I have to get over this, I feel so unbelievaly bad, wrong and alone. I have to make good decisions
or I will be unhappy. I know what wrong choices does to me, it kills me. Well it just makes me sterile
 and stagnant, where nothing real can happen.
My bad choice, just sayng yes when I mean no. Out of boredom or inability to face reality. I have to
 choose what my mind wants, not my heart or stomach.

Today I will look into juice fasting for a week. Also look into selling my furniture to move into the
David William. I need a change of location. I need a new start. I need to be good. I need to do
what is right. I fell so low this weekend. So depressed. I have to make all the right choices and\
 \hold myself up to what is life giving and in reality. Healthy. I have to, its life or death for me. I
 am so fragile. I want to be happy. Only one thing will make me happy and it takes work and
 making the right choices and honesty. I felt so much pain yesterday. I have to do and give for
 me. I have to be alone, and I have to feel. Things have consequences. I got no sleep last night
, so much anxiety. I have to work this morning like this. I have to keep my integrity.

Today all OJ and watermelon juice. 117 lbs this morning

Jan5


today I had buckwheat sprouts juice and apple juice.


Last night was an anomaly. JLawyer called me, wants to have dinner. It was a little shocking to
 me. I thought I would never see him again and I made such a mess last time I saw him, in my
 own esteem, of myself. I was so depressed the next day and yesterday just getting over the
whole weekend of really sinking low..

He picked me up. 24 hours of no sleep made me kind of pretty, eyes glazed and skin soft. We
went to Merrick Park Mall and had dinner outside. We talked about books, he likes Joseph Conrad.
 He is the type of person, that his beauty is not photographable. He has an IT , this self
confidence. It makes him so attractive. Clean. Maybe its his attraction to me that is attractive?

The first time I met him months ago, he gave me the impression he was not easy to get
at all, and he is just looking for something casual and looking for a girl to go through really
 hard times with him, something like that, really weird stuff. I wish I could remember it. With
 the obvious connotation that he could break your heart and not even care. Because noone
 would be that important to him, over himself. I made the choice a long time ago, that that
 isnt for me. And now I am here. How did this happen?

He kept saying " ..when you work for us.." in conversation,  meaning what? He did offer to
get me a job at his law firm a few days previous, but I never took him seriously. He kept
 mentioning it, and asking questions about what I do. I still don't believe it.

He told me, that when we were in the forest that night, Saturday, he kept some of the dirt
and put it in a box, as a memento. Wow, did not expect that either.

He looked so human to me. He held my hands, we walked everywhere just staring at each
other, and hugging. On elevators and in stores. He felt and smelled so good. He told me he
 had this fantasy of us getting mugged and then he pulled out a gun to protect me, and I
 was like what? It was crazy. We talked about the marquis de sade and Leopold masoch.
Talked about high school. He spooned me when I was in line at the Ebar for his smoothie.
 He kept singing, mockingkly, that Britney Spears song GIMMEE and we would talk about
Britney watch. I stared at him. I wasn't sure if he was an escape from reality or if he was
 reality.

The amll is great, we walked by many nice things and statues and manicured grasses.
We sat outside Furstenberg shop and talked and it all seemed so superficial.

Last time I saw him, we posed for photgraphs at that swank party and he last night, asked
 to see them, to email them to him. He wanted them?

I told him I saw the superbowl, and he asked me where I saw it, and when my cell phone
 rang he wanted to know who it was. I felt guilty about so much. He just doesn't understand
that I do have guys just as friends, and I can't sit there and explain it, it just looks bad. And
 maybe it is wrong to have guys as friends, I always thought, because the truth is, all guys
 that are just my friends,  are in love with me, admittingly. So it is not honest. All guilt is well
deserved, one must understand the source of all emotions.

My horoscope, which I do not believe in, said  to keep things to yourself so I did.


I was afraid that by putting him on a pedestal, I was leaving an obvious clue of how my reality,
is something I would rather avoid.
 
I say this because sometimes we make heores out of normal people, and its not them, its us,
 it's a denial for our own lives, or an unhappinesss, that we have to look outside for beauty
and things we do not have . I was afraid of making a mistake. All I could do was just be.
Seeing him last night was a choice I didn't make. It was not what I wanted nor expected.
 I want MBH. Only him. But I could not say no to this beautiful man. I had a second to decide
 on a phone call that morning. Maybe I was not meant to stand up for that kind of choice yet.
 I am sure if MBH was a girl, he could not resist this choice, of not choosing as a choice, either.
 So we float through life unable to guide our lives, ouselves, as any passing whim takes hold
 of us.

What if Jlawyer really likes me, he has to, I think.  I see such a sheltered life. Can I do this?
Can I give him the freedom and respect, from maliciousness that I have shown to men in the
past? Can I keep this whole thing clean? What is this? This nameless thing. Attraction, I know
 I am so attracted to his confidence and just cleanliness of spirit. He does what is right for
himn, so admirable. What is he attracted to me for? What I have worked at, for sure.

I am going to set up an appt to get my renewal permit to drive. I say this alot, but I can
want my life to change so that I do it. Stagnation is a choice. Noone is coming, only I can
 give my own reality things. That way I neevr want to escape reality nor put people on a pedestal.

but he does have value. His attractiveness is this inner confidence, of himself knowing what
 he has done. This thing that because of his choices, he knows who he is. Admirable. Enviable.
 Someone who has nothing around him that bothers him in the least. I see it, if you could
bottle it, you could make a lot of money. But we all can do this. Simply by being loyal to the
 best ideas, the right ones for all of us, the ones that bring us higher. Real attainments,
not hidden sercets.

Jlawyer is so beautiful. His skin is flawless and eyes are black. He smells so good when I
 hug him. . I asked him what it was, it's not cologne smell, but edible, fruity, soft, yummy.
 He said its Dolce and Gabbana. Hmm. Who would have known cologne can be nice.

His clothes, yes he is the boy in elementary school who wore the red sweater and all the
 punks made fun of. I see it, he retreated in his studies. He never did anything bad.

I woke up this morning, automatically searching for what is wrong with me, as I have been
waking up. and today, everything seemed better. It was different.

Of course there are traces of guilt, a little feeling like my life is happening outside me..

I am going to Costa Rica. Aftercare unforeseen, and also see my dentist there for finsihing
the work they started 4 months ago.. Possibly this weekend or Next week. I will be so happy
when everything is fixed and perfect

I had coffee last night and I might today. There are things that bother me still, I must get
 to the root of these emotions. I must feel what really happened that makes contradticions
 inside of me. I want to turn out ok and on top of everything. All it boils down to is personal
choices and its the small ones. I come first. I do.

/


I think one can have anything they want as long as they are loyal to the idea of it. How many
 times do we want something but a contradiction happens and we choose it over, what we
 want? In one second hours of planning, means nothing. And after that, there is no return,
if not impossible.

Or we think we can't have something, when we can have anything. How loyal are you going
 to be for your idea?







3 months ago at merrick



edible rose petals at the market



Hibiscus



I want to put my photos in frames and have a show



I need to get back on track. My new years resolutions.









veggiemunn made this, mushrooms, I am not fond of





I took these photos for her website















Merrick


beach


Coworkers



There is no happiness in fleeting pleasures. Your mind knows all, it has seen the repeated
mistakes. You then make a decision to never do something again, yet you do it again and
wonder why you can’t stick to anything and there is contradiction everywhere…helplessness
 and with the self judgement of anything goes, its all good if i do it, if i want it.. and believing
in victimization of life, of others..

It starts out, I know what I want, I want what is good. But this is the mind speaking, the good
 is in your mind. Then your stomach or your heart, or feelings want something else, or other
 ideas that do not belong in your plans show up, and they steal you away and your goal is
impossible to have.

So, what should be the absolute in everythhng? My mind! Not my feelings. I am an emotionalist,
 I no longer want to be. If I followed my mind in everything I would have everything I could want,
 my feelings would learn.






My new home

I just saw the David William hotel. It's still part hotel, and part condo. You can rent there anytime
or any night. It is so divine. I went on the roof with a large lit up pool on top of all of Coral Gables
 with the Biltmore over yonder.

The carpeting, the chandeliers all hotel like with beautiful furniture.

The room has wall to wall glass view of Biltmore way. Its affordable and I closed my bank account
 so my landlord can't cash his rent check this month.  plus my Costa Rica trip.

There is an unfurnished room that just opened up. I loved the gold statues from the 50's and 60's.

I closed my bak account over the phone and they are going to send me a cashier's check for what
 was in it, 5 days I should get it. I hope I do. That way I can us this month's absent rent as the
 last month's rent I paid upon move in. I hope the mail does not lose it.

I will be able to move this month. Even though it is furnished, there is a ton of room for stuff.
 I can put my couches, desk, not bed though. We will see. I have to photograph it all and then
 put at ad in the Herald.

Guess what?? My boss today told me he might buy a condo there. He says it's cheap now,
with the market so bad.




Feb 6

I went from being really depressed to happy, well, I will be when I move into new place and
get all my stuff fixed. I had my mom come over and take photos of all my furniture. I want to
keep most of it, I think, or sell it all for 2 grand. I want to save my bedset, dresser, mirror and
desk. I want my couches too, they will all fit in the unfurnished room at the David William. You
 know for my key I would have a real hotel card key with David William Hotel written on it.
It's cool.

WATER FAST

I HAD A SALAD LAST NIGHT, DISGUSTING. IT HAD RANCH DRESSING ON IT. SO GROSS.

I WEIGHED 120 LBS. THAT IS TEN LBS HEAVIER THAN I WAS AS GOOD FRUITARIAN.

I AM WATERFASTING FOR HEALTH REASONS. I have scar tissue and fasting eats that
 stuff away. I AM STARTING TODAY. TALK ABOUT MIND OVER MATTER FOR REAL. I HAVE
 TO DO THIS.

GETTING NEW APARTMENT AND MY MEDICAL TRIP, I HAVE NO MONEY TO EAT EVEN IF
 I WANTED TO, AND I WONT EAT THE WORK FOOD THEY ORDER FOR US. MASHED YUCA
, RICE AND BEANS, NO THANKS.

I THOUGHT TODAY MY WHOLE LIFE I HAVE NOT EARNED ANYTHING, I MEAN BESIDES
THE BASIC OF MY NEEDS.

MY RELATIONSHIP TO OTHERS, I HAVE NOT EARNED THINGS FROM OTHER PEOPLE,
MEANING VALUES AS A CONCRETE. I HAVEN'T I WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT, EARN WHAT
 I WANT FROM OTHERS RATHER THAN DEMAND IT OR EXPECT IT FOR NOTHING, FOR JUST
BEING A GIRL. FOR PAYING SOMEONE ATTENTION. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I DESERVE AND
IT'S SCARY. IT'S SCARY TO THINK I GO AROUND VOLATILE TOWARDS PEOPLE WITHOUT
KNOWING IT. THINGS YOU WANT HAVE TO BE EARNED, IT'S JUST LIKE ANY WORK. I CAN
WORK FOR MYSELF AND ALSO EARN RESPECT, EARN LOVE, EARN GOOD THINGS..I DO
THIS BY BEING PATIENT AND EARNING IT IN THE WAY I KNOW HOW INSIDE. THIS IS SUCH
 A GREAT IDEA. I WANT TO BE LOYAL TO IT.

THERE IS A THING CALLED CAUSE AND EFFECT. YOU ARE MALICIOUS, YOU KILLED
EVERYTHING. OF COURSE ONE MAY FORGIVE, AND EARN IT BACK, BUT IT MAY BE EVEN HARDER.

I took these last week
I sprouted the peas


yummy!!  At the weekend Farmer's market in front of city hall,  they sell these






February 7

I am thinking of doing all fruitarian again. I can't decide. It's pretty serious commitment and there are so many things I cant do like go to restaurants, I mean, I can and ask for fruit but there is so much temptation that way.

I would love to be mono  fruitarian. Its just sticking with anything 100% that is hard to do. It takes a mind that is constantly inspired. Although I see nothing wrong with greens, its very hard to eat them straight without dressings. Then discipline goes out the door. I love all fruit, yes, and fasting on water now, all I am hungry for isnt salad it is juicy fruit.

Day 2 of Water fasting. Very weak this morning, but I am committed. Already I want to change it to green juice fast, but that is my stomach deciding for me, not my mind. I have to do this. I do. I won't starve I will just eat the things inside me I do not need. Yummy. Scar tissue. fat cells. mmm. I weighed 115 lbs this morning.

I want to be normal, I want to fit in. I want a normal boyfriend. This all fruit thing, its lovely but it is so hard to hide it.


To sustain this youthful conviction throughout life, Rand argues, one must achieve a radical independence of mind. Independence does not mean doing whatever one feels like doing but rather forging one's convictions and choosing one's actions rationally, logically, scientifically. It is refusal to surrender one's ideas or values to the "public interest," as liberals demand, or to the "glory of God," as conservatives demand. It is refusal to grant obedience to any authority, human or divine. The independent mind rejects faith, secular or supernatural, and embraces reason as an absolute. "The noblest act you have ever performed," declares the hero of Rand's last novel, Atlas Shrugged, "is the act of your mind in the process of grasping that two and two make four." She meant it.

The conviction that ideas matter represents a profound dedication to self. It requires that one regard one’s own reasoning mind as competent to judge good and evil. And it requires that one pursue knowledge because one sees that correct ideas are indispensable to achieving the irreplaceable value of one's own life and happiness. "To take ideas seriously," Rand states, "means that you intend to live by, to practice, any idea you accept as true," that you recognize "that truth and knowledge are of crucial, personal, selfish importance to you and to your own life."

FROM hERBERT sHELTON

Health is a much neglected subject. Medical literature does not contain a definition of health. This is not surprising, as health has never been the subject of the medical man's attention. Disease has been his speciality, cures his stock in trade. With all of medicine's preoccupation with disease, medical literature does not contain a definition of disease. Beyond the vague generalization that disease is a departure from the normal, the medical profession possesses no semblance of a definition for that which is the object of its special attention.

In a nation of cretins, a healthy man would be regarded as abnormal; in a community of color blind people, a man with good color vision would be regarded as abnormal; in a nation in which everybody has defective teeth, a man with a good set of teeth would be regarded as abnormal; in a nation of rachitic people, bow legs would be considered normal, while the man with sound bone structure would be considered a freak. Thus it is evident that we cannot accept the common definition, vague as it is, of disease, as valid.

 Health is a condition of perfect development, a state of wholeness and harmonious development and growth and adaptation of part to part, of organ to organ within the organism, with no part stunted and no part in excess. In this state of organic development lies the perfection and symmetry of beauty. Beauty is but the reflection of wholeness, of health. It is easy to demonstrate that the forms and proportions of man and of every animal and plant, which are in their highest and most perfect state, are also the most beautiful.

 Partial beauty, fading beauty, decaying beauty—these are but expressions of partial, fading or decaying health. They represent unsatisfactory and painful states of existence. Beauty belongs to glowing health and perfection of organization. It is impossible for us to separate these ideals. We cannot picture health in terms of the conventional, for contemporary man is far short of this wholeness of organization and vigor of function that is health.

Look closely at the young men and women about you. Are these the strong men that shall be, these the lovely women of the future? Few of them possess body and mind that will come to mature perfection. Slavery and death—these are the two words that describe the history of most of them. How gladly would we stop here, but we cannot; for before us we see the writhing forms of those whose nights are spent in groans, their days in pain. To such, the bright sunbeams are mockery; the delightful perfumes shed by lovely flowers fail to gladden their hearts, for the hydra-headed monster of disobedience has struck his fangs into their vitals.

Where is liberty? Where is life? Where is happiness? Where is beauty, in a world that is blighted by suffering and premature dying? If we go out in nature, where real wealth and luxury reside, we see the sparkling jewels of earth and sea. Brightly colored birds from every clime pour forth their sweet notes in grand concert; flowers are there—bright flowers of every hue, indigenous and exotic—while bright sunlight tinges all with its celestial beauty. Life, liberty, happiness, angels of love, dwell in these sylvan bowers, not in the haunts of man. Why is the highest of earth's creatures the sickliest and the most unhappy?

  Disease is the result of any impairment of the normal functions. It hinders development, mars beauty, impairs vigor and destroys happiness. It is characterized by indolence, weakness, pain and misery, and brings a wretched life to a premature and painful end

 Man can never rise above the excellence that belongs to his body, the infinite dignity that springs from it, and he should be satisfied with nothing short of the highest physical excellence of which the human organism is capable. So long has man lived in violation of the laws of his being—so long has he suffered disease and premature death—that he has come to forget or to lose sight of the fact that, instead of the sickly, deformed creature he is, with body and mind twisted and dwarfted in conformity with false conditions, he might and should be a healthy and well-developed being, in the enjoyment of the resulting consequences of such a condition.

   The grandest desiderium in the twentieth century, surpassing in value all other discoveries that may be made in this or any succeeding century, is a true and reliable science of health or, more properly, a science of life. It would render life and health as certain as chemistry and physics, electricity and, perhaps, astronomy. When we think of how numerous and how intense the joys of living can be when we are in exuberent health and when we contrast this state of euphoria with the suffering and discomfort of disease, why do we think of the man or woman who cultivates health as a mere faddist?

 If we could fully realize that no foul fungus springs from healthy flesh and no plague develops in pure, living blood, we could grasp the supreme importance of health in all our activities of mind and body. We would understand the importance of health in the conduct of the affairs of the world. We would demand health in our leaders, if we are to continue to play the sorry game of "follow the leader." What can we expect of poetry, if the life of the poet is one long disease; of literature, when the writers are drugged to intoxication; of art, when the artists are degraded to the level of their own indulgent lives; of religion, when its ministers are steeped in sensuality; of the state, so long as its administrators are drunk and diseased; of education, when our teachers are morbid throughout; of students, when coffee, cigarettes, hot dogs, soft drinks and sex occupy so much of their time and attention? When the very foundation of our civilization is rotten, how shall we make it serve the genuine interests of mankind?
 

The first need of our world is health. Everybody knows this, but so universal is sickness that men do not recognize disease as abnormal, the result of violations of the laws of life established in nature for the control of our complex being. Health is the basis of goodness and happiness, the foundation of all progress and the theme to which our thoughts and energies will at this time be devoted. Show us anything in the universe that is in normal relations to all other things and we will point you to a good thing, a source of pleasure to every living thing, a blessing to all creation.

Of all animals man should be the healthiest, for he has it within his power to control the elements of his environment in his own interest and to provide himself with all the elements of a healthy existence. He has the intelligence required to investigate and understand his elemental needs and to apply these under all the varying circumstances and conditions of life. His resources are never as limited as are those of the lower animals.

All drugs are poisons. Every new drug is a new poison. All drugs cause disease; every new drug produces a new disease. No living creature was ever saved by drugs. All living things are restored to health, when sick, by the use of those substances, and only under those conditions that maintain the body in health. They must supply the needs of the system and not simply overcome a condition. If drugs can supply these needs, fill the vacuum, restore the waste, then they are fit substances with which to sustain the life and growth of a healthy organism; if not, they are unfit substances to introduce into the body under any circumstance.

Man is not constituted for a carnivorous diet and if it were true that flesh foods provided greater nutriment than other foods, flesh-eaters should be relatively small eaters; but such is not the case. On the contrary, flesh-eating nations, instead of being noted for their frugality, are often among the most gluttonous. Were animal foods really superior, we should find the flesh of carnivorous animals and flesh-eating peoples the most highly organized and more perfectly nourished than others. But, on the contrary, they do not, generally, rank the highest in physical perfection or intelligence; among the largely flesh-eating tribes, they tend to be lank and cadaverous. Carnivorous man seems to have no spare materials to utilize in higher or intellectual activities.

   The preying of animals upon each other is not the rule in nature and preying by man would certainly seem to be contrary to his highest interests. Even if by almost universal practice man is to some extent carnivorous, his natural dietetic character is unmistakably frugivorous, as is amply demonstrated by comparative anatomy. Is it necessary to the sustenance of the human body that carnage and violence shall fill the earth? Is it essential that our eyes shall be offended by the sight and our noses shall be outraged by the stench of slaughter houses, that our ears shall be pierced by the cries and struggle of dying animals—that, instead of sweet melody, our ears shall be filled with the cries and groans of bleeding victims? Is it essential that our bodies shall continue to be poisoned by putrefying offal and that our stomachs shall serve as sepulchres for the interment of the disorganizing dead?

  Late spring, summer and early fall witness a carnival of luscious fruits—peaches, plums, apricots, nectarines, tomatoes, grapes, various berries, persimmons, pears, apples, oranges, grapefruit, mangoes and many others fill our orchards, gardens and markets during these seasons. "Apples begin to be solid and rich, while the melons laughingly roll in their handsome rigs of delicious and refreshing drinks to cool the summer heat. What more suggestive of a genuine hospitality than to see the host standing up after the removal of the cloth to dispense slices from a huge, crackling watermelon? The effect, perchance, heightened by the flanking of round-ribbed musk-melons and dishes of rosy-cheeked peaches, purpling grapes and pears swelling with luscious ripeness—these wines of choicest vintage; these drinks of nature's own brewing!"

   There are figs and dates and cherimoyas and custard apples and many other fruits of tropical and sub-tropical origin that lend their tastiness to the diet. To these may be added the many tasty and nutritious nuts that abound throughout the world. What wonder, then, that Mrs. Mary A. Torber of Alabama, in an address before the New York Vegetarian Society in 1853, said: "Let us purify the beautiful earth from every stain. The grape, the apple, the pear, the orange, the fig, the peach, the nectarine, the apricot, the cherry, the banana, the mango—all of mother nature's choice gifts—shall take the place of the field of slaughter, and health, beauty and happiness shall supplant sickness, deformity and sorrow—freedom and life shall be ours instead of slavery and death. Earth shall become an Eden glorious in the beauty, wisdom and love that radiate from a life that conforms to the immutable laws of being."

   The tomato is an American fruit unknown to the rest of the world before the discovery of the Americas by Colombus. Although the Indians were found eating the tomato, the white man thought of it as poisonous. When it was first introduced into England in 1596, it was classed with tobacco and the deadly nightshade was given the name lycopersicum— "wolf-peach." Graham and other writers in the Graham journal did much to dispel the prejudices against the tomato. Writing editorially in September 1860, Trall said of the tomato, which was still tabu in many quarters and was regarded as a medicine (of all things! a substitute for calomel!) in others: "The simple truth is, the tomato, as a dietetic article, ranks with apples, pears, peaches, apricots, cranberries, currants, gooseberries, strawberries, rasberries, blackberries, whortleberries, cherries, plums, cucumbers, squashes, pumpkins, water-melons, grapes, etc., etc. As with all other edible fruits, it has no medicinal properties of any kind. If it had it would not be fit to eat. It is in no sense a substitute for calomel. It is not a substitute for any poison, but is a very excellent substitute for any one of the fruits above named. Any good fruit is good food for dyspeptic persons, as well as for those who are not dyspeptic; but the statement that the tomato is a specific or a sovereign remedy for any disease, is arrant humbuggery or transparent nonsense."

   Today we read and hear much about the "medicinal properties of fruits," as if there are some elements in oranges, apples, pears, grapes, etc., that make them part of the druggist's stock-in-trade. It should be fully realized that fruits are foods and not drugs, that they are nutritive and not medicinal substances. They should be eaten as foods and not taken as so-called medicines.

   Fruits were often referred to in the past as condiments, which they are not in any sense. They are food and the best of food. Strange, is it not, that there was a time, and that not far distant, when they were placed on the dining table as decorations, not to eat?

   Much of the prejudice against fruits was due to medical opposition to their use. Medical men denounced fruits and vegetables so indiscriminately that more illness resulted from abandoning them than from abuses of them. Vegetarians of the period were said to eat "green trash," just as today they are described as eating "rabbit food." The acids of fruits were supposed to be especially bad. Even today, people as a whole do not eat fruit as they should, do not make fresh fruit a part of their daily diet in a rational fashion and, consequently, suffer from many functional and, ultimately, organic impairments.

   As a nation we run to animal foods and these are, economically, the most expensive foods we produce. Humbolt asserted that an acre of bananas will produce as much food for man as twenty-five acres of wheat. We grow the wheat, feed it to the animals, and then eat the animals, receiving back in the form of animal foods a small percentage of the food value of the wheat. Seeds and grain are more nutritious than roots, although leaves are often superior to the seeds. The potato is not a root, but a tuber—a sort of fleshy underground seed that may be properly classed as a fruit.

   Many people complain that they cannot digest fruit; yet, these are the easiest of all foods to digest. The trouble arises not from the fruit, but from combining them with other foods. There are those who complain that they cannot digest apples. But they eat them at the end of a meal or after meals. Let them eat their apples as parts of a fruit meal and the trouble vanishes. There is an old Spanish proverb which says: "Fruit is gold in the morning, silver at noon, and lead at night." This proverb must have grown out of the observations of experiences in eating fruit with meals. A fruit breakfast is gold; fruit as part of a light lunch was blamed for the digestive discomforts that resulted; fruit as part of the heavy evening meal was blamed for the troubles that followed such eating. But why blame the troubles upon fruits? Why not blame the flesh or the bread or some other part of the meal? Why are we ever anxious and eager to blame the best parts of a meal for the results of our imprudencies in eating?

 Honey, also, was regarded as poor food for man. Replying in November 1855 to a question about honey, Trall said: "Our opinion is that honey is an excellent article of diet for bees, but not good for humans. As to its medicinal qualities or properties, we believe it does not possess any in the curative sense." While discussing honey, it may not be amiss to add that molasses was not regarded as good food.

Hygienists also eschewed the eating of condiments. Their position was a simple one: namely, wholesome foods are agreeable to the normal (undepraved or unperverted) taste. But so habituated are our people to the practice of concealing the taste of proper and pure food with some "more tasty garb," such as spices, salt, sugar and other seasonings, that they do not know the taste of foods. The ethereal and delicate flavors of foods pall upon the tongue and palate that is capable of sensing only the pungent and austere, so that one may have an aversion to those foods best designed to provide him with superior nutriment. The irritating qualities of ginger, nutmeg, pepper and various spices, anise seed, caraway seed and similar substances that are often added to food are a perfect outrage to the taste of the unitiated, although demanded by condiment addicts. In condiments as well as in drinkables, chewables and snuffables, what diabolism has not been committed in this country, no less than in other parts of the world, all in the name of the god of titillated sense.

   Unfortunately, we find few people with a normal sense of taste. Watch them put salt on tomatoes, water-melons, cantaloups, sugar on oranges and grapefruit, sugar and cream on berries and other substances (vinegar, pepper, cinnamon, cloves, horseradish, catsup, sauces, etc.) on other foods. They eat few foods without the addition of seasonings, sweetenings, condiments, etc. They do not like the taste of food, but of condiments, of vinegar or other foodless substance. Perhaps they like sugar and cream with a berry flavor, but few of them like berries. They eat cream on bananas, sugar and cream on peaches, sugar and spice on their apple (baked); but they do not relish the apple. I doubt if we realize the extent to which we have depraved our sense of taste.

   Almost everyone spoils a nice dish of vegetable salad by salting it down or by the addition of a salad dressing that has an abominable taste. Few relish the natural savors of their salad. The vinegar in the dressing appeals more to their depraved taste. Few of these people realize that the addition of such substances to their foods retards the process of digestion and is a common cause of indigestion and all the ultimate consequences that flow from chronic indigestion.

 It was objected that salt is necessary to life and health. How easy it is to find an excuse for our bad habits! Salt is necessary; salt improves the flavor of food; salt adds to the joys of eating; salt promotes digestion; salt is an essential ingredient of the living organism. Such were the assertions made in defense of a practice that was far from universal among mankind and practiced by no animals in a state of nature.

   To say that because salt is found in the blood, we must eat it, is like saying that we must eat iron (perhaps saw filings) because iron is found in the blood. It is like demanding that we eat phosphorus because phosphorus is founc in the nerves, that we drink iodine because iodine is used in the thyroid gland. We have to draw our mineral nutrients exclusively from the plant kingdom and not from the soil.

   How can salt be a food when it passes through the body unchanged, being ejected from all of the ejector organs in the same state in which it is taken into the stomach? If it is taken into the stomach as salt, hurried through the system as salt and cast out as salt, how in the name of bread-and-butter can it nourish the tissues? We have long known that food—all food—is changed, transformed into the very elements of blood, muscle, bone, brain, nerve, sinew, etc. Substances not so transformed, with the sole exception of water, are not foods but poisons. It was then, as now, commonly asserted that all animals are fond of salt and that some tribes of the human family prize it above gold or any other mineral and will even exchange their children for salt. "Salt is very important as an article of food."


  Let us not talk of iron chains, nor yet of physical starvation and thirst! What are these but faint types of starvation, the bitterness and the slavery that man creates for himself by his disobedience to the laws of nature? Words are all too weak to describe the suffering man inflicts upon himself. How often is a smile on the face employed to camouflage the canker that is gnawing at the heart

  In elevating non-human standards and worshipping non-human images, we have violated the laws of our being and disregarded the oracle of our inner selves. We have compelled the being that is man to bow to standards that belong not to his high status, to submit to regulations and cultivate gross habits that not even the beasts of the field respect. We have spilled rivers of blood in support of the "divine right of kings," for "God and our country;" we have spilled oceans of animal blood that we might eat of their flesh; we have enslaved men and women and exploited them unmercifully; we have marred and scarred the face of the earth in the name of progress; we have departed from the simple, peaceful ways of nature and built a hell on earth.

   Drugs and treatments are administered and patients get well. The assumption has always been that the drugs and treatment restored health—cured the disease. So long as all patients were drugged, it may have seemed logical to assume that drugs accounted for recovery; but once other means of caring for the sick were employed, it soon became evident that there must be some other way to account for recovery. If the sick pray and get well, if they carry a horse chestnut in the pocket and get well, if they are massaged and get well, if they bathe and get well, if they do nothing and get well, if almost anything, from incantations and prayers to the most violent processes of cure, seems to restore health, what is really responsible for recovery? If we take the broader view of the matter the fact becomes obvious that either there is curative power in everything or the real healing power resides in something other than the means of cure. The Hygienic answer to our question is this: all healing processes that occur in the living body are biological in character and belong to the organism; they are not the work of drugs nor of treatments. The healing power resides in the body and is one of the cardinal functions of the living organism.

   The antibiotics are no more popular today, they are credited with no greater achievements and are not supposed to be effective in a greater number of diseases, than were such drugs as mercury, quinine, alcohol and opium in the past. Blood transfusion is no more popular today than blood letting 100 years ago. Hormone injections have simply supplanted the use of the excreta of man and animals. There was a time when powdered mice cured whooping cough; today a vaccine (allergin) made from the sweepings from city streets prevents hay fever. The first was a superstitious practice; the second is scientific. The intelligent layman will have great difficulty in distinguishing between superstition and science in this instance.

  Writing editorially, July 1862, Trall said: "There is no curative virtue, no healing power in drugs or poisons, nor even in Hygienic agencies, whether applied externally or taken internally. All healing power is inherent in the living organism." Dr. Walter well expressed the Hygienic position when he said that, "unless science is humbug and logic sophistry," water or Graham bread or exercise or rest or other means or conditions applied to the sick do not restore them to health. Hygienic means are not cures. We refute curing power either as belonging to ourselves or to anyone else. We insist that the power to heal belongs exclusively to and to nothing outside the living organism.





I AM DOING GOOD TODAY. fASTING ON WATER IS INTERESTING. I DREAM ABOUT MONO FRUIT EATING. THAT IS ALL I WANT AND CRAVE. THERE IS SNICKERS BARS BAG IN OUR WORK KITCHEN, WOW, I MISS BEING A KID WITH NO IDEA AND NO CONSEQUENCES TO EATING FOOD LIKE THAT. AS ADULT, IT JUST IS SO OBVIOUS HOW THAT IS NOT BENEFITTING ME, BUT SOMETHING MY STOMACH WANTS, NOT MY MIND. I NEED TO MAKE MY MIND THE ABSOLUTE.



I found this, I actually made this raw fruit pie before I started blogging

mangos on the bottom and God I wish I knew what was the filling, dates, figs coconut meat  YUMMY



3rd day waterfasting



Hello, it is day 3 just water. I feel weak in the mornings, a little mucus, white, and my oh test strip was the most acidic it could be. Fatigue, but its fixed with water, as I drink it I feel better, but I was so hot..

I watched Lipstick Jungle Last night and LOST. I can't watch Celebrity Apprentice anymore because LOST is on. It is getting weird that show. LIPSTICK JUNGLE is so awesome. I love watching these women make the right choices.


I was cold when I woke up. I have so much to be thankful for, yet sad I made such bad choices in the past. I am willing to go through all the feelings of making bad choices. I accept them.
I also have been hurt very much by those I love more than anything. That is a reality I cannot fake and I guess it just hurts all around. I know I didn't earn it, what I wanted, and lost patience, but noone knows my feelings and the sadness I feel. I am talking about a man I love very much. Quixotical, misunderstood, complex, and whats the word where you can't figure it out, it's just a thing in itself. But I "feel", and no, my feelings are not what I should be what I make decisions with, all my life I did that. It is just a bad habit.

Not much to talk about when waterfasting. I drank water, lots of it, yummy. Getting paid today. It's all going to my new apartment in the David William.  I am also going to CR to see Dentist and also to fix the Surgery that I had, that I have complications with. That will be the 22nd.


I have strange thoughts, am a unique girl , I am sure. I am not sure I want to be brunette. I just want to have fun. But natural hair is so pretty. I am nothing besides the work that I do.

I weighed 114 this morning.



Day 4 Saturday

Oh its the farmer's market and I am fasting. I want to get back on the good moral path. It has not been easy. But it will happen soon enough. I come first in everything.

JLawyer wants to see a movie tonight. That should be nice, something to do. I love his convertible. I love looking at him, so clean, and his clothes are always brand new. I should not see him. I should be loyal to myself and just be happy alone. Alone I have fun, I eat whatever I want and ..and..am happy. I should love myself first, never a man, never someone outside myself. But he is a value to me, he works hard and he has this self discipline and self respect I admire. Its called confidence.

But our time together, it is so , I do not know. He does not know me like Mbh does. He just knows the nice stuff about me. The surface. The face I show the world. the pretend.

My hippie girlfriend came over last night.
We met at books and books. I agreed to see this army guy later I took a class with a long time ago. He wrote me that he is in town. I said sure let's talk. It was for less than a half an hour. Big mistake. I knew it, and I made it. I can't see people I know I don't respect or admire. I should make that a rule. Was it boredom?

I told him I was an atheist and he told me I should be a scientologist and me and Tom Cruise can go crazy with that. What an insult. He also asked me why I am starving myself. I explained what fasting was. You see, not my type, at all. He is an army guy, what do you expect from selfless automatons? It's like passive aggressiveness. I excused myself. He tried to kiss me, ahahah. I laughed. Yes we took a class once. Big deal. Now he won't stop IMing me. ehhyuk

I want to be alone and only be with the perfect company. The best for me. The best according to my values and what I know. Some people who take me out of myself. Greatness, people who take my breath away.

At Books and Books all the workers there talked to me. It's nice to be noticed and spoken to. I do not spend money there, I just go to all the book readings. Some lady last night was so boring. Talking about the inner buddha she wrote in her book. More mysticism irrationality. I like the here and now and am happy with being god myself in my life.



I am wearing a tight green long underwear shirt with birds painted on the sides and jeans. I like myself tonight. Going to see THERE WILL BE BLOOD at COCOwalk. It's this bunch of stores in coconut Grove. My sister's hangout. I hope I have fun eventhough I saw it before. but it is the best movie I ever saw in my life.


To eat, just water, 4 nights now, wooooo

I am listening to Interpol. I am thinking many things. Inten minutes I will be picked up.

Guess what? My mom came over and when I showed her a pic of who I was going to the movies with she said it is a perfect mirror image of MBH. I agree. It is. Closest thing I have, and who ever has anybody anyways.

I told my momthe rason I can never stay in any relationship is cuz I am way too critical. I am. I am volatile, just like my boss told me, and defensve. Well, while fasting I feel all this. There is no myster, noone hurt me, I did i all myself.

Does that mean I have to honor those I love even when the do despicable things? I guess so. I should stay out of it, for real.



Da y 5 only water

Day 5 of water fasting. I got the key to the office at work, so I was thinking of going, there is so much work for me. The 200 files I have have grown as we get more clients and I need to process these. The reason I cannot do them, is cause I have two bosses that always have emergencies, or I have to sit in their offices and listen to see if we are going to sue or not. I always say, " But what about my work?" and they always say it'll take a second. ( In theory) and my work flow is interrupted. I do not mind, it's just clients call wanting to know status of their cases and the girls thaat answer the phone lie and said they have been processed. They can't lie like that but they do, and it's a big mess.

I had a nightmare two blondes were with MBH and one was staring at me, and I had no idea who she was until I saw him with them. I felt terrible.

I miss him so bad.
C'est la vie. C'est mon existence. Ma vie comme est. Je veux faire les bons choix.

Last night I went to the movies with Jlawyer. Reading him, I know everything. There is a fear and retreat into himself. One moment he is cold, another affectionate. He had a "problem" or has one. Something wrong. I think he is one of those men who can't do it. He admitted he has a criminal record. Possesion of cocaine. We were talking about condo associations and how I need a criminal check to live in the David William Hotel. It surprised me, but he is a very reserved guy. I know he isn't for me. Seeing him is so nice though. His skin is clean and he smells good. He has a beautiful townhouse but I know this can't last. I just don't see us together happy. I am filled with regret and loss and I want to crawl in my self made happy hole by myself. Why do things for others, why waste time and energy dating when it rests on so little. And what have I attained if I succeed? An emotional partnership filled with trying to do the "right " thing all the time. That is a lot of work.

I want love, yes, I want someone to love me, yes. But I need to love myself as is. I use these dates to get away from myself which is destructive. Get away from what? Distracted from what/ Well that is my life. Then again, I have to love the perfect guy, the best looks, best job and well, doesn't every girl want that, it's much more competition and brings me to the highest state I can be..

I weigh 110 today, my ideal weight. My friend K came over this morning and she says she can't tell the difference between me at 120 or 110 because I am so damn skinny. AHAHAA. my ph test strips have been the mos acidic everyday, so I know poisons are in my bloodstream from detoxing. Now, if I can get rid, eat up this scar tissue that would be great.

My phone rings all the time. I lost interest in my hpie girlfriend who told me she thinks big boobs are disgusting. She went on about it while grabbing her little boobies. She spoke about how the girls on the beach have them and she thinks they have no idea when they are so exposed, they los a sense of dignity. It hurt my feelings cause I am 32F. I just listened and heard her, didn't argue.
She went on and on about how raw food is too extreme and she went on and on about how millet is superior, in a way that was telling me she knows more than I do. I like her but with these comments, it makes me afraid. Maybe she doesn't like me?
She is the same age as me and has a lot of wrinkles. She says it is because of her suffering in life. She also told me she hates people who are conerned about their "image".. WHAT? Is she crazy?
What is the alternative. Image is everything.  EVERYTHING. That is why people work so hard , to be beautiful, have things and be successful. Image is important to self esteem. I didn't argue, I sensed maliciousness .Next! I need beautiful people to be friends with who love me.


Me on Biltmore way meeting my realtor, she is so nice. She is actually in the next condo apartment from Roark Lawyer, I know she reports back to him. I know that he made a deal with her if she gets me a lease ( money for her) she has to take him out to dinner. Was this my 2nd day waterfasting? I am about ten pounds lighter now


Cocowalk where I went last night to see the movie THERE WILL BE BLOOD

Jlawyer with a silky white tshirt, he cut his hair.


 She is cute huh?My friend Krystal comes over everyday and this is her after an ROTC thing
she wakes me at 5 am to go jogging and I have to time her and watch her, she can do squats around a track.



Sleeping guy, don't laugh I do this too everyday on my break. I go on Miracle Mile
 to the park and sleep in the sun. He is sleeping against Barnes and Nobles.



City Hall and that is George Merrick, the guy who built where I live


Dresses on Miracle Mile are so pretty. Top local designers own shops in the area.




Kids playing on city hall, the farmer's market is across the street


offices on Ponce de Leon are so nice


Agave plants in my neighbor's yard


wild lizards everywhere, when you walk on sidewalks they scurry across


YUMMY


Black sapote fruit for sale. I never had one, I am fasting. They said they will have them
 next week,  how awesome is that?


My breath is sooo foul. I can' t tell, my mom told me, it is cause and symptom of fasting.

We went and I bought a suit and a nice black dress.



All the girls at work ask me if I have a myspace and I say no, because I dont want my
work to know I am fruitarian/raw vegan and to find my blog where I gossip about them.

LOL

I love work lately. Getting rid of Myspace girl made everybody friends. The file clerk , we
 laugh and tell each other things. We never criticize. They are fine with my waterfasting.
They think I am just broke. Well, I am , first last and security and this trip to Costa Rica the
 22nd.
I am broke.

My mom brought me over a watermelon, MOM! I am fasting, she goes, oh just in case.
and she brings me hair products and garbage bags, and my laundry all clean and folded.
 How sweet is that. My brother is living with her. She still is in Dadeland condo.

My boss lives in a condo in Key Biscayne, he used to live in a mansion. I prefer mansions
to condos.

I went today, sunday to work, all by myself in a miniskrt. It was so cold, plus I am fasting.
The security guard had a sweater over his head. I did work until I ran out of supplies. So
 I left. 4 hours was enough for me.

I rode my bike around, I went to sleep, the deepest sleep I ever had. I was in pain , I
remember over MBH but then, this realization came over me that I need to accept all parts
of existence not just that part, because the world is happening around me, and rejecting
 reality
 is always evil

I slept so deeply, the sleep of death. My mom came over I was naked. It took alot to get me
out of bed. I made a mess in the bathtub shaving everything and she cleaned it up. MOM,
the only one who takes my underwear and washes them. Mom, who I can talk about the
most intimate things with. I told her about Jlawyer and she told me this guy she used to
see, I forget his name, but he used to wear a cuban hat,  I hated him, my mom used to
order shrimp platters for when he came over, He was nice and would take her out to fine
restaurants and hotels just to hang out, anyways,  they never did it. We tried to explain it.