I was so happy today. I was so happy today. I was so happy today

All alone on an island. Agave plants, coconuts, nothing but fun. I was taken there on a boat.


It was called Indian Key and deserted. There was a lookout post and coconuts everywhere. It was all to ourselves. Paradise, survivor Suvine.


Earlier in the day
Had nothing but a bowl of raspberries and three fresh squeezed OJs at this place called Berries in Coconut Grove where I sat in the back looking up at the trees with my bare feet in someones lap.

I went to Farmer's market and had Thai coconut water 3 quarts. I bought three lbs of Lychees

I rode in a car all the way to Key West ecstatic. Went to all the dives where they sell alligator meat.

A place called ALABAMA JACKS. Talked about the Kennedy's and Marilyn Monroe, Arthur Miller, Montgomery Clift. Clark Gable, Marlon Brando...Frank SInatra , Ava Gardner and my lateste obsession Howard Hughes..
I am a fountain of facts now.

My ride to the keys once dated Olivia de Haviland's daughter.

In Martha's Vineyard my bff friend met Howard Hughes face to face in the 70's when he was a trustee at M.I.T. Howard  donated 20 million to the project that reseached
robots.

I took a ton of photos. I saw giant Tarpons, at tyhe docks. Man they were scary and their mouths kept opening up waiting for food people feed them.



giants ones and I put my hand out like I was gonna feed them and one flew out of the water attacking my hands and I screamed, fell over amd almost had a heart attack.



I had fun, laughing










I was so happy. I really am the best and have the funnest life.

I mean, really really really. I have never felt more awesome. I know my value in this world. Finally.
I know my instincts.

 On the boat I was on I saw other boats

Like my hair? I dyed it blonde this morning. and cut some bangs. I got a lot of Mac Makeup too.





Later on I had gazpacho here. It was oooo nice this place, 2 hour wait for table
There were so many people, I forget what Key it was on.
Look its an island!!


Reminds me of that book Wide Sargasso Sea. I saw a typical two story plantation
house turned into a restaurant
I walked outside with my shoes in my hands.
It was somewhere in the Keys.

Romance, genius brilliance, pride, power, money.

I am better













Monday

An actor a few years ago who won Oscars, for this amazing movie, it was political, I can't name any names,
 wants to buy my friend's script, his lawyers are working out a contract. He got him to agree to re write and make changes but only if he signed the contract saying he would star in the movie. I love this actor..

My friend is also writing a screenplay, a comedy, about me and him, long story..a comedy?

He also said the oscar nominated last year girl who was in xxxx is starring in another of his screenplays. Its not just screen writing,
but everything my friend touches, he makes millions. He buys everything and also designs. He is a multi millionaire, but for sure, Next year he will be a gallizionaire. A design one of his many companies designed is being looked at by XXX people. He knows absolutely everybody.

He saw me at Books and Books at a book reading. I used to go everyday and I really stand out I guess. He plays tennis. Wins tournaments. Gets mad if he loses and ims me angry stuff. I turned him on to Lasik. He is seeing another girl besides me. He teases me, tells me I like him. Or that we look like a couple.


I make it very clear, we are a "pretend" couple. He keeps asking me, " Am on your A-list?" "How many others?"

He dumped his fiancee after meeting me. He just sent her an email that while he is visiting Italy to please not visit him. Stay away. She said he has no heart and she wants him to show his next girlfriend heart. I feel very bad, because I know its because I said something to him that made him change his mind. I feel bad. I did say something. Like in Sex and the City. I did it.


I looked in my closet. Alot of books I have that were given to me as gifts, are personally signed from the author to me, and I never knew. A few are bestsellers.


He wants to take me to Ireland.
 
I am 100% sure this guy hired a private detective on me.
Is that funny? He took me to meet his family too one day.

I read on a bag that a best friend is someone who buys you books you have never read.



I want to go two weeks to a retreat and just be alone. I do. I am going to think about it today. It's in Oregon.

I have to Fly out to L.A. for one day for a fundraiser one of my pals from Georgetown, invited me to. A party at two super celebrities house.




Anyways I am doing a juice fast. Starting today Day 1.
Going to Wachovia now.



/

I am still juice fasting. My mom got me two watermelons.

I got my brother an Ed Hardy Tshirt. Cost me $200 . I took him and my nephew out to see the Movie WALL-E.

I made my mom cooked healthy food so she can lose weight.
I hope she can stay a vegetarian this time around.

I got a delivery but I am juice fasting, so I will wait until tomorrow. I probably won't eat. I don't feel like it, very full.

I watched my brother eat Fried pickles and ribs at Cheeseburger Paradise in the Sunset Mall. Watched my baby cousin eat baby hamburgers and his girl eat fish and chips.

Fruit Kebobs with some cashew dipping sauce


Banana pie?


Blueberry pudding/ice cream



Spiralized zucchini and raw tomato sauce.



5$ each tasting. Veggiemunn.com in Miami delivered it, alot more came. But I am too tired to photograph.

I bought the BREVILLE juicer, the best juicer I have ever ever seen in my life.

Martha Stewart uses it here. I was dropping whole zucchinis inside, pressure free, just like that, and it took out ALL the juice.

Watch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kguQEz-Rakw

Clean up was super easy






Not very flattering


Is she raw vegan? I read her fave restaurant is a raw one
and she must have her green juices everyday.
Also heard she had a threesome with Brad and Angelina.




Wednesday

I spent the night at this Attorney from South beach, and only cause he won't stop Iming me. Whether I respond or not. Lonliness made me say ok, pick me up, take me to your house where I will be spoiled. I am a diva in that house.

I like going over to his large house.

I spoke with
the man I really just adore, a multimillionaire who called me, as I arrived, so I excused myself.... I walked outside his house, walking around the blocks with all the trees over me. He lives quiet neighborhood, big lawns, no traffic..I laughed my head off.

So innocent so fun. I laughed. I was complimented, told wonderful things..adored..

I guess this other guys family liked me so much they invited me for fourth of July party.

I slept on the couch, was cranky and tired. No massages, nothing. Leave me alone.

His Great Dane woke me up.

I could not get up in the morning so I stayed, and while he was at work I went into his large backyard and sunbathed nude while his dog thought I was a play thing. I did 100 sit ups. I sweated.

For lunch he came and brought me a 40 dollar Jakfruit and some longans.


I peeled some of them here.

I also got a DURIAN
I made smoothies with dates



He invited me to a football game. I said no.

I think the Canes are way cooler, he is a Gators fan.

I was not really in the mood to be around anyone, but I know I have to be social.
He is a very sporty guy. He loves testosterone, he is on sports teams, loves to show off and talk about his zillionaire clients in South Beach towers.

But he is my friend, my lawyer friend. I remember I used to think top lawyers were so cool. Now they are so-so..

Oh I am going on a retreat! With the Boutenkos. No joke!!
7 days in Oregon.

This is me as I looked at the Cure Concert. I tried to goth it up


Anyways, I love talking on the phone to X. he makes me laugh so much. I laugh and laugh and laugh.

He is taking me to the new raw food restaurant tomorrow.

I also talked to my Georgetown friend. He is so smart and we are so alike in ideals. He invited me to L.A. for a day at two celebrities house, power couple.

I paid for my retreat in Oregon. 7 days. I long to make new friends and listen to others. I love people and I love being with others. I will be fed organic fruits and stuff everyday there will be deliveries, its on a farm too.



That is me. My trip to Indian Key I will never forget.  Look how big I am smiling.
I am so turned on to life these days.

My place is spotless. My 19year old girlfriend got mad at me cause I didnt want to go shopping with her. Its was like 9 pm and my mom was over and the new Twilight Zone with Jessica Simpson was on.

X invited K, my friend to the 4th of July party his family is having. He makes me laugh.
We talk to each other a long time each evening and IM each other all day long.
He has a software company, in the movie business and does so much more. His attorney flew in from NYC to see him and he could not see her, she is flying on the RED eye tonight so he had to go and meet her for a drink before she left tonight.

He ims me all the time, we have these little fun fantasies going where I call him PA, daddy or his "alter ego" Sam talks to me.

SO here I am, naked alone , in the dark, with such happy visions for tomorrow.

I loved nude sunbathing this morning. It reminded me of when I first went raw vegan and was reading Nature's First Law, and how I went through a phase where I slept out in my backyard at night and laid by the pool all day nude.

When I first went raw, so much inside me changed, I thought I had superpowers. I really really did. I thought since I was only eating raw fruits, nuts and greens that I was powerful like a super hero. I raced people, I arm wrestled etc.. and I thought that I was this child of nature
and tried to be in the sun alot and in the woods.

Many years later, I find I love civilization and being around people. I love people.

Its very shocking. Raw veganism. I believed every guru. I mean it seems like all raw vegan gurus have a THING..that is not right nor wrong, but theory, guesses..etc..

I will always be a closet raw vegan. Somewhere. I hang to much with cooked foodists and carnivores.

I remember in the everglades ( when I first went raw) I saw an alligator, and I would pet it.
I have many photos of me petting wild alligators. Because I thought in my crazy head that they could smell me that I would not eat them since I was a raw vegan.

Also, mosquitos would bite everyone right in front of me and I would be the only one without any mosquito bites. My sister was impressed. I thought I had superpowers.

Everybody feels that way at first.

Chronic infections I once had have never returned since 2003. Relationships since then have been totally different as well. I was a monster as a cooked foodist, trying to hide from the world and pretend and fool everybody I was normal.



I shouldn;t talk I did COOK food for my mom, Vagitarian food. Just kidding Vegetarian FOOD.

I made her
Rice Salad with Olives and Raisins, Celery

And for the fourth of July she is going to a BBQ so I have to make her a vegetarian meal so she does not eat meat


I also COOKED for her fried Mushrooms, Herbs and Potatoes.


I feel so good when I make her health(ier) food.
She got really fat and I want her to lose weight.

I should make her raw food I know. I just don't want to be made a freak around my family. Also raw vegan food is too precious and expensive to spend it on people who can't appreciate it like me.





Fourth of JULY

Last night was really magical. X took me to this man's house. He told me this man was short listed for Nobel Prize and Time magazine had him on a list of most influential men in the world for his work on xxx reseach and stem cells.

 He lived in this old two story mansion in Coconut Grove, and he said it was the oldest house in Miami, on Matheson Avenue.

The place was to die for, all antiques.

He also said he belonged to one of the most influential families in Italy.

Now I didn't believe any of it, but the night proved itself.

I had such a great time, listening to him and his wife who is also a very important person, I forget what though..MOMA art? Is that what she said, something high up..

Anyways. She cut cheese and gave us all wine. I had to pretend to eat and drink while x drank alot. He introduced me as his PARAMOUR.

I looked it up, it's:

par·a·mour (pr-mr) n. A lover, especially one in an adulterous relationship.

hmm..

also says ILLICIT LOVER, meaning unlawful lover..

That is funny. Interesting. He is a writer, by the way one night I asked him if he ever read, "Waiting for Godot" and he told me he met Samuel Beckett in Paris.
 
We were both so excited, I never met anyone who loved that play as much as I, he even remebered the 4 characters. he told me all about Beckett and how eccentric he was.

He also said he knew Bunny yeager when I emailed him some photos of Betty Page.


SO, then C the genius scientist, sits next to me with his camera. He begins to show off all his photos of Italy.

There was a tiny island, filled with castles. That is where he has villas, he showed me, it was so romantic, and ancient, these buildings.

A huge company XXX we all know we see the commercials on tv, are shareholders in his companies and some of them are the best on their own industries.

I saw photos of beautiful things and his beautiful daughters.

Then these two Italians show up in funky clothes, weird european glasses and expensive jewelry a frail woman who smiled at me, stared at me, smiled and tried touching me all night. Stared, seductively. All she spoke was Italian.

We went to dinner at the Sonesta where we watched the fireworks from the balcony. I forgot my camera, but I did have my cell phone. Here was my view.

Good view of the fireworks over the Sailing club and park in Coconut Grove.
I went there once to see Shakespeare
with the Mayor of Miami a few feet away once.

These two scientists from TEL AVIV, Israel show up for dinner. They were saying how everybody around them is getting Nobel Prizes, that they work next to and with and they get skipped over.

We ran into X's best friends at a table with his family, they live on Granada Golf course two blocks from me.

Everybody had children and babies, twins and married people were everywhere in this hotel.

So I knew I was in a cool place. The sonesta was nice.

We were going to go to the sailing club after but didn't.

C has many many boats, some that sunk.
He was telling everybody once a year he takes high school students in the Virgin Islands and teaches them how to sail, students from all over the world. Over several sailing boats.


I was so impressed, I loved it, I shone! I was in my rightful place, my mind competed and I could hold long conversations all night with these GENIUSES!!!

X explained later he could not believe it, I CAN TALK TO ABSOLUTELY ANYONE he said.

He loved my dress. I had to keep pulling it up. It was black lace on top and white on bottom, real classy, everyone loved my shoes, girls in the streets flirted with me in front of my group It was really obvious he was with a good looking girl.

Here I modeled it in Mirror

SO anyways,

Back home at my place, it was melancholy and sweet.

X said " I love you........I mean, I love your body.."

Or, "After you come back from your retreat, I want you to think about being my girlfriend.."

Later he said
" I meant hybrid girlfriend, imaginary girlfriend"

"But you could be my girlfriend"

"Can't we just have a FANTASY NOW, a fantasy, that you love me..say you love me.."

WHAT A HOT MESS!!!!!! 

(as my friend Krystal always likes to say!!)

It was so beautiful, I mean, really magical, we talked all night in my room.

He told me I could sleep with anyone I wanted and he would not mind. I said I didn't have to. But I don't expect a man to ever be monogamous to me, but I can to him, and not expect the same. Touching moment.

I don't think he cares about getting me pregnant at all. My god. In the animal kingdom he is an alpha male. So I don't mind either!

I love smart people. I think its a subculture and I never ever have been normal. Billionaires, geniuses, powerful people are such a minorioty they are considered freaks, its a subculture.
It's the one family I want to be in.


OK dinner was something else. It was PRIX FIXE, I panicked,
 I had to eat a salad. I was hungry, and what couldI say in front of these people? Sliced fruit please?

No way. I had to pick at a salad and for the entree which all choices were meat, I picked a side of Hearts of Palm salsa  with a ceviche dish( I did not touch I left the dish alone). I just picked out tomatoes and had the green leaf it was on.

I had so much fun.

X got invited to three more parties but we didn't go. One other party was an Asian girl with breast implants on South Beach and others were friends.

X is so amazing, the way he talks, is very popular way of talking. He always talks about the best things in other people, and when cornered about his own accomplishments he turns it to reflect well on his friends.

All night they were talking I guess ONE of their businesses in going worldwide but their name is taken in Japan, Italy and some other place so they need another name.

They buy and sell names for their companies like nothing...patent things, trademark things, grab, sell.. invent and think what is taken and what is not.

X has gotten me email addresses for example like Goddess@ or a bunch of them domains I MAY someday want, just as a gift to me. He says you don't want to know what I had to do..

I hear stories of the connections they have and the things they have done for their friends in trouble.

I am so impressed, he is an amzing amazing person.


He is also a member of Equinox, the gym I joined, he said he also got a free one on one pilates class and he fu—d the teacher.

Hmm. He tells it all to me. I like it, it doesn't bother me. He admitted to having the same sex drive as JFK. I think I am the only girl in the world that finds that a little attractive



Oh by the way, I guess Brad and Angelina Jolie stayed at one of C's villas in Italy, is that impressive? He said Angelina was much prettier on film, he was really disapointed.

/////////////////////

Meanwhile, two nights ago, I went out with the attorney who keeps iming me.
 
I went to see the movie WANTED with him. It was sooo good. I loved it.

I was supposed to go to the raw food restaurant with X but he cancelled. I didn't want to stay in alone, that is dangerous..


Ok, Anyways, that night I was out with
the SOBE attorney to see a movie. The one with the great dane who ate my 32f
( too small cup size anyways) bra.

I got mad at him, pouted and told him I never want to see him again. I slammed his car door when he dropped me off. I HAD IT!

Why?

He took me to a movie, I went to V's secret to buy a bra for my dress. He watched me pay for it, didn't offer, that's ok. Fine.

He watched me go dress shopping, didn't offer to help me financially. Ok fine.

But when I want someting to drink, something that costs 4 dollars, he will offer to pay for me.

I mean what is the difference between a dress I like and me wanting a juice?

What pissed me off about all this, is he wanted me, wanted me for sex after the movie..for what, a ten dollar movie ticket?

I don't even like him like that to begin with, I did him a favor by letting him take me out after all the begging.


I told him he takes me for granted, who does he think I am?

I thought for sure we would never speak to each other again.

An hour later and all day yesterday and today I get all these messages:

"PLEASE, you DAZZLE ME, LET ME TAKE YOU TO CAPE COD, HORSEBACK RIDING..I can do those things for you! PLEASE"..and all day begging to speak, whining, and ..OMEGA type male behavior

The term omega (ω) is an antonym often used in a deprecating or self-deprecating manner to refer to member at the bottom of the social hierarchy. The omega is subservient to all members



I feel bad now. But I can't date Omegas.
One by one I am dropping men from my life. I don't mean to, I need friends for those in between days. But I know my worth, its not being vain, I really know it.

And I consider alot of time I give away charity sometimes.
It's because I do that that esteem is lowered of me. If I am going to be free than you better be so amazing, if not, I need other perks.

I can't be nice to everyone who gives me attention.

If you aren't amazing, there are other perks I am sure, it can be possible for me to fall in love with. Just don't expect me to fall in love with nothing. I like alpha men, I like father figures. Protectors, providers, hunters in the business world.

 I am old fashioned and instinctual.

I want to be a woman, not a man!

I do not want to play with the boys or play like the boys. I want to be feminine.

I want a provider. Not someone to compete with. I want to do my job as woman. I hold the key to the future in my womb.

Yes, sex is given away for nothing next door, for free, and these days girls are more aggressive than men.

But I know and understand men fully. I do. I know what bothers them tremendously. The itch inside. Lifelong.

If I am going to give them what they want more than anything, shouldn't I get something in return first?


It can be anything, attention, relationship, committment, dinners, gifts, trips, but it has to be first class because I consider myself that. I am excluding love from this. I just mean casual sex for fun.


But for someone I inherently want to impregnate me, ( unconcious, instinct)  I have to find someone who is everything I want, EVERYTHING.

Otherwise mortality of my gene pool...extinction of my own gene pool, is assured. Immortality gone.

I only get one chance to make it right.

I think all people get one chance to make it right, really right..with each person.



Otherwise its chaos and disorder and feminists running cutting off men's cocks.
Call it sexual freedom? Feminists hate women.

Children give men a purpose..single men are very dangerous..family is what gives life order. Women at work distract men whose wives are at home.

I admit I am highly sophisticated. But My instinct I feel.

I no longer want to have a career other than family. I will feel fulfilled.

Most women who get degrees give it up to raise a family, its a wasted career. More women go to college and then after grduation and marriage, quit to raise kids. CEO's all over that are women, aren't fulfilled and quit.
 
Let men be men.


I read  that women in the army slow everybody down and they can't throw grenades so they make grenades smaller endandering everyone and when a girl gets pregnant its expensive and costs us.

Also that men risk their lives to save them and it makes all men there to fight men's battles very confused!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Monday JULY 7

Its my mom's bday tomorrow.

Today I took three dance classes in a row. High energy ones.

At Equinox gym. At the mall. Here are the steps up to it


At 8 the whole place is teeming with people. I saw an actress I recognize from tv all dressed up.

I took FUNK which is like MTV video dances choreography. Blasting music. Combinations and at the end we were all dancing. Its funny, its so not like me to dance to stuff like YO DIGGITY and JUMP JUMP. But fun.

Then I did a class with weights and poles. That was awesome. My legs! Packed class  too.

My last class was ZUMBA. It was so much fun. I was in heaven and happiness. Zumba is like merengue or salsa but workout, not dancing, very high energy.

My gym is on this floor I am looking down from at the Village of Merrick park mall


Coolest mall around


Nice fixtures and water



I have been a little out of focus lately.
Just a little.

I have eaten some raw vegan foods. A little.
I am not quite sure I can live up to all fruit all the time. Its been hard on me.

Of course I had to go to the new raw food restaurants that just opened up.


Its not that I want raw vegan food, its just my first love. I have memories of tastes.

I do not want anything that isn't alive.
At these raw restaurants I really didn't eat raw vegan, just that I wanted it.

The smoothies were made from frozen mamey pulp. Not really raw. The lasagnas had bread as layers instead of tomatoes and very heavy with nuts.

I could not eat alot. I tasted some of my mom's and my friend K's. So yummy!!

I enjoyed this strawberry parfait with was unearthly.


THE ART OF FOOD MIAMI

It was half a clothing store, leftist politics.


Was not that great. They were out of everything raw.

How can you sell a burrito as raw when the tortilla is not raw, its supermarket bag tortilla. "but everything else inside is raw." the waitress says..

Fake raw Burritos and lasagna, not that appetizing. It was sliced cucmber and tomato sauce with cashew blended ( not even truly raw cashews I bet)

The raw falafels were nasty I tried 1/4th of one.
Spit it out.


I had the cucumber and grape soup



I did not touch the greens, that was cucumber and tomato sauce as "lasagna" not that good at all, and not raw vegan chef for sure.






I went to LIFE FOOD RESTAURNT with John Schott. the new raw vegan restaurant.

This is a REAL RAW VEGAN CHEF, master
he does use lots of nuts, no fruitarian menu.
For transition raw food dieters or raw vegan splurge food.



BLOWS the art of food away



My mom and K ordered everything. Lasagna, Pizza, Burritos, cacao shake and I had this amazing berry parfait.

I did try all the food though.amazing.
I miss raw vegan. Life food.
Not processed recipes, once in a while, maybe.


Marilyn was on the wall





I love mamoncillos. They sell these on street corners


My mall


This is another ad for my new gym

so weird.
For a gym ad.



JULY 8th

Today was different.

I had to spoil my mom for her bday meaning all day I sat in hair salons or went all over looking for pets to buy, and I ate dinner with her. We had not alot to talk about. She was happy today.

I got Tapas of apple and tomato stuffed cucumber and gazpacho.

I was so hungry, I got later raw vegan zucchini hummus and cucumber pate, tons of juices and oranges.

I do not think I want to be fruitarian any more. Definitely a life foodist but not just fruit. I am craving too much.

Being in dance classes makes me very aware of my body. Being sedentary and alone makes me feel over confident about my body but when in public like in dance classes next to skinnny hardbodies I realize I have a lot to work at. Comparing myself I feel so small and insignificant. I always want to be the best.

I want to learn from others. I want others to teach me things. People I admire and worship, I want to follow what they do and what they can teach me. I want to follow orders.

I no longer want to be the "I" but I want to be what I like .

Soon its time for my retreat in Oregon. One week Long. I will be there for a week. I know and trust that hopefully I will get back on track, on the track I am supposed to be on.

What is my course in life? Do I create it or do I follow what others tell me to, do I trust whole heartedly what experts out there know?

What is hunger and control about? I was watching a documentary on anorexic girls and they all say that they have an urge for control. They want to control the only thing they can, their diet..because when they were a child they felt helpless or out of control. So its about control. Hmm, I don't see it. I mean when one is hungry one has to obey the stomach..not the mind..

Same thing with our instincts. We say and do one thing but we find we are very unfulfilled...when we go against nature's bidding. Like when mothers go to work instead of making a home for children. Years go by and they only see kids on weekends. I mean there are tons of people and they should be allowed to do whatever..but breakdown of family eventually leads to breakdowns of community..etc etc confusion, unhappiness..

Do I wish I lived in the boonies or in the big city? I am sophisticated. I am.

ALot of times I can't even look at men. Too much work, too big a game, too annoying or too challenging. I am sure men feel that about women sometimes. Complicated..a game. A game where one has rules and boundaries. Rewards and punishments.

Like,"good monkey here is a biscuit" or " Bad monkey no biscuit for a week!"

I have come to a conclusion that if something makes me unhappy IGNORE IT. Meaning the person. The idea. The issue.
Not just forget about it, but don't mention it.

And just focus on what makes me happy. What makes me happy and what gives me life? Others give me life. I give life. Inspiration gives me life. I want to follow what is perfection.

I have been making alot of lists lately. Lists for this and lists for that. How to be happy how to be a perfect this or that. Idols, chores, jobs, plan...

I follow my instincts alot. I do, and they bring me to places where my fantasies are very fulfilling ones.

I have been reading THE STORY OF THE EYE by GEORGES BATAILLE. I have been reading it over the phone to a friend.
I can't say if I am terrified or, yes I am terrified. It terrifies me, but I use that book as a textbook into the hearts and eyes of men. To read them.

I picked up VICE magazine in the hair salon. What a GREAT magazine. I got the Mexico issue. I have never read a magazine as cool as that in my life. The photos are a little pornographic and they have a story Mexican EMOS vs. MEXICAN PUNKS ( two lame subcultures) and also forget the emos here are the Mexican Skinheads and I saw spreads of Mexican skinhead girls with chelsea haircuts. Very cool.

The magazine also interviewed senior citizen women who used to be real whores and they told some crazy stories of back in the day.

All I wanted to do was be at the gym today but I had to entertain my mom it was her Bday.

Is control giving everybody what they want all the time? I ponder this. Following orders. Having no mind of ones own. What if it were true?

It is Midnight and my brother and his girl went out to play night tennis.

X had a tournament today. A tennis one. He is getting Lasik. He got 4 other people to get it too. Thanks to me. and Pepito..

I will find my balance again soon. I will I will do everything right, or try to.

Oh this documentary about anorexic girls also said they one thing they all have in common is an obsession to do "the right thing" all the time.. I have that obsession.
well the right thing for whom? Does that mean I have anorexia?

I mean, who is watching me? Who am I doing right for?
For the world? For a person? Do I need a master or an idol to follow?


An obsession with healthy eating and fear of unhealthy food is called orthorexia nervosa. I have that. For sure. I want to always look good, never age and be beautiful. I am a little obsessed with feeling good internally too. Working out alot and centering my life around health. Not crap new age stuff but what works for me.


I wish I could eat burgers and feel as good as I do now on this live food diet. I can't. I don't feel good at all eating fatty foods, and even healthy foods like SUBWAY subs do not make me feel good. I have to eat raw vegan. I feel like I never felt at age ten.. I feel I have been lied to about everything and I had to find out what was real food all on my own.

How can I trust what anyone says about anything?

 Millionaire Doctors with kids who are obese and scream " I want Burger King!!!" and are so hyper, snotty noses and koolaid grins, who cannot remember the school they go to..with obese mothers that have diseases, faces full of age spots and balding, and mistresses who smoke..they tell me I am unhealthy eating raw vegan? and I need 8 food groups a day? While they eat Chicken Szechuan and have a beer belly? And they have total faith in what they believe?

It saddens me.

I do not even believe in Organic anymore. Just wordy labels.
marketing..this book I am reading calls it " Supermarket Pastoral"..

I love fruits and veggies but these days canned foods and packaged processed foods with chemicals are called organic.
That is a lie. Organic is organic. Now its like a label that sells billions of dollars worth of craftily created idea of faux natural. Just so people feel better.

The same farmers run the organic farms that run the conventional ones. The food also, is the same, its just the Organic have littler to work with...

Is an Organic tv dinner better for your health than commercial? I really doubt it, really.


Our future is corn and soybeans..processed corn and soybeans. That is what we are made up of. The corn syrup in soda to the Chicken McNugget..all corn..chicken flavored corn.

READ THIS
CLICK HERE


Tomorrow I will feel better , I know I will. Things will look nicer. I will be happy. I may do a juice fast until Thursday.

I am having lunch with a friend at Books and books.

Good night. Whoever you are. I wish I could inspire you tonight. With something. I wish I could make you smile.