Mariela's fruit soup, delish

 

I got this for my mom's birthday



Hey Lady I like your t shirt




Flowers so pretty and pink, like the color of my moods




Cool books




Cool Tree I saw. man, there are so many cool trees



Look at this bench, cool huh, nice to sit at on a nice summer day year round here in Miami




Come to Miami and eat what is normal here, no peaches or apples in this town. I bet you never ever looked at fruit like this before



My very first mango tree!!!




I got to school, my major is : Mangos




I wrote , my story  in a real Butterfly garden. They are hard to photograph.




and sat in Butterfly chairs, I did, look:




And an iguana rode by me, I chased it with my camera



and this lizard checked me out



Mango and ice smoothies





I met the authour of this book, he was dressed funny



I looked straight up and I saw this




Aloe Patch and a baby mango. I take photos of these things as if they were people




Baby papayas



Mexican mangos
included is man



mango art



Famous chef making Green mango salad




Another cool tree. I stop and am like WOW when I see a cool tree. I see alot of cool trees.






I ate today

Quart of watermelon juice
Rambutans
Smoothie banana , date and strawberry
Avocado
Grapes
Pico de gallo, ugh, I just wanted to sit on Miracle Mile. Bad excuse, I don't even like it anymore. It's    tomatoes, lemon juice and some onion. ughh I don't want it anymore.
Orange juice ( 3 times at Jamba Juice )

I felt pleasure today and happiness. Giddy Giddy happiness. My period is coming, I am in a very loving mood, I am like a soft purry cat. I feel I have dreams of me, not others, being satiated, for once. I am the one who gets what she wants. It's like self worship. I do things for me, I am amazed, how much of my life I spent thinking about other people, and obsessing about some movie star, or band member. Why is it considered wrong to love yourself? It's good.

Long story. anyways oh today was awesome. I took it easy, I noticed brand new chairs in the office, leather, but I can't really say anything. I could, but no, I will sit on dead animal skin. Maybe I will say something, and get my other chair back. I can say "I am an animal activist, and I can't sit on my murdered friends' skin". No, something less offensive. That I don't like how it feels.

Me and the Mammography tech, ate Rambutans, she never had one before ( The other day, she asked me what the PEACH, I had, was) and she brought in apple and fed me some. We laughed alot. We made plans to go to the beach with her daughter this weekend. I took a photo of her with the Doctor's cell phone. She started sweating trying to figure out how to delete it. I was laughing too. This woman called me today. She said, she has a stain on her breasts that keeps getting bigger, and she was told she needs a mammogram. I was trying to stay calm. UHGHHH people! It's a horror show.

I answered the Dr.'s cell phone, when he wass in procedures.  I took other Doctor's, well, kind of rude messages. Doctor's are very busy people who want, what they want, all the time, and they are difficult on the phone sometimes. It's like they are always in a rush, can't be bothered repeating themselves, and if you don't speak perfect Spanish , they get an attitude about it.

Before he left, the Dr. came upstairs and sat in a couch in the waiting room on the second floor , and I walked by. He asked me if I was a vegetarian. He said he wanted to know, because if him and his wife took me out to eat, where would they go? I can't see his wife wanting that, but it was nice, I smiled and stood there , sweaty, from bike riding, in a mini dress bubble bottom style, and high heels. Instead of shutting up, like I always do, I told him, "I like fruit". He gave me Doctor's advice about 8 food groups or something. I just smiled. I think I am ok. I stood there looking beautiful. I told him, "I love the way I feel when I eat fruit". My hands slowly rubbed my sides. I felt good. I was talking to myself. I told him my favorite thing is guarapo. He got a haircut and looked so good. I then ran back to my area  and started working, feeling..impotent. I wanted to talk more to him, like a friend, but I am at work, in work situation.

I got so mad today. It turn out somebody has been helping out with my work, making a ton of mistakes and not initialling papers, so I have no idea who it is, and I look bad, like, I cannot spell, when it is a mystery person who is messing up my work. I don't need help. I like things perfect. UGHH. I am too nice to be a boss, but if I am going to be boss, I am going to have to tell people what to do. I have been practicing alot. I am nice though.

Today the Doctor, and another one,  could not spell, "Eventration", which means a protruding tumor in the intestines, for a report, and they both came to me, and I figured it out in under a minute. Everyone says I am so fast with everything. I am, and I take on any responsibility and do it better than anyone else. 

I have high heels and when I walk around you hear CLOCK CLOCK CLOCK CLICK CLICK CLICK. I stomp sometimes for fun. I brought in all this old tea I found in my apartment, for the kitchen. There I go again starting every sentence with an "I".

I am sitting here in my room, I love my bedroom, you can smell heaven here, It's under my blankets, the bed of many secrets, and future place of ecstasy. Passion, happiness and hard work.

My mom called today. It was ok.

JULY 18
Wednesday

HI

I was lying in bed watching "Criminal Minds" for a while. Why the obsession with crime? Maybe, it makes us feel, like someone out there is expressing our collective anger and hate.

Today was interesting. I typed out an invoice, based on a sample business one online, for $10,500 to a hospital. When the Doctor dictated this to me, he looked closely, at my face. It was unmoved. 10 grand is not alot for me, at all. $250,000 would impress me. But I didn't show that I was not impressed too much. It was for a procedure, a small one he is doing tomorrow. I got a fax back, " APPROVED". Awesome.

I also have noticed the steady climb in patients, in sick people. I carry heavier stacks of folders everyday. I have more work, and more learning to do. I notice this, unless maybe this is seasonal rush.

Some woman vomited, black vomit today, all over, wouldn't stop. It happens often. I made a nice sign for the bathroom, that it was closed, and I took a peek. She was really loud. I heard her retching and then panting, my god, I thought, she really is falling apart. What a tragedy.

Today the Doctor saw my desk, the clutter and mess,  and told me he is going to get me an Office. Nice, I want a window in my room, with the sun shining in.

It's funny, in Miami Doctors use a lot of Medical Spanish. I see, and try to translate, and it's Spanish, so it is harder. Words like LUMBALGIA and HEMICRANEAL are not in Medical Dictionaries.

Today I ate ( light because of my wonderful period. I feel like a real woman on it)

I had Watermelon juice, Orange juice. Banana and avocado for lunch. For dinner, I had chopped Strawberries and  Dragon fruit and covered in date syrup ( blended dates and water). I had a Strawberry, banana and date smoothie with some ginger.

I got Orange Juice, a Large one, for free today, by these two girls, at Jamba Juice. I bounce in there and I see them both smile. They get excited to see me and so do I. We talk about ideas and then I leave.

I love work, because I love doing exceptional work. I love doing more than I know how and learning...and then accomplishing.
My friend at work is white out. I use it so much. I do everything. I do. The bosses even mention I should start doing procedures, as a joke. I said, " Ok", seriously. I would. Well, maybe cutting people open I would like to do, but not radiation. I would like to see the shit inside that people cannot see.

When my dad was a kid, he wanted to be an embalmer. I have it in me. I feel it would be a rush, seeing bodies and all the junk, acid and filth inside. Sadness for humanity. Peace and a kind of wisdom, knowing the god inside me. The god that is me. I think I will be a writer and just write about it.

I got a book on writing today, and a book on Epistemology.
I had a cup of honey chamomile tea today, I was so cold from the air conditioning at work. The cleaning lady sees I get barefoot and I sit cross legged at my desk, with feet on the chairs, and blanket, and she goes, " You think you are on the beach?" Sometimes I grab another chair and lay out. blankets around me, at my desk. I think if I am going to be there 12 hours, I have to be comfortable. Right? All I need is a room to take a nap in for lunch time. I do, I can use the filing room, but I like to sleep in the park, in the sun, instead.

My mom came over and brought me gifts. Nice, I like them, a wooden bead necklace and hemp purse. Also two watermelons, yeah!! I gave her some bibelots.

My mind is everything. I am everything to me, I love myself. What great ideas are those. I want to earn heroism. How? By writing a novel that moves people? Yes!

JUNE 19

Today my day was ruined by selling out an inch. The natural thing to do was to be mad at this girl and go around telling people I hate her, but it is not anyone's fault I sold out on myself, and went against what I wanted.

Girl came and asked me something, If she could help me, I did not want her to, because her work sucks and she takes over and ruins my flow, I said, " Sure" with a smile. I was pretending I was nice hiding that I am so annoyed. Anyways, long story, it was bad, I almost went home sick from the stress of it. It spiraled out and got worse and worse. Annoying, annoying, and just tension.

I took a break and realized I gave my power away, by pretending I was nice and agreeing to something I did not want to do. I should have said, " No Thanks, I don't need help, if you want to help, go do this..but not here at my desk" and stuck to myself.

It ruined my day. In fact, I felt lower than that girl, who I then hallucinated, she was in the Doctor's favor and everything..

So Lesson is, to never ever do what you don't want to do inside or give anyone else power.  Unless they deserve it from you. Don't be nice when you do not like someone. That's fake.

The Doctor asked me what was wrong, I had my head down. I was a wallflower. I said , I ahad my period, but I did not mention girl.  He told me to go home early and not punch out, that they would pay me for the day. I stayed. It's not work I don't like. It was me. I felt the IMPACT on selling out, to be nice, or because someone asks you something. I felt I betrayed my own happiness. I felt the stress and anger destroy me, because in this world, there is only me, and I give our power away, it is evil. Like a hole in my force field.

When I was angry ( when that happens, things around me break or I get into accidents) I wound up accidentally spilling ink on my dress, without seeing it, and when I was riding my bike, I saw a car crash. Like a reflection of me) the car broken across a sidewalk.

I am also on my period today.

I ate
Orange juice ( I got another free juice at Jamba Juice, a large one, the second day in a row)
rambutans
avocado
watermelon juice
 I was really not that hungry, but I am craving a thai coconut.

I long to read. I am rereading ATLAS SHRUGGED for the 3rd time. Knowing that book, has characters so magnificent I want to live inside that world. I want to work for Taggert Transcontinental and know, just SEE Francisco D'anconia, with my very eyes, to know that human greatness is really possible. I wish I knew more of John Galt, the hero, but I definitely like Hank Reardon. Hank is like me today, he is truly great, but he sacrificed himself just a little, and it snowballed.

I want to make love to someone great. Powerful. Strong.

My other boss asked me if we should raise the prices of the procedures, because word of mouth says other companies charge double for some procedures. I said,
" YEAH" with no guilt whatsoever. My boss lady smiled, as if I was in on her little secret. The secret of pride and worth, of value. Pride is noble, I believe.

MMMM, mmm I took some notes on writing. I am reading a book on writing. I want to write. I LOONG TO WRITE. I do.

I may work this weekend and get these rooms all straighted out that are a mess. We need to hire another girl.

Since my mom took Landmark I do not recognize her, she is going out alone business wise, cutting out her partner. Not renewing her business registration. I am proud of her. I told her, let's never depend on others, but ourselves. I meant, not having business partners as friends, I said, "Pay,  charge, work, and hire for things, and don't accept nor give favors, in  business, there is a worse price for that".


I had the most beautiful day. I loved myself today. Especially after the XRay tech brought me Guarapo, sugarcane juice, on his lunch break. I was so happy. I had Watermelon juice for breakfast. I ate some figs. They irratated my throat and ears, last night, too, felt waxy in my ears. People at work never had one before.

Today I was awesome. The Doctor brought up vegetarianism again, while a CT Tech girl ( the one I don't like) and a Mammo tech and a Nurse were at his sides, trying to ask him questions. In front of everyone, we stared at each other, before he met my eyes, his gaze followed up my dress, undressing me, my chest , my face. I was hypnotized. For what seemed like placated waves of eternity, I felt time burn up, a rush, and my head swell. Our eyes met, and he was smiling. Who would look away first? He was staring at me. I was looking at him. I could not answer his questions. He asked what I ate when I went out. I could not think. It was as if, I saw his smile and the way he looked at me, and I was, either on a fruitarian rainbow, or a guarapo high. Maybe this was something else. It was everything. I laughed, along when he laughed, eating my face up with his eyes. I stared. I felt connected. Anyways, it didn't matter, it was cool.

He was very well dressed today, it was unusual. Preppy, liked I liked it. His hair was cut, and he looks his best.

Later, he was talking to me again, His wife came, I was still under the drug, and they both were talking to me, and he was staring, and she was staring. He was telling her about me, still looking at me, and she was asking me to do something and they were both talking to me. Weird. Beautiful, They are both very attractive, but I respect him way more.

Anyways, the other Doctor and him came back to my desk. Doctor #2 I will call LMNOP, and the first, ABCD.
I told them I like avocados. Dr. LMNOP said that Avocados have so much cholesterol in them that if you ate them all the time, you would die in 6 weeks. SIGH. Intelligence. It's ok, not everyone has their PHD in Fruit, like I do. I smiled. I told them I like Gazpacho, when they walked away the Mammo Tech laughed, she screamed, " ahahah Sooovine! Everybody is crazy about you ahahahah!!!"

I got a free 8 oz thing of chopped tomatoes at the Mexican place. I mixed it with an avocado. Second time this week, I got it for free. This girl just followed her manager's orders and didn't charge me, I ate it outside.

I feel the absolute best. Now I can say I am a perfect fruitarian.The height of all pleasure. Beauty sex love goddess is me.

I went to Jamba Juice this morning. I am wearing an awesome awesome dress.

my day was heaven. It was, it went by fast. For lunch I went sunbathing in the park. I went to check my PO box. I wore thigh high pantyhose under my dress so I could be warmer at work, It worked.

I have to say, I so thankful, to fruit. It has given me so much joy, and life. I feel normal on fruit. I feel my best.

/

My mom wants to borrow $100 from me. She mentions all the times she comes and picks up my clothes to wash for free. GUILT. Remember, I wrote here in my diary to never accept favors, or free stuff, it always comes with a spiritual price. Nothing is for free. I want to live guilt free. Everything inside me screams "No". I mean, all this stuff, all these cases of fraud against her, her son stealing from her, her business partner stealing, and now she wants to extend this into me, thru lending, which along with credit, is pretty shady business. I told her, ' Mom, you always have issues with money, and I don't want to lend money, but I will hire you for something. " 

I did, I told her, " MOM, I do not want you to be lowered to this,  BORROWING! I mean, she STILL owes me for 5 grand from a long time ago, I stopped asing for it, because, she is my mother..She says, " but honey, IT's NOT  MY FAULT.. I have money it's just the fraud case, shut my bank account, until Monday, it's not my fault, X stole money from me, It's not my fault,  I got scammed on craigslist, It's not my fault, my X stole the money, I gave him for something else.. you see, It's not me!!". I said, ' Wake up to reality,  Mom, this always happens, someone always robs you, it's about time you take responsibility, and use your brain, to keep your money together, and protect it." She said " Amen to that!"...
I do not want to be spiritually attached to this energy. I don't want to lend her money and feed her irresponsibilty and blame.

She is a " poor victim", and here I am feeding her story, that destroys her. Not feeding the truth, which is she is 100% responsible for it all.

So I hired her as maid service, three times to clean my place spotless. Honestly, I know she feels much better earning it. It's an even exchange. Honestly, I was going to hire my cleaning lady at work to clean my place once a week. Now I just got my mom  do it for 20 dollars cheaper a pop.

I have to think about my policy, I know she will ask me again for money.

My issue, after this one last time, is going to be a "NO", to lending money, or even no to hiring services, when I do not truly want to. I want a mom I can be proud of, not a parasite. I pay people for what they do for me. I exchange and barter for things.

/

I realized not to care about my mom, her problems, her issues and anyone elses but my own.

What is more important than money? Brain energy! We as people think we waste money, HA, think of the brain energy wasted, on giving unwanted advice, on telling people what they should do,  thinking about how others fail, and think about others problems, and what should be done. Brain energy is precious.  Brain energy is gold.

That same energy focused on me, my career, my business and life would do wonders.
 

Let's just say, my mom's life, is well, alot of contradictions, I try to fix, but I can't fix them , nor her. I need to just say to myself, what furthers my life here, and what hinders it, and act accordingly.

She agrees with all I say, until she brings Jesus in the picture. I try to reason with her, and she then agrees or not. Then I wonder if anything I said made any difference. I know, how I hate to take advice. I hate it. Why should others like mine?

I argue with her. She supports, financially,  all her relatives in Paraguay, who instead of helping, they want more, become demanding, and say, " HMMPH!! Who does she think she is!".

 She tries to tell me the good in what she does, the good of giving, like it says in the Bible. To share is good, is right, is humane. I say, " Mom, that is like Cuba, everybody shares and noone has anything."

She has value to me, because of her cleaning skills. She is now also my laundry worker. I pay her 15 dollars a week for my laundry. That is pretty much it right now. She is my mother, too.

I refuse anything free anymore, even groceries, I make it clear how it is going to be. She likes it. She does. I want to do the right thing in my life, and this is it. I want to be up high, free and focused on me. Not a slave to guilt, and other people.

I admit, she is a good cleaner, that is the only thing that is missing in my life. Cleanliness. I work, study and read, and the rest of the time, I sleep, ha! If I could attain cleanliness in my place, that would be a miracle. I am looking into cleaning myself sometimes. I think cleanliness is a sign of perfection.

I had banana and cherry, avocado smoothie. I ate an avocado. I ate half a watermelon. I had 2 guarapos.

/

My mom is an amazing worker, I watched her dust in between my bed posts. I watched her cut out gunk in my carpet.

 We made a deal. She would clean my place once a week for $25 dollars, and laundry, for $15 a week. She folds and hand washes my dresses, and irons, as well. Now we have a situation that works for everyone. I am so happy.

I ordered her food. I got her salmon, steamed veggies and a salad. I treat her generously. She ate it and had to rest, to digest. I eat and I don't have to rest, in fact, I have more energy, feeling replenished, after I eat.

 I made a smoothie with bananas and dates.

Iate a little cucumber wrapped rice free veggie sushi, in vinegar, that came with the order. I am never going to eat anything but fruit again. I ate those roll pieces, out of curiousity. Don't like them, made me queasy. I noticed when I went to read my book, the words , they were hard to focus on, not crystal clear as usual. Like there was a disturbance in my brain. It's funny.

I can finally be perfect. I am so happy on fruit.  I finally have no more cravings for cooked food. I have none. I feel perfect on fruits. that is not wishful thinking either. I was thinking of cooked food, I can't find one I want.

Ok, I am tired reading about my mom. My judgements, my complaints. I am too. I want to focus on my goals, writing.

I am learning, all the best novels have conflict. real conflict. Also, every story has a theme. To have villains, you have to show them doing and saying, things that are philosophically bad...rather than saying, " X is a bad guy".

To show heroes, you have to make them do or say things, you consider good.

ALso, very important, you have to show people MAKING CHOICES. Otherwise your book is dull. Choices and the consequences of good and bad, right, and wrong, because we as people like those things.

I admit I come from a Naturalist school. I grew up with naturalism books as my favorite. Naturalism means, that novels, ( French lit. mostly), have no plot. They write like this, because life has no plot, the authors argue. I realize  and agree, with Ayn R., that this is philosophically not very good. Also, existentialism, not very good. For reading. For life. I see why now.  Not for a great book or epic.

I read in "The ART of fiction" by Ayn Rand, that you should always know why you are writing something. To just write and hope for that rush writers get where it comes out of nowhere, will get you nowhere. You have to create those moments. You have to write about what you choose, not about your past.

She talks about the subconscious store we have in our heads, and to fill it up. To get inspired, to get inspired to write.





The theme of this first draft blog is, overcoming obstacles in becoming a fruitarian.

My mom is redecorating, oh it's so nice!!!! She fixed all the marks in my carpets, She made my bedroom, a real regal bedroom.

Pretty house on my bike ride to fairchild gardens. I like it, it looks so much bigger and nicer in person



Mariela's food she made me







I dress bummy when I walk in the woods, I wear old shoes and old dresses. if I wear pants, I sweat to death.



Goodbye world, I go to my mom's, now, to lay in bed and get cleane up after! I love it. I don't want to be alone this weekend. I do not fear solitude, I crave it. But I want company.


JULY 22

I bought this dress at Nordstroms, and three 5 inch heel shoes, also MAC makeup.



Being around my mom, is well, hard to not go shopping. She lives across the street from Nordstrom's.  Nice top floor condo full of glass. I woke up and walked across the street. I really don't deserve new clothes, I am not celebrating anything. Yet. I just saw shoes that made me sweat and a dress I love.

I think, I bought things, to escape from how bad I felt. I felt, like I do not know my family anymore. I bought things, to feel better. to say, hey, I am someone else.
I totally lost my fruit high this weekend, over family dramas.

The gossip is:  my sister, gorgeous girl, left this woman, who is in love with her , for a man. And this woman, this week is getting surgery, to become a man. Yes. This week. Thousands of dollars, breasts taken out and everything.
I love my sister very much. My sister is too freaked out, and wants nothing to do with this poor thing. I think she should stay with her new boyfriend, for now. But I do love her ex girlfriend and wish to stay friends with her. I developed a friendly relationship with her. Anyways depressed girlfriend, was on the phone with my mom all weekend, over my sister, and Mom's fraud case ( She works high up, in a big bank, coincidentally) . My sister changed her phone number and told us not to give her the new number.

It is a little too extreme for me.

I can't waste my  brain energy on this, but you see, point is, I want to shut everyone out. I want so bad to escape and just be in my own life...away from these weird people. I am dealing with, now, kind of shutting out my family. I find myself, being really fake and accepting, that which I feel is wrong. I need to accept or reject, and I cannot accept.

My mom drove me crazy all weekend with her choices, excuses. I get so heated, and feel bad, and we knock heads.

She chooses a bum, for a boyfriend, when this millionaire won't leave her alone, for years, and obviously loves her, and is even renting out a room in her place to use when he does business down here. He will be living with her. He is good looking too, for older man. It must make him feel masculine, to be around a helpless woman.

She rejects him, praising her boy slave to anyone who will listen. I mean, compare, someone who works, produces and has value, to someone who the only reason she likes is, " I like the way he treats me". (That was her answer to : "Why do you love him, Mom?")  Meanwhile, he is a hole in the pocket, not a good investment at all. They say like attracts like and that scares me. What if my mom, was not the person I believed her to be?

I like my mom, I do, she is so kind and giving. She helps me and cleans well. I want what is best for her, of course.

I can't be too mad. This lover, half her age, with my Mom's money, bought me really nice gifts.  I appreciate them. And he is devoted to her. I talk to him and say nice things out of politeness and grace. I feel guilt for being nice and then feeling this way. I want to be free.

But, he just does not think it is worthy to work a job, his entire life. He lives off her. His mission is to become one of those Christian Radio Disc Jockeys. He is righteous and thinks  this is more nobler, than  making money, and achieving sinful damning greatness. He actually looks down on those who went to school and owns businesses, because they like money. And Money is evil to him. They will burn in hell. He tells her about the Apocalypse.  But she loves him. What can I do?

It's evil, that way of thinking. I get so upset.



ok, my point. I need to keep my distance. I do. I yearn for peace and clarity, so I can focus on my work.

I told her, I won't be available until 2 weeks from now, when she'll come, and clean my house, and do my laundry like I paid her to do. Little bits of pieces, polite and sweet, I can handle. My brain space is so valuable. It is.

I am shutting the door. Somehow I wish there was a better solution. Who doesn't want the parents of their dreams? That is where I need to separate fantasy from what is.


I feel so happy when I separate myself and am with what makes me happy, my work. I have room to create and be. I have room, and space, to be the me I love. I yearn for freedom, Good choices, Best friends, best lovers and real American heroes.

My life will be perfect, if I just follow me. That statement came to me on waking. I wrote it down.
/


I am eating a Necatrine Mango. I also bought UFO flat peaches, and Strawberry rainier cherries.

The Art Writing Fiction, by Ayn Rand
Here are some notes I underlined:



Dagny, " regarded language as a tool of honor, always to be used, as if one were under oath- an oath of allegiance to reality".

To write a plot story, you have to be clear on what issues you want to present and then think of the events that will present those issues in action

Train your mind to think in Essentials, not on issues of literature, but on all issues. This is important for writing a good plot story, and it is even more important for your own life. You do not want a life that is a badly constructed story, a series of unrelated episodes with no purpose, progression or climax.

The climax, is that stage at which the worst consequences, of the plot theme conflict, come into the open and the characters have to make their final choice. You can judge a story's climax by asking, "has it resolved the central conflict?" if not, the story is badly constructed.

An annoying aspect of badly constructed novels is that the author often poses minor problems and the leaves them hanging in the air, as if he has forgotten all about them. In this regard, Chevhov has a good rule, " Never hang a gun on the wall in the first act, if you do not intend it to go off in the third".

I once asked a woman of lending library books about her writing method. She just said airily, " Oh I throw a bunch of characters in the air and have them come down" Her stories read like it. This is a horrible example of what not to do.

In planning your story, get to your climax as quickly as possible. First devise an event that dramatizes the issues of your story, then construct the rest of the plot backwards, by asking yourself, "What events are needed in order to bring my characters to this point?"

The only absolute rule is that whether you start from the beginning, middle or end, you must start plotting from the end.

One rule that you need, both as a human being and a fiction writer is,
" Concretize your Abstractions!"

A story is like a soul/body relationship. Whether you start with the body ( the action) or the soul ( the abstract theme), you must be able to integrate the two

You must start with the abstract idea of a conflict, but thereafter your own values and your own personal imagination will be a reliable dramatic selector. Ask yourself, " What kind of conflicts and events would I find interesting?" You will be surprised how productive this is.

Cecil Demille, "If the essential situation ( not the whole of the story of course) can be told in one sentence, this makes for a good plot story.


A proper plot situation involves a conflict of values. Therefore, the next point, the real fiction writer's point is " To learn to think in terms of conflict"

The theme of the "Fountainhead" was Independence VS
Second-Handedness

To judge how long a philosophical speech should be, go by the following standard : How detailed and complex are the events which you have offered to concretize the speech? If the events warrant it, you can make as long a statement as you wish, without taking the reader outside the framework of the story.

You constantly react to people. You approve or disapprove, like or dislike, are encouraged or are uneasy.  You estimate emotionally everyone you meet. Learn to introspect in the sense of accounting for what in a person caused your reaction. Do not go through life saying, " I do not like X, I don't know why, I just don't" That will never make you a good writer. Instead, if you feel a strong dislike for someone, then , as your artistic assignment, identify what you dislike, and by what means you observed it.

Dagny saw sex as the expression of achievement and of one's highest values

To remind the reader that someone is telling a story is to introduce an irrelevant element that destroys the attempt to recreate reality. It is as if a painter left his brush on the canvas to remind you that he painted it. Fiction is an atheistic universe. You are the God who is creating it, but there muct not be any God in your writing.

JULY 23
I got a ride to my three hour class, from my classmate. I took him up on his offer for a ride. He is the one with the new Rolls Royce who lives in Yacht Club.

He told me he bought a new yacht, Last week and is going to the Bahamas the third of July. He offered to take me sailing sometimes. I said, " Ok, but only to write and to include a boat scene in my novel".

He was very nice, soft, let me sleep, played to me all this music, but later, as he drove me back, he said stuff like, " You are so attractive", and would stare " You are such a great woman" and all these compliments. I would lie back in the passenger seat to nap, and he would tell me he is admiring me, how beautiful I am, how classy and elegant, sophisticated.. sigh. I would look at a piece of paper, and he would turn on the car light, for me. I pretty much ignored him when he said stuff like this. No comment. There really is nothing mutual, in return, in how he feels for me. I mean, compliments are just that. Words.  I know what I deserve and don't.

He made a big mistake when he said, to me " When are we going shopping for some new clothes for you ?"

OOOOHHHH. OH. I was so mad!! I told him, smiling, friendly, " I buy MY own clothes, with MY earned money". I made that very clear. I told him , I do not like to accept free stuff, even rides for free because there always seems to be a price. He said, he loves taking me for free, no gas money, because " You are such a wonderful person to be with".

I do not think I will be seeing him again in a long time. Just not for me.
 
He wanted to open the door for me when he dropped me off. I asked him not to. I was very polite. No thanks. I can get it myself. No really, no thanks. He makes such a scene like he is my servant.

Really Suvine, make better choices, today could have been phenomenal. Promise that staring tomorrow, you will know what it is you want, all the way. You will know what oath ( I meant Path, but that fits) to take, you willl see the good vs evil choices. You will know right from wrong, for real.

I pledge allegiance to reality.

Today

Watermelon juice ( 3 quarts)
UFO peach
Nectarine Mango
Avocado, banana and date smoothie
Avocado
Grapefruit

Work was over so fast. I didn't even notice I was there I worked so well. I am so tired now, Must go to bed, now, if I want to get 5 hours sleep. Will talk more tomorrow.

In the Doctors room I saw an scan of a womans torso, on the lighted board, and you could see everything, everything. Down to her ovaries and her little hairs. Bones and feces.


There was a girl sitting in an empty room at my work, reading the new Harry Potter.

I sit at my desk, with Kimono dress, my watch, bracelet, Tachyon necklace and high heels on. I do a bunch of things. I am amazed how I can work for half a day, in the same place everyday. I just do it, automatically. I am good at it, but I need more challenge. I want to fill empty positions higher up.

 At times I smell something delicious, it makes my brain feel like it's on a vacation by the beach. This smell. Food for my brain. Candy for my brain. I follow it and find, it's an open window somewhere in the building. I am following the scent of fresh air. This happens alot, in different places. If there is fresh air, I follow it, I want more. It makes my brain feel good. Too much fresh air and I do not notice, but if it's just a little , I can detect it coming from somewhere.

I have food snuck in my drawers, at work. Chopped papaya, or UFO Peaches. There is always a grapefruit, a pink one. (DO they even sell regular grapefruits anymore?)

When I am freezing because of the air conditioning, I make some Chamomile tea with nothing, to warm up. I have this water boiler I plug in. Someone asked me if I wanted to use the microwave, to boil water, I was so shocked, as if people really did use those radiation ovens, to prepare their food with. It's been so long I used one. I mean, I watch tv, that's radiation but I wouldn't eat food that comes out of it. Even if it is totally safe, it just feels weird to me.

Like how I feel using cell phones that do not have tachyon discs. I feel this humming warmth that feels like it distorts and makes ugly, living cells.

I looked it up, just now,  there are studies online saying cell phones causes significant brain damage, and causes cells in your brain, to shrink. How did I know that? Why do we keep using them? Emergencies only! I put Tachyon Discs on all mine, I do notice the difference. I forget, and I borrow someone elses phone, and I will notice, I feel the phone is almost humming sound I can't hear, and it doesn't feel very friendly, feels sinister. I have to always make it short. Call it superstition. I don't like it.

I am all for progress and technology. I am. But that conflicts with my values of health and inner purity. There is a "conflict " for my novel. lol. Hmm, and the climax would be..?


July 24th
I went to work today, a somber, office day. It went by fast. My hands were lightning. I finished everything, I mean, everything in the entire office, that needs to be done. Mountains of papers of sick people files, that needs to be done perfectly. If I did not get what some disease was, I looked it up on google images. Frightening. I was scared. I saw tumors that looked like alien faces.

One mistake and it is disaster. Perfection, spelling genius and intelligence are needed.

I was working, all alone, everyone on lunch break, when this Mri Tech, a tall, strong handsome, very young Russian, walked behind my desk and put his hands on my shoulders, and kissed my neck, softly and slow, on the right side, under my ear. I froze. I did. It was so intimate and a total surprise. I ignored him. I was nervous. I said nothing. I don't even know what he asked me.

I told you, everyone there is married and flirts with everybody when noone is looking. I see it all the time. I do not want any part of it. I froze, I looked away. I chose to ignore it. I did.

Later, we were in the Doctor's office, I told him I wanted to see some scans of tumors. He showed me some cool stuff. You could see right through fat disgusting people. He told me he wanted to see my body, then and looked at me, sitting at the Doctor's desk. I felt nothing. I said, "No". But he is harmless. He'll forget about me in a day or two. He has two beautiful twins at home.

A few weeks ago I was sad, he took my hand and planted a soft kiss on them. I felt his lips on the backs of my hands. I took my hand back. It will never happen. Just is.  I remember it still, so soft.

The other Xray tech, who got married last weekend, brought me a glass of Guarapo. He has facial hair that is decorated in his own personal artistic style. The new girl got some too. It was nice. I gave him money though, for it.

I felt really beautiful today. No matter what I did, I looked good, to myself, in mirrors and glass. I feel so childish and free, I feel like my hair is alive.  I tie up my dress when I am on my bike, and my body is tanned. I took my break under a tree rooftop. I stared at the trees and leaves up close. So beautiful. I must be tripping out on fruit. I could see reality, so clearly.

I did sense, at my desk, later, in watching people, walk back and forth, passing each other, that alot of people's emotions are impotent. People have missions. Stop and enjoy life. I wait for people to open up. Have fun. I wait. I watch them all work.

All I ate today was watermelon juice, 2 quarts, half a large papaya chopped up, and now I am having dinner, an avocado. I eat so little lately but am so full.

I had a Jamba Juice OJ. I ordered and paid for a small, but I got it in a power size. The girl behind the counter smiled at me, and me protective and generous with conversation. We talked about love, whether love for self OR Love for others (obsession) was successful. We agreed that love of self, will win you everything.

My New York Penpal is moving here. To South Florida. Cool. He is looking to open a raw cafe, I think, in Orlando. We are not penpals anymore, but he wrote me asking me for advice.

 Meanwhile the Mammography tech wants me to go with her and her daughter to Disneyworld in two weeks, for a weekend. Wow, a day at the Waterpark as well. I have never been to Disneyworld. I would like to go. I think it could be special.. I love children anyways.

She wanted to go on a cruise to the Bahamas, but I have already been on one, and it's not all that great, it's not classy but low classy. Alot of drunks and fat people pigging out on mountains of fatty food buffets and 24 hour pizza and beer. No wonder they get weird flus. The water is nice. Sigh....



SUNDAY ON LIFETIME AT 11 my dad will be on tv. My dad is not 40 years old though, but I remember he said the episode is named " Andrea" He is Jack, I am sure, but that is not his real name either.