To eat today: Orange juice, a Florida Avocado, grapefruit, and a smoothie made from Banana, Papaya, Dates, Avocado and water.

I got my camera back from the shop. I am happy. It is all new looking, clean and fixed.

The Doctor talked to me today. I said to myself, " I pledge allegiance to reality" in my head. It was just a thing I thought of, to say to myself, like a command or wish. It is so easy to get lost in thought, when talking to someone, when there is reality in front of you, you miss. Anyways, and for a minute I was staring in space at him, and there was nothing in my mind, nothing but the reflection of reality before me. He was mass and matter, moving and making noise. The only meaning, was created by my brain. I saw him, as he was, as if I were nothing. Just moving mass. Like looking at a flower, and having no thought between you, just visual beauty.
 
He invited me out to dinner with his wife this weekend, possibly. He wants to talk about work with me, and marketing for the business. He said, " You are really good, really good at that" He told me I can pick the vegetarian restaurant. OOh BOY. Hmm, I have to find a place with decent Gazpacho and Fruit salad. Probably, I will pick South Beach. Dinner? wow. Must talk business. That is cool, I have so many ideas.

He is really busy, I will be surprised if he has time. Yesterday he worked 7 am to past 9 pm.
It must be great to have a passion like that. I admire that so much. I do. My passion is writing. I think about it all day.

At work I went outside and stood in the sun. It warmed my face and clothes. It felt good, like I was getting my fill of sun food or energy.
 I felt natural, like where I belong. I prefer sunlight to all forms of light. I worked today and the hours went by painlessly. any. It scares me how fast time goes by. It just does. There is so much more in my life, that I do not know if I can fit it inside of time, my allotted time. I am more than the time I am given. It's like I want to extend a day , so the sun sets two days later. can we make one day last two?

I looked at other people's lunch, at work while they were eating, and in our shared fridge. Usually every body brings in a tupperware half filled up with rice and then topped with big piece of fried beef. Typical, here in Miami, this is a dish you get at any restaurant. The rice is sometimes mixed with beans and looks black. Black cold rice with a hunk of meat.

Someone brought a full tupperware container just of shredded beef. There was another Tupperware container of chopped Iceberg with a few avocados, tomatoes and covered with cheese. Everybody had a plate. Latino people share alot. They covered their salad with Ranch dressing. Soda was shared in styrofoam.

I watched someone heat up a frozen tv dinner. I saw the processed meat patty swimming in gravy, being cut up with a fork, it was soft and mushy. They were teasing me when I was looking at it, mentioning that its a dead animal. I laugh. I don't care what people eat.

 For breakfast, once, all the girls went into the kitchen and had these large circular shaped crackers, covered in soft spread butter. They offered me one. They made noises like this was so good.

I see McDonald's salads sometimes half eaten. Cold pizza slices in boxes, abandoned.There are boxes of Chinese food, with only the brocolli left. There is an open box of frozen eggrolls in the fridge, along with soda, juice and bottled water. There is Salad Spritzer, it's salad dressing in a hair spray container so you can spray your food. Bottles of Ranch dressing are gooey and sticky. Ranch dressing is the new ketchup.

For the patients, that need something to eat, there is pink colored ham, relish and cream cheese spread for them to put on little buns. They get all the Cuban coffee they want.

/

I was thinking today, that it bothers other people when you love or obsess about them. What others like, and admire, are drawn to, is when you love yourself. Meaning, give yourself respect. Make yourself the means to the end. It's almost as if I could play a game. I love myself, you are attracted, I love you, you are scared and turned off. "Love" meaning sensual attachment.

Most people think sex is evil Sexual passion, in a woman is considered unmarryable. She has to be pure and show no enthusiasm, Then again, Marriage is all messed up. You are pledging your slavery to someone and asking them to pledge theirs. And for what? What have you earned, but an abstraction? Unless you marry for money, but that money will never truly be yours, even if you win it.

And we are all ideas, walking ideas. What idea would I want to be married to? For what? What is it, that I cannot attain myself? Plus, I don't want to share my money, my fortune, I make, with someone who doesn't accomplish anything and have it be legally theirs, If I do not want to share it. What if I find someone better? More powerful and more amazing? I will always be beautiful, and am independent.  It should be that the marriage lasts, as long as the love lasts, and then there is no more duty. There should definitely be no legal intrusion by the state.

I have kept my room spotless for days, I love it. I am thinking of being one of those clean people. Super clean. I like it.

There are climaxes in life, as well as in novels. There is always something to accomplish in life, to overcome, to attain. Just like in books. There are, in life, blocks like procrastination, fear, laziness, and lack of courage and self esteem.
There is the trust in the self, the absolute love and belief. That is there also. Evil and good, real life as well.

I would like to attain me. I would like to earn my love and adoration. My choices between good and evil and becoming easier, second nature. I still think about bad choices sometimes, but I need to think better, that is all.  I am happier and better, I have improved. I would like to be all good. What I consider good, is good. I would like to work for me. I, I , I ...A plan needs to be implemented as far as my work.

I saw paperwork,  positive test results for invasive Carcinoma. I felt sad. Some lady is going to be real sad. I do, have moments. My life is just starting, hers is over. What's left of it. When you have mutant things growing inside of you, it's time to feel really disgusted. I looked at cancer photos. ughghgh ughhhhhh it's like you are rotting while still alive, like being half dead.

7/26

Food today

Orange juice
Orange juice
That's it so far, it is 8 pm and I am not hungry.

I will eat all my rambutans I bought.

I had an amazing day today. I did. I think it is because I got good rest. I did. It was so awesome. Today was amazing.

I only had Orange Juice, power size. For breakfast and lunch. For lunch I went to the Park on Miracle Mile to eat an avocado. I had them to cut open me one at Jamba. Under the sun, my shoes on, sleeping in the grass, I looked at the avocado, and could see the oil on it. I didn't want it. I put it in my purse. I no longer want tomato pico de gallo either.

I lay there and some real hot blonde, and a fat baby, and chihuahua, came up to me. The girl asked me if I did the Landmark Advanced Course. She remembered me. I said yes, we talked about it and we are both in the SELP. I am dropping out of it. I think. I did not tell her that. She told me this girl in her class took the forum, decided to write, and now has publishing company. Wow, my success will be because of my brain, not Landmark.

Anyways I played with her baby Lola.

Going home from work I went to the supermarket, when I felt distinctly high, fruit high. I felt good. Pure, happy, in control, beautiful. I saw Rambutans and sticked my hands in them. They felt so good, and the colors and soft yellow hairs were smooth. The red was so red. I thought to myself, wow, I want some and filled an entire bag. The poor checkout lady had to count all them. I was trying to figure out if this feeling was good or bad. Biologically. No, it felt right.

At work today, it went by so fast. I looked at my watch, I got in Switzerland, the band all dirty and yellow,  and it was almost going home time.

There is a new girl at work and I trained her. She knows her stuff, I like it, I get a smart assistant. She told me I am too nice to be an American. She is nice, but not very attractive, speaks a very red neck Spanish. She calls people making appointments, on the phone, " Mi Amor", which means, " My love". Not proffesional. PAGES PEOPLE, in our facility, IN SPANISH!! :O  She answers the phone,
" DIGAME" which is slang for "TELL ME". I love her though. We clicked. She has a wart on her chin, a big one. But I like her. I do! She went to school for Medical Billing. She knows everything.

I found out why it is so cold in there. There is a Mammography machine that costs $100,000 down the hall and it cannot get hot, even a little.

The Doctor sat next to my desk, today, and the new girl was telling him how they should file folders and how the computer records should be. His wife stood in front of him, staring. I sat next to him. We all talked about work. When he looked at me, he was looking at everything. He was beaming. I was not admiring his looks, but I was poised and very self aware. He said, he does not want me to do the same work all day. He asked me what my favorite work is. I told him preparing his reports.  I actually touched him, when I passed him a paper. I thought it uniquely cool.

I see enormous greatness and respect, and hard work in him, and I don't want it from him, but I want it in me. I want to earn it myself. I am a human. Powerful. I have a brain. A powerful brain I want to use. I want to be self made. I am not one of those girls who think they will get magical mojo by being with a powerful man. You get mojo, by your own hard work, the best mojo ever. But seeing someone who has traits I want in myself, inspires me, it inspires me to know human greatness is possible around me, that there are hard working people and not bums who leech off everyone, and say things to me, like, my pride will cause me to fall.

Later, the Doctor said his neck hurt from this Xray metal Apron. I volunteered a neck massage. He looked happy and asked if I "do " that. I said yes.(  He looks at people, and finds out what they " DO". He asked me that many times, to find uses for me).   I walked up behind him, but he stopped me, and He told me he has a biopsy to do, and after it, he'll let me do it,  and made like it hurt his head and rubbed his neck. He wound up having to go to his second job, a hospital, (where he is the "Chief —-").He said we will have a rain check, tomorrow. He is very busy. I think he works 7 am past 9 or even ten pm every day, now that I think about it. I come in the morning and I see stacks of reports read.

Later I danced a little in the MRI room. I walked down there to ask a question, and the Russian tech put on some music and invited me to dance with him, I could not say no. where there is happiness, I am. He danced and so did I, while the other guy stared morosely. He twirled me and I watched his feet. We did salsa moves I learned at a salsa club, where I swung in his arms, to his left and swing and right side and swing behind him, and he throws me in the air and then back up to my feet. We laughed. It was fun for a second. Salsa moves. I was happy. I have to watch it or I will explode with laughter. He said I was strong.

I laughed all day, with lots of people.

I wore a proffesional looking shirt with a little black dress underit ,and thigh highs and high heels underneath. Jessica Simpson heels. I dyed my hair brown. It will wash out to blonde again.

//

I know something, you either love or are loved. You cannot have both at the same time. It is true. try it out for yourself. I would rather be loved and when the moment comes, give all my love. But only rarely. maybe, if they deserve it.

At work the lady wanted me to wear gloves because a guy bled all over his paperwork. I laughed.  Man, that is bad. You have to make sure insurance will cover them, for sure, first. Definitely. It's a business.

Then I thought, wow, why would I be scared of dried blood? I mean, why would anybody? People eat blood of animals, diseased factory farm animals. They eat it raw, at a fancy restaurant... from a diseased, cancerous animal. They are squeamish about human blood. Why?

Is it because we all know that humans are toxic, posionous? I think that says something. I think so. I think people think each other are diseased, and infected inside. People blood, is diseased and infected with monsters. That is why people are so squeamish.

My blood is awesome and perfect.

I lay on grass, I lay on dirt, I get rained on, splashed with mud, chemicals I breath. I am not scared of dried blood. I don't believe in the germ theory.

I believe in the terrain, that that is everything. Just like Louis Pasteur said on his deathbed, that he was wrong. The germ theory is wrong. All Western Medicine, is based on that theory. It creates money because they sell the cure, and fear gives power. Plus health and freedom, keeps people away from hospitals. I don't think anyone really knows this, but I do.

The terrain means, that your blood is like a river, and if you trash it, mosquitos will come ( germs) Meaning you are responsible for every sickness ever. Meaning germs don't look for healthy people to infect. Like bugs in nature eat only weak strains of fruit. the bugs are not evil, they are just eating what is dead. It's the process of things.

I think it is supernatural, this fear of human blood. We are all scared of each other, we are disgusted by each other. I respect it. I am super scared of bugs and if I have to pick up a cockroach, with a napkin, I get all freaked out, and feel really bad, my hand feels like it shrinks.

I got a huge passionfruit. I may have a smoothie with banana and avocado.


Last night MBH banged on my door for a long time. My windows, my door again. When I looked out the window I saw him crouch so I would not see him. I saw the top of his head.  Later, I got all these phone calls I did not answer. He sent me a message that something bad happened and he needs to talk to me, that he "needed me".  I did not answer him.

I am glad I got rest. I am. It is summer now and I have to leave my kitchen spotless otherwise I get ants. I got my camera back but I have had not a moment to take photos yet, for you, my love, my diary.

I told the Doctor, my dad will be on tv, and he was surprised my dad is single, at his age. He asked what his personality is like, and I said, " Workaholic" and he said, " AH! That's Good!" it is good. I was impressed. Usually people say, " aggh, too bad" Work is awesome. I think workaholic is the only way to be, in order to be happy.

Today the Doctor wanted his rain check. The massage I offered yesterday. I was in a different mood. I was self absorbed. I was excited. Anticipation. He walked in a small dark room, I followed him. I was surprised, He sat in a chair. He showed me where his neck hurt. I was so nervous and my stomach was twisting. I started to massage his neck, my hands were like lead. I was sweating and so much energy was in me bursting, or repressed. His meat on his neck, it was so tough and I really dug in. I tried to get in and hurt him. I like when that is done to me, in massages. I massaged  my fingers in the back of the neck, I squeezed the sides. I massaged his head, back, shoulders, arms and face. I ran my fingers along his jaw. I placed my fingers  on the sides of his face. I liked it, I grabbed flesh from his arms and squeezed very hard, expressing strength. I massaged his head, his bones, everywhere. I had his head in my hands. His hair in my fingers. He has black hair.

I had this thought in my head, I focused on it, it was a sentence. I don't know what it meant. It asked me,
" What do I want?" Over and over again. I was focused on myself, self absorbed. But I heard that in my head. It was the only thing to latch on to.

I noticed the cleaning lady walk by the door, with a broom, she made like she did not see me, but I know she did, and will tell everyone she sees, what I was doing. It didn't bother me, actually.

When I was done he said, "Wow!", and I turned around and smiled. " The pain, it is 90% gone!" I smiled at him, I was happy, I went back to work. I felt all this energy in me. I felt happy. Perfect.

Later while I was at my desk,  I was talking to this xray tech, about why he didn't get me guarapo. Anyways, the DOctor came to my desk, suddenly, and stared at him. Dr. then turned to me, told me "Thanks", again. He looked past me, Looked at the Tech and said, " I was not talking to you!", all cocky, and then the Tech said, " Oh can I give you massage too?" sarcastically, and the Doctor said, " No", laughed and walked away. Then I knew, everybody knew. It was funny yet uncomfortable.

It was nice.

Work went by fast, and there is news I will be doing something different. They are opening a billing center, these two rooms are getting cleaned out. I am in on it. I am asking for a big raise to be in on it. Medical Billing is enormously important. We have a company do it for us now. The new girl was telling me the opportunity in it. If she trains me, which she will, I will be worth double I make now, without experience. I love the new girl. I do. She is so cool. I know I will take over this new billing department, like I have of the place already. I know I will make a ton of money because I will have to work overtime, and use my brain, and I will be so happy earning way more and being invaluable. Life is about getting better and I learn so fast. I amaze myself. I take on everyone's responsibility, that I am to, allowed to by law. I also have a new job looking at Pacs, the Doctor hinted at yesterday. That is, actually working with the scans ( of bodies, of brains!!!)  themselves to prepare them for the doctor to look at.  I am so happy. So very happy.
I can do anything

My dream is to write a book. I don't know if I should quit my job, or wait, I know I should quit and write, and do nothing else. But I am stalling. I will probably try to do both. Having it all. Writing a book and working for me is what I want. though. I want to write a book that is so great, they will make a movie out of it. That is what I am going to do. There is a process to anything in life. That is my goal, my end, I know this.

I thought many things today, in my white tight natural fiber dress, from Paraguay, with my new high heels.

I ate power size Orange Juice twice. I had an avocado and bag of rambutans, and now I had a smoothie with AVocado, passionfruit and banana. That's it. I felt fruitarian high today. I almost take this for granted.

I noticed it keenly, when for my lunch break, I went to the supermarket, got rambutans.

(I gave one to the checkout girl. There is a deaf girl bagging, who always smiles and communicates with me with her eyes. I like it. I think she is nice. I like the looks she gives me, it's like we are psychic.)

I went outside and there was a storm and rain. I remember, I sat, and watched the "Rain show" and was so entertained, watching the rain furiously fall down. The rain drops, are cool to stare at. I remember thinking that nothing could make me unhappy. I was so at peace. I had no time limit. I could do what I wanted. It didn't matter, if I was going to be late for work. I sat there and felt so free.  I thought. Everything, no matter what I did, was going to turn out perfect. I wound up being on time, I always am. But I am saying there is no rush in me, no fear. I cannot lose or miss out. I cannot fail.

I also thought that everything in life, that I want, is going to be given to me, by me and my own brain. I am the one that is going to give myself everything I want. I am. I am the key. I am the vehicle.

If I want something, then I am responsible for getting it. It's only human.

 A handsome guy, breathtaking and preppy, walked by me, one who is way too good for the old me. He walked back, and came up to me, and actually talked to me, but when I saw him up close, he didn't look too healthy. You could tell he was a spoiled rich boy who gets drunk at parties .

 I saw a family, sta ding up, against the payphones, eat the hot deli food, from the supermarket, in foil containers. All the ladies were short and fat, thick skin, and dry hair. I never have seen anyone eat that kind of food. It was like rotisserie chicken, rice and beans, yuca mash etc.. I watched a little boy eat chicken and it was brown and slimy looking. He was slurping it. They were all watching me eat rambutans. I watched him closely, trying to imagine thinking of the slime, that chicken slime that sticks to your teeth. I saw chicken bones and pieces being inhaled and slurped. I wondered, if he knew what he had a choice. I wish I knew when I was little, I would have become a fruitarian as soon as I heard about it. I am very smart.

On my way home, I was actually happy to ride in the rain. My hair, my makeup, my dress, all soaked and I felt free and clean. It is exciting, it is tabu, noone rides home in the rain. I did. I am awesome. Rain showers are is exciting, and I felt adventurous. Rain dripping on me, the noise of it, the reflection of me, in the puddles beneath me. I love thunder. I felt so alive. Like a plant.

When I ride my bike people scream at me " Gorgeous!" from the streets. I get dykes hissing at me. It's funny. Noone sees high heels on a bike.

Today I came to a conclusion. It is easy to fall in this trap, of thoughts, especially advice from other people, when underneath my thoughts, I have to be aware of how I feel. Sometimes a thought seems right, to me, but I am left uneasy and anxious. That is because I am forcing a thought on myself that really will not suit me. If I feel uneasy, I am thinking or holding on to wrong ideas.

Make sense?
/

After everyone went home, at work, the Doctors kids came in. I love the little girl, but she was without sleeves and her arms, they were, so enormous. She is very very large. She had unbrushed hair all tangled , and red food dyed around her mouth, like koolaid stains. She looked wild and like she has not taken a bath in a few days. She mumbled, things to me I could not understand, slowly, with her eyes looking into mine. I felt love, she is gorgeous inside. I felt happy. 

I saw her, and her brother play "Doctor". She pretended she was the nurse and he was the patient. She would do these handstands and flop down. She asked me for some crackers. I went to the kitchen and got her a whole bag. I watched her sit on the floor, and roll on her skateboard. So heavy her thoughts. and she looked so awkward. A beautiful mess. I love her. She has no idea what the name of her school is, for serious real. She thought really hard.

Her grandma is kind of borderline obese, balding, in expensive jewelry, flashy dresses, and walks around with a struggle. I saw her go to the kitchen, shifting her weight back and forth slowly. She came back, with a steaming, cheesburger hot pocket in her hand, wrapped in a napkin. I looked at her face, passing me by, filled with age spots, and it was like, she wanted to be left alone. She was not really there but inside a numbness. She sat in the waiting room and I did not hear a noise, she was just sitting there, watching tv for a very long time. Silent.

 7/29

I got really inspired watching the documentary on JK Rowling. She wrote Harry Potter. Makes me want to quit my job and write full time. Oh That has to happen. soon. Maybe I can do both, writing and working. I am just amazed by famous authors. I am awed by their stories, I watch them with a pounding heart.

This weekend was mediocre. I went and laid in bed at my mom's condo. I knew I didn't really want to be there, but it was too late, once I accepted a ride from her Friday, and after that, I became numb, slept, took naps, read books. I feel like that around her. I just want to escape in bed and be waited on.

I showed her how to use the train, by her new place. The first time she rides a train, ever, in Miami, on my advice, and a whole crew of African Americans are being loud, and swigging cheap Vodka and smoking cigars in fornt of us. I saw them drinking it like water,and I was like, " UHHHHoohhhh" . I was scared. The train was stalled 20 minutes, and guess what? Right in front of us, some guy stood up and stared talking aggresively. A fight broke out. They were calling each other "Nigger" and girls were screaming. I was so out of there, I left my mom in the middle of it. I ran to the other side of the train. I was so scared. Yes, it's true. They could have had guns.
We laughed so hard after that, my mom called me a chicken.

Anyways, we saw three movies. The Simpsons Movie, with Lisa, and her first boyfriend. Bart is a drunk, in it, and Homer and Marge split up. Then we saw RATATOUILLE, which was incredible. I love that movie. My eyes would water when they would show my fave places in Paris. They best scene is when the Critic eats at the restaurant. Really good. Then we watched TRANSFORMERS. That was awesome. Optimus Prime, Megatron and the Decepticons. Awesome. I loved it, plus there was a really cute actor in it.

Today we went to Cheesecake Factory.. I had goblet of fresh strawberries and the Best Avocado/tomato " made to order Guacamole" . We talked for 2 hours. My mom ordered a Portabella Sandwich and got sick from the cheese. She hates cheese.

I tried to talk to my mom, talk some sense into her. She thanked me for it later. She said I asked her questions she never thought of. Mainly about her own business, her career, and what she is going to do with her life, her entire life. She would say, "I want to open up Bed and Breakfast Hotels!", and I would be like, " And then what?...and then? and then what?". She would say, " I don't know". It's amazing how she cannot see farther than a year or two. I pushed her, and it's like, she did not want to tell me what her real dreams are. Then she planned out her whole life with me. It was " Move to X, have businesses, and relax, and then, die..?" I told her, "No, Mom, I think your life is much more important and meaningful than that". She was puzzled, and agreed, not much of a life. I want her to do something really great. I got her to think.

 Once Jesus gets in the conversation it gets heated.
 I say, " MOM there is no God, he doesn't exist, he is an idea, people make up. Only people made him up. The highest beings are humans, mom. That's us, we are responsible for ALL the good/evil in our lives. We are the smartest, the highest and the best creatures in the world."

 She thinks we are sinners and not good, and this imaginary Elite perfect God, who does not do anything except be all perfect and judge us, condescending, who is better than us and so much better we can't see him, and he rewards us or punishes us, in the sky watching us, listening to our thoughts. I am like, " No Mom, that's your guilt speaking, we punish or reward ourselves. Take control and get what you want not by wishing or praying, but by doing the brain and action work. Get up and work!! Plan your life and create your values to live by. Create and mold your own life!"

I mean, we get freaked out by suicide bombers, when we have the same exact belief, in some higher being out there that will reward us when we die. That leaves us totally irresponsible for our lives, and faultless, because so religion says, we are imperfect dirty sinners, right? Wrong..!!

I have this problem with alot of fruitarians, that are into mysticism and superstitions. That belief causes you to give up all your control, and fate, to some  non existent "lie" of a being, that is unreal, just because someone says so, or has this "feeling", or even society accepts. A wish that there is someone out there, like the parents we never had or something, that gives us what we want and punishes us. They live their lives like that, as well.

 We are the only ones who give us what we want. Our choices are ours. our rewards are ours.

 There is no Easter Bunny or an evil universe, either. What is here, is reality. Reality, work with it. It's just us, and our choices. Heaven or hell, we make. And we have all the power. Think about that and feel the human greatness inside. Possible.

I think that is so great. I know human power and greatness is possible. I see it around me. There is no limit to what we can do, none. We are everything.

Religion also teaches us to help the poor. The only thing that will help the poor is teaching them to be self reliant. People resent getting handouts, you kill their spirit. I pointed this out to my mom. I asked her, how many of these poor people she has tried to help, has robbed or, demanded money, and blamed her for their problems, or called her greedy? Lots.

People that have private businesses are the true heroes and heroines. They bring wealth to the neighborhood. It's not easy starting from the bottom. But they do all the work.

If work is not everything, to you, then you are in the wrong business. Let's become powerful.

I know some fears about that, are , " Isn't pride a sin, evil?" well, if you believe that, you are anti human. That statement, "Pride is a sin, only the good for all, is what is good", degrades us. To call our minds evil, to call our pride, and love, goals and accomplishments a sin?
That saying says, that we have no idea what is good and bad, we are DUMB,  and that we must humble ourselves, and be lowered, because we will "fall" if we become too self involved..

Why is human greatness, in ourselves, so feared? Why do people eat garbage, forget and blank out, watch tv, escape into other people, and work jobs they hate? Too afraid, too dead. Whatever is good for everybody is good for me.

Consciousness, It is wonderful. Everything good, is because of our thought. Our pride, our own work and love for life and creation is what makes us noble beings..All great things and all success is based on that. Our economy and country was created for the individual to succeed and excel on his own. Nobody wants to babysit a whole country.


GUESS WHAT My Friend, the Miami A district Attorney, is coming over to get me so we can watch my dad on cable tv, and he bought for me GUARAPOS!!! He is awesome for that. I LOVE my sugarcane juice.

This weekend I ate a lot of banana and date smoothies and had dragon fruit salads with strawberries and alot fo chopped tomatoes and avocados.

I am so happy. I need to get dressed. What a weekend.

/

I saw my Dad on tv, it was awesome, he did so well and looked so good, on A&E tonight. He drove his date off in a Thunderbird. They introduced him as a successful lawyer and made him out to be so sophisticated and wordly. He was the only good guy.

I was totally in the show, but annoyed at the Matchmaker. She was just a bitch and really overstepped herself. She told people, her clients, off and insulted them.

We watched The New Simpsons movie, 2nd time again for me, on his pirate tv.

I went over his house in my flannal pajamas. I just had on a coat over it. I feel that comfy around him. I can feel safe around him. Flannel pajamas and high heels, lipgloss and brown browliner. I played with his fat punching cat. He acted like I was family. We laughed alot.

I called my dad telling him how awesome he was, my message sounded lovebitten.
 
We watched the TWO COREYS on Vh1. So entertaining!

They were talking about animal rights, which was cool. But it was a little forced and fake, with Corey # 2 ordering meat pizza, when the other Corey and His wife, have a Peta guest over.

They had such bad qualities in them, all of them. Those two guys are dorks and have earned it. T

The wife, hot. The only compliment of the show, is nice breasts! She is beautiful.

My Friend fixed my bike, when he dropped me off. That was nice. Oh, He got me two guarapos. He did not like it. I let him try it. It was a little juiced "Green" but I love love love it anyways.

When I first went into his house, tonight, all I saw was antique war army toys and model tanks everywhere. Two rooms FILLED. I thought of the Transformers movie I saw.
I was a little, um, amazed. He is a collector of many things. His house is a museum.

7/31

This morning the Doctor called me in his office. I was so happy. Then, at that moment, everybody needed to ask him a question. I was so happy alone with him.

He looked happy and He shut the door. I was on the edge of my seat. We looked at each other. He told me I have a lot of potential. He told me I am hyper, about business. He wants to have a meeting, so he could see in what position and where I will be best suited. He said he has many things going on and would like to have me help out, in other places, as well.  Meaning being an assistant of some sorts. He wants to know what I do, at home. .

He asked me what responsibilities do I have at home, so he knows when to organize a meeting or to see what I am capable of. I said, I can work Anytime, he said, more specific. I told him when I am at home, "I do
Nothing". he said, "You have nothing to do at home?" then changed my mind. I told him, " I write, I write everyday!". I said this, with passion. He asked what do I do when I don't do that, I said, " Read books". I told him, everything he asked me to do, I am able to do. I told him I read Marketing books and have many ideas

 He looked at me and I could tell he was happy and smiling. Then the door knocked again, the maid had a question, he answered and then he shut it. I did not know what to do, but I know in life, the only person that is going to give me what I want, is myself, so I felt so glad knowing that. On my way out the door, he looked like he wanted to shake my hand or tap me, so I reached out instead and squeezed his shoulder, smiling. Very nice. I feel comfortable.

At my desk, three girls were huddled and smiling at me when I came back, looking for a clue in my face. I blushed. I said, "Stop looking at me!" I sat at my desk smiling. Then the Doctor came out, and gave me the sexiest look. His eyes, they look dark, and like a wild animal's.  I looked up from under my lashes. I felt blood inside me, just all the respect. Then Then he gave me his cell phone to answer.  The girls disappeared.

I spent the day answering his cell phone. Doctors that call him are so demanding, they call and act like they are kings, which they are and have earned it,  but I am very nice, no matter what.
One guy called for him, about his closing, on Pine Tree drive, which is this street in Miami Beach lined with priceless flashy mansions and large fountains. He must deserve it and know it, that is real human power. I want that for myself. I do.

I felt so good today. ( I felt so beautiful. I wore a Bebe tight black kimono dress with gold silk sash. I was called elegant by three people today.)
Also, I am tanned. Everything I had on is expensive. I felt really awesome.

Plus my hair is done so well. I went to a hair salon in Macy's, a few days back, and the girl made me look a natural blonde, with the highlights.

While I got my hair done I read, "WE THE LIVING", a novel about what life was like in communist Russia. Literally HELL. The Bourgeois were the "evil people", according to the Reds. They were business owners who had to lose the most after the country went red. Beautiful mansions were given away to anybody.. You were punished for thinking and being individual. Sometimes they would temporarily allow private business and then make them pay 50,000 more rubles, than the state workers, for fixings. And to eat a boiled potato, you had to hide.  You had to hide everything. Trains had no schedule and you had to push passed the mob if one came , and they stopped for no reason and everybody smelled and was scared of looting. The only way to feed your family was if you were in school or hired by the Soviet State, and all that got you was ration cards, for maybe Lard and Saccharine, if they had anything, or soap, mildewy millet and lentils. Everything was ransacked and people were all equal and savages. Cops always screamed for documents, and they walked right in your house...looking for revolutionaries who they shot without trial. Everything you did had to be for the people, the communist state. You could not do anything, because you liked it, but only to serve others. The poor were exalted. Hell on earth.

Anyways, I looked online at a famous song the students with red scarves used to sing, a communist song. I listened to it. Scary. Death is easier than communism.

That might be possible here in the USA one day. It's what Michael Moore wants. Free stuff that everybody shares and does not deserve, and we all are controlled by big brother who tells us what our duty is to the poor and what to do with our business, or else puts us in jail. Choose freedom.

Saturday I worked a little, and everybody at work brought their kids. My room was filled with noises from BRATZ.COM OR BARBIE.COM. All children overweight with fat arms, eating Burger king Kids Meals. They have beautiful lashes and eyes though. I love kids.

There was a patient at work with no nipples. I laughed. Surgery gone wrong. Pretty bad, I looked at her photo and she was not cute so I guess noone would ever see them. I should not laugh but it is her fault. I laugh out of confusion.

Last night I got a massage at University of Miami. It was so incredible. The Swiss massage guy hurt me real bad and I felt like I did not know who I was. When I left, I could not see straight. He had to hold me so I could walk. That is how awesome it felt. He did things to my neck and ass that made me feel like I was electrocuted. Pressure points in my hands between and thumb and point finger, and in the base of my skull. Also behind my shoulder blades, he played those muscles like strings in a guitar. They twanged. My calves he really got inside of them, oooh I was moaning so loud. I would laugh too.

The other Doctor at work, Dr. Lmnop, stopped by my desk many times, to hand me papers and ask questions. I talked about exercise, and he talked about bike riding in Shark valley. I have done that, I told him. He said, " I take my daughter there , she loves it." He puts on so much cologne. He is so nice as well. He parks his luxury car on the street, never in the parking lot.

I wrote some of my book ideas down. I did, I felt so awesome. I am slowly creating characters.

I missed my entrance exam to the Objectivist Academic Center. I have to retake it tonight. COOL!!! New Classes!!

I ate today

raspberries
Avocado with tomato salsa
fresh OJ twice, power size
cherries
watermelon juice
 smoothie with banana and avocado

I realize, I must be more of a fruitarian now, avocados are less and less attractive to me, not because they don't taste awesome but I love sweet fruit highs and try to make them last for weeks, until I eat one.

The lead singer of this band I loved, I mean, LOVED growing up, called me last night at 1 am.  I was asleep. I put his band song on my profile once, a few times, on Myspace and was surprised when he wrote me and thought I was cool. I gave him my number because I did. He said I am one pretty fruit bat. I will call him tonight and see what is up. Hard separating the fantasy from reality when it comes to bands you love.

This weekend I read a book on how to write fiction. Here is a  quote, I like:

THE BEST DRAWN CHARACTER IN ANYONE'S WRITING IS THE AUTHOR HIMSELF. NONE OF THE ABOVE PASSAGE DEALS WITH PHILOSOPHY DIRECTLY, YET THE AUTHOR'S PHILOSOPHY IS PRESENT, IN WHAT HE CHOOSES TO SAY AND IN HOW HE SAYS IT. IN THIS SENSE, A FICTION WRITER CANNOT HIDE HIMSELF. HE STANDS NAKED SPIRITUALLY.     YOU CANNOT CREATE A STYLE ARTIFICIALLY, COMPOSING EACH SENTENCE WORD BY WORD, AND THEN WEIGHING EACH WORD: "HOW DOES THIS FIT WITH MY OFFICIAL DOGMA?" A WRITER'S STYE COMES FROM HIS ACCEPTED PHILOSOPHY- ACCEPTED IN HIS SUBCONSCIOUS.    JUST AS , IN YOUR GENERAL BEHAVIOR AS A HUMAN BEING, YOUR PREMISES "WILL OUT"- THEY WILL COME OUT IN MANY SUBTLE WAYS, AND AMY CONFLICT YOU MAY HAVE , WILL SHOW, PARTICULARLY, IN EMERGENCIES, SO IN YOUR WRITING, YOUR PREMISES WILL OUT. IF YOUR CONSCIOUS PHILOSOPHY HAS SUNK INTO YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS AND BECOME AUTOMATIC, THAT WILL SHOW IN YOUR STYLE. IF YOUR CONSCIOUS PHILOSOPHY IS NOT FULLY ASSIMILATED, IF YOU HAVE PREMISES CONTRADICTORY TO IT, THAT WILL SHOW. IF YOU HAVE GOD AWFUL PREMISES, THEN THAT WILL SHOW.   IF YOU ARE NOT SATISFIED WITH WHAT COMES OUT OF YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS, YOU CAN CORRECT IT BY CONSCIOUS THINKING....TO BE THE KIND OF WRITER YOU WANT TO BE, YOU MUST FIRST BE THE KIND OF THINKER YOU WANT TO BE




8/1

from the internet:



I got home today and my place smelled like ripe Jakfruit. I cut it open. It was so good and sticky. Juicy Fruit. I cut it open and reached inside for the flesh around the seeds.

The Driver at work brought someone Mamoncillos. I was so jealous. Tomorrow he better bring me some. I called him and inquired. 2 dollars for a whole big bunch. They are a dream. I loved them. They were so delicious, everybody was eating them. So awesome. I had unripe ones a long time ago and swore I hated them, but I just want not eating them ripe.

I realize, how people, including me sometimes, avoid thinking. We will do anything to avoid thinking.  We will listen to anybody who will say its ok to blank out. To give up, to not think. Wow. I need to make an effort to do it, no matter how tempting anything else is, including fridge, books, tv, work etc. I want to have a mind and I want to create and write. I want to go to work for me. Noone else. I want to live for me, and noone else. I want to enjoy and take pleasure in things I have to earn and work on.

Watermelon juice
avocado tomatoes and cucumbers
cherries
Orange juice
Jakfruit
mammoncillos

I am naked alone and thinking. I am very tired and need a half hour nap. I took a bath and sat in the hot water. My cell phone beeps from text messages I never answer. I leave my cell at home these days. I am too busy. I just wrote four essays on objectivism for the OAC entrance exam. I did. Very interesting group of people. Brilliant.


Today at work on of the girls got some cooked rice at Winn Dixie, this supermarket, and it had a maggot in it. I took a photo of it with the Doctor's cell phone. She almost ate it.

I am so tired. I must go to sleep. I am almost waiting for an excuse to write. I need to be a full time writer. I know it is what I have to do.

Dragon fruit is cool with Strawberries and mangos. There is my Jakfruit in the back. You have to wait until it is gooey soft to eat.



Look a lizard jumped on me one morning.



AUG 2


I had a long day today. I wanted to quit my job, and I rode home on break, exhiliarated, knowing that I will be dependant on my own mind for money. Wow, it is fear and pleasure. Trusting in myself, while the door is open.  I want to be my own boss and work for myself. But I chickened out.

What started it is some idiot lady, at work, was concerned about me moving up at work, because my Spanish is not perfect. That is the gossip. What?? I instantly put on pout face and would not move. I had to leave.  The last thing that place needs is more Spanish people. They mispell every single medical document and it's embarrassing. Anyways, she has no idea of that. Billing and anything professional from job to job, is almost always in English in Miami. We are in America. Business is English. For sure. I know this.

I would much rather be an assistant than work in the new billing office anyways. Watch, I guarantee they will beg me nicely, to work in there, when they find they need someone good. I am very competent. Extremely.

I went back to work, two hours later.  I took notes on my story.  I was sad.  For fear I cannot support myself with my mind. It feels like the work I do, everyday, is dress up and look pretty, like that is my main "work" in my life now. So you see, not very fulfilling.. Everything else I do at work, is automatic. I blank out. Not very cool for a girl who loves to think.

This morning the Doctor and I looked at each other without speaking. Hint of smile on me. I saw his thoughts across his face, sometimes dark, insecure, other times, aggressive and macho. I saw spots, in his face, In the blood that rushed there. There was no meaning in it. It was empty and meaningless. My lashes fluttered slowly as our pupils dilated together , at the void of space. It was all reality seeing reality. There was a little emotion of kindness and innocence in me. I saw the vast universe of space and reality before me. There was no thoughts there and I could see the dust float. He didn't look away and neither did I. After it was over, it stuck with me, all day. I can't remember what we were saying earlier. Oh, he told me he would get me set up in a nice Office, with no phones, so I can concentrate and it will be really fancy and nice. The old offices are getting cleaned out now. I looked at him, with no thoughts in my head in the way. There was a clearing. It is so great to actually SEE people, with no thoughts in between you. Just the space of reality and now.There is only now. Forever. See them, and not a mirror, but see them.

I was a little moved, and kept to myself, in my thoughts. Lost in feelings. Feeling good.
Working and getting things done fast. We have a local college hospital school and another hospital sending patients to us, so there are people in stretchers, packed waiting rooms, endless paperwork and patients with huge life threatening problems.
 
I look over the reports. What ever new disease I see, I google images search them, and then for sure I have it memorized for life. You should see these toxemic diseases. You never heard of. It is disgusting people let themselves go like this. Sick, nightmare. I saw one today, and I forgot how its spelled but it's long, it's this strawberry bulbous tumor people get that eats up their flesh so you could see their insides.


There are big changes going on at work, big ones. Business is BOOMING. I can barely keep up with just one itty bitty job, the entire day. They raised all self pay people prices. I made the new spreadsheets.

I walk in the other Doctor giving readings and I see X-rays of women parts. It's weird you can see everything, I mean everything. I offer my help to everyone and take on other's work if they get too busy.

I have a bottle of vanilla oil and I put some on everyday.

I wore my new Nordstrom's dress. Too big on me, I got medium. Oh well. It's comfy. I felt girly today, like a little babydoll in silk. I felt ok

I have not been on a fruit high since eating all that guacamole LAST WEEKEND at the Cheesecake Factory. It is Thursday now. I need to eat lighter. Time flies so fast. It does. Time is much better when you feel ENCROYABLE.

I ate only:

OJ
Watermelon juice
OJ
Sugar cane juice
avocado and tomato salsa
smoothie dates bananas and blueberries.


August 3


What a day!

The Doctor at work told me these women are coming today, with artwork for the institution, and he wants me to be in charge of the whole thing, placement and buying. " But don't spend too much money"

These ladies came, he was in a meeting. They brought in all these paintings and prints and started just PUTTING THEM EVERYWHERE. I mean, tons of stuff. Any free space they put a painting. (I demanded they put the Naked Picasso lady by my hallway and the Fruit one by my desk. Everywhere you looked there was a painting. My only contribution)

Anyways the Doctor came out, talked with them in his offcie, and HE BOUGHT EVERY SINGLE ONE! He told me I did a good job. I was shocked. I did not say anything, of course. I did not pick and place all those paintings. I was impressed though, strangely, it was a little too much though.

Later, in the Kitchen, he walked in behind me. I saw him, His eyes, they were afire, they were lit up by hazel and topaz. He asked me what I was doing, I was boiling water in a boiler pot. I told him "I do not use the microwave, for anything", he asked ,"Why?", I said, "I don't know." And he told me he never uses it anyways. Anyways, it is hard to explain, but my whole body was burning up, I had to leave. My hormones lit my body like fire, burning in to my brain. I wanted to hide the fact I was melting.

I sat in my chair, back in my office, and the tech girl came and I hugged her, wrapped my hands around her stomach and made noises, shut my eyes. I carressed her, and  I wanted to kiss her, but didn't. She asked me, " Why are you always happy after you talk to Dr. Abcdf?" I blushed. She told me, " I notice these things, no, no, it is good, I mean, he is handsome, he looks good!" I laughed and I just wanted to hide, I was still enraptured. She went on, " I notice you, I see things but do not worry, it is between us" and she put her fingers to her lips.I did not answer anything, I was frightened, nor said anything. She asked, " Does he know" and I ignored her, we would look at each other and giggle.

I did not say anything because there is nothing between us, I swear, I promise, but a vaccum. Space. I like it that way. I am not going to name label create or assume anything. I like the nothingness between us. There is empty space, space to see reality. I like that. I feel good like that. Just reality and now. Freedom, thought, just as is. Is what is. Call me nothing. I am everything and nothing.

/

The MRI tech was after me today, trying to MRI my knee. He needed a good knee MRI to compare or something, to send to a clinic or school. I declined. He bitched that is was thousands of dollars to get one and blah blah. I said " No thanks". I don't want an MRI for nothing. No way. I said NO. He asked me several times. Stomping off. Sorry, don't trust them.

My friend showed me an X-Ray of a man with a Pacemaker inside him, OOOHHH was it funny. It's like he is a robot. Cords and chips, like a video game controller inside his chest. His bones and meat.

The Xray tech brought me Guarapo. I have been ignoring him. He stares at me. But in an unfriendly way.

MMMM

to eat today OJ for breakfast
OJ for lunch.

It's the weekend!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!


8/4

My boss's wife complimented me on my selection of artwork, I said thank you. She asked me if we could go out to dinner tonight with her husband, and I said OK, my heart pounding.

We are going out to dinner. My boss and his wife and me. Hmmm. I am sitting at home waiting. I am going to wear no makeup, and my hair is curly. I like no makeup, I look really really young. I feel a strange anticipation. A big night ahead.

/

Last night my boss and his wife picked me up after work, all dressed fancy. They both looked so hot. Two very gorgeous people. Good taste as well. We went to Tarpon Bend in Coral Gables . There was some small talk in their car. They told me they live now in this place on South beach, above Nikki Beach and it's so loud compared to where I live in the Gables. They ordered Martinis and appetizers. I ate guacamole and pico de gallo.

I pulled out my folder of notes I have taken in a long time. told them all my ideas, marketing ideas, and we talked for hours. There were moments. The Doctor told me all about his struggle, running away to Spain, becoming a Doctor, and trying to pay for school when noone would help him, or believed in him. He also told me the story behind his business, what inspires him and his business vision. He told me of all the bad stuff going on in the Medical business that he wants no part of , and how Doctors refer patients, for a price, and that in turn leads them to refer to just about anyone, regardless of reputation. He told me does not do that. I was so happy. He told me his business grows out of word of mouth, they do no advertising, and it is for good service.
 
His wife told me her life is for her kids and helping him out. Someone was playing footises with me, but I think it was an accident, or the wife.  She invited me to their place, in the nicest building on South Beach, 30th Floor, whenever I wanted. All she cares about is her kids, and her husband is number 2. That is what she says. He said he has no problem with that. She tells me herand her kids walk on Lincoln Road and she has to go for hours t the Apple store for her son and then the skateboard shop for her daughter , then they are to tired for her to go shopping.

They told me that they see something in me, that they can trust very few people, with all that they have been through, and they are looking for people who go the extra mile, and work as hard as me. I got showered with compliments at my work ethic and what I take on, at work. They went on about my potential and how rewarding it could be.  I told him, the success that he has, I want for myself. I told them I want to write a novel.

We planned a one year company party day at the beach, playing volleyball at this condo building, for the 21st. I am, going to make invitations.  Monday I have to plan wine baskets for the Doctors who send us patients, with nice cards. I am also doing their website, I have been researching how, and I want to rewrite their business plan/ letter of intent. Also group photos and photos of thir equipment and business. I am doing much more too. I have a whole folder of my ideas. It all came easy for me.

He told me of his real estate and investment hobbies.

I learned so much, about their struggle, in work , in success, how they got there and their marriage that lasted since college. Their kids, their beliefs, what they thought about every morning, what drives them to succeed.

I felt so much love and affection. I stared into beautiful eyes, I stared and listened to passions and I really admire and feel their power. The Doctor was drunk, and talked alot, and we all listened. His eyes, were shining and I saw the glimmer, the shine, and the intensity. I saw underneath his eyes, I saw nothing, I saw what was there. I put no thought between us. He was staring at me, and I was at him, for ages. At times, I was like, wow why is this beautiful man looking at me so much. He was dressed up and looked so good. His wife, beautiful brunette, feeling all touchy feely and smiling, like a little girl, from Puerto Rico. talking about their love for each other. It was too much. I had to go home, the lights went on. I sometimes felt weird we were staring at each other with his wife there, but it was totally cool. I stared at her too. I was happy. I was in reality, not in fantasy, and reality is so much better.



//

This is interesting:   http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/

My thoughts on it: the story of the Zodiac is fascinating. A calendar in the sky with characters. Dark versus light is compared to good versus evil, night versus day. Interesting.

Comparing Horus to Jesus, ineteresting. Wow, Horus and Jesus have the same structure of life. He was born of a virgin too, under the eastern star, all adorned by three kings, who performed miracles, baptized by Anup, crucified and resurrected, so was Dionysus, Krishna and Mithra. All were born of virgins, known as teachers, god's only son, the light, lamb of god, etc..All had 12 disciples and dead for 3 days. And there is a whole list of others too. Same life, all betrayed as well. All born on Christmas. Winter solstice. Wow. Death of the Sun, then dead for 3 days, and rebirth. Just like the sun. Many gods have this same structure.

Virgin Mary, is the constellation, Virgo? Why the rebirth, Virgin birth? Why star in the east, why teacher, why all baptized? Dec 25th is when this happens with the sun.

Jesus is actually the Sun god? Or basically all religions?

Orion's belt is the three kings? Watching the sun rise from the Star Sirus? On Christmas?

The cross is actually from the cross of the zodiac? Wow, too true! The sun of god, the light of the world, who willl come again, as it does every morning, born again every morning...up in heaven, with his crown of thorns, or sun rays? Jesus, sun god?

Why not just worship the Sun?

2150 will be the age of Aquarius. I may live that long. I want to, How could I miss this? Jesus was the age of Pisces...and fish are very symbolic of him. It's pagan of the sun's kingdom in the age of pisces.
The 12 constellations, as the 12 disciples?

Jesus is actually plagiarized HORUS? He also had annunciation, virgin mother, immaculate conception, same birth, miracles and healings, death, resurrection, adoration. Also the arc, flood, sighting of a dove was in the Egyptian mythology, in the Epic of Gilgamesh. I did not know that!!

wow, don't I feel like an idiot, I know this too. I studied Egyptian religion back ten years ago. I heard of this stuff, but it is so long ago.