Breakfast of Champions, this strange fruit, was so sweet so
good, I have to buy a box. It was SWEET and mamey like,
the seed are in the middle, I saved them






My new apartment is so clean. Its so pure, it is so filled

with good possibilities. My last apartment, the walls were

oozing with evil. (I mean evil as in anything that does not

benefit me or my interests and holds me back). I want to

keep this place clean and good. I want it to be good for

me.I want to protect this place from all bad. I want to

protect it and keep its integrity. Every moment, every

choice I make every second of life I will remember, I

cannot forget anything I do, I cannot evade, it is there for

me to remember what I did. Good and bad.I choose good

because good is what is natural.

I have a pool to sunbathe. Thank GOD I am so sick of

going to the park by Barnes and Nobles and laying out

with my skirt over my knees while business people walk

by, and I look stupid, or in park in front of city hall while

cars are all around me and people pooing their dogs, or in

my old backyard so my sleazy old oriental Jamaican

landlord could see me with my short shorts and tank

top..naaa, I used to go to South Beach, JUST TO TAN,

Now I can go out when sunny and no one can bother me.

My neighbor is a lady attorney. I see mostly women and a

doctor in scrubs.

I am a fruitarian. I am a mono fruitarian.
 My life has

never been better than these past few days eating mono. I

mean sanity and wholeness, and apparent miracles that

have happened to me. I have earned them. I want to earn

everything I get. I do. I earn it.

I am not a raw vegan. I thought I was a closet one. I am a

barehanded mono fruitarian. No more recipes, just fruit,

beautiful strange fruit.

Fruit that tastes sweet. Fruit that is not the kind they sell

in the supermarket.

I cannot tell you the cloud of heaven, the cloud of good,

the cloud of sanity I have been on these past few days.

Last night, in the dark, under trees, on a sidewalk, MBH

spoke to me the most beautiful words,as he held me close,

he said it to my face. It was a command. Maybe it wasn't the

words but the way I heard them, I was moved. I made a

promise. I couldn't stop staring at him. Seeing the finest

of man, touching his muscles. His new haircut. There is

noone as hotter as he is, as manly. I just kept drinking in

my half fasting half fruit state. Just touching them, I was

like this drunk, drunk with beauty. I could barely speak.

That is not the point, the point is so much good happened.

I moved into a new apartment. In the best neighborhood,

by the entrance to Coral Gables Country Club sign, where

I go jogging around Granada golf course, this grass jungle

of trees and soft green fur. The best price, pool, quiet,

leaves, by towers, by business offices, by Miracle Mile, by

my job in the Circle. I have always loved Coral Gables

since I seen it. No city I have ever seen maes me feel the

way I feel here. It's like apart from the world. Apart from

Miami for sure. People are intimidated by it, I see it as

beautiful place with the best history and trees. The best

people live here.
President Bush's brother, Jeb, lives across the street. I see

the tower out my window.

Here I am a fruitarian capitalist, slowly getting better.

Noone know where I came from but MBH. He knows how

hard I work, for myself, to be somebody special, for my

own interest.( Its not "feeling" special that makes you

special, a criminal could feel special. )Its' DOING

something phenomenally special. I want to do it.
I want to do something really important and valuable.

valuable to the world that I own. That nobody can take

away. Everybody works. I want to do better than that.

Mbh has the greatest of friends that moved me, so strong. 

they lifted up this dresser of wood that is wall sized and

heavy like in 3 minutes got it in truck.

My mom spent all day moving me. I better do something

nice for her when I get my paycheck. Maybe dinner at the

Mandarin Oriental Hotel or something.  Or a hotel night

in Key West, and maybe a ride there too, she hates

driving. Maybe I will fly my sister down for her. Or fly us

up there in April for her birthday.

Fasting did something to me. I walked in Kinko's and

everybody stopped to look at me. I barely go out. I like to

read and eat my chopped papaya from Tim's yard at the

farmer's market.

My mom said she noticed for he first time, how I really

changed at the farmers market. She saw so many people

waiting to talk to me and dying or me to look at them. I do

not notice these things, my back is always turned. She said

it was hard to watch these people trying to get me to say

something to them. How nice. I just feel. I feel good, and I

feel great eating mono fruit.

Its funny I have my energy back from fasting but not all of

it. Sometimes when I talk my vision and my words feel,

like they are slightly slurred and blurred. Or I run out of

energy in mid sentence. 1o days no food, no juice, sounds

simple until you try it. Try it in a work office filled with

files, dancing numbers, bosses who sound angry when

saying nice things, girls, who normally I would think of as

fat slobs, look so pretty and open up to me, and colors,

lights shining clean brilliant.

Fasting made me slam my fist on my bosses desk asking

him why he is so rude to me, and I kept him for two

hours, while everyone else waited, I could see my

coworkers sneaking looks at me, expecting the worst,

while my eyes felt like they were crossing, could barely

breathe, I smelled like death and sulfur, fainting almost,

drinking hot water for food. I stayed until we are happy

with each other again. He could not avoid my intention, I

had enough with im, every time I asked a question he

made me feel like it was baby stuff. Yes, I know he is rich

and has had mansions, large family, all grown lawyers in

London, and he fairly has some power, was a politician

once in office, but with me he listened. If I had said

nothing we would not get along. He now pulls me in his

office to discuss real estate plans, he shows me the condos

he wants to buy and asks me questions since I know the

area. I don't want to be too close to him, I just want a good

relationship at work, and I can produce.

Plus another thing I realized, I am not a 120 lb girl.
I am the real me at 105-110 lbs. It is not an anorexic
thing, but I feel like the real me at this weight. I feel clean,
 I feel good, I feel perfect. I am a Posh Spice. I really am.
 I thought I was a Katie Price, but no. I am a Posh. I like
 skinny and am not ashamed of it.
Why is there uch a taboo on wanting to be skinny. Sure
people die from not eating but 8 million times more people
 die from eating. I think skinny is healthy. I do. Medium,
normal, in the middle, average, Gray weight for my height,
 I do not look my best. With my large chest, I can be skinny.

Now, my mom, she eats!! She eats and eats and loves it, she
 says she thinks fat is beautiful. I say, if fat is beautiful we would
all think fat is beautiful. It's not , maybe its irrational saying of hers,
maybe she just wants to accept herself as beautiful. Sure you can be
fat and pretty, look at Kim Kardashian/ Beyonce. But you need to work
 out 50 hours a week like they do.  It is makeup and hair and working
out and an amazing attitude that will save you. Its very possible. 
Hey I would love to eat whatever I fel like, but I would not be my
 best. I would not be.

I like to keep it simple and happy. SIMPLE and HAPPY and totally satisfying.

Mbh said he is bringing over SAPODILLAS> I almost died
 when I heard that, you see? You see  what makes me
 happy? Exotic, tree grown, backyard EXOTIC FRUIT>

I just DIE. I DIED when I had tangelo juice
 
from Tim's
 backyard at the market. I stared speed talking and
getting dizzy and my ten day fasting made me go up
 and down in energy, and I could not think but spoke
faster than my thoughts and made no sense. Meanwhile
 two guys and a girl were STARING at me in awe.

Oh I broke my fast with SUGARCANE JUICE> ahahahaha
 imagine that, ten days no food. My brother took a photo
of me. It was hard to drink, I made faces, I squirmed.
I tasted something so foreign..maybe that is why these
past few days have been heaven. Then, I relaxed, and
I felt so good for so long, about everything.

I am a sugar freak. A natural sugar freak, I don't care
 what anybody says, sugar is food, fructose sucrose in
natural raw state is food. Food to me. Its brain fuel,
 it helps me live. Thrive. My favorite is sugar and fat in
DURIAN. If you disagree well eat your cabbage.

I am happy where I am. I am loving life, and loving and
 giving so much to what I want, and what I want is selfish.
I want to be happy. I want to make myself happy.

This is me Breaking my water fast with guarapo. Man, it was something.
I have been tasting my own rotten spit for ten days


Typical snack



Duran MBH gave me for valentine's day, awww its so pretty


Guy in neighborhood cutting down coconuts




2/18

Last night was nice, I put my apartment together and cleaned, not completely.
I had such a great time. I slept so nice. Its cause the apartment has its integrity.
I will always sleep well if I make the right choices in everything in it.
Waking up to fresh air and my cell phone alarm. My coworker calling me to pick me
up. I showed her around. We gossiped in the car about how she told her boyfriend,
 " Don't think for a minute other guys don't want me" and he said, " Sure, any guy will
stick his d-k in you but keeping you, is a different story!" and she went on and
on and I listened.  She told him to not call because she was ignoring him.
Guess what, he calls her with her cell phone that plays jams when the phone rings.


She asked me if I had a myspace yet, I said no.
She was laughing about it. She wore a low cut dress and blazer.

For breakfast Tangelos.

For lunch I may go to the supermarket, yuk, I hate supermarket fruit. I might get
 some cherries and I am trying to stay away from avos, but I might. Or I hope
they have some ripe orange star fruit but I doubt it, supermarket fruit is always
unripe.
Maybe an organic melon, but I have to wait til it warms up and isn't freezing, or
some berries. Complain complain, bitch bitch bitch spoiled farm/backyard fruit girl

Mbh came and hooked up my tv to get channels last night. I felt his muscles as
 we talked.

He is photographing boats from
 the boat show. I can't wait to see them. He is way better photographer than I am.
His photos are always clear and his subject always in focus. Mine are just colorful
 because I blast the saturation on them. I take photos of fruit a lot too. He takes
 wonderful ocean/nature photos.

I am going to decorate my apartment with framed photos of mine when I
 have the money. That should be nice and fill me with a little pride. Pride is a virtue!!
I want to be talented. Takes practice.

My bedroom window opens up next to an apartment building and last night
 a guy was watching soft core porn. Funny.

I found my Cherry ring, I got in Times square, last night. SO happy.  It can reinvent
itself as the ring it was meant to be. I love the cherry rings at Nordstrom's. I don't
want to
be too cute though.

I am wearing khakis and a brown shirt with a blazer with little pink flowers all over them.
 My hair is
blow dried and speed curled.

My kitchen is so cool, I put my desk in there and there is a breeze and it is clean.
It reminds me
of my kitchen a long time ago growing up. My mom used to hang orange peels
 from the oven door for tea.

I still have bits and pieces if my 4-5 day period. That is what fasting did to
 me, gave me a real long one. It looked like sand was also coming out of me, it was gritty.

I fasted for other reasons but all around fasting rounded me out so I know in my mind
things I never knew about myself and my self image.

I have so much stuff in my apartment I need to look through and organize.
SO much. I have paints to paint photos
and cd roms and all this fun stuff. Books I haven't looked at in years, Where
was Ehret's " Rational fasting" when I was fasting?

I can't wait until summer so I can go swimming in our pool. And lay out.
I have not had one in years. My mom used to have one. It's ok.


I was a little cold today. If I do not drink water my nose drips,  but once
 I do I am ok, the air conditioning is so high at work. I have on a wool
poncho, lol. I forgot to wear stockings.
Noone was at work, the scheduler was hysterical all day. I let her be,
 my boss was nice.

I had three oranges, was hungry but had to wait til I left work, because
 I got a ride this morning and its too far to walk to supermarket and
the trolley is not working.
I have watermelon, pomelo, grapes, papaya at home.

I am eking by til my next paycheck. I may have to fast again, because
I have no money, lol. But that is good, because when I look back I want
 to say noone helped me.

I called my ex landlord



19th

Today I am wearing a pink Lacoste sweater with white collared shirt and khakis.
I have urban decay liner with glitter in it and my cherry ring on..I did not have
 time to go shopping. I am tanned from a weekend ago. I will be tan
again this weekend. Every summer I lay out in the sun, is it summer yet?
I don't know, I live in Miami so it's always summer except for a few months around Christmas.

Last night I ate
Papaya, 1/4
three oranges
Pomelo

It was my first time eating a pomelo. It was so large. It was! It tasted like pink
grapefruit, I thought it was gonna be bad.

I took a hot bath when I got home and then cleaned for hours. Cleaned using my
brain. I picked up stuff and thought in my head where they were gonna go.

I was done, lay on my couch took a nap and saw a path in my mind. I felt a
contradiction, a big one. Then I fixed it. I know what to do now. Just by thinking,
seeing in my mind's eye what my choices, are and if I come across a lack of choice,
I keep looking until I find one. Do I go by my feelings? Yes,
 I say so, in my brain, like what is the best decision that will make me happy
long term. If there is a contradiction I have to rearrange and redefine what I am
and do in the situation.

I watched a little meaningless tv, all stations have canned laughter.
 Everything is so funny, isn't it? Married couples and end of show morals, and
comedians trying to hide their mistakes, from nosy relatives 
 and then in the end it all comes out.
 Everybody laughs. Kids say cute things, sometimes inappropriate. Old
people talk about sex and shock everyone. These sitcoms are soap.

I like
the nature channel and watching lemurs fly. It can be boring though. Animals just react.

The news is sooo bad.
Vaccination time again, folks, get in line for your flu shot. A man,
a drawing of a black guy, is stalking women and raping them in the
streets, look out, if he looks familiar call us. Or little kids saying cute
stupid things and it takes them 2 minutes to say it.

What would real tv look like, MOVIES> good ones!! Ones that inspire
us to be greater than we are.

I looked up Posh Spice diet. Ha!, she eats strawberries , lettuce and
steamed edamame and does 200 push ups a day. lol. That is funny.

Last night cleaning I found a 45 dollar check. Expires 30 days
 so I gotta cash it now. Awesome.

I sleep so well in my new place, I sleep like I am happy. It is so
 great to feel this way. It is soooo great. I want to make it last
and it all starts in the brain. I have to THINK!!! I have to stay on
 this path of me, happy me.

Tuesday its breakfast at work, there will be gigantic bagels basket
and muffins. All the fat old ladies will save one half for today and the
other for tomorrow. They will stand around and talk about cheese
and the cost of bagels. They waddle to their side of the building.

SOmetimes In the hall I see other offices and trays of burritos
delivered and carafes. Lots of coffee.

I heard Mary kate Olsen was on the coffee only diet. To me,
that is impossible because after 4 hours, coffee will make you
 ravenous for food.
Poor girl.

I love my new place, its so beautiful. I love being so close to work. Like
down the street and over.

Cleaning I found all these cool things like stationery I never use or
stickers, tons of stickers.
At work, when I write notes I add a little smiley face sticker.

I have to go get food today, and stock my drawer with fruit, lots of it.

I found drawings Anne sent me, of cats and Christmas trees, I found paints
I could paint again. Painting is always fun when you have company. Alone

Moving I found so many wires. I have two drawers filled
of wires, plugs, chargers, cables etc.

I have so many raw food books. I used to collect them.
 Nowadays I do not bother. I am beyond transition food,
so beyond I cannot even collect

the books anymore. I wonder if this is the last stage for
me, mono. I hope so. 

THE IDEA IS TO FOLLOW "I". "I" IS THE KEY TO EVERYTHING,
 I IS THE POT OF GOLD, IT IS THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH, IT
 IS THE MAGIC BULLET

EVERYBODY SEEKS, IT IS THE HIGHEST, BEST THING EVER.
NOT ME, BUT I. I IS HIGHER THAN ME. IT IS THIS ENERGY
THAT COURSES THROUGH ME, EVERYTHING FILTERS THROUGH
 I. i CAN PUT BAD STUFF

THROUGH IT OR LET IT GO NATURALLY ON ITS OWN COURSE.
 I KNOWS EVERYTHING. I HELPS, SEEKS AND WANTS ONLY THE
 BEST FOR ME. THE

LAST WORD IS I.
MY HEART BELONGS TO I. MY HEART ALSO BELONGS TO WHAT
 IT BELONGS TO. SOMETIMES I HAVE Attachments I SHOULD
 OR Shouldn't

HAVE, I KNOWS. I SEES. I WILL FIGURE IT OUT AND SAY WHAT
 IS WHAT AND WHAT IS WRONG AND WHAT IS RIGHT. I MUST
THINK. I MUST FIND IT

IN MY HEAD, FOR IF I FIND IT IN MY HEAD, I FIND IT IN LIFE.
 IF I CANNOT SEE IT, OR HAVE A CHOICE, A RATIONAL
CHOICE, IN MY MIND, I

CANNOT HAVE ONE IN LIFE. I know I who I love. I know why.
I love the best.

THIS IS THE PATH THAT LEADS TO ME. I AM THE MEANS AND
 I AM THE END. tHE NATURAL COURSE IS ONE OF HAPPINESS
 AND PERFECTION. HAVING IT ALL, ALWAYS, THAT IS WHERE
 I LEADS ME TO. I WILL BE FAITHFUL. I WILL KNOW AND
I WILL KNOW WHERE TO GO.


Allot OF PEOPLE TALK ABOUT FINE ART, IMPORTANT THINGS IN HISTORY,
MOMENTS IN TIME, THE BEST SUIT MAKER, FOREIGN COUNTRIES. BUT THE
TRUTH IS, NOTHING IS MORE FINER OR IMPORTANT THAN " I" OR me. I
 AM MUCH MORE VALUABLE TO MYSELF THAN  STUFFY NAMES OR PLACES.
NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN I AM.

i DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT FRANCE AND WHERE YOU GOT YOUR TIE.
I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOU AND YOUR WORTH.

Alot of that other stuff is rumor, and yes, there is good quality stuff,
but its not more important than you.


/

MBH took the most gorgeous photographs of the neighborhood. They are so beautiful.
I have my faves. I do.
 
I do not want to post my faves here, because they are that special to me.

Here is just one.
No, I can't post that, I like it too much.

ALl the ones I like I do not want to post.
 
Here is a neutral one. I like the blue cast. I do.
 Coral Gables in winter.


His photographs have such a feeling.


I want to keep them private. They are so important to me.

/


FOR lunch today 4 starfruit and Strawberries, a purple organic red delicious.
I have lots of strawberries, 2 for 5 dollars. Conventional.


February 20th

Last night I had a nightmare. Somehow I had murdered
someone but that is unclear how or over what.
 I remember trying to convince
 my mom brother and sister not to turn me in,
"No, Mom, You don't understand, they
will feed me JAIL food!" I hated the nightmare
and it lasted
 all night.

I am so happy in my new place, I do not want anything to
ruin it. Its in my mind I have to do the right thing, when I
 think of options and decisions ahead of time.
 I do not want to invite anybody
 there that isn't special to me. It's like an
 escape from the world.

I am thinking of water fasting again. To get rid of scar tissue
 and avoid surgery. Maybe do enzyme therapy. I just want to
get rid of this scar tissue I have. Fast.

Last night all I had was strawberries. My Egg fruits are
ripening. If I buy hard fruit at the Farmer's Market they
 ripen by Wednesday. I like canistel. I also want to try chocolate sapotes.

This morning I woke up late and slept in. There was hispanic
radio blaring outside. I was listening to Interpol in the shower
and singing along.

All I do is my hair and shave. Blew dry with gel and curled.
 Then eyelashes, eyeshadow, concealer, lip liner and hemp
 balm. Violet contacts, dress, crest blazer and high heels. 
I put air in my bike and rode a few blocks to work towards
Alhambra. I saw coconuts on every tree on the street I rode on.

I may waterfast today and start it today again. I just don't
want to go to surgery.
I am pretty sure I almost had it when I did the ten day water fast.
I have to hide fasting,  from people this time. Brush my tongue alot.
 I hope I somehow
don't wind up absorbing and eating toothpaste.

On my computer desktop I have red cherries all shiny.


/


I am ordering from Robert is Here. Robertishere.com or something similar, I
 had no idea, but they deliver to your door. They do not

have the option on the website up, but you can call them and ask them to
mail or deliver stuff.

Same with Glasers farms, but Tracy might poison my sapotes.

 I would love a gallon of sugarcane juiced. Can you fast on that? I wonder,
life must be really good on that stuff. I am never giving up on that stuff.

At the farmer's market this guy Saul told me he sells it, sugarcane to Stan
Glaser from  his farm. I think he got his farm for
$ 10,000.00 after a hurricane, and now its worth millions..he has a website
 with fruit pictures called naturesacres.com or something like that where
young people from all over the world work and live for free on his land. He is
 having a raw vegan party March 2nd. He invited me and my mom.

But no, I have to waterfast. At least let me try to heal myself naturally first.
I have already healed, but I do not like the scar tissue. I want it to go now.
I might try Vitalzym
with water fasting. Fibrolynteic enzymes. I cant spell it. they eat fibrin,
 scars stuff like that.


This is a great article
GREAT ARTICLE

//

I do not know what I feel. Uncomfort. Yet I face it rather than fight it.
I am trying to fast today. There are two ripe canistels on my kitchen
counter just dying to be eaten. Maybe I will eat them.

Then Saturday will come and all these great tropical fruit will be there
, just like the chocolate Sapotes were last week that I missed because
 I was fasting.

I weighed myself 106lbs.

I am not doing this for fun, but to get rid of scar tissue. I hate explaining
 myself. I was going to go to Costa Rica for surgery, but I do not think
it is happening. It's Wednesday and I still do not have a ticket. I have
to cancel my appointment. I know why I have  the scar tissue. I had
dental work while I was healing from something else and I was
reading a doctor says this scar tissue grows while dental work is
 done around the same time. He recommends msm.


It's the lunar eclipse. I could not see it.

I am wearing a thin white low cut white dress made out of this
thin linen with embroidery and little beads.
My hippie friend called me, wants to sleep over Friday. I am not
sure I want anyone over here that is not super special to me.
 Real friends. Real important to me.
I like my world.

After work I come here and want to think so bad, but I lie in bed
 an play ATLAS SHRUGGED and just nap while I listen to Francisco and Dagny.

When I am bored I go to fruitarian boards like iheartfruit.com and
 answer everyone's posts and then maybe go to living and raw
foods bulletin board and give people common sense. Mango asked
to interview me, I said sure. I read Kveta's blog every now and
then even though she does not capitalize. I do not know what DL
 is and all these measurement conversions she writes about. 
I look at Perezhilton.com and see what all the nasty celebrities
 are doing, Harry Potter and Hermione hooking up at some pub.

I feel clean. I have on a cherry ring. I lie in bed and squeeze myself,
I try to read. Today I tried to learn how to do cartoons on Illustrator.
 Very complicated. you can't just draw lines. And if you draw another
 line the first one disappears. Strange. Hard to figure out. I try to figure
out my life.

I have my life, I love my life, but all that I love that I lack, I feel the
pain from, and I feel it. It is good I miss things and want things, because
 I create a definite idea of what I want. It's not out there, but in my brain.

All things are in my brain. Everything to be gotten is to be gotten in my
 head first. What is it I want? Do I want to make money? What for?
I want money to ...have everything I want myself and noone helping
me. I want money so I can give myself driving lessons, dentists,
doctors, clothes, car, etc.. and eventually
I want to fix my credit.

What is my purpose? To eat fruit? It has to be bigger than that.
 I want my purpose to be something that I love doing, that is
important. Something valuable.

I crave raw durian. AM I ever going to have a fresh one? Is it
something I may never experience? I want it. I want giant
jakfruit. I want 10 lbs of lychees. I want longans. Orange juice.
I want dates off trees.

I want to be a photographer, I am. But maybe I want to be known for it. I
 am still waiting for my card reader.
I love photos. But what do I want to express? Beauty, fruit,
paradise, life on earth in Coral Gables?



20th

I wish I could post photos but my card reader has not come yet.

This morning I brought my canistels to work to give away. Noone
will appreciate them. I trying to waterfast again, yet I know that I
wont for long, yet I know I have to. I canceled all appts. this weekend
in Costa Rica so I am on my own with this. I waterfasted yesterday
except for a few strawberries in the AM. It was, uneventful. uncolorful.
 As usual. Fasting is no fun, tiresome.

I like when I feel tingles up and down my back, like currents. I read
that one is supposed to fast until the breath smells nice and mouth tastes
good again. Then one is clean. I also read all the fasting cures of the 1880's.
 It was a movement. I didn't really FEEL clean until I was finished with the
fast last time, then I felt, so good and clean. During the fast I feel yecchy.
My spit is hot and tastes like acid.
 Hours went by with nothing to look forward to but sleep and more water.
Then I would drink hot and cold water mixed and it would make me nauseous
but give me energy I need.

I slept well. Not much to write about. I took a shower, came to work.
Not very eventful. I felt alot of stuff. Hard, intense feelings, I just caved
into myself. Maybe its digestion or lack of.

I wore a white dress and black sweater. I feel my life's needs through
different eyes. Desires are not always good, some are intense cravings.
 I do not want to escape from myself anymore but stay here. I want to be
 responsible for it all. I want to work hard. I want to write again. Pick up
my outlines and start where I left off.

I have these paths in my mind I create, and some I no longer venture to
 travel into. I know the path I want the most is the path that leads to me.
I want to follow myself and where I direct myself.

I have laundry I have to do. I might go to a vegan potluck this weekend
and hope there is fruit like there usually is. From people's yards all cut up.
 Or I might just stay in and lie in bed. I might listen to audio books. I
definitely want to lay out in the sun. We have sunbathing chairs next to
 our pool. I do not want to go to the Glaser market but I might have someone
get me a box of Tim's tangelo's, last of season. 50 cents each.
I do not think I want to see my mom really, unless I pay her back for helping
me move and she gets me some fruit. Helps me move giant tangelos to my
place. I love tangelos. They are so awesome and I have been craving one big
 one all week.

 Not much to discuss about work. I have stuff to do, and I do it. I learned a
dealing mechanism. When my boss comes with an emergency, I need to
blank out just a little bit to keep my mind from going into overdrive, I blink
at him and listen to what he has to say, or it appears I am listening, you see,
my mind is really powerful and can drain me if I try to make sense of chaos.
Processing chaos is never fun with him, because all is terrible and it's always
 someone's fault.. his hysteria is contagious. I like to do my work calmly. I love
 it when he says things like, " I want you to be in charge of every single file,
I want dates, I want to know if they responded, I want to know if and why we
should start a suit, I want to know the status of each file.."..ahahahaa that is
funny. There are hundreds and hundreds of files and I have 3 other jobs to do
for two bosses, that even if I worked 24-7 still would not be done. I say yes
sure. I try to make lists and write on calendars, things that are pending, have
deadlines, etc.. but it's such a big job.

I can do it, not like that though. The other boss is nice to me, although him
and the scheduler scream at each other. He sounds like an asshole and the
scheduler whines and cries like a doormat. I hear him tell her to order a
Chicken Chop from Chick N Grill and then I hear her talk about depos and
he never wants to discuss anything and he says things like, " I will be RAGING
mad, if I cannot find these files.." I hear papers going through hands and
keyboard noises. I hear my boss on the phones trying to settle cases. He
 always acts like it is not him who is settling but the client, and his wishes
 don't matter, its true but that is supposed to be a secret...when I think it
would be more professional if he spoke as a representative, rather than
a middle man, who doesn't care one way or another. I think he should
sound as if this is the asking price, and that is that!

My coworker wears nice mall dresses. She drives a big giant car. She is
always stressed out. The file clerk is a little wallflower who goes to school
 to be an actress. She wants to marry her boyfriend and have kids.
She posts a photo of him up on her wall and so does the other girl.

The Paralegal showed me on myspace, her ex and how cute he is, and
 how she can sleep with him anytime she wants, and she showed me the
 page of the bitch who fucked him on her bed and how they broke up and
now she is with his friend and its been 8 years and he has kids with the
other girl, but she knows he still wants her and then she showed me
myspace emails
 from the girl saying her man, is a grown man and she don't care what he
does, so stay out of her life, she don't need drama and she will read word
 for word their aggressive emails. Yes. With house music in the background.

I listen to her talk on the phone to her friends and she laughs
and laughs. She
has three sisters and
she showed me all their pages on Myspace, she calls them
 hoes and the photos
 are all kind of slutty.

The File clerk is on a fruit fast for half a day somedays, after me.
I see her eating cereal she keeps
 in her drawer with milk from the fridge. I walked with her the other day to
ONEBURGER, this place where they sell burgers and Japanese toys. She got a
 ONE CAESAR
and there is barely any salad in it, but cheese, croûtons, sauce,
sundried tomatoes
chicken etc.. She brings in tupperware full of watermelon and then
gives it away.

The other girls eat the same old, tupperware sliced grilled chicken, meat,
 salad with dressing,  Sometimes big chicken wings. Buns and potpies.
I saw a can of beef ravioli yesterday. Potatoes, rice and beans.
They down the soda
and it
has to be replaced. There are chocolates on all their desks.  I have
 some in my desk
 too,
from valentine's day presents.
In the morning its all espresso. We have a machine and everybody
drinks it.
Makes them able to work.

There is an attorney who is friends with my boss I hear them in
the kitchen talking about famous wars and  the Gettysburg address.
Fat wives with big noses
come in and my boss gives them the tour. I nod my head. We have a courier
who has eyebrows drawn on who loses our plastic bins.

I look for weekend jobs lately, Golf course receptionist, funeral body deliverer.
 Delivering human remains.
I could do that. If I drove I would do that. On weekends, pick up human parts, lol

CLients come in looking for checks, I put them in the conference room and help
 the girl look for the checks and hope my boss wrote them. Have them sign stuff
listen to them talk about more cases for me. We have a smaller conference room,
sometimes I go in there and there are huge aluminum foil pans filled with rice
beans, salads and bottles of Coke and Pepsi. There is mashed yuca sometimes
cooked in beef shortening.

I love the photography up on the walls, in the waiting room there are
 blown up large photos
of the everglades with details and you can see the mangroves and the
 frames must be a fortune.
There are surreal ones by the mail room, and they look so cool. Cut and paste
photoshop and then framed, alligators coming out of mansions
 and trees growing out of desks.

The scheduler has a bulltein board and on it she sticks menus of French restaurants
in the area. She orders deliveries and gets Baguettes. French dont know
anything about health. I miss the raw food restraurant in Paris. It was so cool.


Look what I got from ROBERTISHERE.COM

"Hello there, Yes you can order from us directly, our
website is not completly finished yet.  What would you
like to order.  Currently we have Black Sapote, Mamey
Sapote, Canestel, Sapodillas, Guava, and our wonderful
citrus!  Just let me know what you are interested in
ordering!
Looking forward to seeing your order!
Heather Moehling
Robert Is Here, Inc.
305-246-1592"

Yeah!!

I am going to order a whole bunch of stuff!! Chocolate Sapotes,             
 mameys, sapodillas and some guavas..canistel I can get in
Coral Gables Market. I will wait until Saturday to order so I
do not get doubles of anything. It would be cheaper to pick up
I think, maybe but who is gonna drive me to Homestead once a
week. I want a box of tangelos and a half box of sapodillas. mmm


I had two canistels for lunch. They were so heavy.
 Canistels really need to be even more ripe than
 they were, otherwise they taste starchy and leave
film in mouth. It is one of those fruit. like Mamey, that
 you have to wait until absolutely really overripe looking
, then, it is sooo sweet.

Worked hard all day on files. Files files files. This week
 has been heaven, my boss is so kind to me. All the girls
 were streesed out today, the scheduler kept moaning
how there is never the end of work, and she joked she
was going to hang herself outside this building. We all
laughed. She said they should make a song, " There is
something wrong with Time Matters" because we are
always saying it, we laughed. Then the other lawyer
comes in and she calls him, " Yes, Mother!" its so funny.

I have a new work email. How exciting. I made the
computer guy give me a password noone can open
it with. Yay.
I went to the post office for lunch to get Return Receipts.
I see the postal people every day. One guy with a mustache
always sings dramatically to the radio, I hear him every time,
 he gets so into Chicago and classics and has this 50's movie
star voice.

There is a massage place next door. There is always incense
and yoga classes there. I pass by and smell it and see
women signing up. To add some spice
to their life. The scheduler goes to Curves and does aerobics.


/

I cant believe I am listening to the
Smiths. I just can't there is so much
 to listen to and Meat is Murder is
 such a great timeless album. My place is clean,
I just need to dust the tiles. The pool was cleaned
 I noticed today. I foun out where the garbage bin is.

At work I ate the two canistels. I wish I would have
 let them ripen even more, there were some sweet bits.
That is all I had today. I could have eaten more. Cherries,
 lots of them, I love my pitter, cherries eaten without pits
 tastes sweeter. I saved my canistel seeds. For friends to grow.

I love my new place. I do, I want to make 100% the best
 choices, maybe I do already, I have to stop thinking I am
 on trial all the time. Maybe I am good, finally, I test it by
personal happiness, yes I could be happy without anybody,
I can love myself and love myself I shall. I just need mirrors
of greatness. Skin atop of skin glowing and firey from admiration.
 I want it all, all that is good, I want to serve like Dagny served
Frisco during their young adult years.

 " Why don't you just shine his shoes, while you are at it, Dagny?",

 " Because, he hasn't asked me to."

Serve greatness and beauty, and everything amazing, the
highest I can be.

Everybody needs to read Atlas Shrugged. Skip the
Fountainhead, go for the gold. The concepts may be way over
 your head, but its a great story. I am everything.

I usually take a hot bath when I come home, boiling hot and then
I warm up and leave, tiptoeing around my floors dripping and with
 a towel , and then I put on a night gown type dress and hang out
 with out anything else. I curl on my couch, away towards the wall
 and nap, or I watch tv, the news.

Tonight is LOST and Lipstick Jungle. Celebrity apprentice.
I want to see them all but they are all on at the same time..
I do want to see all ELI STONE too, a lawyer who fights
battles, through visions. .hhmm.
Yet to be proven a thing exists. To me its just unconscious
vomit, ( not pejoratively) visions are.

I have decided I am never going to relegate any work around
 the office. I will do it all myself. I like it that way. I like leaving
 people alone. My coworkers and I get along so great. I am good
 again. When I fist started it was hell, hell, thank god bitch is
gone and also, Myspace girl.

I miss our old offices. I used to get 4-6 orange juices squeezed
 a day and now I work by Jamba " two juices" and I never get
any. Maybe I am burned out, on those oranges, no, I have had
better, juicy ripe RED ORANGE they are so ripe sweet oranges
 from yards, not from some conventional kind that tastes like water.

I love fruit so much. If people knew with my experience.
Oh, hell it was, to finally find something that absolutely
works. For everything. It's just like this peace, this calm,
 this self awareness and beauty. Mono eating. I eat thoughts
 and thoughts are fruit and I feel full, even when not eating,
although I think fasting ten days cured me of strange bad cravings.

I don't even care that people kill cows anymore.
I could care less about cows. I care about me,
 and all that is good for me.

What is heaven to me, writing, I love writing, I cant
say thinking is a big thing of mine, but I am learning
to really put my mind out there. There are things I feel
resistance too, I am scared of the outside world sometimes,
not because of its wonder, but because of its ugliness. If I
needed money I would have it, but I have just enough to live
 comfortably. So many things
 require me to BUY. When I think
about it, I need very little, food,
cleanliness, adoration and to adore,
and self esteem. Exercise maybe,
 work, planning, etc.. I take
things steps at a time.

I read an article today called how
not to be annoying. It was
interesting. Funny. I guess as
long as you do not bother anyone
 you are ok, but once you do, or
 make others uncomfortable,
you step into madness, mental illness.

I long to be on a beach, sleeping,
the sun setting and me in warm
arms I cannot see who because
 the sun is in my face.

I want to be beautiful and thin and wearing a white slip
with long black
 hair in a wooden floor tall ceiling apartment and there is
 snow
outside and books in shelves.

I want to open another door and there is a beautiful sculpture garden.
With birds, trees and manicured bushes.

I want to ride horses, and earn and save up for this.

 

I drew a picture


I was learning how to draw on photoshop. My drawing looks basic
It is Very complicated, not as hard as
 illustrator.
 
I am watching LOST
So good. Finally, last week was boring. I saw American Idol. Paula Abdul
had a new
video with
the other guy as a bass player.
 
I got some sugarcane juice, too much of it. LOL. I went to Winn Dixie, a
 ghetto supermarket, it's so ghetto the roses they sell are dipped in GLITTER.

Thursday night is the only TV night I like.  Tonight I am going to take a hot
 bath in the dark, isten to music and then go to sleep.
Tomorrow I get paid, yeah!  Happy.


Eli Stone, the actor, is actually Angelina Jolie's first husband. She is pretty,
I like her. I will love her as Dagny Taggart. I can't wait.


2/22/2007
http://i208.photobucket.com/albums/bb51/fruitbatanne/P2220318.jpg

Look at that photo of Cappi eating Durian. Only fruit eating child.
Thats no big deal, he drinks mom's milk too.

Anyways last night I had too much sugarcane juice. Knocked
 me out this morning, too much is too much sugar. I knew it too but my

mom convinced me to buy the big jug. I said, "No, " she said,
" what about for later? " and I knew it yet acted against my thoughts

because she said I might want it later. I trusted the unknown,
when I do know it was too much for me.

I was still on time for work, this morning. I live so close, but usually
I get up super early. I listened to the Smiths in the

Shower, such happy sounding songs about suicide, and cutting names,
in arms, with fountain pens ("that means, you really love me").

I laugh every time I hear it. My goodness. But its nostalgia..The music
is really good though. Johnny Marr is great musician and

Morrisey just such a dramatic singer. I wore the same dress I wore
 yesterday with a blazer over it for work. Loose and comfy. I

have my airplane blanket at work for my legs. I feel clean.
I put on dark eyeliner, black around my eyes. I put on urban decay

cream powder on brow bone and maroon lipliner in cupid's bow
shape.

Now that I am not blonde anymore, I wonder, being blonde made
 me look better, but brunette is my natural hair color, and I want to

go natural, well, as far as my hair is concerned. I think it will work.
When it is all grown out it will look pretty. I do need a

tan too. My skin is white. White looks bad I think. Pastey,
 unhealthy looking.

At work I brought some stickers to share with coworkers./
 Little sharks, turtles and starfish.
I did not go shopping last night. I can go without eating all day.

I need something to do when I get home. I am learning how to
 draw on photoshop, but I want to learn how to make little cute

cartoons. I think that will be fun. Also, I need to start with my
 novel again. Who knows what new twists I have in my head, who

knows where it goes. My mind and what is sees, what is
processes and right and wrong and what contradictions I have
 I need to face

a reassess my judgements.

I only had two canistels yesterday, how heavy were those!
 Next time let them ripen until rotten looking. That is the only
way they

taste really good. I saved the seeds. They stained my dress
yellow in spots. I used to throw away tons of clothes from when I was

chopping open coconuts myself. That stains.

So the seacrh for perfection, once again. What is perfect?
 Perfect to me? I have to make a list one day. I do not have
 time now I

have to go.

 I keep a bottle of vanilla oil next to me at work so I am always
 putting it on me, like in my scalp or on my wrists. I like vanilla.
 I used to have a coconut oil that smelled so good, but now with
 my new scent, none of the coocnut oils smell as good as they
did when I couldn't smell well. Doesnt make sense I know.

I have Pear Glace from Victoria's secret. That used to smell like
 pear. Now it doesn't, smells like some pear glace spray. And
only that. My coworkers come to me and squirt it on themselves
 and they play and pretend that they are squirting it in their
crotch and we laugh.

It is going to be warm today, so I will probably lay out in the
sun somewhere in a park or something at lunch. Go to the post
office again and look for my mail, my card reader and stuff.
I like having a PO box. I do not like standing in line though.

I used to find raw food recipes with vanilla oil added.
 Like in a smoothie.I could not do that ever again. It's not
 food. Maybe oil is to some. but it is not to me. That is gross.
 Now Vanilla bean is cool. I would so love a vanilla orchid hanging,
 living off air and giving me vanilla to smell.
/

The thought that moves me when I think, when I
walk around, is,
 "I want to be better than everyone else". I do. Who
 knows if it is
something in me, in my parents or in my childhood at
school, but I
know that this is a definite need. I want to work
towards being better
than everyone else, no matter where I am. I  want
to be better than
everybody and I think I will make this an effort and
 a plan.
I want more and I want to have more and there is
never
enough. Ok, SO how do I start? LOL

What is wrong with that, wanting better? Its what
I want.
I want to have better than everybody and I will
slowly
work on that. Ok so do I start at work? I guess so,
 by working
 harder. By doing more. By desiring everything.

I can tell from a person's face and how they carry
themselves,
 hairstyle, etc, how dissolute they are. Or successful.
I wonder
if others can? I don't mean money, any moron
can have a lot of
 money, I mean, personal success, self esteem,
happiness,
satisfaction and joy of living.

23rd 2 am

I feel so good. I just feel so good. I feel
that feeling of, I don't know, like I feel
like a woman, like I am perfect. That
feeling of having it all, I had it all.
I feel, so fulfilled inside. So full of
 IT, whatever that priceless thing is.

MBH came over, topless, gorgeous man.
It is hot out, in Miami. He walked in with
 his big muscles and his beautiful face
 with a five O'clock shadow, body
tanned, His full head of thick hair
 with a little cowlick. He is such
top qulaity human being. I
 mean he really is human nobility,
like a good horse, a string of good
breeding.
He brought a box of sapodillas he
picked himself. They are all hard.
I have to wait until they get ripe.
 One must pick them hard and let ripen.

 I was so happy, but hungry. We
watched tv in silence, he felt sick,
I made him a green juice, he likes
those. Yuk. I tried to drink one. I
felt gross. Kale head, 4 pickling
cucumbers and an apple.

We then took off, and splurged at
Winn Dixie, the poor people super
market, but the fruit has definitely
  strong strains. We got horned
melon and ate it over the sink,
we got another weird kind of fruit,
 was weird with blue stripes. Watery
 but not sweet. Strange melon and ate
 it over the sink and oranges, cantaloupe
 and I really piggied out. I was so
 hungry all day. I didn't eat nothing
and did not have any water all day so
my mouth was pasty. My breath like yukky.

Its so beautiful, it's so amazing. I
think my brain stops functioning
and goes into ecstasy phase when
he comes over. All I can think about
it taking it all in, his beauty, energy.
I want to honor the greatest when I
see him.  I want more of it, and I want
 to possess the spirit, the flesh. Nothing
 feels as good as that. Nothing feels as
good, as THAT. It's like my whole life is
 to find and get that. Whatever that is, I
 have to have it. I am happy if I succeed,
 miserable if I fail, and only one person
does that to me. Everyone else falls short
of substitution. People are just empty
shadows next to him, the real thing. The
realest man alive. The one who lives,
truly lives the hardest.

I discovered a new classical radio
station, contemporary. Miami does
not have a classical station so it was
 a surprise.

I took mouthwash, I bathed, I dressed
 up, I ate oranges and horned melon. I
think that is what it is called. I ate it like
an orange with slimy seeds.
I lit a candle. I watched TV lots of it. Bad
tv. talk shows and stuff. It really sucks
that I do not have cable. But then again
 I might be up all night watching Tila
Tequila or Flavr Flav and then what?

On my couch in my clean place, I felt
 so good. To have a clean place is so
nice. I should always clean so I wake
 up to clean. I shine the floors. My
blankets are all smelly nicey. My big
pillows.

I am an animal and I am human. I
have a brain and I have a body. A
very thin body right now. My stomach
is flat, and my legs look long. I feel
feminine, even in my blindness, I feel
 protected. I am woman. I thought
today, what if I am the only woman
 in the world to me, I am what a woman
 is supposed to be? I am that. I do not
give myself credit. I am beautiful and
everything I admire I have inside me.

There is something like power and the
end in MBH the end of the chain, the
end of the road, my destination.

Just like Dagny would shine Frisco's
shoes if he asked so would I. Because
he represents the greatest. He is. Nothing
comes close to what he is. A magnet for
the most special things in my life.

My god, I have a box of sapodillas.
YAYAYAY.

I also got a pineapple but its not ripe
 yet.

At work today I ordered Enzymes for
 my scar tissue, I will try it for a month.
Mango interviewed me for his, " Interview
 with a fruitarian" section of his blog. He
knows all the European fruits. Here I am
 talking about how I love to think and

I would love to sell ebooks. Fred
Patenaude has this course how
to sell ebooks and make a living. 
He does things like smoothie
 recipes and raw food stuff and\
 lives anywhere he wants and works
whenever. Good idea. Selling ideas.
I would have to come up with great
ideas, smoothie recipes that is easy stuff.

I can tell MBH everything. It helps me
, because sometimes being embarrassed
 about something is a big wake up call
that something is not right here. Although
 I would rather impress him, I can impress
 him by telling the truth instead of impressing
 him by hiding. I know right from wrong,
 That is a huge step. Next is doing it always. 
I am going to end up on the path that ends
with me, and where would that go? I know
where it is and what it looks like. I see such
greatness, and by far, is it earned. All of it is
 earned by me, and nothing comes easy. It
takes real work and if it was everybody would
 have perfection. Its what I seek. Perfection
for me.

I wish I had my card reader so I can post
 photos of my sapodillas.

I want to be heroic. But to myself, not to
others, I want to look at myself as a hero.
 Not fooling others. I want to fool me, no I
want to prove that I am to myself a hero to
 my life. I want to get everything and have
everything. I want noone else to get it for
\me. I want to be the prize, and I want to
be my greatest benefactress.

I am at a stage where I feel I have given
 myself the best, and I have just started!
When I learn to accept only the best, from
 the best decision, rationally, not just based
on emotion, I make good choices that
really benefit me.

I am content eating mono fruit. I am, it's
 like so great to finally be able to do
this stupid diet I have worked on since
 2005, and be successful. be satisfied,
 Have everything go well in my food ideas..

I actually am happy. I know this will wear
off, and will it? How do I know.

I am going to lie in my bed, hair all over
 my pillow and legs wrapped up in comforter.

I feel like a real woman. It is the greatest
 feeling of competence. I earned it.
I deserved it. I got it. It's in me.




24
I am so mad, I bought a card reader
 and it is no good. It's too small,
and I went all the way to Brandsmart.

I am mad too because my brother
made me angry too, and it takes a long
time for me to get back to my happiness
and no guilt, no regret.

I bought alot of fruit. Chocolate
sapotes, starfruits, lots of tangelos,
 lots of star apples. I got frozen
durian too at the Chinese market.
 That was bad too.

I took a lot of photos of weird food.
Beef blood bucket. I saw. How morbid.

 I ate alot of fruit, I have way too
much fruit, and I cannot eat it all,
but I feel bad its going to waste.
I have a ton of fruit. Boxes. Overeating,
 makes me feel bad, so I will take it easy.

I went to an Art festival. It was fun.
I looked at all the photography
 booths to see what options are
available for me and my photos.

I took my mom shopping for work
 clothes at JC Penney, which I don't like,
and I took her to see a movie.
I take care of her, she helped me
move and washes my laundry.
She gave me 4 suits my size for
 work.

We saw Vantage Point and Juno.
 I hated Juno. Its about a dorky
unwed mother who is a nobody
 in the middle of suburbia. Not
  fun to watch.  I was so bored.
What is so important about that?
 Nothing. It's like naturalism, or
"WHAT IS" not " How things should
 be", like I like. Plus I do not like
feeling sympathy. It's not a
compliment to anyone.

Vantage Point was awesome.
What a great mystery. I was
so surprised when I found out
 XXX, was the terrorist. I was
sad after that. I love watching
 him on tv every week on LOST.
He is a hero to me, not a bad guy!!
I loved the acting in that movie.

There will be blood is still my all time
favorite. Oh It will win Best Picture.

My brother started nagging me about
 Jesus and God, just because his new
girlfriend is a ministers daughter. He
 complains her dad is a religious freak,
then he turns around and does that
 same nutty stuff. Trying to push
religion on people, who know better.
 All religious people have something
wrong with them..
 
He got mad cause I was
watching"promiscous women"
on tv, ( the E channel) 
when his "alternative" was a
DVD called The hills have eyes
 or something, a murderous,
gorey bloodbath. What a weirdo!

 He would not shut up or leave me
alone and made judgements about
my life, and I threw them right back
at him. I don't like to hurt people, but
he needs someone to tell him, that he
 is a hypocrite when he talks like
that to me.

He said, threateningly, how we will
 know the truth when we die, ok, I
laughed, good luck knowing anything,
 when you are dead, Bro. Leave me
alone, and don't waste your time with
 that garbage on me.

My brother in my opinion, is bad.
 Right now I need to stay away
from him like a contagious plague.
 I need to run as far away from those
anti life and anti human ideas. Don't
ever ask me, to dumb down. I do not
 even want to consider it.

 I love the line "God is a superstition!"
.. What movie was that from?

I watched alot of TV . That movie
Thirteen was really shocking. I
watched Hugh Hefner's girlfriends
special on E. What pretty girls.

I saw SNL. I just can't get into it like
 I used to, my mind is different. that
show used to make me laugh so much.
Now it's bizarre humor, odd and the
guy who plays the President does not
even look like him.

I LISTENED to Dr. Wong's CD about enzymes.

I hate watching Hillary and Barack
on tv, So depressing. Such mentally
 low people feeding on the MOB.
Just feeding it...feeding it nothing.
The ideas they speak about are
so rotten. Shady. Inspiring
 dependance, not independance.
We can take care of ourselves,
thank you.

Do you see the mood I am in?
 Moody? yes. blame my brother
for that. It's amazing how any
topic I talk about is tinged with
 sarcasm or annoyance. It all started
with him not leaving me alone when
was at my mom's.

Yes folks, there are some people,
who are really really BAD. If you
consider yourself good, stay away
from those who prove to be evil.
Protect yourself. Trust your instincts
about people. Know for sure things
 that you can prove..

 25th

I ate too much fruit this weekend. My tummy did not feel good
 and I woke up all hot and just bloated. It was awful. I coul not
 get up in the morning easily. I started sneezing alot too. I still
feel hot in my stomach. I mixed all sorts of fruit with Durian,
bananas, citrus.

I watched the Oscars last night. It was very nice and funny.
 It turns out I saw Old Country for no men. I could not r
emember where I saw it or with who. Is that weird? So
I thought about it all night and remember it vaguely. Why
do I have it blocked out? Serial murderer movies are not
my fave. I do not think I liked it too much. Maybe I walked
 out who knows.

I am wearing a cute suit my mom gave me today. I packed
 a lunch of Tangelos, a papaya and those tiny bananas
from Paradise farms. Last night I had sugarcane juice
along with everything else. I did feel a little fermenty.
Plus I got in argument with my brother so all together
 I did not have my usual beautiful day yesterday. I do not
 plan on seeing him again. He scares me.

At work, I still cannot generate anything because now
 my word that is installed is a version I cant use. I have
 to wait to the computer guy comes in. Meanwhile I have
 to keep a happy head on in case the scheduler freaks out
 again. I have to do my best to help her and not ignore her,
that makes her angrier. She takes every tiny thing so personally
 and won't shut up about how she is going to an early grave and
then she goes on about her nerve problems and how the boyfriend
 wants to move to Cape Cod. She is the type that would say,
" WHen it rains, it pours!"

Please let this black cloud pass. I want to feel happy
 and free and see the world as a fun challenge. I want
to feel beautiful. I want my digestion to be right. I want
 to be around people that inspire me and give me good vibes.

I ate a ton of star fruit last night. Very good fruit when its
orange and ripe. I love waking up in my new bed. I will have to
go to Kinko's to download photos on a cd.


tangelo
orange juice
star apple
baby bananas

I am just not hungry. It feels like I have lost all my appetite
on mono eating. I eat when I must.
it funny, I know I am not hungry because I don't want food
 of any sort.
I long for a hot bath. There is always this thing I must do
 at all times. It is not one particular thing, but many.
I have so many hobbies and talents. I can't say my life
is fruitarianism, but its probably the best hobby, writing
about it, drawing, photographing fruit. But what is next,
 what is important? What will fulfill me? What? Is it a
bunch of things or one thing? What is my center? What is
 my ear and who is my voice? Can I give myself orders?
Can I tell myself to do things? Who listens? The nothing
or the speaker? Its so awesome being human. I can direct
 myself anywhere I want, I can tell myself, do this, and I do it.
But I must earn all that I want. I must deserve it.

What will be the best me I have found? And when I find myself,
what next, what do I do with my dream coming true? There is
 more to life, more than our dreams, let's say your dream came
 true, then what? Having money means more stuff to do and I do
 not mean shopping.