I drank 4 sugarcane juices tonight and it was like I am a hummingbird and that is my food. I was full all night. I am a hummingbird and I need my nectar. That is all I want. I read a book about sugarcane juice how it does not cause cavities in native sugar cane workers, but when dried up processed cane sugar is eaten , the teeth decay. As long as any food is in fruit living form, the sugar is inside the cells or something so you do not get tooth decay from fruit, but you can from sugar made from fruit and maybe even dried fruit. I like dates, does that count? I have 100$ worth of Medjools from Arizona in my fridge.

My Apartment is so clean and redecorated.

I am back home. I watched Californication and the Two Coreys so I am all caught up. I am as big as Susie Feldman now. On Californication Hank Moody is this writer with pretty low and crass wit. He says really dirty things that hurt people. The values are all in the wrong places. I don't know why I like that show. Maybe because I am hoping he will get out of his writers block, and make it again..The two Coreys is just really funny.

I need to catch up on " Flight of the Conchords" next. That is on HBo and so awesomely funny.

I got home and tried on new clothes. I look so different with my new body. I am a different person. Hard to sleep sometimes I get up and walk around. I pace. I have on a large size bra and it is still too small. I can only sleep when dead tired. I cannot try, I have to be dead tired. My chest hurts. I have only my middle muscle to hold myself up. I can't lift my arms from the surgery. I had to push my suitcase on the floor, from my dresser, to pick it up off the floor, at my hotel in Costa Rica.


I am reading For the New Intellectual. It is awesome about man and his history of evasion from reality based on witch doctor/religion stuff or Atilla King taking over and looting. All throughout history. Then also comes the producer, what the United States was built on..

I watched Britney Spears again. On the Vmas. I was so disappointed. Her face looked good and her eyes were blue but her body was not good, and even if she was a little fat, she could have tried to stick in her tummy. I just can't believe she did that half assed a job when all these people were expecting so much more and waiting to see her. She almost tripped and messed up her lip sync. She did not even try which is what is so sad. It was boring. I was expecting power and energy. She did not look like she cared.

The Vmas looked all fake. Everybody was trying to look like they were at a party but how can you be relaxed and yourself with MTV cameras everywhere. Everyone was showing off and talking cool. So what you get drunk and act dumb. But you look good and wear nice clothes.

To eat today. Besides 4 guarapos? Oh Airport food is the worst. I had frozen watermelon and papaya chunks who knows how old and I had an airport bar specially make me a papaya ice water smoothie. This was in Juan Santamaria Airport in Costa Rica. When the airport flew over I saw beautiful beaches. I saw Miami I was kind of sad. It does not feel homey to me. Where is home? I do not know. I want to make a home for me. One where I am safe and around beautiful things.

I am sitting here in bra and panties. I have to try to sleep again. My hair is long and half brown half blonde. My mom got me all these flowers and groceries. I have exotic fruit all over my table in my living room. My place is spotless. I wanted to give her my dirty laundry but decided not to. She did so much for me.

I want something new and safe to happen. I want to make it happen. I want to make something new and wonderful happen to me. I want to really be happy. I am going to get up tomorrow and write. I have not done that. In Costa Rica I wrote. Really inspiring things.

I still feel I am in paradise where everything was perfect. Life can be that. You see life is as good as you see it, and we have to choose the good, over the bad. But the bad is never out there, but in how you react to things. I am attracted to good. Good for me meaning my values. I value beauty. I value love. I vaue health. I value wealth. I value intelligence. I value genius and being able to produce. I value selfishness.

I am going to go to sleep now. Good night. I hope it all turns out the way I want it to. I know it will. I do. I need patience. My friend says, " You get things faster by being patient"






9/12

The greatest honor I do for myself is attaining my desire.
I feel real pride knowing I have done what I have sought out to do. And it is like experiencing bliss or ecstasy.

Knowing that what you want is as good as in your hands. No matter what, the hardest thing on the planet to attain, it takes work and energy and when you are there, it is like a crown of wreaths on your head. Victory.

I think the highest goal of mine, so pure , so true so wanted...is actually a symbol of the greatest me there is.

I know what it feels like to attain the hardest thing in the world. It is the bliss of a thousand ecstasies.
 
Forever having what one has wanted all one's life. I know what it tastes like to have and accomplish it. I know what perfection is, when one's mind is attuned to the finest thing, one will not always get it. You have to be unstoppable and work and always choose good.

Patience is a new friend. It is something I am going to choose in everything. Good over evil.

Good, what is good, what makes me happy is good. I need to draw boundaries and know for sure what is good and what is evil because confused people get the two mixed up.

Good is what is good for me, what I LIKE. That is good.







After surgery I had to hold my shoulders up from pain. I admit I do not look so pretty here, I was in bed and I was detoxing all these anesthesia and medication.. this old lady swimsuit was all that fit me. My boobs look smaller here than in reality, trust me. The bathing suit lines are not accurate and I am hunched over.





That is an active Volcano behind me called Arenal



Geothermal 100 degree waterfalls everywhere, super hot and fun\
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Fruit salads, this one had yogurt in it, I did not eat this, I am vegan, but look how fancy they make food here.



Look at this fruitarian boy who never had anything but fruit. His name is Cappi and his mom is a fruitarian on myspace page in Australia
I love this kid and I never met him. His mom says all the ladies tune into him instantly wherever he goes.






Today was beautiful day, It was, alot in life is work and I wonder what it is for but to make me happy. So if everything is meant to make me happy, I need to do what I love and that is write,.


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I felt a little bad so I stayed in bed. I watched a lot of tv. I had smoothies mostly.
I wrote but not much, mostly editing.

Watching tv, I watched really skinny girls going crazy like Paris, Lindsey and Nicole Ritchie. Paris is so beautiful. She always looks perfect. It makes me sad that they are all chasing something invisible. What good does it do to party all the time, unless their career depends on it, because of paparazzi. It's the easy way to fame. As long as that partying doesn't turn you ugly like Tara Reid.
 
I have known girls who party to stay skinny with cocaine. In Boston I have seen alot of it. beautiful rich girls with nothing to do. Running after something, Love maybe...in a crowd somewhere.  After hours and then after hours again. What are they waiting for? Why keep the party going? What is going to happen? Are you going to be so high you get inside someone's head and do not feel alone? Around a glitz of lights and designer clothes? It's like pretending you live in another world. Takes you away from reality of here and now, away from fantasy where all you are is some lonely girl. So desperate for someone good enough to show off. To earn something false. To earn envy.

I over pluck my eyebrows. From now on I am getting it done professionally for 10 bucks. These are things I think about today. Nothing deep.

The tv is my life today. It's so great and better in there. Or at least more interesting. Nothing happened today excpet recuperation. I can see people compare their life to those on tv and think, wow, my life is not that interesting. I mean, is life about going to parties and dressing up or looking hot. Maybe, to some. Kimora, runways, Paris, heirs, cocaine, being so rich..I mean, being rich is a product of hard work, not partying. Paris works hard and suffers  for beauty so in a way that is her ork, looking good. It's an impossible feat for most women to look as good as she. SO thin and blonde, clean, immaculate makeup, jewelry and the best dresses ever. I have never see her look back. That is hard work. That is her value. Not only looking good, but starving and having the best posture always. Always looking comfortable. But why all the partying? Mentally she has not fallen apart, that takes discipline, all the times she is drunk or on drugs, she looks good.

I feel bad for Britney, all over tv, but in a way, she represents what a lot of women are feeling, that they are too fat. I can see alot of women starving now, after this. It's so sad. I really feel Britney might want to kill herself. How can she let her life go like this? I mean, we all have had our moments. We see our moments in her and see our own insanity and want to steer clear from. It's a disaster but for all of us, and it really soured the night of VMA history.

I am ready to live a new life. I am ready to be different. I know what it is that I love. I love feeling good and I love beauty. I love life and I want to be healthy. I love love. I do. I love the best in me. I know what the best in me is. I know it. That is something amazing to know. I recommend it.

I feel I need to be somewhere, go somewhere..I just want to feel home. Home in my body. I want to be satisfied inside a body I want. A face I want. I can have it. Home, belonging and perfection. I want a body where digestion is fast and clean. I want to eat right and have energy to be beautiful.

 Home is something I create. Its a space that is nice and warm, where things are happening and I am working. I am moving my head and words just come out of me like fluid. Is it like opening a vein over blank paper, writing, yes, but it is not as graphic, its like drooling or crying..peeing, having a period, hahah I want to create a home where I am in it and I am happy and successful, meaning I go after my values. I value good things. I mean, what I consider the best thing in life. I am happy. I can live. I can have what I want all the time, by working on it and never giving up.

Why do spam casserole recipes show up on my gmail everyday? I always wondered about that. Right on top of my email. The commercials on the sides, represent the type of emails you have. They are scanned and then commercials based on what you last write, show up. Mostly I have plane flights to Costa rica showing up. I am done with that.

On tv, like reality shows, they purposely set up conflicts and you see the choices people make. Not very wise ones usually. I mean, use your brains, people. If you know fighting with each other takes points away from a competition, why fight? If there are rules, follow them. Otherwise you are kicked off. How hard is it?

I have  path ahead of me, and I need to follow it. A path of my own creation. When I stray I suffer, when I stay I am rewarded.

What happened to Britney is a warning to all of us women. We cannot let that ever happen to us. Not even "go"
a little.  Poor girl. She must be really insane right now. To lose so much. wow. Public humiliation, a public embarrassment. Something is going to happen next, either good or bad.




Sep/14

Since I am now bra size 32dd, the HARDEST bra size to find, ever, I have to specially order. I spent the day on ebay bidding . I usually have always worn 34b and then lately 34c, but recently I had 32b and I was so happy before, it was a perfect fit. Then I found 34 c and that was comfortable for my sides. After surgery,now I need 32DD.

"Capitalism and Communism stand at opposite poles.
Their essential difference is this:   The Communist, seeing the rich man and his fine home, says: 'No man should have this much'. The Capitalist, seeing the same thing, says: 'All men should have this much.' "

–Phelps Adams

"I think all the great religions of the world - Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity, Islam and Communism - are all untrue and harmful."

-Bertrand Russell

I have got to stop lying in bed all day. Hanging at my mom's house is the worst. I am a little in pain, but I notice when lying around, my pain is more dramatic. Since she is my mom and acts like my maid, I turn into this helpless little girl who needs to be waited on. I lie in bed, watch meaningless tv and am lazy. I say, " Momma make me a smoothie!" just like Cartman and his pot pies.
 
Laziness is a crime and I suffer for it, I get very unhappy when I am lazy. I do.

My dress strap broke so I am without clothes. I refuse to wear tshirts unless they re sexy and cool. My mom has all these ugly ones.
 
I have not showered and I crawl in bed, check my email and gossip with others online. Crawl back in bed to watch E true hollywood stories.

Earlier, I was Myspacing, please kill me now, haven't I learned my lesson by now? I want real people, real situaitons. That is why I need to be successful writer. It's a process.

I am going to a job fair at University of Miami next weekend. I need to get out and work hard and just be around people.

Ok, writing at my mom's, does not work. Period. I thought it would be better, but I need to stay at my apartment and my place. Now she is asking me for my Hdtv since I never ever watch it. Like I am moving in or something. Never. Ever. I need to be HOME. Away from here.

My dress strap broke so I need to find something in my mom's closet. She dresses like an old lady lately.

I love to think and I love to work... and thinking is just this process where amazing things happen. You can be so proud of what comes out of you. It's like love of reality. Reality rewards you back, just like fruit does.

I think Kim Kardashian is so beautiful. I don't know what she does, but she is breathtaking. Makes me wants to be a brunette again. I saw Vanessa Hudgeon's naked picture online. She is super pretty too. Who cares, the naked body is beautiful. If you are pretty, it's ok, if you are ugly, no thanks.

All I ate today was watermelon. I was not hungry. I am watching Newport Harbor. I am going out to see Across the Universe movie tonight. I am dressed up in heels and a nice dress with a red sash.

I can't wait to see Gossip  on tv. Look at me.



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9/15

I went to the Everglades today with a girl from Myspace. She is really pretty and has long black hair. She is beautiful with killer body. Anyways we went to the everglades to this Airboat tour safari.

I was reading "Messages in Water" she had on her carseat.. I was looking at water crystals from tap water and water crystals next to a cell phone. Not pretty. It was ugly when water was set on a tv, too. The crystals look like the same were formed when the word satan was written on bottles of water.

We also talked about This book called The Secret Life of Plants where electrodes were attached to a plant and a lighter was shown to a plant. No response. The plant was burned with the lighter. Big response. Then every time a lighter was placed near the plant, there was a response, as if the plant was scared of the lighter or remembered it.

She is a raw foodist and a dancer. Very good looking.

We got lost and when I asked for directions at a supermarket with two lesbian owners, I found for sale:

pickled sausage ewwwwww

pigs feet

Spamtastic!! macaroni and cheese with spam and tomatoes

pig skins fried sitting in a platter of oil

Isn't that the most disgusting food?

We got there fine, and paid for an airboat ride.





There was a museum of how these birds faced extinction because of :


To the teller, I made a joke that we have a coupon but we left it in the car, and he gave us a discount anyways. We got in the airboat and ate oranges. I had earplugs because you can't hear anything with the motor on. It was nice. We went fast and sideways and pulled into little holes in the mangroves.

We saw longnose Garps which look like Dr. Seuss fish with spots and long suction nose. We saw Herons.
 
We saw water lilies and yellow flowers. It was so beautfiul speeding in this vast praire of water grasses.

Then we came back and docked. We saw an alligator show. Some guy was doing tricks with alligators that were hissing at him.

I got to carry an alligator later and pose, it was fun.


We took walks and saw banana trees


and some sort of fruit, I forgot the name of, it was like a cherimoya. We saw alligators and crocodiles basking in the sun up close
.

She told me she was married for many years, and she has nothing in common with her husband and feeling well, bored. I told her to stay together. It is a big accomplishment for a married couple to stay married forever...through the hard and worst times especially. I suggested she stay.

We then went to Shark valley and began walking. It's 8 miles alone in the everglades. One way. Then you have to walk back. The sun started hitting us. We heard Pig Frogs that sound like pigs snorting. We heard baby alligators and then saw it's mother come towards us in the water.

We walked through woods on paths and saw Otter holes. We were so scared of Poison plants. We ate Sawgrass roots, which was delicious. It was so good, when we were hungry we found some and stripped away the leaves and pulled out the shoots. Both of us moaning if we found a fat one. She left her edible Florida wildflower book at home so we didn't know what else to eat. This filled us up. We saw lots of strange birds sunbathing. We photographed butterflies.

I found Monarchs,

Swallow tails and these others I forget the names.

We were so hot and dying, not going to make it. This handsome bike rider rode by, stopped, saw we were hot, and he gave us all his water, which was frozen. It was like agifty from heaven. We were so happy and it's because of his kindness we stayed alive and made it. It was so hot.

It was so peaceful being in the everglades, and when the wind blew the reeds looked rainbow colors. We saw turtles.
 

Then our water ran out, and we were unhappy, and guess who shows up, the bike rider again, with more frozen water and he brought us apples. That was incredible after being alone in the heat for several hours. I mean, he was sweating and it's an 8 mile stretch in the sun.

SO we ate them listening to him talk about how he has to go back to Iraq war. He said over there he has killed people. He said it is very scary because over there all the people look at you like they hate you. He saw a man pull out a machete about to kill his friend and he had to shoot him. He blew his head off he said. I can't imagine. He also told us many times he has killed someone. He said the women are so scared and believe men to be so superior they are not allowed to look at you. He was in a car that had a bomb, and he was so messed up that for months afterwards his brain was affected, and could not flush a toilet or tie his shoes, he would not know how to do it. His brain was mush. They let him come home. Now they want him to go back.

We saw the last Tram back and asked if we could get a ride back. The guy said Uh Huh. We did for free.

We saw killer, in the parking lot again. He was stalking us totally.

On our way home, we found Palacio Del Jugos, a chain cuban store, on the way home out there. I bought half gallon of sugarcane juice, and one for home, and she got Mamey juice. I also bought a mushy ripe mamey.


More nasty food, oh the other side was grosser, I just could not take a camera over there.

We saw foods like arepas which is like a corn meal panacke and cheese melted in it ,

or we saw farmer cheese and guava paste sandwiches,

I forget what these are called, boiled corn mush wrapped in corn husks , why? Why torture the corn?
 Pig BUTTER meaning grease from cooking it, you could use it to fry chicken periods, er,I mean eggs.
, and the greasiest food you ever saw in your life.
Liver fried in oily stew and kidney goulash, there was lot os foods sitting in grease. I could never ever eat that food.

We drove home and talked about men molesting their children. I told her the story of my friends who were molested, one is now dead and the other, pretty depraved. I told her about the Anais Nin diary volume, "Incest" where she had an adult relationship with her dad, who was hot, and absent in her childhood. How she wrote about the whole affair.

It was pretty fun day. She had breast implants too, once, but had them removed.

People keep asking me, so here, is what they look like. Smaller bra size pushes it up a bit. They are swollen and will get much smaller and the top ( now muscle) will atrophy so it will be soft to the touch in 3-4 months.


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Oh I saw the Movie Across the Universe with a friend. Oh it was the best movie I saw in a theatre since Natural Born Killers. I want to live in that movie. It was so beautiful. It was a musical. 60's songs and sixties sadness and madness with Vietnam.