"Our species is the only creative species, and it has only one creative instrument, the individual mind and the spirit of a man.... And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I would fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual." - John Steinbeck East of Eden

I had a terrible dinner date last night. It made me sad. Reminded me of that date in Paris, where my date, this really seemingly nice guy, kept egging me on about vegetarianism, after I told him I was one. Extremely uncomfortable listening to it, he as eating a steak, looking at me and saying how he loves animals, on his plate. "You must be cold, because you don't eat meat"," I loves the taste of animal blood, yummmyyy mmmmm", " Look at this kidney, don't you want to eat it?" etc.. It got to a point I felt he was disrespecting me and didn't like me. I was nice, but felt depressed, in my politeness, and then really sad all night.

I know my friend last night, ahead of time, wanted to argue, just for the sake of opposing me. He told me before he wants to challenge me, to be a better writer. But then these ugly horrific ideas come out of his mouth, as his own. He asks me to forget it later, so I pretty much can't respect anything he says as how he feels, or if he is just making it up to test me.

After agruing all day he told me he would let me buy him the Fountainhead, if he bought me some book by Joseph Campbell and we would read them together. He was asking me to compromise my beliefs. But he knew that I don't compromise, already, he knows me. I was confused.

But in reality, he was just giving me the true nature of himself. He is a collectivist. I was horrified, I was so scared to be there listening to his speeches. I tried to talk reason into him, but I think he wanted a full on fight. He kept egging me on, and he gave me his dream, which was to totally devote his life to the free service of others, for charity, because that is what made him happy. It was the bomb because in our long friendship, he knows that I am a objectivist. I told him how I felt about it, because he asked, he knew, I mean, he knew, but he kept asking me, trying to break me, and he was not satisfied, he wanted to know the why's.

He knows the why's, we were arguing about it all day, through about 30 emails. I showed him exactly and he later agreed with me on many points. But he wanted to fight me anyways.He told me I was not being convincing, because I stopped arguing. Truth is I was starting to feel really freaked out by him. I saw evil and the ugly nature of man, in his words. I gave him the same answers and he would question my compassion.

I saw right through him, he needs approval of others and he needs to follow orders and be in a group, a pretend family, full of unearned love for him. He is looking for appreciation from others, he will not get. I saw it because I know how collectivists think. I tell him this, and he denies it, telling me he is an individual.

He told he he hated being a lawyer, and that is why he works for the state, who pays him very little no matter how hard he works. I asked him why doesn't he want to have his own business, why work at the lowest rung? He does not like Law enough. I don't believe that, Law is very noble indeed.

His life should be devoted for charity, he said. That will make his life even worse I told him. He will be even more a slave, for no appreciation that he seeks, in the eyes of others. All those long hours of work given away, for free. He wants the acceptance of others. Of his clients, of his peers, for a greater good. Maybe of his long lost mother.

Then he told me this long story when he was a little boy he gave a monkey to a bum and the bum thanked him and his mom gave him extra 5 dollars for doing it. How good it felt to make a difference and help someone. I told him honestly, that he did not help the bum out at all and made no difference, at all. Maybe the bum felt guilty, that is about the best he did.. except maybe he, himself, felt superior, and got the approval of his mother! (others)

If anything, he was paying homage to malevolent values nursed in himself. That poverty is good. Rewarding the incompetent. It would have made a bigger difference if he gave that monkey to an honest hardworking  successful businessman who truly deserves it.

Here I was frowning in my guacamole, outdoors at Cheesecake factory so bored and depressed. He finds heroism in the little people. The business man, or money, is evil. I was told to run from people who said that.

I care because he was my friend and that is why I wasted all day trying to reason with him rationally. It's no use. I was dead and tired, very disapointed. Rock bottom disapointed.

He won't ever find appreciation, in the eyes of others. He wants to be ruled, basically, by anyone else "out there". He claims he is making a difference in the world ( "For whom?" I asked " for others", then, " For me" which is what he meant ) I asked him "what about helping others, helps you" Approval, acceptance, belonging, self worth, "how are you going to help yourself?" " By helping others" so their approval, appreciation is what his happiness is based on, solely that?

I told him he is a Peter Keating. I took it back, but I give it back now.

You guys hearing this, it sounds nice sentiments, but in reality it's the same thing as communism, gestapo, bread lines,concentration camp tattoos, etc..because these groups advocate that we need to work for the good of all ( and who makes up the rules, they do), mob mentality, good for the world, ( says who), handouts for people, robbing and looting from the businessmen, etc, this grows into rules , laws, passed that take away from individual freedom, and they tell people what everyone's duty is to the poor, etc..who to hire, more taxes, who to hate, more control. Totalistarianism.

Plus the Aclu is for affirmative action and anti discrimination laws, against private property which is a huge evil to liberty. They pick and choose base on politics, only. They are ineffectual. Collectivists have an illogical support of UN, World Government, Amnesty International, for world control and regulations, on what is right and wrong. They manipulate with seemingly good causes that sound humanitarian, but actually it will all spell evil as they get control and power. It's a gang and they are not on your side. They want you to be like them. For the good of all.

And they have done nothing so far.

" I want to serve others for free, for the greater good, for the benefit of : ( you pick)

( humanity, state, country, head of state, ideal, common people, little worker, proletariats, communiusts, socialists)
 
I do this FOR ME, see, therefore I am individual, for individual rights". That is an irrational argument, that because he stands for the enemy of individual rights, as an individual, he is working for the individual.. That is how these people think. That is how they are. That is what he told me last night. That is who he is. And he won't accept or see, that that is being the enemy of the self and "I". 

I try to tell him that the group is not superior to the individual. He stated that that was who he was, in defiance of me. He seemed proud of it.

I cried, fell into despair, and asked to be taken home. I felt like the loneliest person on the planet, like that day in Paris. I feel I really am in a sea of human weakness . Even Mbh who has one of the lowest natures, seemed good enough to call. I was sad and alone. I cried for him, I missed MBh so much. I cried and cried like a baby. Lost. There at the table. I was so unhappy. I cried because until I make something of myself, I will be around idiots. I yearn for smart people, it doesn't matter if they are wrong, when you reason with them, they see what is right and truly good. Good people are good people,

To cheer me up, he told me he went on a date with some woman, two weeks ago, and then he smeared her in front of me, trying to compliment me. ( I did notice a hickey on his neck a while ago, when we were at a party. ) He said I have more to offer, than her, because I want to be a writer, and she, who had her own house all decorated fancy and a nice car, and liked expensive things, wants just to look good. Big insult to me, hurt my feelings very much, swallowed it gracefuly. I don't think he thought, before he said it.

He asked me on the way home if it was anything, that he said that night, that had upset me .

I actually kind of slammed the door in his face when he walked me to the door trying to hug or kiss me. It was too much. I feel so alone. I lay in bed, looking up at the walls and I cried myself to sleep.

Now I feel the world is against me and all I have is my work. My book is coming along fine, I paint the enemies well, I have plenty of information on them, I just need some heroic people to study. I need to pull it out of me, somewhere. I would love to meet to connect with someone who is inherently good. God I want that. It is so lonely being a writer. I need someone benevolent. I miss human love for good values. I know what I have done in the past puts me where I am, but I am working from the bottom up now the right way. Work is work. I have to be good at it. I have to write all the time, I cannot stop.

On tolerance:

In San Francsico I met and introduced two lesbians, who were Super cute, one was 15 and the other 16. One was Palestine and the other Israeli. They liked each other but as soon as the flags of their country went up, there was trouble. They were each expecting the other to not have any national pride ( statism ) but as soon as they saw each other for the individual, it was cool. We had a lot of fun. I learned alot in that.

I learned to never mention or discuss how evil meat is , with a meat eater. Never during a meal, not even if they egg me on. Of course I was not always like that. Now, I tend to overlook many faults in my friends. One day when I succeed, I can afford to be picky and choose who my friends are..

But last night made me think, overlooking things, well, it may not work, I think a little poison, is still poison. On the good and bad chart, in between is considered bad. Settling for less than my values, is bad, basically.

Ayn rand said, " Suffering comes automatically from the absence of action" I love that. I love her. I do. I need to do more work. I need to exercise better choices and be rewarded by good ones.

Quotes I found from http://www.selfsip.org/fundamentals/we.html

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I am donating my brain to Harvard University, when I die. I talked it over with my mom.

I filled out a form http://www.brainbank.mclean.org/

And when I die my mom is going to call 1 800 brain-bank and have my brain shipped off. I am not joking and I am very serious. I filled out the form, I just have to mail it.

I wanted to do my entire body but they have storage problems and rarely accept. I can look into it maybe in Paris, France. I would like that very much. Trick is, getting my mom to obey me. Maybe I need to hire lawyer to take care of this, when I die.

I do not want a funeral, or burial. I want to be in a classroom, in jars, on tables, cut up and sent to labs. Note to self: convince mom.




9/4

I feel much better now.

I ate watermelon and two big bowls of peeled cucumber diced with tomatoes and avocado. Last night I had a plate of strawberries and a quart of guarapo, maybe a few green leafs in my mom's fridge. Mamey and banana smoothies as well, two blenders full.

 I feel guilty. No writing today or yesterday, but lying in bed, and napping. I am scared of something. I am restless. I am going to Costa Rica tomorrow morning.

I spent hours reading MY YEARS WITH AYN RAND by Nathaniel Branden, very interesting story. Painful ending. Inside a man's mind is really fascinating. I love reading bios, autobios, of real rational people.

I feel like my life is on hold and when I come back Tuesday from Costa Rica, I will resume and be changed forever. My mind is a little unnerved. I will be alone for a day or two. I get nervous. I will bring my camera but carry it with me, along with my cash , cc and my passport.

Forecast there: thunderstorms. I really hope there is not another hurricane coming. It's thundering here, I took a nap and listen to the soft rumbles and the street noises. I have wall to wall windows here.

Nothing eventful happened. I feel bad, because I like action so much, but I have things on my mind. Note to self, I only should make one thing on my mind, besides me, my book! I must try to get somewhere with it. I am stuck rewriting and rewriting, add ing and I just want to get my outline followed correctly. I thought being at my mom's would help, but it isn't. I am left to lie in bed and get waited on.

I may have figured out why I am upset. I feel guilt. I do. I miss my old job, I feel terrible for what I did to the Doctor. I liked him so much. I feel awful. I do. I am not a cruel person, but I acted as such. Well, I don't feel awful but since I quit. Maybe underneath it all, in the dark , I wake up a little scared of something. I feel, well, my life has slowed down since I quit. It was too much for me to work 12 hours a day though. I should have cut it in half. They needed me, but I need me too.

Mbh says I never finish things. I am like that. If I do not like something I quit. When I go to school, and say, this isn't for me, I mean it.

 I liked it there, but I also want to be a writer and the things I have done so far are so worth it, it colors my life in a way I never felt.

Instead of feeling trapped, I can do something. I already apologized, so that isn't it. I need to move on, replace that job with a new one where I am fair to myself and my work hours. Then come home and write. Or I can just write non stop, find a way to do it. Just do it. I want that. i want to be the greatest I have ever been. I want to do new things. I feel I am smart and with thought, I can create new ways of being. I can learn to be the person I dream about being.


what does my book mean to me? It can be done, it is easy work, it is the reality I want. It is the wishes I want. I want to curse all that does not work for me and show by example, all that will work for me, is working and creating a masterpiece. I mean I will and want to and have the time and have the ability. There is a part of me that needs to come out and be a hero, be the person I am seeking to be like, the all powerful. My ideal woman is a beautiful one who has beauty and intelligence. Who has a powerful man yet does her own work, is all powerful, complete, feminine and happy. Always looking beautiful. I want to be beautiful and I know how I know what it is. I do. I can do it easily, I have to want to be that beauty in myself. I have to be what I love. I want beauty and talent, not just intelligence, but I want proof that I am intelligent. Tangible proof.
Listening to music is therapy. I give alot of energy away and it feels good to me. It feels good to find someone in my mind that fits my ideal of beauty. That drives me crazy with passion. Why do I want it so bad, Why do I want to love someone perfect, very rare and I find this in the strangest places. I think I may create it, but If I create it in my mind, I lack patience.  Lacking patience, is that wrong.

Is there honestly something ever wrong? I mean, why do I think my life is somehow wrong, and I cannot make it work, or something, when it is working, I get what I work for and don;t get what I do not work for. Everything in my life I have asked for. I simply earned everything. So What is it I want to earn for myself, that will give me happiness? Happiness is work, is it really>>
Is happiness living for the self? it sounds so great. Love that which I am in love with, is in fact, myself, I am that which I love. I am.

I guess I want answers from my unconcious, I want it to pour out of me. I want to drink up the truth about what will make me happy?

Writing, I hate sometimes, because I go into parts of my past, that I hate, and love, and it is so personal. Is that called getting it out of your system, or maybe fixing it? Or just seeing what I have hated, and what I have loved, and act accordingly to the future?

I want to write for me, and noone else, I want to be figuring out something, a public diary it well, it kind of takes a little of the who I am writing to, away from the center stage of my own mind, as audience.

Letter to myself: Who am I? If I am great, then I need you to start thinking great thoughts. I need you to start thinking alot and well. I want you to be exceptional not only in looks but in mind. I want you to love me.