Coconut Mylk, then strain






I got this in the mail from Nadia from Kenya and a collage of my photos.
 Thank YOU Nadia, I appreciate you so much!

Beautiful! Its on my wall


I took a walk on historic Coral Way


next block over




Looks like a fan


Desi Arnaz home his mom lived in






I was going to Milam's Market because my mom wanted to make a watercress
salad. There was a chinese boy with Down Syndrome selling chocolate outside.
 He attacked me. His momma turned the other way too.

He blubbered something about chocolate, I said, no thanks and he asked to hug
 me and grabbed me and squealed, " I AM SO LONELY!!" and drooled all over my
 neck, and it really really scared me, I felt so much pity, and fear of the out of
ordinary. I had to twist his wrist to let me go.

/


My street


Jeb Bush florida residence




I took some photos of my immediate neighborhood



See the coconuts in the tree? I want some!



Saturday

Today is a very somber day where I lay in bed and sleep in, then
 rent movies and just be alone. I am going to see 21 tonight, the
 card counting movie. I know a ton of people who went to M.I.T. I
love smart people and movies about them. I wish I was genius. I
am drinking watermelon juice and last night I had an orange and avocado.

I am making watermelon juice. I am thinking about me. Sometimes
I look in side and feel like I have no talent, like I am cheap, and I feel
this, but so bad I want to change!!! I want so bad to be something
amazing, in this world. There is so much more than feeding a computer
 myself, I want to feed the world, I actually want to feed myself, its not
others I want to love but its me that wants to shine, and shine on until
I get revenge on all others who hurt me, or used me or called me a joke.
I want to pull away and never love anyone except throug the medium of
 me. I want to remain whole, inside myself.

Last night I had sugarcane juice.


I morphed me and Pam Anderson, funny. People are always telling me I look like her, all the time. I do think she is pretty, even now with her mess of a life. Who doesn't have a mess of their life? But we love her.


Me and Holly Madison







Mary kate and me



Kim Kardashian and me


Guess who?



ok I got to stop morphing. This is as addicting as Blingee.com

Me and my idol Katie Price


Me and Kate



 Edie





I am going out now. I wish I could go out and come back someone else, someone I create out of my thoughts, never again to be the same, never to remember who I was. I want to be wonderful. I want to be perfect. I want to be a sex symbol, nothing else. Why fight it? Its me and my life. I try so hard to be a good girl, so hard, but the thought bores me to tears, and noone makes it easy on me. I feel people want me to be the vamp. I feel its me.

I just want to be the me I am naturally. The me, who I am, is whole body and soul, is all my brain, my thoughts, it all molds me , all my blocks, they all manifest in my body and in my appearance. I want to create  an wxplosion so that I am just a shining beam of goodness and natual light, goodness and happiness, joy, love everything good I want to emit and I want to be a sex kitten.




/


I went out and I saw 21. The  movie made me really sad. It was so good, and it was about Boston, and in one scene, the gang is in a diner, the South Street Diner, and I saw the building I used to work in for a short while. I sat in the same booth they sat in, wow, Hollywood is so good.
 
I saw MIT , The bridge to Harvard I used to jog on.

Plus I also saw Las Vegas, which I love to tears. I had such a good time when I was there, and who knows, I can go back any day I want.

I also saw lots and lots of money. Which is what I love more than anything, money, its what everybody wants.

Also the movie showed the thrill of fast easy money, which is amazing. Of course it had a Shawshank Redemption twist to it. 

I love the blonde girl actress even though she is a stick and looks like a child, from all those tabloids where some guy dumped her and she was like 85 lbs and everyone posted her photo saying she was anorexic. It made the world feel for her and here she is in a movie almost naked and its like we know her and her pain so it was really a familiar happy to see she made it and I hope that stupid actor is kicking himself now that she is in one of the best movies out now.

I am going to get mine on the world because I want it, because its not too late and I am very young and still have a HUGE advantage. I want to hold the key to my little world, and I want to be the one who unlocks all the doors so all the bad stuff disappears, and no, actually all the bad stuff in me, is what makes me good, what makes me irresistable and a money making machine. I don't want pennies though, I want much more, I want me. I want to buy me. I want so bad. to slip by anything that may hold me back, its like there is a map in my mind I have to follow, and all I have is emotions to guide me. The right emotions, the highest ones. The path that comes naturally, inside my head.

I underestimate myself, I underestimate my brain. My brain is slippery. I cant hold it down to anything. I change and act on whatever I like, I find that I am me, I shine, and when I am down, I am down and its usually over some guy. What trick has he played on me, that I have let him be more important than I am. I laugh at this. I laugh at my naivete. There is no love, that is all human make up stuff, all that there is is this box we live in and we all try to escape it, albeit through another person, we fantasize is better than us, which does not exist, its all illusion. Its a reflection of the hole in us, that is what love is. That is what love is to me, a joke played on us all, just like people believe in god, people believe in love. All there is is hot sex and escape. Its what we all want. But hot sex for what? What do we attain, something or nothing, words, promises, gifts, money or does sex mean we lose something?
Has anyone considered sex as a loss? Sex can mean loss, it can mean loss of seeing that person, or loss of value in their eyes. Or as a loss meaning you lost the game to a freakin idiot.

What about honesty? If I was honest about everything, all the time, what would I gain but disgust of myself? Is there a reward for telling the truth? Maybe, maybe it is the key to getting it right.

And ok, what if I tell the world the truth always? Temporary failure but is it fuel for future success?

I laugh what I write that. Truth is, Since I was little, I have made fast money easily. Its so easy to make it for me.

I am an animal, a breathing animal with a heart that beats blood through my body. I eat like it was my job on earth, to eat. I have sterile sex, impotent, clean safe sex, and am a sex object, I am a sex siren. It's my job. I have fought it all my life. SEX as is in that is my symbol. Its my natural way of being. I tried to do other things, like focus on brains, but its only beauty and love of myself that make me happy, that make me the real money.

I have always made a lot of money. I have made so much money . In Boston, New York,  San Fran...I cant even admit to the luxury I used to live in , for shame of it.
The dinner parties I threw, the vacations I took, the beaches, following gold,  the shoes I bought, the girls I knew, and the only weakness I have ever had, is trying to be good. Trying to do things right. Thinking others had their life together.
 
I would buy a 400 Betsey johnson dress, rip it, and laugh about it, order bottles of champagne and drink ouzo with gangsters, chinese or italian. I would check out clubs, and then model on a catwalk painted with liquid latex, then go to parties in new FLuevogs, then go to raves, then stay awake for a whole weekend with heiresses, girls so beautiful it hurt, witnessed excess,  I would wake up in expensive bed and breakfasts with eight people on a bed still talking, and then go shopping. I would shop New bury Street and Allston. EVERY FREAKING DAY I SHOPPED.  NON stop. It was like, thats all there was for me to do. Everybody wanted to be my friend, I got invited to parties, got my hair cut for free, got invited to good concerts like Janet jackson, which I blew off, and the girls who wanted me, who fought over me. Its funny I should look at this part of my life and hide it.

I laugh about it now, all that shopping, but yes, I USED TO NOT SLEEP BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE UP WHEN THE STORES OPENED. I would throw piles of money on the floor,  and me and my friend would swim in it and cover ourselves in it. That money is peculiar to Boston, because Beauty is so rare up there, and it is a puritan city, meaning, its value shoots straight up for looks and what you got. You are worth more there than here in Miami.

I ordered the most expensive and insanely rare foods. I knew how to cook, I cooked from recipes in Gourmet and Bon Appetite. My roomate would wake me up and we would go on a BALLOON RIDE, or hey. lets go to canada without passports, that was funny.. She went to Amsterdam and Paris just for fun. My one friend went to Harvard, and her professor was a guy who dressed up  like a woman on his days off. I actually danced with this trans thingy once when she introduced me. Anne was also in a few music videos,  ..My friend got a job working for Playboy doing some kind administrative, Preppy Owners of huge clubs and I would take e and sit on balconies and hug. that was a day of excess, and I tried so hard to be good. I hated myself. I did. No matter how rich we were or how much we made, we still had rats in our living room hidden away, eating our couches.  We used to buy new clothes and sometimes just throw away the dirty. Photographers would photograph my friends for the covers of entertainment/city newspapers and I was in one of them for a whole year, for their backpages, dressed in a tight dress looking beautiful. I was a model for ads in all the newspapers for my friends store. I was interviewed in a radio station show, I paid the owner of DMV to give me an id with no papers. I could do alot of things, and I rejected that life. My girlfrend was a mob girlfriend, another one lived in a pretty expensive floor on beacon Hill. I wanted to look like Gisele. I got manicures every week, my bff's hair cost 1000 every two months. I would get offers, like, to drink tea with someone for 1000 dollars and I never said yes. I had bedsheets of pvc and pillowcases made for me for fun, also I got many $400 Skin Two corsets given to me like it was nothing, for adverstising, and I would give them away to little goth girls. Any fantasy I had, I got. I went to famous places, and danced until 5 am...then I woke up and went shopping. I actually had a dressmaker come to me and show off her sexy clothes and then make them for me herself the ones I picked, I liked tight velvet and loved black. I loved this pink catsuit she made me. 100$ 200$ 300 $ it didnt matter.  It was so hot and had matching underwear. I had many boots. I had a GIGANTIC TOOLBOX filled with Chanel makeup. yes. I did.  Bottles of Jean Paul gautier, No. 5, and ALL other Chanel perfumes I gforget their names, then I went into Guerlain bottles until all gone.

I wanted to be good. I always wanted that.


This gnawing thing in me. I want what I want and I cant get. Then I realize I cant get, because its not me, it has nothing to do with me.  Its not money I want, but money will work as a replacement. Its that thing I want, that thing. Maybe it is money, but money is not the ends..its me I want.

There is beauty. REAL BEAUTY, classic beauty, stone cold and icy, untouchablebeauty, and a different kind of wealth I want. I seen it.

I wish I could go back. Back in time and just thank god that I am there. I would do things differently, if I knew what I knew now.

Look

http://perezhilton.com/2008-04-04-headline-of-the-week-weak-109#more-17230

How come it doesnt look human? I thought morphs are half half. It said it lasted three days, did they kill it? I am sure they did this before and alot, it is just not legal to be public about it or something until its right. Wow that is pretty interesting, pretty cool, will the humans slash manimals have special powers, like sense of smell or something?




This is cool too, I know an attorney who has worked with her proving vaccines are the devil
http://perezhilton.com/2008-04-03-jenny-mccarthy-is-fucking-amazing

/



MONDAY


Josh I have a weird fetish lately. I am not attracted to cute rich single men anymore.

Its funny, I always used to like good looking guys, now that is boring to me, the only thing that turns me on is to see a good looking man with kids and a wife, I get so turned on!

I stare and stare and I realize he is perfect. Its rare to see it in Miami. When I do, my heart stops as I see baby strollers or a big family all dressed up nice and beautiful wife. I get eye contact with him and I wind up bumping into trees or tripping, it takes my breath away. Stills my soul. I feel in a way, that man has it all. I envy that and I do so envy him, and want him. Like I stare and my heart just aches, it hurts looking at that. My heart will stop and my body just stops, as he walks by, I am so in love with that image. That is what I want.

Its like when people write novels they create conflict. That is what that is. I feel something. I feel he is it, that is what is perfection. That brings tears to my eyes, it is so beautiful.

/
I
/I know what I want. I do.

I want to reject death. I looked at death in the face the other day. Its not for me.

I may, just may be a lover of life.

I don't need anyone. In fact, all I did this weekend was lie in bed and listen to Sirius "Easy moving", or the 70's soft rock station. I LOVE 70's SOFT ROCK. I feel, good. I dont even know the songs but they sound familiar to me. Cracklin Rose and oooh woooh songs.


I had a mamey smoothie for breakfast and watermelon juice last night. I had some greens, I was at moms and she made a salad. Mostly I just had oranges.

Tuesday

All I know is that I am just responding to life.

Last night was nice. I got my gas fixed, no more gas smell in my place. It was leaking.


There is a right and wrong in everything, sometimes the right feels like the wrong and then the wrong feels like the right. That is when I know I am in trouble.


Free Jamba Breakfast at Jamba Juice today. I got a free OJ and met the owner, this fat little indian.

I had watermelon juice and now an OJ, a power size. It was hard getting out of bed this morning.
What makes me happy? What makes me feel complete? What gives me peace?

I downloaded the Jordan Workout, aka Katie Price. From England. http://www.katieprice.co.uk/images/kp_dress_02.jpg

http://www.lovefilm.com/lovefilm/images/products/3/51813-medium.jpg

It costs 50 dollars to read her blog.

She is voted Mother of the year in London magazines and everyone's up in arms because her books got prestigious awards and people are freaking out because she is a sex symbol, and that to some people disqualifies her, but the truth is she is one of the richest women in England. She meets with the queen and also makes out with her sister. Has a show on E , a reality show in England, and sings and has all sorts of clothing lingerie lines, women eat up her products and read her books. Has a perfume too.

I talk too much sometimes and I say too much and then I feel I am an open book and people judge me. I can say ok I wont be like that and be secretive or I can just be myself. Nothing to hide. Then I am powerful. Then I am ok with letting people know I can be ugly sometimes. That makes me beautiful. Truth is all that people want to hear and believe.



I had a conversation with someone yesterday and there were so many clues that this person was a nutcase, but I ignored those clues, and maybe I was bored but I kept on talking, and sure enough...when I wouldn't go out with him, I was called horrible things and things I had said, a minute before, were used against me to hurt me. There are people who just reject and are quick to hate. One sees clues up front or any kind of resistance felt within, and it means NO. I was sad and just wanted to talk.


Its almost like I always have a plan a way of being a way of treating a person, or how to handle a job or friends. One must always remember how is one to deal with this part of existence, what is the plan? Over time we forget or have new plans and when we wake up in the morning it is as if we have to remember it. I want a constant plan where I always win with it.

I have a plan now. I have a good plan. I want to have everything I want. I want to be with my dream, to give my dream what it wants.


I missed you and I want to have you so bad. I cannot wait until you come and knock on my door and I open it staring at the best thing on the planet. I will be so happy, I will just stand there and throw myself on the couch laughing.

I will hold on and not let go until I have exhausted you.




Katie's myspace
MYSPACE KATIE