Before my hair got blonde again

To eat today

blended tangerine, passion fruit and banana and water
tangerines
made to order guacamole, fresh squeezed OJ with way too much ice, and pico de gallo at the bar with mom
while she got a beer and crab cakes

more fresh orange juice
avocado salad
guarapo, juiced sugarcane



WALMART

It was the most aggravating thing I have ever been in. I never ever want to go back there. I do not get what the big deal is, the prices are the same as in the city stores like CVS or something, its not any cheaper.
I could not move anywhere, the place was packed with the worst of people, all overweight and really unhealthy. If I see another Hannah Montana anything I will scream. I did see some really unhealthy 14 year olds looking like heroin chics. That is for the beauty report.

I watched her get sardines, spam and vienna sausages. I remember her eating a slim jim. This used to be normal to me. It stirs up all these bad feelings in me now.

She got those cheap bags of baby bagels . For like 99 cents. Nothing in the world costs me 99 cents.  That will be her work lunch.  She told me all about  these power bars for her health. How can something packaged be "healthy" I mean, I am not saying it is unhealthy, it just doesn't DO ANYTHING to make you look or feel better, that's all, its juts filler food. There is no life force in it, meaning, its not really food. It just makes you not hungry, that's all. Period. 
 I just smiled. marketing, all of it. Those processed meat products cause cancer no kidding, but I don't say anything anymore about anything to anybody. I am surrounded, cornered. I do not want to be abnormal, its just not even close to normal , I feel, when I see obese people, that they are wrong somehow, not right, they are off somehow.

She bought 10 different kinds of soap, as if face soap was different from dish soap. It's all marketing, same exact thing. Baby oil, somehow is different than medicated oil, to her. Its all the same, Olive oil is healthier for you. I was so aggravated, she did all her shopping and took so long. She couldnt decide which toothbrush to get.  and I had to try to move in a sea of people all in every direction and crying babies and fat fat people . I love her and will do anything for her, but tonight I almost regretted coming out with her. She would get lost and I would get stuck in the cheap jewlery section waiting for her while skinheads with nazi tatooes walk by me. Panicking, and walking over to see if McDonalds had anything ANYTHING I could eat, which it didnt. There was no escape. I had to wait patiently. I looked so hard for beauty.

She took me to this place, to eat, it was nice to be out and with her, we talked about alot of stuff, mostly sex. She is taking a sex and intimacy course at Landmark education, so I get to hear her talk candidly.
 
I was so disgusted and yet at home at the place, cuz its with her, , but it was campy enough I could make fun of the things I saw. Plates of rice and beans and squashed fried bananas, a dish full of pulled pork, and dried out reheated meat. When I get grossed out I start getting into a funny mood, taking photos, as if I was photographing a car wreck, with the same curiosity and disgust of the human body parts. A big sandwich guy was doing his knife skills 
 

by cutting into a smoked ham leg. They had smoked ham legs hanging all over the restaurant


You see that hunk of meat, out in the open, just sitting there while I eat? Its a restaurant. Really.

 
I took photos. I got an florida rich and thick avocado salad and watched her eat plantain soup and a cafe con leche. Every guy was staring at us. She said its cause she was wearing an army shirt on. I don't think so, I laughed. Nobody looked right. They looked really really bad and the waitresses had beehive hairdos. Not right somehow to me.


Bubble tea beads, how did this get in here, it belongs with the asian market set,
 it looks like those sugar cereals.



Everywhere I looked today I saw people eating , everywhere


Eating anything and everything, dangerous stuff, too..none of it looked good to me. I just noticed it today.
Felt a little alienated

I was also very curious

I know its bad, its wrong, its death, to me it is, I see it, it looks scary/



Strange fascination, strange addiction, to your own death.



people eat anything



 Like balding  ogres and legless monsters, slow and the smell of death all over.



everybody looked a little cheap





worn down



degenerated


 

listless, apathetic, on prescription medication..



These little beings



I have alot more weird freakin photos I took today, , but its really depressing. I noticed it today.
I want to be happy.



JAN 10

What is it that we all want as people? Beauty love money fame success
I want that everybody loves me, everybody in the entire world. I want to belong to people. I want to be a star.

Who is my ideal man?
Black hair, strong, confident,successful and genius. Popular, talented, workaholic and true to himself. Tells the truth no matter how hurtful it is. Knows himself, sees himself in the highest imaginings he has. The greatest he can be. The most beautiful and richest in reality is pure gold. That is the proof of a perfect mind.. What makes him different than everybody else, is that he focuses on just that. He imagines big. He can be too good for everybody, but when I see him he gives 100% of his true self to me to see how it is possible to achieve it all. That is all that matters to me, if he can tell me the truth. I am so curious about his life. There is not one detail I miss about anything I see or feel. I want to know everything. The more the better, the worst the closest I am cemented.. That is the only friendship one could have, knowing what cant be told to anyone.

I sometimes want to be the devil, if the devil means to please ourselves. Why be an angel if I can't? Can anyone? Why not be honest about it ? We all do. All of us. Why keep it secret? Why fear making a mistake when it is ok?  I can only have everything and have it all be good for me. I can't have nothing less or I begin to fail as person. I am hard on myself, I push for the highest. In everything..when I say have it all, I mean the bad too. I want it.

back to my ideal man. My ideal relationship to him would be something where I would express myself and my body as fully as possible. The devil and the angel.  I want to be with that person more than anything as a reward for my life.

I want to talk about everything honestly and openly. I want to speak. I want to be everything good and bad to that man.  I want to seek his help in many things and I want to give him what he needs. I also want it to be worth it. I can't throw away my life to exclude everyone else, for nothing, I want value. SOmetimes you can tell the worth of a man by what he gives or does for you.. You can see how successful he is or how you imagined wrong.. how else am I to scale and value my worth, and put myself in perspective from other women? I am competitive. I want more than everyone else has. Whereever I am.


I have to earn this though. I have to be someone worth it. Meaning I have to be it in mind as well as in body. And it all has to be worth it to me. I want it all, I have to know what it is I want. Is it fantasy, or something material>? I want everything. No, I want more that was ever given away before. I have to have that extreme. To aim for that. Why else live for?


I have to be flawless for this. I have to be forgiving of everything. Never a reproach spoken. I say this because any reproach I might give, the man already knows about. So saying anything is wasting my breath.

Fully accepting, fully accepting of the entire world. A star in the world, perfect, flawless. I have to think perfection always.

Instead of inferiority complex I will replace myself with a superiority complex. Try that on. But I can't expect to deserve it if I aint it. I have to be it, and all my time and energy maintaining it. What it is I have to think about.




I am at home and restless. I want to feel. Listening to movies and watching tv by myself is boring. Going out is stupid. Suede gets me in that mood. I want to make people happy. I do.

I want to make the world happy.




11th

Good morning.
 I feel better today. I do.

I had an OJ and walked to work. I weighed in at 115.
I came home and just played on the internet last night.

I feel I wasted my time. Maybe tonight I will do something better.
At work yesterday my coworker was a little cranky. She is blonde. She had a grapefruit for lunch.
Actually who knows what else, she went out as well.
Today is bagels and muffin day at work. SOmetimes I bring some home in case my mom comes over.
I shouldn't. I shouldn't touch that stuff.

It is funny when I walk down the street people always tell me they like my shoes. My shoes are so worn down from walking. I go into Jamba juice and I have a half conscious conversation about random stuff.  I see they have all these new baked goods and oatmeal granolas. I think about things. How I want my life to go one way. I direct it, my thoughts and everything. I always have something in mind that I am doing or follwoing.

Today at work, I hope it goes by easily. I got a lot of work. It is ok, I just tug along. The more work I have the more people leave me alone, so these mountains on my desk are like a fortress.
At lunch I walk by all the businessmen with money to burn. I watch them sit outside and eat steaks and salmon. Women everywhere. In suits and in packs. Mostly at the salad places.

I seen my coworkers eat salads and its all meat cheese croutons hard boiled eggs . The sushi place is ok, I watch skinny girls share giagntic boats with loads of rice wrapped rolls with little eggs and black and green things. There is a hair salon with people sweeping always. Banks, more bars, shoes stores and Starbucks. Everybody sits outside on Miracle Mile kids even, and they drink frappucinos and read newspapers. I see a bagel place next door, always unhealthy people in there. Old, wrinkled, aged, overweight, bland boring looking.

My boss goes to lunch who knows where he goes. but that one day I called in sick and went to hair salon I was sitting in my chair and he walked by and I had to duck, he probably was going to Les Halles.

I want to work out. It is only an hour a day. I spent two hours reading Star Magazine last night on my couch. Why do I like Mary Kate, Posh, Angelina, and Miley Cyrus, Why do I care? I do. I used to like Jordan, now I like Chantelle.