My heart is filled with joy and happiness. I know I have something good.


9/21


This photo is a few months old, a friend of E's took it at his house one day. Him and his friends were playing with guns.

I am wearing a Sweatshirt dress by Juicy. It even has pockets in the front, just like a sweatshirt. It probably won't fit my now anymore.

I need a stylist, I really do. I look at the clothes I pick and think, omg. I do. I need a good one.





Fountain on my way to Graziano's to get their fruit salad.


Funny Videos
to watch

http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=16797934

My friend, Frukti, a gorgeous 19 year old fruitarian, I love her, drew me.



Isn't that cute?
 
Now I have to draw her. Oh what fun.  Illustrator is the best.

I went to Victoria's Secret. No such size 32dd exists there, so I had to buy a 34 dd push up bra. It was too much. It's a push up bra alright. That is why I bought it.

I got my 32dd bra in the mail, from ebay, and it fits perfect.. Oh I am so happy.

I spent a few hours designing a photo signature. Professional photographers sign their photos so noone uses them, like with a Copyright sign or 2007. I have seen others use my pictures on their websites. I don't mind, but I just want credit, and I don't want people thinking I steal. I took those photos. haha
So I made a little sign with a strawberry, drop shadow and embossed. On all my photographs I post from now one, will have it. It is cute.


Here is a sample. Maybe I should put 2007. Or suvine.com? It looks like its too much but I can make it transparent. I think something like this is important because photography is an art form and you need to sign it.



So strawberries...

watch this..









I love this band Feist. I cannot stop listening to their cd.



Reminds me of the 20 or so times I have been flying this year. Constantly in an airport. I cannot help it. I want to always get away.


I dress you up in luxury and in wealth, but still you do not smile. I cover you with kisses and yet what do you want, is something from someone else's life . That means you have to work to earn it. You want love, you want beauty and you are loving with all your heart and it will give you what you want, patience is the key, and miracles will happen as a result of hard work. You have all that you need, you have so much, fill yourself with love and keep loving, tears, they are a form of love as well. Cry if you have to. Reach into your heart and the love that noone gives, give. Give it away,be an angel for it. Be a Martyr for it. Love until you cannot. Love until you drop dead. Love until you are so skinny there is nothing left. Love until it hurts you, and you cry.


Look what I found in my closet. ( Maria is my birth name.) David Wolfe gave this to me, while showing me this special oxygen apparatus. I watched every single episode of Mad mad house.






9/22 SUUNNNDDAY



I have been hard on my mom and her stubborn embonpoint. She has no waist. It's just like she is this... mass.  And she eats very little. I think she does not exercise, or eats the wrong things. Rice glue, bread dough, and bagel crackers. Other than that she eats healthy, vegetarian, meaning the occasional tuna fish sandwich. Maybe that is when I am around only.  She is addicted to that cuban coffee, which is like liquid gasoline for the body. She has all this plastic surgery, but does not take care of herself, so in the end, it just made no difference. Butt implants on a fat person, just doesn't look right. Please don't let her ever read this.

I am hard on myself too. Ask any celebrity. Dieting, is a lifestyle, dieting, as an everyday discipline.

 Without exercise it is harder to stay in shape. Not really for me, but for cooked food eaters. It's easy to be skinny as fruitarian. When I was a Raw vegan, I was overweight, with all the combo abombos ( combination abominations). I ate alot and loved drowning myself in foods, and then I had to eat more to counter all the toxic food like salt, theobromine or processed condiments.
 
Occasionally, now, if I add salt, or any toxic sauces, I will overeat, and then overeat later, as well, because of a burning raging hunger, to kind of neutralize the bad stuff, with more of it. When I eat just fruits, plain, it's like my stomach turns off when full. And I am not hungry. I have not eaten alot lately, and I am not hungry. I eat more of thirst. And I am not hungry. wow. I never knew this before.

I still want to look good, so I indeed have to start exercise. At least 6 hours a week. Now it is 0 hours a week, for months now. My calves and my arms are so weak. I bike ride, but that is way too easy. I love to jog, but I have a wait a little, unless I want my breasts in my armpits. I am going to do ballet. Alone. I ordered an exercise book. I have done it many years enough to know the proper placement and position.

I have abated pride the less I do of writing work, or the less, I think enough in new terms. I have not abandoned hope in myself. I still want to be a writer, and I want to do this full time. I do not want anything else. I enjoy it. I don't just reewrite history, I discover, I play with the right ideas, I invent new values.

I abhor thraldom in work that is not personal. Working for others, is meaningless to me, except by the gracious charity, of a paycheck. That to me, is abject submission. There are plenty of good workers, I just have a brain, I need to nurture. I want to work for myself.

I either have to start abbreviating visits to my email, or not surfing at all. How many times a day do I have to check it? Every day I come home, I still look for presents on my doorstep as well. I sometimes check for cars in my driveway, I know and love. Those are some of my habits. Always abiding a romance. Love and beauty are my highest values.

SO then next it is washing the hair. I use shampoo and conditioner for colored hair. I shave, and I scrub my face now. Putting on a dress, light makeup, and getting some Fresh Squeezed OJ. Finishing my book and writing. I have to go out. I have to execise somehow.


To a wonderful day, to a beautiful time.


*****************************************

9/23


I saw a sneak peak at the first episode of "CANE"..wowowow It was so good, I always hated the Sopranos because it seemed low class, but the DUQUES have alot, and real family values, except murder, of course. They are so glamorous. I was so happy to see fields and fields, of sugarcane. I love sugarcane juice. I have some on my desk right now!

What is killing Papa Duque are these:

Looks like fried chicken and these balls of stuffed meat. Who knows what they are called and pastelitos. Papa Duque eats those in CANE. His son also takes his son out for a heart to heart over cuban coffee, " cafecitos".



All these places sell these and they are sometimes days old, under heaters.



I think this meat slices on this sandwich, has pockets of fat. Polka dots of grease.

Alot of these Cuban places, and Spanish people from South America like to keep food out. I guess in their country they do not have fridges, until recently. I have seen this even in people's houses. They keep food out on the stove all night.

Hey croissants are not Cuban? can you see the fat pockets in the meat?




No wonder Papa Duque ( sounds like Duke, like royalty), he only has 6 months to live. His abjured ambition, now in the hands of his adopted son, an able strategist with abnormal talents.

WATCH this trailer, for episode one, which I saw and give thumbs up!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0wl2HMTkKs

(Don't be fooled, the real blood son, is a traitor to the family.)

Anyways, I am all caught up with Flight of the Conchords, I am attracted to Gemaine. I am. He is so beautiful. The funniest one was about the actor/laundromat worker who took things too far. I saw one where they got an annoying band member, and they had to put up with him.

The Two Coreys are not on anymore, I am pretty sure in real life Corey haim disappeared from the set, after a fight, but do they have to take it off the air?? I love that show!

I saw this awesome movie by Quentin Tarantino called Deathproof. He will be studied for many many years in future film schools, as cult classic. There is noone like him.

I also saw an episode of Californication. I was a little bored with it, it's just so trashy but there is some heart to the story. It's a contrast, Male slut versus Male family guy.

I had sugarcane juice at La Carreta.
 


It's around the corner from Cafe Versailles.

In the Miami New Times, they had a photo of Chief Timoney and Mayor Diaz, meeting and drinking Cuban Coffee, there. I wondered if that was a photo op, set up. Like they are regular guys who meet up for cuban coffees at Cafe versailles, like everybody else. Maybe its political. SO they seem like they are down to earth guys who hang out in Little Havana. I doubt it. I looked for him. Not there. Ha


Look Fantasy show, I wonder, what is it? Peep show, strip bar?

I went to the Merrick Park, Coral Gables mall, with a friend. We ate at a restaurant. Well, I just had a fresh squeezed OJ. I watched a Panini being eaten.

I hate how alot of fresh squeezed OJ places already pre juiced, so they don't have to clean the machine, in days. they assure me it was squeezed in the morning, but it always tastes bad.

Alec Baldwin was there a few weeks ago at the Palm restaurant, I read in In Touch magazine

Here is me, I like this photo because in it you can see I am double jointed in my arms. I can move my elbows all around if I like.





I am not wearing a bra, there, because I want them to drop, it's this "event" where they fall, get smaller and look more real. Gravity, training straps, and daily massages are needed. It's an abrupt transition.

Some girls never drop and it stays hard and up high. I have seen it, very uncomfortable.
My girlfriend in Boston , who used to brag that Demi Moore's plastic surgeon did hers, never did and They were like hard mountains. They were absolutely irrevocable.

When I sleep most of the time, they fall to the sides and I hate it because I do not want them to heal and set in place like that, with a cavern between them.


I am also growing my hair out black. I am abrogating frying. I love brunettes, always have. My roots are half latin, not really "latina",  because I am not part of relating to that culture, I am American. People assume I am latina all the time. I am half  German, you don't see people calling me German? It's funny, in this race game, you are the dominant genes of your parents. You are the strongest.

I know I have split ends, I am growing my hair out long long long and then getting a trim, I am sick of people teling me I need to trim it so it can grow long. I have been doing that for 10 years and my hair is still not long. I am doing it my way.


I love photoshop. I made it all dark and I took out my smile lines, although it looked better before.


Yes, I know all about the hair. I look like an abstract character. Although, Ashley Simpson is making it trendy to have the growing out look, recently, in all the mags.

I am leaving it alone to grow out. It looks like it was burnt. It feels soft though because I use a ton of conditioner.

Today and yesterday:

Watermelon
Orange juice
Sugarcane juice

As you can tell I am not hungry, nor too skinny, and I eat this for days.

Even when I went through my stage a few months back, where I was eating massive avocado sauce , dates, and cucumbers and loads of fruits salads. I was still pretty skinny. Not Nicole Ritchie skinny, but skinny.

I still have an abstemious diet no matter how much I eat. My body is used to it, I crave to fill my stomach, not for taste. Although sometimes I have put a little mint in my smoothies.

The day where I feel abounding happiness is coming soon. I do, a change. I wish I believed in astrology, but I don't but I feel a change, because there is always change, we do what didn't work before, and nothing will seem like it ever works, until the time has passed..
 
I have to write, wait I am writing, but I have to write my other stuff. I have to get back to my absorbed reverie.


//


Consciousness, is needed for my survival. I need to be aware, of reality. I am avoiding alot of things in my life. I avoid truth, and focusing and sometimes dropping, to lower levels.

Sometimes. I need to bring more awareness, to my life. Otherwise I will not have self respect, inside a fog. I have to be responsible to reality. I need a good reputation of myself. I have to be aware of everything. And I need to behave. Appropriate actions. I need to act on what I see and know.

My feelings are signs of facts, but reason is what I need. I need to have an active mind. I want to be in the moment and reaching out to reality. Painful realities I need to face. I need to be aware of if I am a success or failure.

I want to see mistakes and correct them. Impulsiveness is me. I see danger, and pain, and I don't run away, yet run to it, sometimes.

I feel if someone doesn't want me, then they are good enough and if they want me, well, there must be something wrong with them. Ever hear the saying, " I don't want to belong to any club, that would have me as a member"

I sometimes have had very low self esteem. Lonliness has driven me more than love. I seek self esteem in others, when I know it starts inside of me. I feel tension and anxiety alot, alone. I tell myself everything is fine, and so the days of my life pass, feeling a little void-y inside.

If I could just get one good boyfriend, if I could just get one good friend, one more chance, one more this, one more that. It's endless. There is always the one more, I need, to be happy. If this would happen, if that, then I would be happy.

I have always felt I am missing something important. I am wrong sometimes. Sometimes, it's a little bad, my self esteem and I have my share of good self esteem. I am like medium.

I have imagined negatives. I fear the unknown. I fear poverty, lonliness, old age, death and ugliness. I have a right to exist, I feel I don't sometimes, like I need to beg for it...

I do have a right to exist.

I feel what I feel, I desire what I desire and am what I am. That is me. I hurt from that which hurts me. I am scared of what I am scared of. I love what I love.

My negative feelings, go on, have your say..

It Says, that I am lonely, that I do not feel good enough for the one I love. I feel pain, inconvenient lust, feelings of self shame.

What is true is that, I am not sure what I am doing, I know I need to be purposeful...in order to be happy in life. I need to feel loveable.

I am ashamed for a lot of things. What is wrong was wrong. What is the why, with the bad things I have done, at the time?
What sense can I find to understand myself? Why was it a good idea?

Self acceptance means accepting allll the crap..I see my feelings. There are pains I do not want to confront. I cannot stay connected to these, so I want to escape, reject and deny aspects of me.

Can I accept myself with all that? Geez, it feels hard, I dont like things, so how can I accept it. Acceptance does not mean LIKING. Just experiencing without denial what IS.

Well, that is me. I have to have respect for reality. All the crap in my life I need to accept. How can I love myself, with hating myself in the mirror? Maybe those things I hate, that I see, will make me change.

I am present to the now, I am here now. When we fight a block it grows stronger , when we accept it, it dissolves.

I feel like a failure in relationships. I do. Maybe I really am a failure in that. Can I accept that? That I am a total failure, in love relationships? Yes, I can. Well, that feels good, at least I am telling the truth to myself.

Accepting my emotions are hard, I need to breathe gently. These are my feelings, I am owning it.
Rather than deny it, live in fantasy land, or Disassociating.

Well now that I see what is, I can be inspired to grow. I can learn to grow.

Denial of my feelings, leaves me trapped, in it.

I cannot live mindlessly. What will I do with all my gifts and knowledge?
AM I going to provide the solutions for my life? I think so.

I inflict wounds on myself, when I evade what is right in front of me, the pain.

 I need to take responsibilites. People are not means to ends. Only I am. Always. For my own existence, I am responsible for everything. I am responsible for success of my relationships.

I am the cause of all the bad in my life. I am my best friend. I am the one that sees all the bad, I have to be. In order to change. In order to fix and see reality.

Noone is coming to make life right for me. Nothing is going to get better unless I do something different.

Like NateBranden, the psychologist, says, " Noone is coming..."

Noone is coming...ever. Isn't that powerful.

This diary helps with "what is", but I do not write all of it. I have to keep some things private.

I have some things that are bad. My college bill is pretty high. I do not go to graphic design school, anymore, but I need to pay, alot of money. Alot of it. I avoid this. I forget about it.

My life is mine and I am not hear to live up to anyone else expectations. There are no protectors. I am important. I do not feel this, alot. I always thought I was not. I always took easy route.

NOONE IS COMING....

I want to participate in life and get my hands dirty, play on the court, rather than watch others.

I feel if I stand out I am alone. I feel if I am beautiful, I am hated by other girls. I do have fears. I have dumbed down, to be "agreeable", I have dressed like shit, to fit in.

I speak meekly, in public, as if I do not have a right to speak. I need to be assertive. I need to express and stand up for my feelings, otherwise I hurt myself and then blame the world.


I do not want to live by chance. I want to not be adrifter. I want to have goals and go after them. I want a romantic and successful relationship.

I want to be productive. I want to exercise my ability. I want an outlet for my intelligence. To be moved is what I need. My goal is to write a book 4- 8 hours a day, and have a book in one year, next summer. I want to be accountabvle for failure or success.

I want to be as successful at intimate relationships, then I am at work. What must I do to have a successful relationship? What is my plan of action? I do not want daydreams.

Self discipline I need to cope with life. I need to dedicate myself to a long term future goal, rather than short range temptations.

My goal is to have a romantic relationship that lasts and is nurtured and nurturing. I need to think about this tonight. Goal fulfillment is necessary. Passivity equals death.


If I don't do something, nothing is going to change!!!!

Power lies in the source of wealth.

I have hidden in productive work to hide and avoid , to hide from realities of my love life. I have not interpreted this problem. the question to ask is this? What am I hiding from? Oh the misery, pain and anger. Well ,then I can;t go on living like this, in denial of utter failure, but rather accept it. I accept it.


NOONE IS COMING..

( to save you, to fix things..etc)


I say, "Only I will know I am lying to myself, Only I will know I am not honoring myself" I live for illusions sometimes, That is not good for self esteem.., but my judgement, is the one of myself, I cannot hide from. That has all the impact...in the eyes of the world, is my own eye of myself.

I am going to be truthful, I am going to admit when someone displeases me, I will not laugh at bad jokes, I will be honest and outspoken, on what I think at all times. self esteem and hypocrisy do not mix.

Moral self reproach is guilt.

9/24

My ex boyfriend D in Boston, when I was very young, as successful as any of my love affairs,  (years of nightmare disaster), but looking back, it was just as it was supposed to be.

He sent me a photo of himself.
I remember him as a Tara Reid Drunk.  It was a big problem. He was a Tara Reid drunk. I had to deal with it every night. 2 am was not a happy time for me. Every night there was somewhere to go and every weekend a grand party.

All those guys on Beacon Hill. I maybe miss the company, not the partying, or the cocaine, at all. 

I was very shallow. I would spend tons of money on expensive clothes and jewelry. I had a $1000 purse once. I would throw 15 people dinner parties and cook Lobster Thermidors.  I lived a very careless life, with no dignity. I made really bad choices. Not anymore, but its lonely now in Miami.

 I do miss preppy fashion. I wish Miami guys dressed preppy. In Buffalo, all the guys I liked wore preppy clothes as well. Here is is like Cuban influence.



I am on my way to get a massage at UM. 

 I love this grass and the gondola rider statue in it. This is in front of Betsey Johnson at Merrick park.





I found this online, it looks soooo good, it is this guy's Bryanpope on Flickr..

 

sinful..all fruit..


 A panacea for all pain, is working and action, doing something, being productive and having a purpose in life. No more abstruse reasoning, or silly excuses, but real thinking, is what I need. Real planning as well, and discipline.

It is absurdly dangerous to live in avoidance land, or denial of reality, even when I don't like it. Why am I not happy? What am I going to do about it? What is missing and what do I have to do, to change? I have abundant opportunities and skills for many ways of being and doing.

No more abusive epithets, slinging mud or being mean. I need to treat others with respect. I do not want to use mans as a mean for anything. Goodbye fairy tales, Noone is coming..I need to be intrepid and courageous by myself.

"It is not advisable, James, to venture unsolicited opinions. You should spare yourself the embarrassing discovery of their exact value to your listener." —Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

I have many hobbies, but how do I turn my hobbies into money making things? That is what I need. I am so talented in so much and very smart. It's just getting paid for what I do. And I do not want to work for others, do I? No. I want to work for myself. I feel there is always something I am lacking, some education or some knowledge. But I know alot.


I bought this new kind of fruit called baby kiwi. They look like mamoncillos. I made someone taste it and they loved it. I am waiting til I am hungry.

SO far just watermelon all day. I am just not hungry at all. I also had OJ at Jamba juice.

I go ingredients to make Lemony Zucchini Bisque ( minus the fennel bulb, oil and all these spices) a recipe from Cherie Soria.
 
I bought a white square plate and bowl so I can photograph food in. 2 dollars at Ross.

I wanted to cook tonight for my mom. Can you believe it? I was always a wannabechef. I wanted to cook her a vegetarian meal, or something really healthy. She said all she wanted was a salad. I was disappointed, but then she buys all this prepared food, like chickpea salad, and I got so mad. I would have made her that from scratch.

I would love to make raw food for someone. I just can't eat it. With all that oil and nut patties. Can't It's too heavy. This girl I know, who does marketing for Wild Oats now, told me raw food chefs prepare such bland food, but mine was always good, and would I be interested, in doing raw vegan prep classes? I said no. I should have done it. I need to get out. But my life is really about fruitarianism. I can't fake being a raw vegan. It's hypocritical.

Here are some of your favorite photos from other Flickr members.

Oh

Garlic is evil?

Look what I found out about Garlic, that on ECGs people who eat garlic are 3 times slower with brain synchronization.

Garlic Desynchronises your Brainwaves! Some pilots are not allowed to eat garlic 72 hours before flying?

READ THIS

   
There is other stuff about that too

I also read that horses that eat garlic shoots, get anemic or get jaundice. And their red blood cells, just DIE.

   Read this here

So tell me , why are humans so into things that hurt them? Is it some sort of self destruct instinct?

I love garlic. I know now if I have a little, like I DID IN Costa Rica mashed with avocado, I was up all night drinking tap water, because I was so dehydrated. I felt I was hot and uncomfortable.

Why do people say it's good for you, when it isn't? It's poison, and kills animals like cats and dogs. It kills bugs, that is what organic farmers use, garlic spray. I put some under my stove to kill bugs.

I mean, if it is toxic, why do horses eat it?

But that is so weird, because throughout history we have eaten it. We have also eaten bread and bombarded with plagues. We have also done stupid stuff over and over, generation after generation. We change fashion and replace bad eating habits with the same. Our grandparents ate white bread hamburgers, we eat foccacia paninis, same crap. 

I want to go to raw spirit fest. I think it will be fun. I will look into buying a ticket tomorrow.



///////


9/25

Posh spice is on some weird vegan diet, by a company called Foods for Life (raw?) and they feed her green smoothie drinks with seaweed and algae. HMM Interesting. Yep, she is anorexic. She looks good though. She has kids and is married to a god. I can see the stress.

 I saw Jenna Jameson. The porn goddess. Now she is the freak with the duck face. She had all this plastic surgery and supposedly had a botched vaginoplasty, and can never work again. Her face is what looks crazy, It's like a duck. Poor thing. It all happened when her hubby divorced her. She is anorexic too. She lost her shit like Britney over KFED.

I can see the stress, being rejected by one you love, trying anything to get him back.

In Britney's case I see the problem as prescription medication, mixed with alchohol. She is just not here anymore.

That happens to all of us at least once, ( dumped and off deep end) but we are not in the public eye and time erases it from history...but not our minds.

I mean, in Nicole Ritchie's case, after the divorce from Paris, she looks better now, she was too skinny for a while. 

Posh looks a little better meaty, and so does Keira Knightley. In movie posters they photoshop her with more meat and give her breasts.

SO we all have an ideal weight. Mine is 110. For my height, 5'3. It's slender.

My mom looked her best when she was 104, guys everywhere tried to pick her up, over me. The first and only time ever. My ex love, actually broke up with me and wrote her a love letter!

 Pam Anderson is 5'7 and 110, (at her prettiest), and supermodels are taller and way lighter than that, so it is not a drastic thing for me at all.

I weighed myself 112.

I got a scale which is the last thing I need. But with large breasts I really have to watch it now. I just want to look pretty, and feel attractive.

I found the largest breast implants weigh 1 lb. My mom used to tell me she had to subtract 10 lbs, off the scale, because of hers. Liar liar!!!

My fattest, and I was fat, was 127, I think, or maybe 130? I was told I was too fat, by artists I modeled for, photographers, and by friends. It wasn't in my head. "It is unbecoming" a photographer said at a fashion show I did for ManRay. 

 I can't remember, I think it was 127-135. That was years ago on the ramen noodle and beefaroni diet, yet really expensive gourmet when out with in public or with friends. It was all for show. Alone I ate chicken wings.

 Long ago

Oh I have some fatty pics to post here, someday. I have this one of me and a big chocolate birthday cake. I had double chin and yellow teeth, I was nasty. I had many many health problems, too embarrassing to write about here.

Ayways, I do not want to upset anybody reading this. I am not obsessing. I think anorexia and wanting to look good are too separate things. Anorexia is delusional, underweight.

 If you are overweight I am not making fun, I just feel better when my body looks the best, which is rare. I feel CLEAN. I feel energetic. It is more than looking skinny, it's feeling slim.
 
Even when I was a  raw foodist I was so clogged with abomination combinations that I felt like a pig, even though I was not. It's digestion, it's mass in the stomach. It makes for very bad moody feelings. I could not move, I slept alot. Just walking up a mountain was hard, with all that nut mylk mixed with dehydrated oily bread and seed sauces, from the day before, swishing around.

Everybody wants to look good, I think, and it is in us. Those of us who take pride in exercise and diet, know that it is work, it is like anything else, you have to take action and then by taking action, your self esteem goes up.

A small unconscious part of me wants to live in a black hole, all alone, with all the greasiest fried foods, cheesy pizza and yummy alfredo pasta, and live like that forever so noone can see my obese monstrosity. A small part of me, relying on memories of food. Temptations never go away. Especially comfort foods. Tuna risotto, Mac and cheese, cream of mushroom soup, fried mushrooms, ooohh.. but it's as bad for you as heroin. Not that heroin feels good to me, but for some people, its everything.

Now I have different feelings. Almost 2 years now, in a few months. Fruit makes me feel euphoric, makes me sensitive and I feel a lot of love. I feel too much sometimes. I am attracted to beauty. I feel I can do anything, I can even work 14 hour days and then go out dancing, even after my dinners. So there is a payoff. It's a different way of living.
 
ALot of fruitarians do not have the right philosophy and delve off into unconscious dreamtime, irrational and harmful GOD fantasy, laziness, or live on beaches living irresponsibly for the moment, doing nothing and achieving nothing, but if they changed, they would be really earth shaker action people.

Fruitarianism is the hardest thing I have ever done. I can say I have not cheated, once, in a very long time.

(sugarcane juice or romaine does not count!) For a while it was hard and I cheated on bad food, even this year, it seemed impossible to do it.

All my online friends said they go away, those cravings, and they did. But it wasn't until I gave up toxic things.

Now, it's like I am used to it. Like I almost never have hunger excpet for the brain fuel it gives me.

Its never a thought, what am I going to eat next. I am full. All the time. But I do love the organic real sugar. And as you see from photos, I am not too skinny, or fat, and I am intelligent and not too flighty, or weird. I can hold jobs.

I want writing to me my job. I do, am working on that.

I think I need a manager. A friend gave me, really hard to listen to, advice this morning, and as a result I worked really really hard on my novel. SO yes, I do need harsh advice. Get off your ass and work! Thank you for giving it to me!

I mean, all writers ( see Hank Moody, CALIFORNICATION) have agents or managers. I need one. A pretend one for now, to tell me to get to work and read my stuff and give me advice.  That is not saying alot for my self discipline. Which I need. I actually need to manage myself. man.