I hope we become friends. It's so rare to have a friend, and it rests on so little, it is so risky and I could lose it all tomorrow. That is why I want to make the best choices, to have a solidly good life.  But The Fountainhead? That might be a real connection. I hope so, I do need a fresh outlook. But most of the time I just want to be alone. It may be all in my head, this thing. It could be nothing at all. The source of all joy comes back to me.

Who knows, I may never call him again. I am weird like that. I am.  I may not like him tomorrow. I love someone one day, and dislike them the next. Why not? I do not owe anybody anything they have not earned.

The coolest young blonde lawyer in the world took me on two dates, recently,
 ,
also, who studied politics in DC at GW. Very smart. Just bought a convertible. Attractive and blonde jewish. He knows my boss's dad. We talk about work. I played it so cool. I cancelled our last date. He wanted to go to the beach day after Thanksgiving. Yeah right. Who does that?

He said a few things that were omens. Asked if my boss flirted with me. That is  a bad sign if he thinks like that, work is for work. I take it VERY seriously. I don't know.
 
I am not sure I want anyone to know me anymore. I like me, and am perfect. I have a lot of work cut out for me.

Maybe I just don't want to be around men, but I am flattered, that the kind I can have, are beautiful. But I have no desire to be uncomfortable with anyone anymore, for anything. And I will never settle for less.


I went on half a date, well, I met him for 5 minites.. with an MIT grad with doctorate degree, who works in Gables, owns condo in Brickell. I actually met him at work outside my building, he lives around the block. 
 
He was way too good looking for me, there is a limit when it looks kind of gay.

I cancelled our date. Too good looking, Not my type at all. I like men, not male models. I actually told him that.
" You re too good looking for me" I texted him, afetr deciding I was not interested. Thing is, he took it as a compliment. It's not a compliment. I am not into it..
Plus he was too ethnic. But the nice kind of ethnic, but still, ethnic. I liek the american perfecet type.



But I do not think I want any boyfriend, or boy friend or even lover. Not right now. There is just me. I like me. I like my place. I like being alone. I know who I love.


Plus I do not live in a world of perfect men, I have to go through a ton of losers. Believe me, every day, I am surrounded by morons and slobs.

Looks,  tons of money, success looks are no longer anything impressive. I see it everywhere, its average
 in Miami.  What I like, is what I like. What attracts me, is what I like, for example, someone who is in love
wth the Fountainhead, is noteworthy.  Someone who loves what they do and is good at it. Someone with core values. Real person who knows what is right. SOMEONE LIKE ME possibly. But ahead of me, where I am
going to
 be years from now, now.

I contemplated celibacy. I just can't be split up in any way. I meet great people, there are a ton here in
Miami. But I feel, Schitzo phrenic because I am not totally complete yet and my life is settled... I know who

I am and I know who I love and I found myself. I want completion. I want wholeness. I don't need any
of that ( other men) . What can any of them give me, nothing. It's WORTH NOTHING what they offer.

I am not a second hander. I want to give myself all the glory. I want to love one man at a time, and I want it to be RIGHT. It's not out there, but in here with the choices I make. 
I have been extremely good for a solid year. I did it all myself. I found I can have any man I want, including the best possible, and I don't want it. Its not OTHERS I want.

It's me, and my-ness. Its me that I want, a perfect me.
It is not wishful thinking, but real. I am happy, with me. People, are not goals. Never should a person be your goal. That is not happiness, but slavery. selling out for cheap.

I want to do the right thing, and I want to BE the right thing. I am the right thing. It takes work..
Blanking out is not an option, it is a CHOICE we must always be making.



To eat today

Christmas tree at work


View from my bosses office,
can you see the palms and pools on top of parking garages,
there are a ton of those


We have a christmas dinner at Morton's steakhouse and then one at the Palm Restaurant. That should be interesting.

You can't see it here, but from the back entrance of my building, that is the ocean


me 20 stories up



My boss is great, he told me a story about how once he worked in a place where lawyers made less than what I make now, with families and he used to dress DOWN, to not look like the enemy. I told him dressing your best, makes you a hero to the right kind of people. Although it is not how you dress but how well you do a job, but if you want to look your best, it is a good thing, not bad. We talked about how it takes work to look good.

He told us we have "chinese" christmas gift exchange at work, gifts valued at 20 dollars, yet he will remiburse us the 20 we spend, how nice is that, but weird huh?

/

11/29

I do the right thing in food, the best thing, but I do not equally choose the absolute best in areas like work, love, friends,hometime management, exercise etc..

I need to put in just as much care in every rea, otherwise I am spilt, or a hypocrite, or torn. I want to be totally honest about my life, and if I am ashamed of anything, well that is a good sign, that I should not e doing or thinking it. Probelm solved. I do not want to compartmentalize.

I want to make better choices is love, sex being the highest expression and reverence of all that is highest in humans. It is nothing less to me, start choosing, I will.

Sometimes I sacrifice for lower because I rmake excuses that it as ok, when before I rationalized, I already knew something was wrong, get it?

I need to make a list of what is right and wrong for me, in all areas, work, love, friends, money, work etc..also hometime and internet time, since it is so valauble, my time. Like I need to ask myslef, what is my purpose on the net. I have little things, like fruitarian advocacy, but for who, and why? I don't particularly like hanging out with raw foodists or fruitarians. These things I have to question. What is important to me.

What bad habits have I not noticed? What friends are no longer good, but wrong? And why? And what do I choose and how do i know what is right> well, I plan it. I plan my choices.

To eat today

Banana, date, teaspoon tahini and strawberries smoothie, 2 quarts I took to work
2 orange juices sqeezed
some romaine leaves

Wow, I do eat so little and am full. A leaf I ate am am all set, stomach set and feeling rejuvenated. Then an hour later I nibble on something else. I might go out to eat tonight with a friend, get a little cucumber sheeted wrapped avocado and carrot shred rolls, I think they are called namasus. I am not starving. I weigh 112 this morning. Plus I had so much energy.

At work today I handled a deadline in under an hour, screaming bosses and spanish clients. I did pretty well. beautiful. All the girls except the old lady called in sick. I respect the old lady because she is about to die and really really good at what she does, but I sense neurosis. She is too nice, too nice, then a minute later, she is having a heart attack, because I asked to use her printer. Then back to too nice, then crazy. Who cares about her, I wanna talk about me.

I also have to note what is right as far as thoughts I write about or thought I think. I have been policing thoughts of temptations.

Some girl Gaia wrote on her blog I am such an inspiration and she reads me every day. That makes me feel warm and content. I trust myself these days to say nice things.

I have no idea the purpose of this blog anymore. It is just about fruitariansim and all these wonderful changes that have happened in me. I have found my life. I do not recommend it to anyone, but if any hardcore raw vegans out there, real purists, they should try it out a bit.


I am really good, and I have done the right thing. All I need to do, is tweak it, and how I do it is I plan my choices I will make. I have to sit down and measure/scale my life.

SOme people who knew me a long time ago, still treat me as I was a long time ago, they still think I am that person. It makes me sad. Only I know how great I am and how far I have become, and only I know the fun challenges and choices I will make and have to do. I deserve all that I get if I can choose the right way, if I succeed , I know I will have deserved true greatness. Completion.

I can actually make anyone do anything I want. I can get anything I want, from them. If I need anything, I will be ok. It's just that fear of being alone I need to fight. I will begin to do things right, the way I create my life to be. I WILL CREATE the choices I will make in the future and have my reasons all thought out and planned.


11/30


Today I ate

3 oranges
 2 glasses banana strawberry date smoothie
1 Orange juice
some roquet ( made me sneeze alot)
banana and dates smoothie
1 original OJ at jamba juice

112/114lbs

nutty


Dec 1



Here I am by the water in Brickell today.


I love this little red building


Look a xmas tree, in a window designed by top Miami Architect:


Crappy panorama, lol, I tried,
Brickell is to the right, it's where I work. Key Biscayne is to the left



To eat today
Watermelon juice
Guacamole and tomato salsa
more watermelon juice

I got the guacamole at Chipotle, the new mexican place on US1 , disgusting! It's the same place I ate it at, when I went to Las Vegas. I am sick over it, it's like salt stew. I think they put so much salt in it it is no longer raw but preserved. Food like that is incongrous with me. I do not feel like me anymore after I eat crap. I even started Seeing differently after I ate it, almost not focused and not straight. Just a little but noticeable. It happens when I eat something wrong, my vision of things, gets a lot smaller and deader. The air feels dead, i hate it, its a nightmare. I am terrified of eating the wrong foods, this beautiful life turns into something, like death.

I love myself but need to make better choices in food. That today was an accident, but I should know better that the only guacamole good enough to eat is at Nexxt cafe or Cheesecake factory where they make it to order as you like it.
 

I love you and you are all I have got. I want you to have all that you want and you can, by making the right choices when alone with yourself.

I do, I love you and I know who you are, There is only a girl in you that is good, only a good girl, there. There is nothing else. There is only light and goodness. Only the right choices appeal to you, in every moment, choices that make you happy in the long run but may be harder to make in the present. Choices like the words, YES and NO. ACCEPT AND REJECT< GOOD OR EVIL>

YOU owe nobody excuses and nobody an explanation. In fact, you do not even have to think of anybody else. There is nobody else, but you. You and you alone and the companionship you have found that is more fun than any person, is your laptop or a notebook when you have found an idea that has never been thought of before.


I love watermelon juice. I think about animals that only eat one thing all their life like pandas, and I wonder, could I eat nothing but watermelon, it is sooooo good. I love it, I buy three at a time and each day I drink one, in blender all with ice. I have a calvacade of blood red ice cold sweet fruit sugar drinks all day. One after the other. I am so happy tonight. I am. I am happy.

Today is going to be a day where I make myself proud. I make myself proud because I am good and I decide what is right. I have written alot today. Tomorrow I might go to the beach or sunbathe in Venetian Pool. Its a nice place.
Lots of water and rocks and coconuts.


I am happy even though I had salty guacamole. Avocados are way heavy. Remember when I used to
eat 6 a day in smoothies?lol. Never again, I grew out of that. I can have oranges all day and be fine now.
I have adapted to fruit sugar. mmmm fruit sugar. I might get sugarcane juice tonight. Yummy, I hope so.
mmmm




Dec 2


I went out to South beach with Roark Lawyer. It was interesting. I saw his place, we saw his cat
I played with his guitars. I took a few blurry pics from his balcony.




He played a Cure cd that was really great. He likes all the cool indie bands like Death cab for cutie. We had green tea and he had a beer.
He showed me framed photos in his house taken from airplanes. Definitely had camera envy of mine.


He showed me his Fountainhead copy. I saw all that he underlined. It was his most mangled precious book. We talked about Ellsworth Toohey. He said all the characters were ideas walking around.

Since he took me out to eat last time, I took him out and I ate too much. I hate food. I do. I got those cucumber riceless wrapped rolls but instead of avocado they put spinach in it. I hate food. I do. I just want my fruits forever. He had plum wine and jalapeno hamachi, and a beer.

He showed me this place where you can sit, like a lounge at a bar/restaurant and when you look up at the ceiling you see the bottom of a swimming pool. But noone was swimming at night.

He took me to a cool coffee place on Espagnola, and then we sat down at this restaurant called "Chocolate". I had a tea and he had a drink I picked out for him with watermelon juice and alcohol. He can drink.


He told me he was the black sheep of his family. His brother went to Harvard Law, good for him. I saw a photo and his brother looks really really geeky, like a scientist geeky. He, himself,  passed the bar exam in Florida and now he is studying for a really difficult one, the California.  He says it is three days long. He wants to move to San Francisco. He told me it's the only state you do not have to go to law School in, but if you pass the bar exam you can be a lawyer and he offered to teach me. How cute. He wants to move there because it is so different there and he likes how the people are so cool. I tried to talk him out of it. San Fran is too weird for East Coast rationalists.  He told me he tutored others for Kaplan once.


Look at the white lady in this pic, she is the statue lady. Creeps me out these people that look like statues, for money. I would rather see mimes.


We talked til 1 am. We walked barefoot on the beach.


He told me he could get me out of my lease with my landlord.

My landlord asked me if I would like to go to China with him, all expenses paid, yesterday. He even told me he would take me to Jamaica and make me the best rum punch I ever had. Talked about monkeys and curried goat. Eww. What a creep.
I mean, here I am paying him rent and he flirts with me, asks to take me to another country. People with authority of any kind should never take advantage like that. It is just wrong. Puts me in a weird position because he is my landlord. And I don't want to do anything that upsets him too much because I want my security deposit back. Now he spies on me. I had to meet Roark lawyer down the street. Very wrong. Not appropriate. I am moving out Feb 1st for sure.

All I am having today is watermelon juice. That is not true, my mom is bringing over bananas and dates so we can have smoothies and watch movies.

I do not know what to make of Roark Lawyer. I want a friend in him. I want to play this cool. I have to use some sort of plan.
 
He said something himself, a hint, so I know he thinks the same way. There is such a risk for hurt or disappointment. There is danger almost when meeting someone new that is the opposite sex. I do not want to make any mistakes. I want to remain true to myself. Even if he is gone tomorrow I want to be intact. Even if I find he has the lowest character and is garbage, I want to be clean of it. Not even harmed in the least. dating is NOT FUN like that.  I do not want this gone tomorrow, I also need to be extra careful I stay true to myself outside of this as well. I also don't want to discover any drama about him. It's really trying on patience, and I think I need to proceed with caution. I also have to question my own values. I want to be the best person possible. Meaning I have to work a little harder in making right choices. I want to do this right. Not right for him or others, but right for me. The answer, being true to myself. I owe nobody anything, even explanations. Just me.

All I want is someone I can call up and bitch about my coworkers when I am having problems at work. He agreed he would be that person. I was so happy.


///


What is my philosophy of this existence? I want to discipline myself and really think of what is the right way. I need a system of ideas, I need deep thought to know how I want to live my life. I must be selfish. What is truth> I am the only guide to truth. Myself.

Life is, I am, these are..

Existence is that which IS. IT IS.
What is, IS, existence exists.  Exis"tense". I am something. Therefore I can consider. The only thing that is, is what is, nothing else. Consciousness means I can see what IS. I am conscious of something. I percieve something. If nothing is there, I can't see anything. Consciousness and existence are everything. Always. I know that something exists. I know IT. I am ME. I AM I.
 I am, but what am I? I am something.

There is something I am aware of. Objectivism taught me this. What is it, it cannot be reduced, it's in everything. All that I do. It's me. SO "I" am existence. Awareness, all of it, is ME>

Just because something , outside myself, exists, is only because I perceive it.

How can I be sure if something is right? If it is real? If is IS?

Can contradiction exist in reality? Or is that a sign there is unreality somewhere there?

I know one thing. LIFE FORCE= BEAUTY. We are meant to eat living things. Eat your cat or eat a banana, you pick. Mushrooms and maggots, cockroaches, eat dead things. So do flies, vultures, worms. Not very pretty things.

 today some stuff I ate:



Starfruit slices yummy, so good when ripe
Several banana, date, & blueberry smoothies
Roquet, lemon juice & tomatoes
2 large tomatoes sliced
1 cucumber sliced
1 half quart sugar cane juice
1 Watermelon blended vitamix full, with ice cubes

SO I figured out the axiom for my food choices. I only eat what has lifeforce. Life force = beauty. We are meant to eat living things. Other monsters eat dead things.

Existence exists and only existence exists. that's all that exists.  ( Each) Man's only means of knowledge is reason.  Not god, not consensus of morons. Not rejection of reality. Nor supernationalism. This reality is it. That is what objectivism believes. You will only be happy by this rule. You cannot be happy fighting this.

 I am fruitarian because it feels good to me.




/From
 
http://www.moneyweb.co.za/mw/view/mw/en/page660?oid=172040&sn=Detail

In the superb autobiography, the former US Fed Chairman credits author, philosopher and free-market disciple Ayn Rand as a major influence on his life. Greenspan writes of how he met and became very close to Rand. And explains that for years he actively engaged in the now famous all-night intellectual debates she hosted in her New York apartment.

Greenspan writes:"Talking to Ayn Rand was like starting a game of chess thinking I was good and suddenly finding myself checkmate. It dawned on me that a lot of what I'd decided was true was probably just plain wrong.

"Our values were congruent - we agreed on the importance of mathematics and intellectual rigour. But she
had gone far beyond that, thinking more broadly than I had ever dared. Exploring ideas with her was a remarkable
 course
 in logic and epistemology. I was able to keep up with her most of the time."

Note, only most of the time.

So close were they that Rand stood next to Greenspan when he took his 1974 oath of office at the White House in the presence of President Gerald Ford. And, he writes, "Ayn Rand and I remained close until she died in 1982 and I'm grateful for the influence she had on my life."

nd is best known for her works Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead.  In numerous US surveys conducted when these things were in vogue seven years ago, they were rated the first and second most influential books of the last century.

Atlas Shrugged, in particular, has regional relevance. The novel's plot describes what happens when independent producers, what Rand terms the "individuals of the mind" tire of being taken advantage of by economic parasites (bureaucrats, politicians, etc) which she calls "looters".

She tracks how these productive achievers (entrepreneurs, innovators, scientists, business leaders) are first
demonised and eventually punished for their contributions. And then how they decide to "go on strike", silently withdrawing to a hidden valley, leaving the world to implode"



/


Someone explain this to me?I almost fainted!

 

I'm forwarding a message from Bob Avery. We need to take action fast!

Bob writes:

Our "beloved" government intends to require that all greens be pasteurized prior to sale, and their open comment
period from the public runs only until this Monday, Dec. 3! We need to make our opinions heard and registered immediately if we hope to be able to still buy raw greens in the supermarkets.In the forwarded e-mail below,
they refer to the FDA, but they really mean the USDA. Here are the procedures for posting a public comment:

1) To submit online: Go to www.regulations.gov. In the middle of the screen, you will see “Search Documents.”

In Step 1, choose “Documents with an open comments period”

In Step 2, choose “Department of Agriculture”

In Step 3, choose “PROPOSED RULES”

In Step 4, choose “Docket ID” and then type in “AMS-FV-07-0090”

Hit “Submit.”


Next, you will see a column titled “Comments, add/due by.” Click on the tiny tan dialogue icon,
 and you are now ready to submit your information and your comment.

2) To fax: (202) 720-8938.

Subject: FDA Plans to Nuke ALL Our Greens Soon — Take Action Quickly!

The proposal is for federal regulations to mandate the 'pasteurization' of all greens. And as bad as that sounds, it gets worse: the FDA has started using the word 'pasteurize' as a euphemism or cover for what they really are up to, which is irradiation. I've seen this coming (they've already mandated 'pasteurizing' almonds— burning them with carcinogenic, banned rocket fuel... yes, really!)— but they've sprung it on us, revealing their plan only recently, and allowing only till Monday, Dec. 3 for public comment. (In the past, the FDA had comment periods of several weeks or even months. This is obscene!

We need to take action. Almonds in September 2007; all greens (including organic) in the near future; what's next? If we don't act, we have only ourselves to blame as our food supply becomes ever more nutrient-deprived and/or toxic.

Follow the link to read more and take action at the FDA Comment Line. Also pass it on to your friends:


here.

Even more important, get to know your Senators and Representatives and call them; their willingness to address issues depends on how many constituents call them to complain or voice their support. It only takes 5 minutes to call the toll-free Congressional switchboard numbers when an important issue like this comes up, and they are listening. For example, I remember a number of years back when the FDA wanted to dismantle the the Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act that is the underpinning that allows Americans the health freedom to pursue alternative medicine, herbs and supplements. Thousands of Americans called and wrote Congress to protest aggressively, and as a result the plan was tabled.

Sadly, the FDA hardly ever listens to the public and heeds their wishes at all these days. That's why I personally think it's even more important to voice your concern Monday to the Senators and Represenatives who represent you. Let them know you want your the agri-business corporations to take responsibility and use more hygienic handling practices and more prudent shipping methods, even if it costs them a little more, rather than passing the burden on to you in the form of toxic, devitalized food devoid of most of its nutritional value. Enough is enough!



/



Dec 3


To eat today

3 orange juices
2 quarts of watermelon/ripe starfruit smoothie at work
1 lb organic blue black crunchy grapes at Whole Foods
some romaine wraps with banana/garlic puree ( had to try)
Sugarcane juice

I am so full!

My boss told me today, if we work well together, I may upgrade and be his assistant.  That was nice. I love to have a business card that says legal assistant with firm's name. I handled  emergencies, in minutes! I never stop working. I love it. I am fast.

 He is so nice, he is swamped, all day he was stressed out and lost patience many times. He told me he wants me to be his eyes and ears. He needs someone to take care of his stuff. I understand. I know how perfect these jobs need to be done. Not just anyone can do them A sharp mind is needed. He is leaving in a few weeks for Europe, and so stressed out. I told him everything that needs to be done will be done. Only thing is, noone is around to train me, in many things. I need to deal with "Answers" next, and also, when we get paid, how I deal with that. He is too busy to be a teacher. They papers keep piling. Stacks add up fast, and I need to be quick.

He told me the other lawyer commented on how great I am, always so punctual. Great attitude. There is never a job I can't do. I take other girls work and do it faster. Trust me the other girls like me for that. I say, what are you doing? Give it to me. They say OK!! and pass me piles. Then they watch me finish. I offer to do things, I see needed done. And I do what needs to be done. I love paperwork and am great at calculations, how much is owed, etc..

People call in and want to sue for ridiculous things. I have to swallow my laughter.
 I ask questions and its very interesting. A client called and wanted to sue because a guy at a bank got in a fight with him and closed his account,  without telling him. He ran out of money for his baby's food, later at a market and his debit card was declined. Now he wants money for the upset..

 ..And old crazy lady comes in 10:30-3pm. She does scheduling of court stuff.  I love her, even though she is nuts. She works hard, then goes home to her cats. I asked her what she brings for lunch, sometimes, and she screams, "Same thing I always bring, It NEVER changes!" Tuna sandwich with white bread.

Myspace girl called in sick, ( so is the other girl out til Wed.) she called and I talked to her, and she cried about how her little boy was so sick and vomiting. I didn't believe her. She has not had a full week since she worked here. I can't believe anything, anything she says, I just can't. So she wants another day off, go ahead.

I told the boss, I offered, that I can find someone to help out, put an ad up, ( hint: replace)  and I will do interviews. I told him how good I was at that. He said after we move to Coral Gables. 

I told him I can replace his assistant of 14 years. Meaning me, he said we will see. Not overnight, but any retard can know as much as her in 14 years. She is not special.

I love work and have all the time in the world to finish everything, no matter how much..

It's 8 pm. I am tired already. Must sleep.




dec 4


I just saw our new offices in Alhambra Circle. I went over there after work. My boss got a haircut in the area so he said I could stop by. Very nice. I get a place alone to work. Yay. I wonder what the girls will say about that? They don't. It's nice. There are wood paneled floors that are made to look like mahoghany, my favorite.

My boss introduced me to all these new people, as "MY  ASSISTANT". I shook hands. One lady was there working late, she said, " My boss is a slave driver lawyer!" She smiled but I knew she loves it. I looked at all the lawyer's furniture. I saw 2 $2,000 chairs My boss and the other Lawyers get a nice view.

Awesome area for me. Books and books is close, so is Jamba Juice, Miracle Mile, my place, Cafe Demetrios.

 I looked at the paintings and the photography. Very nice.
I am so happy. The halls are really done up and there is wood everywhere, like the doors, and expensive signs.

This diary is cool. Its not about impressing others or proving to others I can be a fruitarian, it's to myself.  This is for me to impress myself. Lately I have a little doubt, I love greens, raw and leaf by leaf. But I know I still am a fruitarian. It's just a stage or a moment.

Today I ate

-2 quarts watermelon persimmon smoothie
-Free banana and free salad, I picked at. The guy in the counter cafe gave me, he works for the hotel next door's kitchen, selling food in my building. They sell food in the lobby where I work, fancy salads and fresh squeezed oj. Anyways, he better stop giving me free stuff. I do not like it. I know nothing is for free and one day I will have to pay somehow. I do not take advantage of others either. He always says, " Pay me tomorrow!" and never asks me again. Sometimes I get 4 oj's free.
-grapes organic
-cucumber
-1/2 chopped honeydew melon
-3 orange juices

That is it so far, all raw and living still.

I have been choosing better for myself.  I cannot love friends indiscriminately. I can't go out with just anyone who emails me for a date. I can't drop everything and pick up a phone ringing and agree to anything.  I want to choose my friends.  And choose the time I spend with them. Not the other way around, meaning I do what others want. 

If a person, who wants to be my friend, does not benefit me, move or inspire me, its a sign that its no good. I won't doubt myself and go out anyways to see if I am wrong or maybe there is something good, or out of boredom. If I am right, I am right. I do know what is good for me. I have reason.  I choose better now. I want to earn the life I want. I have to treat myself as an exclusive being. I want to earn self respect. I like being exclusive, because I am so valuable. Plus my time is real important to me. I am cutting a lot of waste of timers and useless distractions. Things like emails, surfing, phone calls.

I have never been like this. I really can say I now know what it feels like to value myself. I do , so much. I do not owe anyone anything. Especially my time. My time, is now quality time. Not sold cheaply to any passerby who says hi.
 
I want what is best, and that is me. I am worth so much to myself. I need to hang out with me more.

What ever it is I want, I have to earn. Anything in life is gained by doing, never wishing. wishing won't move a piece of dust.

Only action gives me anything, nothing supernatural or superior. If you want something you have to do a certain thing. There is the cause ( me) and effect. ( (me)

Life is not about anything, life just is. I am. I exist. I do, but it is not the doing, but that nature of me.


december 6th


My lawyer friend just told me he got a big client, an all star. I have no idea who he is, some sports guy. But good for him. $20,000 account. He was so happy. The happiest day of his life he said.
We are celebrating tonight. He invited me to sport guy's bbq in the following weeks. I told him that is ok. I am not into sports. I may have to go, we'll see.
 
Working, drinking OJ's and watermelon smoothies, persimmons, oranges, tomatoes, grapes, sugarcane juice, romaine leaves, cucumbers and bags of cherries. I have eaten all that in the past two days.
All living food.
 
Working hard, all girls calling in sick.

One girl worked one day so far, the other one day, and the other called in sick yesterday and half day today.
 
Boss is leaving for Europe.

I am handling checks next. LOTS of money, tons of checks adding up to fortunes. Most of it is in our trust account meaning half of it or less is ours and the rest is clients, and some just ours. Stacks of money.

And also demand letter answers and deciding whether we sue or not, I am taking girl's place. Then I have to call clients and tell them if we settle or not. Fax stuff lawyers need and so on. Make Voluntary dismissals, easy stuff, and I have the lawyers sign and then mail off or fax, and file.

Demand letters take a long time because I have to add up bills and times 80% and subtract deductibles, then prepare certified, return receipt envelopes and go to post office.

I take some phone calls about clients waiting for money or wanting to know the status of their cases. I have appointments with them dropping off files and picking up checks. In Spanish sometimes. Angry and sometimes pleasant. I am so nice to everyone though. Even cranky assistants getting angry , wanting to confirm, about depos in the morning.

 Plus the usual sloppy work of others I have to clean up. Misfilings I have to look for, papers generated but not saved, you know. I love it when the other girls call me, after they call in , "sick" and ask me if I can do their work for them , and I do it, no problem.

I have Bins of things I need to do, whole bins each with a sticky note telling me what I need to do, who I need to call, what I need to mail, fax, send, generate..
 or go online and print out docket infos and see what has been filed with the court, and if not found something, I have to call attorney's secretaries and ask for them. I spy on all my friends and see what they have been in court for, if they have.
 
I LOVE the work I do. I LOVE IT!!!
 
I have my desk with a view of Brickell, blue, pastel green, whites and yellows, with the sun coming in and I see the ocean and people in buildings. Trees like plastic trees and cranes and cars driving down streets. I have a fridge full of OJ. I have a persimmon in ,my fridge. Cookies, cakes and donuts always lined up for us in the kitchen. In the fridge there is gross food, like sandwiches, and fruit cups with milk jugs and bagels with grape jelly.
 
I am going to be a Notary after the first of January. COOL. I get to stamp things!! Official! With my name on it. Yeah. I am probably excited about nothing but I love the idea of getting something new. Then I want to learn how to write up pleadings from scratch. Discovery, litigation, all that we do I want to know how to do and do.
 
In our new office we work with a real estate law firm, we share their office. I am glad it is not criminal law. Although that is what my friend does. He says he used to  work State Attorney and he hated it.

I will probably watch Survivor China too later it is getting good later on after dinner.


/

Tonight was magical.

There was a christmas party in our building at work. Tables with floral arrangements. Filled with men in suits and office ladies. Some girls really dressed up. Champagne, being handed out endlessly. A chef cutting lobsters. A chef cutting meat as big as a table. Chefs cutting who knows what, bars with attendants and dj. There were tables of hors doeurves, tables of desserts that looked like shiny candles. Hot plates filled with who knows what, pastas and sausage. Fish and vegetables. There were two very large cheese tables with fancy cheeses and fruits. I had grapes. That is all I had. My boss was drinking whisky. I borrowed a blackberry and took photos.. My other boss talked to me about Art Basel in Miami now. He was going there after the party to see installations.
I joked with my boss, " Too bad ( fat girl) called in sick, she really missed some food!" , he goes, " Yeah, she would have eaten all the pasta" lol

There was music and waiters in tuxedos. Very classy party. The christmas tree was all lit up. I called my lawyer friend, who was there in ten minutes. Lots and lots of lawyers tried hitting on me at the party. I am not interested in cheap talk.

My friend had some champagne and we took a walk. Brickell Is SO pretty. It was breathtaking all the architecture we saw. He knows all the residential buildings by name. He took me out to eat at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel. We crossed a bridge over evening Miami. We had so much fun. He had a lot of sake. There was a very very fancy Art Basel party there, private, we got in, and we mingled. The hor doeurves there were way fancier. The people there very well dressed, super manicured. There were art works we looked at. It really was most pretty. I remember a giant abacus with the balls made of venetian glass. That place is so pretty. We walked outside and looked at Brickell key. We walked the bridge. That hotel is gorgeous inside. Top of the line, in everything. The people were so beautiful and we saw families by the pool at night. We looked out over Miami. I really go to know my friend. I feel safe. He really likes me, he told me, but things could change any minute so I am just playing it cool. Like I said, I need to protect myself from myself not being careful. I trust myself and that is about it. MAKING NEW FRIENDS IS a very fine line because I have to do everything right. I told him, " I want to do things right, but right for me, not for anyone else" I am so glad I wore one of my best suits to work. I looked good. I am and want to be and must be selfish, in everything. Because I am all that matters, period. But I felt really nice. It is nice to have someone on my side. When I bitch about my coworker he goes, " I hate that fucking bitch, you are right, she is wrong" for example.

He told me he could pretty much not show up for work anymore, work from home, because of the client he has. He wouldn't do that but he was saying. He is making 4 times as much as his salary.  Plus getting a $10,000 salary raise. He said if he ever leaves, he is taking his client with him, and the boss knows that so his boss loves him right now. His boss actually treated us to that dinner at the Mandarin. It was so nice. I didn't eat anything but pick at things, very fancy food, I just ate the cucumber and veggies. He has a morbid hate of cucumbers. I noticed the croutons were made of really complicated ingredients, I was staring at them. So cool. The quality was fine.

He held my hand and showed me off walking around. I felt normal. I felt good. I felt worthy and beautiful and its all me. He told me I looked like Jessica Rabbit. He was so funny and made me laugh all night. Nice to have a real good person talking to me, he has many good qualities. I felt Normal, but it wasnt because of him, but because I earned it.

I really have earned everything. I feel good and deserving. And I am good, very good. Nothing is for anyone else, it's all for me. I do what is comfortable for me. I never place anyone in front of me. That is a real moral crime. I am all that matters. I am doing this for me. In fact, I brought him to me. I did it. Its all what I do for myself. The best. He is so handsome, photos do not do justice. He has a happiness. Genuineness. He told me such nice things, about how great I am. how he waited for someone just like me. So odd huh? when people say those things. Me?

My mom cleaned my place and brought me two watermelons and sugarcane juices. My sister is in town and she is too important to come see me, yet. My mom said,
" Maybe Saturday?" when i asked when I get to see my sister. Its ok, I dont have to spend money on her, like I offered to take her out eating. Watch me ignore her. First night she is here she is out with her girlfriends. And tomorrow she may be out with them too. I guess we are not that important because we kiss her ass so much.


I am really proud. Proud of myself and proud of me. Proud of who I eat dinner with. Proud of who I work for. Proud of what I look like. Proud of me, in the mirror. That is what counts, I am great, I love me. only me,

I need to start keeping my personal life private. I am exclusive. I FEEL super guilty writing about these things in my blog. I feel I am not respecting privacy and what people tell me.  Plus posting photos. I blab it all here. If I am guilty that means it is wrong. I will go back to making this fruitarian only blog. Try, at least. Or just delete it. or print out and keep private.

Anyways at 9 pm on our way back to his car, we saw the party at my building was still full blast. Wow, drunk coworkers, no thanks.

We listened to She wants revenge, a great band on the way home.  I make all the right choices from now on, I choose it.

I am happy, but its all because of me. It's all me, I did it all tonight.

Anyways he still wants me to go to big client's bbq. I can go and drink tea I guess. He says he has one of the nicest homes in Miami. I like nice homes. I can play basketball, I told him.




Decemeber 7. September, November, its all the same. I am stuck in 1994 for some reason. What is the difference? There is none. Last month does not exist let alone next month. All that is, IS.


Today was nice. I was happy. I had the best two persimmons tonight. I also ate watermelon, cherries from who knows where, and lots of Orange juice. Sounds like a little, but it is in large amounts. I eat until I am full.

Work was hard. I like working with some girls, that l like to work with, and I do not like working with others. Today both bothered me. Alliances are useless. I need to fend for myself, and just learn on my own.



Oh one thing that pissed me off, the file clerk at work, ordered a chicken from chick n grill and sat there and ate it at mydesk. I had two bins of work to do. She told me to take a fiver, she wanted to borrow my desk. She then offered that I could work on the floor. My office mate was at her desk, so I just stood there, not getting or blanking out.. I was so shocked, that I had no idea what to do except say ok, and walk out. Then, I came to. I laughed and I kicked her out. Go in the kitchen and eat. Not at my desk. This is where I work. Go in your own office! I saw her chicken sandwich break in her fingers, and crumble on the desk as she took a bite. Chicken grill meat on my keyboard!! Why does this only disgust me? That creamy yellow dressing smelled so bad. What is wrong with people, this is not a democracy, my desk. And if it not my desk, but our bosses, then it isnt hers either. Noone is going to stick up for me, but me.

Office politics. I love you diary.

Our system went down today and I fixed it. I learn all about computers and saved the day. The old lady sent my boss this message: " (Me)  saved the day, she really is an angel".


I also taught everyone to use Time matters messenger and set it all up. That way its faster to send messages, instead of email. I know big woop.

Christmas, whew, I do not even know why I should send out presents.  Why send out gifts to people no longer in my life. People I have not seen in years? I never got a bday present from sis. Nor my brother. Why do I bother every year with gifts and packages. I feel no love when I get things in the mail. I do not feel anything but a raincheck of love or an excuse, another year not to see me, let this make up for it. I don't give for any reason other than it is Christmas and tradition. It doesnt make me feel good to give to them. What is christmas, anyways, except an ancient pagan holiday to celebrate winter solstice?

I do not have an immediate family and even if I did, I could never lie to my kids and make up stupid lies like adult imaginary friends like GOD or Jesus, just for fun. Just because our ancestors did something stupid, we have to. Or Santa Claus. Its a selfish holiday and everone gets the undeserved one day a year. Even if they are bad.  And whatever good I did, I already am reaping the rewards. I do not need gifts from others. Vanity.
 
Family time should be everyday, not just one day a year. How can it be special, when everyone is doing the same thing? Useless slogans, bromides and the same things every year, the same tradition.
Xmas is about giving, giving for what?

Yes gifts are nice, but only if the giver is a good role model or special person. Or if it means something. Why accept gifts that are given just for the sake of giving something?







Another thing that bothers me is those Good morning america shows. Every morning I want to turn it off.
Its always some stupid new medical breakthru or some scientist saying something, and what pisses me off, is the people, the people at the desk, I forget what they are called, newscasters? Anyways they sit there and actually play dumb. they say things like, " So Sally ARE you saying that tomatoes actually could be poisoning us today, and we would never even know it? Could this be widespread plague upon us, today, a secret killer, we do not know? Could people actually Be DYING and not know why? Who woud have guessed known that rain possibly causes cancer, my god, I have to make sure I bring an umbrella!  Do computers actually have brains, so you say, could they get up and kill us?"  I mean, COME ON, they are just EGGING on the audience, as if we were that stupid. Why not say, " That is the craziest thing I heard, I do not believe it!" I would like to see honesty, because all this stuff is just insane. Why can't those newscasters ever tell the truth , that some news is just garbage. Why do they have to sit there and agree with everything they are reporting? Not questioning anything themselves?

I am not going to void out and blank out, I am going to speak out on what is right and wrong. I am going to call people on their stupidity. Even at work. I have to . My boss needs a little waking up. I scolded him. I did.

He always complains he is overwhelmed, and I have to hear it and sympathize. No more. Yesterday I told him,
" Well, you need to come in an hour early and stay an hour later then you will get all your work done, simple."  ( he comes in at 11 , takes extravagant lunches and then whines he has too much work) you should have seen the look on his face. And guess what , he was there today at 8 am.

There are no excuses in this world. Do your work and do it well.




12/8



I love my camera. I was playing with it. I have not been taking good photos on AUTO setting, I tried it on manual and it is so much better,

Watermelon, persimmons, banana and berry smoothies, starfruit and a little sprouts and romaine leaves. I may be turning into a raw vegan , but I know I am not. I love fruit. I just go through experiments. I am all alone , weekends are hardest, and  it is hard to be perfect. It should be easy. I may not be a purist fruitarian, I like greens sometimes, a leaf to nibble on, or celery to chew. But I know its predominantly fruit, most weeks and most months all fruit.

The purpose of writing in this blog, I do not know, it feels good. But I have to have a conscious purpose. I guess I want to be happy and this is my goal, and I record it.

Ok, so how am I happy at work, with incompetent people?.. and how am I happy when I see stupid people doing stupid things? I think I include others to much in my brain and thoughts. I need to kind of shut it out and just be self reliant and self sufficient for happiness.

I make the right choices, I say no to what I do not like and I say yes to what I do.

I do notice lately, things I thought were good, are actually things I feel this " Bad" feeling for. I know this because I use my senses. Not whims or feelings, but all around, if I feel guilty about something, it means it is wrong, and I need to stop and cut so and so out of my life or such and such habit. I am a new person, and my life relfects that.

I have felt much better. Life is a choice. I make choices every minute and the more choices I make the better I am, knowing I do this consciously. I am proud of my life and want to be proud of everything. I want to be good.

I am the source for all truth and I use my senses, and things I see, touch feel are all facts and I can make decisions and know what is right for me and what is wrong. Or good and evil. Blanking out, Ayn Rand says, is the source of all vices. Its when we feel uncomfortable about something so we blank out to avoid responsibility. Like commiting a murder, I mean, imagine doing it, you are probably blanking out, not thinking.

I do this lets say when I know something is wrong, but it is still a value to be, a kind of sacrifice I make. I do this, and I have no idea where my brain is. I want to deal with the consequences some OTHER day.  That, my friends, is real human evil, and the source of all vices.

This has become clear to me, clear and from now on I have to be here in reality, focused, and making decisions. Not avoiding them.

Then there are times when I go though life with no thought at all. That is a different kind of blanking out. Not as bad, but to think one must practice. I am going to have a purpose in all that I do. At work, I am going to learn how to do everything. And do it well. I am also going to live in reality, and not in unreality, fantasy or avoiding land.

Wishing things were, is not the same as things BEING> and the only way I get what I want to be, is by doing a certain thing. Actions are what I do. Choices I make every minute.

I want love to be the highest form of physical expression. I want to make right choices in love. I want to love myself, and celebrate my goodness and greatness with those who are worthy. Not lower. Lower meaning lower choices are made. I want the highest choices, and the highest goals. For me and noone else. In  fact, all thoughts I have I can reject or accept. But I cannot blank out.

I need to reject things or accept them, not avoid or ignore. I know what is right and what is wrong. I want to say no to many more things. ALL things that are wrong for me. It's hard but worth it. I want to be in love with myself. I do not want to find a single flaw inside me.

I mean, I used to email people and chat with people, just to do something. Just out of boredom. I would write anybody anything.

I cannot pick friends , just to write to or talk to, they have to mean something, be chosen, be higher in value and qualites. I can't waste my time , which is so precious, I have so much to do. If I am going to email or call someone, I have to be in reality about it, not just cause I am bored. Mindlessly chatting all night with total strangers or on message boards, or who knows. I do not do that in real life, why should online life be different? I hate it when people do that to me. Just chat. If there is no purpose, I am just kind of blanking out again. wasting time..passing the time . I do not want to live like that. I want to really go places and act.

I want to give things value. I want to make myself really important. I do not want to say yes to any Joe Schmo for a conversation. I do not want to blank out,  in useless friendships that I really have no interest in. I want things to benefit me.

I am going out tonight. With my friend, taking photos and eating out, going on south beach and watching tv, playing with cat, eating fruits. It will be a beautiful night, my purpose is to take beautiful photos. Post them later!

 Compartmentalizing is evil too. That is like, making your life into compartments. Let's say I have two boyfriends, well, I separate my life and make one life totally inaccessible from the other. That is so either one does not find out about the other. That way, I avoid responsibility, or think I do, and it is a juggling act, and my life no longer has any truth or substance. And I wonder why I will always lose everything.

 People do this in many areas of their lives. Not just with boyfriends, but with work, family, sleaze, friends, etc. They are all different compartments that can never meet. I have seen it, and I see the suffering and loss of identity. Life is dangerous to them.
One minute they love love, next minute they are fiends. to one person, they put on a face of pride, to the next they degrade themselves. Love one person, sleep with another.

You know it is wrong and you do it anyways, and when you are alone, you turn on the tv instead of think about your life and what it is. You blame others. You feel sorry for yourself. You feel trapped, when you did it to yourself, you CHOOSE it. And are choosing it. Instead of feeling anything uncomfortable, ( real) you blank out, the road to all vices. That is pure human evil.

Life is one life, here and now, there is not such thing as compartments. You do bad, you are bad. If only you know what you do, is all that matters, you are no longer in love with yourself, but constantly in anxiety. You live for others approval. When you failed in your own.

I cannot do this anymore. I live my life and face it, and I have no fear, because I do what is right. When I am with others I know what I am. When I am at work, I know who I am, and what I do. I know. I am proud. I know what I have done. I shine forth what I am. I get so much back. 

I got invited to a Lawyer party in Brickell. Real good friends of my friends, when he was doing criminal law. Why do I say lawyer? People call them Attorneys. I will look really nice. How fun. I am something I am proud of.
 
Plus I want to go see ART BASEL, later. SO cool. Huh.
http://www.artbaselmiamibeach.com/go/id/gsn/detail/true/




I so told you so!