The big version of this is so cool. I do not have a bikini on because I can't find my size yet.Me on the beach sunday. Mbh got me the necklace when he went to Shanghai last year.

TURN OFF RADIO IN MY SIDEBAR AND WATCH THIS, IT IS A GREAT SONG TO LIE IN BED TO

I used to like this band way back when I was in college, in dark attics lit up with black lights and pet rats and high school kids at parties.

I VOTED TODAY, I COULD NOT BELIEVE HOW GREAT IT FELT TO VOTE FOR RON
PAUL AND YES ON 1. ANYTHING DEMOCRATIC I VOTED NO ON,

PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS. WE NEED TO PROTECT AMERICAN IDEALS, NOT SOCIALIST
ONES. WHEN YOU GIVE TOO MUCH POWER TO THE MOB, WHO

KNOWS WHAT THEY WANT. Corruption and selling just to please OTHERS for power, THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW what they want, THEY JUST WANT TO TAKE
FROM THE RICH AND DESERVING.


All I care about is freedom, you do not know the reality of what unnecessary RULES do to the human brain, it brings on fear and just stagnation. 

I HAVE NEVER FELT LIKE THAT

FOR ANY POLITICIAN, AND A FELLOW OBJECTIVIST. I LOVE RON PAUL, I ADORE
HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!

MY COWORKER LOVES HIM TOO, WHAT A GENIUS. TOO BAD PEOPLE CANNOT HEAR
HIS IDEAS BECAUSE OF MONEY, HE IS SO GENUINE. HE WILL

PROTECT INDIVIDUAL RIGHTS AND UPKEEP CAPITALISM AND DENY EXPENSIVE
FREE STUFF LIKE HILARY OR THOUGHT CONTROL AS A REAL CRIME

LIKE OBAMA. I KIND OF LIKE MITT ROMNEY, HE HAS THE RIGHT IDEAS SOMETIMES.

THE CORAL GABLES LIBRARY WAS FILLED WITH OLD PEOPLE, ONE LADY STUCK A
STICKER ON ME AND THEY ALL THANKED ME. IT WAS SO NICE.

I MADE THE BEST YUMMIEST SALAD LAST NIGHT,

it was so good to eat it, I actually made a tahini dressing with tahini, date, lemon juice , cayenne and dandelion.
The salad is dandelion, buckwheat sprouts and sunflower sprouts with some cherries, pine nuts and star fruit

AND TABOULI THIS AFTERNOON. IT WAS GREAT, I USED MANGO INSTEAD OF
TOMATO AND ADDED SOME DATES. IT WAS LEMONY, GARLICY,

SWEET AND SPICY (CAYENNE).

AM I THE FIRST TO MAKE MANGO TABOULI WITH
SPROUTED QUINOA? IT WAS SO GODDAMN GOOD. I CAN'T STAND

IT.

LOL, NUTS AND SEEDS COME RIGHT OUT UNDIGESTED, I WONDER IF ALL THAT
SPROUTING WENT TO WASTE.


soooooo goooddd. I ate it fo lunch and came back home ( I live close to work) to eat more.

I KNOW GOOFING OFF AT WORK BRINGS ME TO A REAL DARK PLACE OF GUILT AND
DISAPPPOINTMENT. I CANNOT DO IT ANYMORE. ALL GUILT IS

WELL DESERVED AND WE ARE OUR OWN BEST AND HONEST CRITICS OF OURSELVES.
DON'T LISTEN TO OTHERS WHEN THEY SAY ANYTHING GOES

AND EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT. THERE IS RIGHT AND WRONG PERIOD.

MY COWORKER CRIED TODAY IN THE BOSSES OFFICE, I GUESS THERE WAS A PRE
TRIAL SHE FORGOT TO TELL THEM ABOUT OR A HEARING. They were yelling at her and she was hysterical. Sometimes I think work to them, is nitpicking, alot of time is wasted nitpicking I notice.

. THE

RECEPTIONIST WAS GONE SO I HAD TO ANSWER PHONES AND THE MYSPACE GIRL
#2 WAS DRIVING AROUND TO SEE CLIENTS AND TALK WITH

THEM ABOUT FILES, THAT IS THE JOB I DID NOT WANT. I DO NOT WANT TO
DRIVE ALL OVER TOWN TO SPEAK SPANISH. I LIKE MY DESK AND I LIKE

PAPERWORK. ANYWAYS I WAS ALONE ALL DAY AND I GUESS THE BAD MOOD MY
BOSS WAS IN WITH COWORKER SPREAD OUT TO ME, AND HE WAS

STANDING OVER ME nitPICKING, I EXCUSED MYSELF AND TOOK A BREAK. I
DEFEND MYSELF AND AM NOT A DOORMAT. WITH CLASS.

I MIGHT GO TO BOOKS AND BOOKS AFTER MY EXERCISE AND LIBRARY TIME. WHO KNOWS.

THESE DAYS I AM LOVING FOOD, EACH MEAL IS LIKE HEAVEN AND MY BODY
WRITHES IN ECSTASY AND SOMETIMES I EAT TOO FAST.

I LOVE FOOD. I DO.
ME AND ROARK LAWYER WERE ONLINE AT THE SAME TIME TODAY ON MY GOOGLE
TALK BOX ON GMAIL. SIGH. HE IS VOTING FOR OBAMA TODAY, I

CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT, ITS TOO UPSETTING. WE ARE NOT ALIKE AT ALL, AND
HE DOES NOT DESERVE THE NAME ROARK LAWYER, ADMITTINGLY HE

IS A SOCIALIST AND WELFARE STATIST,  MEANING HE WANTS FREE HEALTH CARE
FOR ALL. WHAT A DISASTER THAT WOULD BE FOR OUR

COUNTRY. I AM 100% SURE OF THIS. GOD, THE NIGHTMARE. THERE IS NO HOPE
FOR ME AND HIM, NOT AFTER THAT. IT WAS ALL AN ACT. BUT I

LEARNED MY LESSON, I AM MY OWN UNIVERSE. I NEED ONLY TO CONVINCE ME OF
THINGS. PERIOD. THERE WILL BE PEOPLE WHO DISAGREE BUT

THOSE ARE NOT THE ONES I CAN BE FRIENDS WITH. MISTAKES ARE FINE BUT
WHEN YOU KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG AND CHOOSE IT ANYWAYS,

THERE CAN BE NO HOPE.

THE OTHER OFFICE GIRLS, THE OFFICE MANAGERS, THEY ALWAYS WEAR SUITS,
IT LOOKS NICE AND PROFESSIONAL. I LIKE SUITS, IF YOU GO ACROSS THE
STREET THE GIRLS WEAR NICER SUITS. I WANT A BROOKS BROTHERS SUIT 4P
YES. SO BAD!!! THEY ARE SO NICE, THE NON WOOL ONES. I LIKE THE SHOES.
I WEAR SIZE 7 AND THEN I STICK THEM UNDER A FAUCET AND WALK AROUND IN
WET SHOES THAT ARE TIGHT BUT I STRETCH THEM OUT TO A PERFECT LIFETIME
FIT. I AM REALLY AN 8 BUT WHEN I WEAR THEM OUT THEY ARE TOO LARGE AND
I FALL DOWN IN MY FEET. I AM PRETTY SURE MY FEET GOT SMALLER SINCE
RAW. I WAS DISGUSTING BEFORE GOING RAW IN 2003. I WAS ALWAYS SWEATING
AND GROSS AND PUS-SY AND GOT INFECTIONS FAST, MY HAIR WAS GREASY, MY
FACE WAS BUMPY AND MY FOREHEAD ITCHED. I HAD WHITEHEADS AND MY TEETH
WERE YELLOW.

THE OFFICE CLERK TRIES TO IGNORE ME, HE IS GETTING MARRIED IN OCTOBER,
GOOD FOR HIM , A 3 YEAR SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP WITH A LAWYER AND
KIDS. SO THEN I GO BACK TO IGNORING HIM AND THEN THAT IS WHEN I START
HEARING HIS WHISPERING TO ME, I turn around and we talk so my boss does not hear AND he is TELLING ME THINGS. HE TOLD ME
YESTERDAY HE MADE SO MUCH MONEY ON HIS MYSTERIOUS MEETING HE WAS AT
YESTERDAY. I SHOULD JUST BLANK HIM OUT AND IGNORE HIM. THERE REALLY IS
NOONE TO TALK TO EXCEPT SHORT BALDING DUDES WITH NO MUSCLES OR OLD FAT
MEN LAWYERS. WE ARE HIRING A LAWYER AND ONE HAS AN INTERVIEW SOON, I
WONDER IF HE WILL BE COOL. I WANT HIM TO LOOK LIKE ONE OF THE GUYS IN
THE BROOKS BROTHERS CATALOG.

 IN A NICE SUIT.

I am definitely stunted in many areas, but all that I want I have.

 

—
Wealth is the product of man's capacity to think.
Ayn Rand

I took this


I am thinking about making glicee prints of my favorite photos and selling them , maybe have a show.



not this one though


I had OJ today. Fresh squeezed.

I texted MBH today. I did. I want to see him, just to look at him. Its totally selfish of me. I think it is a moment of weakness. Maybe, I just want it like I want something I know feels good but I know isn't. It could be, it might be.

I wrote Leonard Peikoff, about health and nutrition. I hope he answers it on his podcast.

I miss music and I miss feeling good and happy, and just pleasant and good.

I am listening to the Urban Outfitters mix cd. that used to be my fave store. trashy as it is.

I come a long way. I might change the music on my blog, let me find a cool station. One I have to listen to alot.



January 30th

I make this every morning, today it was starfruit, banana, 3 dates, a peeled tangerine and some dandelion.

For lunch I had cauliflower mashed up in food processor with hemp oil, some tahini, to taste, lemon juice, to taste, spices. I added a date, what a flavor! I put curry, fresh sage and dill. It was very good.

Last night for midnight snack I had bananas, tahini and pine nuts, very filling.

I worked out last night. I might go to a free meditation on South Beach tonight on Espagnola way. Good, I can sit and see my life as IS.

This girl on rawfood.com invited me, I am so happy. Yay.

I am wearing my boss's sweater, cashmere, from his office drawer, not vegan but sooosoft.

I did calculations all day on calculator. Our Time Matters software is down, everybody is crazy but me, I am always calm.

I thought that everything all things, success stuff like that comes from thinking. What exactly is thinking? Well, when I go in my bosses office, with one wall a huge window, alot of times when he talks to me, I fight what he is saying, or I am thinking of this, or on the defense or guilty or.. but what happened to thinking? What happened to just absorbing all that is? He wants to do something I know won't work, stop, fighting it, say ok and do what I want anyways. Be the room, be the entire room and SEE things. When people talk to me that I am afraid of, see them, because the answer is out there, not in here. I am visual person, I have to be.

Everybody wants me smoothies now. Even though they are green and sometimes have sprouts in them!!

Thinking means seeing everything. Even if I do not like it, that means I know what is good/bad, instantly. And feelings are not that important, it's what I KNOW that is.



Ayn Rand had the following to say about the nature of philosophy:

"Philosophy is the science that studies the fundamental aspects of the
nature of existence.  The task of philosophy is to provide man with a
comprehensive view of life.  This view serves as a base, a frame of
reference, for all his actions, mental or physical, psychological or
existential.  This view tells him the nature of the universe with which
he has to deal (metaphysics); the means by which he has to deal with it,
i.e., the means of acquiring knowledge (epistemology); the standards
by which he is to choose his goals and values, in regard to his own
life and character (ethics)—and in regard to society (politics); the
means of concretizing this view is given to him by esthetics."

"The Chicken's Homecoming," from "The New Left: The Anti-Industrial
Revolution," p107

Philosophy is the first science, the science of living.  It is a science
that does not require specialized abilities, knowledge or training
to apply to one's life.  Though a religion has philosophic content,
a philosophy is not the same as a religion.  A philosophy appeals to
the intellect, the faculty of reason.  It is through one's faculty of
reason, ie. by observation and persuasion, that one comes to
profess allegiance to a philosophy, not an appeal to one's fears
in order to elicit faith.  

Ayn Rand summarized her philosophy in "The Objectivist Newsletter" in 1962:

1. Metaphysics:  Objective Reality
2. Epistemology:  Reason
3. Ethics:  Self Interest
4. Politics: Laissez-faire capitalism

1.  Reality exists as an objective absolute—facts are facts, independent
of man's feelings, wishes, hopes or fears.

2.  Reason (the faculty which identifies and integrates the material
provided by man's senses) is man's only means of perceiving reality, his
only source of knowledge, his only guide to action, and his basic means
of survival.

3.  Man—every man—is an end in himself, not the means to the ends of
others.  He must exist for his own sake, neither sacrificing himself to
others nor sacrificing others to himself.  The pursuit of his own rational
self-interest and of his own happiness is the highest moral purpose of
his life.

4.  The ideal political-economic system is laissez-faire capitalism. 
It is a system where men deal with one another, not as victims and
executioners, nor as masters and slaves, but as traders, by free,
voluntary exchange to mutual benefit.  It is a system where no man may
obtain any values from others by resorting to physical force, and no
man may initiate the use of physical force against others.  The
government acts only as a policeman that protects man's rights; it uses
physical force only in retaliation and only against those who
initiate its use, such as criminals and foreign invaders.  In a system
of full capitalism, there should be (but historically has not yet been)
a complete separation of state and economics, in the same way and for
the same reasons as the separation of state and church."

//

I went out tonight. I went to an art gallery at the top of Espanola way in South Beach, the Mark Ruthkowski gallery, 3 floors filled with paintings. There was a party on the top floor with the hottest blondes in it. I met Mark, in a room with 6 guys, on the 2nd floor and my girlfriend I met on eat.rawfood.com. She was so nice. Really looked into my eyes and kissed me genuinely on the cheek
 

Mark gave me a little lesson in meditation, like how I am supposed to sit and hold my hands, and my friend gave me a sheet because I had on a miniskirt. I was on a pillow. Then they shut the door and I heard low chants and this bell. Then silence for one hour. I smelled incense and I heard the noise outside of people partying.

Meditating for one hour was cool, I got to listen to reality, what was around me, and then I would drift to processing questions, events and things in my mind. I kept seeing the girls from Gossip Girl in my head. I see those girls as good, because they are beautiful. I looked at things I could not look at, and it was painful. Then I waited and I felt the tiniest bit of, what is there in me, beyond? What is my true path, in mind? Then  I made love to reality again, I love it, how precious it is, one minute it is here next it is gone, and reality is so beautiful and wonderful, why, why do we all live in our heads and in fantasy or made up WISHING worship?Everything we have is deserved and we get what we do for, here and now here and now.

When I said goodbye to Mark I saw his eyes looking the same way mine did, sad. Meditation can be hell and back, but its good cause we actually see what IS. I was just waiting for my heaven to come, in my meditation. I have not done anything to deserve heaven, have not worked hard, written much or chosen the right things. It just was not there for me, real pride is a virtue to be earned. I can't have my cake and eat it to, meaning I can't be disciplined and sometimes not. What I feel is nothing to what I KNOW.

I wore my middle eastern scarf Blue, the architect bought for me at the middle eastern festival.

When we left  my hairdresser, cute italian, saw me on the street he flirted and other south beach foreign guys we passed looked longingly at me, and she looked at me, and said, " You must get attention, alot of it, wherever you go!" I blushed, it was so nice. I need to value me more.

Anyways,  me and that girl went to a French coffeeshop. She told me Mark sells paintings at $20,000 each. We talked, and she dated a  raw foodist I know, and we gossiped about him. We talked honestly and all this stuff came out easily. Must be the meditation, loosened me up. I felt such a love and it's so great being so open with a female. I texted RL who did not write me back, I was so angry for betraying myself. We talked about just a confusion about men, dating and do we really ever have anybody at all, ever? I drank a fresh squeezed oj and she had a hot chocolate.

On my way home, I got called hot alot. I should be happy, no?

I food processed cauliflower with dates, honey and some tahini and cinnamon. Tried to make it like oatmeal. I added some starfruit. I think I am the only one who has ever done that.  YUMMY...tastes like cream of wheat but cold.


Office clerk at work, early in the day whispered to me, I turned around and there he was standing tall. He said his firm let go of some people, downsizing, and he is pretty sure he is next. He said they are firing all those that make the most money. He said he thinks they will fire him either today or next week. That made me sad. I wonder if I will ever get fired. My boss called me hostile today. I think too much for him , and do so much for him and talk to him and I need to stop and just live for myself. Everyone else ignores him. He looks like Mick Jagger looks like today but total prep.



January 31st

The ability to make a mistake is everywhere, one must be on the right path always no matter what one "feels" like doing.

I made a mistake last night, I can explain myself, but all that IS, is I did bad.

Do I want to talk about these things in my journal? Maybe I need to process things.

I went to the meditation and it just opened up alot for me. Well, It couldn't have been good, because I felt I needed someone to talk to or be with. I texted Roark Lawyer, big big mistake. I know he is not for me, I should have left things as they were, nice while it lasted. Anyways he did not get the text. I did get MBH's text and it made me so happy, I love him,  but he didn't want to see me.

So then when I get home I get RL's text saying he wants to see me and he will pay for a cab, so call one. I felt nostalgia. He was a real real boyfriend for 2 months. He wanted me to do this at midnight on a work night. I did it, and wound up paying 80 dollars round trip for the cab. I can't believe he stuck me with that. I just can't. I feel its bad taste to ask for money so I didn't. He totally stuck me with that, and I know he knew it. I figured when the cab came he would pay, and he didn't and then I was ok with paying half half, even. You see, I did not know I would have to pay that before hand, otherwise I would not have come. His car was in the shop. He offered to pay ahead of time. Then when I leave he tells me his car is in shop, so I figure he will pay for the cab back. He didn't. 
It ruined everything good we had last night. (The only thing good was in his lobby, at first meeting, at the Mirador on South Beach we hugged and kissed and that was all I needed for weeks and months. We stoof there lost in each others arms, kissing our minds away, That was what I came for. I just needed that from someone, preferably the greatest man ever)

We did not say one word to each other last night, my head was down or on his chest, except, "where are you going?" " The bathroom" , " Come back, don't leave", and this morning he wanted me to take the day off and pay what I would make at work. I am glad I didn't believe him, He can't even pay for my cab! Little things like that just kill it for me, kill it and then I get so mad at myself for going back out with him, when I know he has these fatal flaws ahead of time. That is just such bad taste. I kept it in, just by experience, it's better not to say anything when unhappy to a man, about his behavior.

I woke up this morning and saw boats sailing by out his window, the doors wide open and wind blowing. He pressed against me. I looked outside and saw this Island with a huge obelisky thing, in the middle of it, Mbh showed me once, when he took me on a racing boat long ago.
 
His cat with unexpressionless eyes staring at me. He gets mad that I call it CAT and not by her name. I saw the familiar photos in his bathroom of his trip to NYC with his unattractive prodigy brain child brother. I saw the lime green painted walls in living room and the red painted bathroom and the cat furniture and toys. He has anti dandruff shampoo and minty soaps. There was my pink conditioner from a long time ago. He has a leather couch and bed frame. Jazz was playing and candles were still lit everywhere, even outside. His apartment I think is 3 grand a month. I saw empty cardboard boxes of beer in the fridge and canned pineapple in the cupboards. I saw california bar exam study books on his desk called BarRib. Ipod, guitar, and Mont Blanc pen. Photos framed on his walls of scenes outside airplane windows. One of the levy outside New Orleans.


I saw him on impulse because I WANTED love and attention. I am so ashamed of myself. It's not what I wanted. I could not even look at him, my eyes were shut and I swam in my emotions. I wanted to cry when being kissed because it felt so nice & beautiful. But the reality was it wasn't, and I knew it, but I blanked it out. I Faked reality.

 I swam in how beautiful I looked and felt, I expressed how great I was, with a loser, in my eyes. I gave my greatest beauty to someone so beneath me in political ideals and manners. ( Barack supporter, welfare statist and cheap)  Now I am disgusted, how could I? I knew this ahead of time, and chose not to see. All this, and what I get will be well deserved. I can't let this happen to me again. It's like a raw foodist eating chicken wings rationalizing it's ok. I choose better men, better choices and number one- to live for only myself and the highest in everything. He did offer me a boxed apple juice, but I left it there.

I am so sad, and I feel I did choose wrong. The alternative should be I should choose suffering and lonliness rather than compromise my ideals with someone I know is wrong. How can I live the highest life, a heroic life, if I choose like that?

Since I did not make a lunch at home, I have to buy lunch, there goes 100$ in 24 hours...to make a mistake.

I am so glad to process all this. The ideal choice for me would be not to talk to any man ever again. Until I get my life together. I am stunted in many ways and men aren't helping. They never have just gave me passion and regret. But that is all because of me and my choices. I can make them give me everything I truly want, but for that I have to follow a strict code and choose that. A good relationship takes work, and anything free has no value. It takes true self work. Not work with the OTHER but work with the self and true discipline. Love battling lust. Self respect vs feelings and whims.. and having and earning the relationship for oneself. Giving oneself the best relationship, noone else is going to give it to you but you. But me. I am the one who will get greatness for me. I have to choose it 100% of the time, even when noone but me is watching.

I am sorry I made a mistake , there is no mercy for me, I get what I deserve. I know what is right and wrong. I do. We all do, but it's what we choose volitionally. It's one thing to make a mistake, but to make a mistake one knows is a mistake is EVIL and anti life. No wonder my meditation last night wasn't filled with self pride. pride for being great.

I cannot choose brainless slut. I have to choose the ideal woman.

/


For lunch I had a surprise. Mbh, ordered me an Indian Salad

Here it is, half eaten. Can you believe it? Am I a princess or what? From Giardino's in the Gables on Giralda. It has peas and coconut and curry dressing. I was so happy like a little girl. I loved it. The file clerk went to get the same salad and the old lady is getting it tomorrow. I am so happy. But very very full, it was a large. I have to workout tonight for sure.

I signed up for a massage at the University of Miami tonight at 6 pm. I am so sore from that workout DVD called Bootcamp, the firm. The jumprope did it to me.

Gossip girl here, the office clerk, from the big real estate firm, we share space with, they have big clients like Trump Hotel and Deering estate stuff, anyways I asked him if he knows if he is getting fired, because of downsizing, like he told me yesterday. He said, he is next to go, he is pretty sure. He said "They have a big surprise coming when I am gone!" and he started laughing. The way he said it I am sure it is genuine.  I told him to let me know what it is as soon as he can, if he is gone. He said he will. I wonder what?  Suing? What is he going to do for revenge? If it is criminal I can no longer be friendly with him.

This is my new desk, I do not have the gorgeous view I had in Brickell. Only the lawyers get views of Alhambra circle. The rest are in this big room separated by dividers. The location makes up for this setup, very much. I work in the best area of Coral Gables. Brickell was nice but there really isn't an outside atmosphere, everything is indoors in the towers. Here there are businessmen everywhere and chicks in nice suits, for lunch the streets are packed. There are shops and cool mediterranean architecture


Those are demand letters I am processing and on my wall are stuff I have to do. It goes back to  the left and I have privacy because it is behind a wall. That is my salad.

/


LOOK AT THESE PHOTOS>KEEP CLICKING ON NEXT

CLICK HERE FOR PHOTOS KEEP CLICKING NEXT




Feb 2 2008

TO SEE WHAT COULD BE I NEED THE FOUNDATION TO SEE IT.  I WANT TO SEE MORE OF THINGS AND LABEL THINGS WHAT THEY REALLY ARE. I WANT WORK TO BE MY FRIEND, TO BE EVERYTHING I NEED. WORK IS MY FRIEND. IT IS EVERYTHING.

MY WORK HERE IS ABOUT RAW VEGAN EATING. BUT MORE THAN THAT BUT HOW TO BE MY IDEAL WOMAN IN EVERYTHING.

Last night my fruit I got last Saturday finally ripened

That is canistel, eggfruit, and sapodilla YUMMYYY

This morning I had a smoothie of Eggfruit, dates, starfruit and tahini with sage. YUMMY I had a quart and took it to work.

Last night I mixed eggfruit with unhulled sesame seed mylk.
Filled me up til today


My work



THERE IS LIFE AND DEATH HERE AND NOW. LIFE IS REALITY, DEATH IS UNREALITY OR DELIBREATELY KILLING THINGS, DESTRUCTIVE THINGS OR

ALSO GOD BELIEF OR WISHING THINGS ARE SO, WHICH NEVER MAKES IT HAPPEN.

WORK IS THE ONLY THING THAT WILL GIVE ME WHAT I WANT. MAKE ME SMILE OR COMFORT ME. NOTHING ELSE CAN. PEOPLE ARE JUST WALKING

IDEA, ONE CANNOT PUT YOUR BRAIN INSIDE OF OTHERS, THEY ARE BLOBS OF FEELINGS THAT HAVE NO STABILITY. ONLY WORK IS STABLE.

I WANT TO PROMOTE LIFE. I WANT TO LIVE INSIDE OF IT. ALOT OF PEOPLE ARE WALKING DEATH, IN IDEAS AND FEELINGS.

I TOLD MBH THIS MORNING SUCCESS FOR ME IS DIFFERENT THAN FOR OTHERS. TAKING CARE OF ME HAS BEEN THE GREATEST SUCCESS OF MY

LIFE SO FAR.

My boss was in a real bad mood today, He drinks whiskey everyday. Its how I explain his behavior. Not at work of course but at home. I could not move without him saying he is not done yet and I stood there watching him type or talking on the phone. I could not ask any question without him saying I do not listen. He said I can no longer be creative, but follow things to a t. I asked him how am I being creative and he said, don't argue with me. I wasn't.
 I have to be an automaton. Then he asked me if I was having fun, I stood there afraid to speak, then
 he
 told me to do something, I asked a question and he told me I do not listen. He throws papers everywhere and when I place a file on his desk he yells that I must NEVER place a file on top of an open file. He proceeded to look over my work making x's just because there is a comma or a line is not double spaced. He got mad because on a fax I wrote "I am faxing over a Voluntary dismissal..", when it is SUPPOSED to say "faxing over a VD" , he wants everything short and sweet. Says that's how lawyer's do it. And I have to do it, and I can't take "poetic license". I said, "could I go now? " and he said Yes, you can go now.

His eyes are cold and blue. Man, he must be all dried up in his colon.

He said I should tattoo that on my other arm (that I am am not allowed to be creative at work.) Very
bad mood today.

Here I am bringing him mountains of things to sign.
 I am totally ok because he is the one who has to
live with himself.

 I am home and made an herb salad. I am not being very high fruit, lol, it's just I have not had the freedom to enjoy greens in two years.



Last night I watched Eli Stone, abotu a lawyer who takes on an anti vaccine case YAY!!! The truth revealed, vaccines kill and do nothing to protect anybody from anything.

And also that Celebrity Apprentice and

The season premier 2 hours of LOST. My god, that show is so hoakey sometimes, but dark how I like
 it. Everybody got older, and puffier since last year, Jack looks like a skeleton. Every thursday I am watching this. It's not to late to get Lost.

&&&&&

2:40 am Sat morning. Feist is playing. in bed naked eating longans.

****
..

I had the most magical night.

It started out really bad, I mean, I was so hung up on

MBH.. I called him, texted him, no response. Insults,

blaming, yet I felt alive. I felt there is no escape, no

release, no outlet, nothing with him. A wall. No desire to

see me, it hurt really bad.

I called someone I dated a few times, someone I was really

attracted to,  a few months ago...but ignored, because I

was kind of scared of him. He is rich, beautiful, reserved,

not into doing anything that doesn't satisfy him. My type

of man, but at the time I wanted a relationship, so I

stopped seeing him cold turkey. This was JLawyer from Sobe. I

ran into him with my boyfriend Roark Lawyer once, and

sparks were there but no.

I called him. I told him everything. I spilled my guts how I

am in love with this guy, MBh and for years ——private

private private and today private private. I told him about

my boyfriend whom he saw me with, I told him the truth

about everything. I opened up my soul about my feelings

and what this guy does to me, and how I feel and what

happened to me in love and why..How I want to selfishly

be and exist and how I want to live for myself now. I want to

come first always and I hinted I want to see him for very

selfish reasons. How I am, me. How I am, and was, and

how things are for me. How I need to be around great

men and heroes.

He listened to me. I told him I could have sex with

anybody, it's free this day in age, but that isn't what I

want. I talked about sex as in greatness and appreciation

for the best that people do for themselves. Its what is so

rare and actually worth anything.

He told me he just bought a townhouse in Coconut grove.

He comes from an extremely wealthy jewish family, this I

know for sure, very intimidating, to me. He is 20

something. Mbh is like that, from rich family, (but not

very motivated in work himself, it appears, he is different

he is motivated),  How he was was a nerd in school, but

loved to study and very reserved. He has a new convertible

car, he really earned this all the GOOD way. I feel it, I feel

pride in his life, It speaks for himself. He has "good"

money. He is unclear in the love area, we discussed this,

he may be a little promiscious.He loves law. Loves it, it is

his passion. He works for a firm, later when I saw him, he gave me his card and

told me to send in a cover letter to him, they need a legal 

assistant. I told him my boss was mean to me. He told me

I am the first girl to get his card. Is that crazy, that is how

private he is. That is how he values his privacy and his

life, he protects. And here I am telling the world

everything.

Anyways, he calls me back and asks me if I want to go to

an 80's Tshirt party.
I was so happy. I got my makeup done 80's style at the

mall, a real makeover by the sweetest gay boy and

beautiful black girl who did my eyes, with false eyelashes

and green eyeshadow. I bought a Teenage Mutant ninja

tshirt at the mall. Size small. He had on an Andre the

giant tshirt. I looked hot. Long curled hair, and beautiful

eyes, a real makeover.

We went to Starbucks and we talked about work. We

talked openly about everything. He told me in school he

was the nerd with the red knitted sweater the cool kids

made fun of , and I told him I was one of the cool kids

who had no idea they were a loser yet in life, like all punks are. Here I was with the

hottest accesory, a real dream man, not one that can be

easily had at all.  I told him I was a punk rocker and how I

have so much regret.  He told me all the papers he has to

write at work,  and how he tries to have poetic license, like

looking up difficult words and just trying to make his

work interesting. He takes such pride in it.

We went to this party on Venetian causeway. Along the

river, by a park, after tolls. He told me it was the nicest

place he has ever seen. No shit, he has seen alot of great

ones, for sure, he must..This guy's place was four stories

high, just a condo with a roof top, all glass windows and

the furniture, oh My god...I ate all ths stuff at the food bar.

I blew bubbles and went on the ROOF and saw all of

Brickell and Miami and the place was filled with hot girls,

many of whom hugged him and announced his name.

One girl kissed me. We spoke on the roof to an ex football

player who talked about his injuries. I tallked to him

about Muhammad Ali and Angelo Dundee whom I met at

the booksigning.

I looked hot.
This guy, is so beautiful I dated him originally, because he looks like

a younger MBh and also a form of my 4th grade Crush,

whom all of them look like, Handsome, successful all

lawyers. I mean, really hot men, but he is more than just

hot. He is Great. Respects himself.
Answers only to himself. I admire that and want to be

that.

Anyways, the night was magical. I loved it. It started off so

disastrous. It did, I cried over MBH when is it going to

end? This thing I feel for him. It's too much. What does he

DO to me, this voodoo. Its like a curse I cannot find a cure

to. I love him. but it is impotent, Like Mr. Big on sex and

the City.

So anyways. I made out with J lawyer. But I didn't care.

For once, I gave myself the best I could. Maybe I kept him

in the back pocket for those moments like today where

everything falls apart and I need real saving. . With no

strings. Just cause I wanted it. I gave myself someone I

was afraid of, and I was myself.  I gave myself everything

tonight. I gave myself the best that I know of. And with no

commitment. Just because I was thru hell and I felt I had

to save myself from destruction. I gave myself a secret

passion I wanted.

we went into the woods and under black trees kissed.

There was a huge party at a mansion all lit up, a few yards

away, and with a dj so we had a soundtrack, even

Britney's new song played. We were under palm trees at

night in the dark, both of us covered in grass. Laughing

genuine and fun. It was a dream. A real treat. We were

animals lit up by senses and touch. Hugs and hugs. He is a

REAL beautiful man.

I felt so alive after feeling so dead earlier it was the

difference between life and death for me. I am great, I am

a woman, I am me, I love me, and I can get myself very 

rare men. He is a mans man. An accesory to me, but one

who may never love me. He sure looked good on my

shoulder.

I know this guy is not looking for anything serious.

Because he is so damn good. I did it for selfish reasons. I

gave it to myself. I gave myself something really worth

something. I attained a real attainment. Not in a million

years I could have a guy like this as my boyfriend. But I

had him tonight, the real thing, pure, all of myself and

real. Real honest and raw, and intense.  We talked about

relationships we have had, but the truth. He has some

serious flaws, but since he is true to himself, I admire that.

 He really has pride.

Also he is a lover of capitalism. A real turn on to me. Not

like disgusting Roark Lawyer and his love for Obama and

free health care for all. What a nightmare. We talked

about many things I talk about on my blog. He knows me

pretty well, we dated many times before, platonically

before I shut him out. And I talk alot.

I like riding in convertible. We kissed with my hair flying

everywhere. It was genuine. Nothing sleazy, just pure

respect, admiration and I felt I was witnessing someone

who really is special.

I will never forget it. One great moment in history of my

life as a woman. I am attractive. I am desire. I just want to

make out with myself now. I am so proud of myself,

What is good is what makes me happy. I made myself

happy with the best accessory a girl could have. He looked

so good with me. I looked so good with him. For one

night. I saved tonight. I saved myself. Those who say jesus

saves, are so wrong, Only I have ever saved myself.

I am not showering for days. I want to sleep with grass all

over me. this meant so much to me. I may never

experience this again. I may never see him again.

Oh for food I bought 3 lbs of longans. He loved them, said
I bought longans, he loved them said they were like

litchees. I love longans. I also had an apple/romaine and

brocolli I left at whole foods counter, by accident. That is

how distacted I was earlier.