was fruitarian dishes, but alot of it had spices, now I feel very, dehydrated unhappy, tired, disappointed, and my mom is gone. I feel I wasted time and money and missed a class. Some birthday present to my mom. I did buy her a gorgeous necklace at Fairchild Tropical garden Gift shop. I will post a pic of it here tomorrow.

 I listened to my mom talk about, how her dream is to "retire grandiosely". I got angry inside, "Retire from WHAT!?", I thought, She just got off vacation. UGH
I do not want to be like that. I want to be more like my dad. Workaholic business man. The right way.

I don't really think she liked the food which I got just for her, and it was 60 bucks for a few dishes. Wow. I am sad. All this because I sacrficed myself for others.  I learned. I knew I was making a mistake, I just had that hunch that this is not what I wanted to do, but I said , " yes" I have to be really prepared next time I know, I do not want to say yes.

I did talk to my dad today. He is going to be on tv July 28th at 10 pm on the Arts and Entertainment channel. ( A&E) Oh my god, I am so excited. The show is called, "Confessions of a Matchmaker" . It is a reality dating show. Me and him think alot alike. He is my twin. I just happen to have some mom in me, as well. He called me by my real, real name and told me I was  special, and he loves me. I love him too, we are a team.

I got all these books in the mail, and I gave my mom half my apartment. I want to be a writer and I want everything, to direct me, to that goal. I am learning about writing. About topic sentences, and also how not to repeat words in paragraphs. Like, the way I started this paragraph,  NOOOO, WRONG, here, Un-uh!!! FAILED,  no pass. It is a really bad, topic sentence. I am not supposed to write like this, but this is a blog, not a paper.

Please, I commit myself to me. I do, I honor me. I will make an effort to do what pleases me, and not so I can make others happy, but that will be a side effect. I have always loved people who love themselves. It's attractive.

Work today was awesome, as usual. Long, and I wished I was writing instead. Maybe I can get a job doing screenplays. I need great ideas, I need to invent them. I have to learn how. I need to start writing about ideas, noble ones, people who overcome obstacles, that is what I like. I want to write about greatness, and how weakness is evil. I have to start looking at man as  an incredible being with potential for....unbelievable power.