Fruitarian Girl Suvine

What is in Oregon? JULY 16/ MY HIPPIE VACATION WITH PHOTOS/ LOVE WEDNESDAY/ Bittersweet Dark Knight

suvine@gmail.com (Suvine) — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 23:52:50 GMT

I am blonde blonde now. I like it. That necklace sure was heavy. I will never forget yesterday as long as I live. Today is the day after yesterday. Beautiful.

That is me yesterday at The Ritz in Miami, the lobby. I was so happy.

I am going to OREGON tomorrow, a raw vegan retreat, lots of green smoothies and fruit, hikes and stuff

I am excited to go out there and see trees that are not tropical.

I ate Apple/Cucumber fennel salad today. I stayed on the internet all day and slept alot. I dreamt of many nice things.

There is a possibility when I come back I will have become a raw vegan permanently meaning I include greens.

No big deal. But this diary will be different. If I don't like it I could always come back.
I should have gone somewhere more glamorous but sometimes these woodsy hippie things are just what I need.

I love nature, well, maybe not really, but I need the rest, from what? I do not know. I do know I need Nature.

I need to be aligned, something needs to feel right. I want everything in my life to be right, aligned, perfect, as it should be.

My life is so complex, complicated, and I long for simplicity honesty and beauty. That entry I wrote yesterday was really hard for me.

I plan on coming back from Oregon a changed person. I want to be more in tune with the happiness and joy that is childhood.

I want to see cleanly, I want to be clean. I have been dealing with cravings and trying things I shouldn't be for example.

I want to be clean, but with that comes alot of acceptance of things. I have to accept that I am happy and safe, and always taken care of, protected.

I am loved very much, loved for my youth, my beauty, my clean teeth, who knows for what reasons. I go to workout, I have a nice body, I am soft, I am eager and open and very very vulnerable.

I am an animal just like you and I lay on you with my arms around you and I feel happiness. I feel I am home. I am home. We play and spend all day in bed doing things that are so great.
I am happy you came into my life. You are happy I came into yours. Like a gift, you took away 10 years off me. I am young again, I will never be unloved this time. I will be 100% complete this time around. I will never worry nor think of how am I to survive, because I belong.
Happiness is here with you. I feel like a woman, you make me feel like a woman, a child with womans body and its enormous this thing I have, I feel.
I feel happy I laugh and I want you to know my smile is as wide as it is red.

/

I have that feeling of happiness in my blood, I feel young and alive, ready to do whatever it is that would make life great.

My arms are exposed and I just want to have hands rub them and circle my shoulder sockets. I rub my hair on them. HOT BATHS AND CANDLES

Soon my plane leaves. I will sleep on the plane. Oh, going on cold planes. When I get to the retreat I want to sleep all day. I do not like yoga so I will have to skip those classes. My plane ticket is double the price of the retreat classes on raw vegan diet and stuff. Who would have known!

Meanwhile Me with my blanket on the plane with my body asleep while the hum and air blow at me. Over 5 hours riding in a giant plane, a monster. Going somewhere I have never been. To bunk beds and maple trees? Deer?

I am sending you a kiss, on your shoulder and your cheek, your hair is so soft, your neck so fragile.

/

I will miss my gym. These flowers are by the sign in desk I see every morning
I am an orphan and my gym is the orphanage.
I should get the laundry option of my membership. behind the flowers in the blue bag is where your laundry goes.

Outside by the chairs where the statues of peacocks are
sometimes I wait for the next class to start.
This is like 6 am, I just arrived. When I leave my place its dark.
Stores like Burberry and Williams and Sonoma HOME. Borders is on the
third floor. I look at the books, always checking out the vegetarian
section to see if there is a new raw food book out yet. Not in a long time.

Are you gonna miss me?

I am homeless and sleep in airplanes. I get touched my massage therapists in those chairs while I am waiting for flights. I eat the same orange orange, red shiny apple and yellow banana they sell in every airport. The dark red cubes of old watermelon and dried out orange shapes of cantaloupe. The strawberries all mushy. I walk around with hot water with both hands around it, because I always forget to dress warm.
The airports always have CNN on. I try to read but can't. I pace around looking at the magazine covers in the book shops. South beach or Miami bells, baby spoons and magnets. Coconut balls, chocolate bars, gummy bears or chips, sodas and Nyquil. I walk barefoot thru security always remembering to push the bins through and hope they don't hold my bag. remind me to bring my Ipod.

Yes. Ipod. Ayn Rand on Audio Book, the Cure or some FEIST
remind me to always fly on Virgin Airlines when I go to Europe so I can I.M. people in other seats. That was nice.

Slip inside my mind. I want to wear you around my neck. I smell you. I smell that smell. Smells of house and blanket.

I lost my 14k sailboat pendantby the way. It fell off somewhere. I am hoping its in my bed somewhere. I stopped sleeping in my bed.

In Nordstroms I looked at the jewlery. Skulls are popular and pieces of fruit. Birds and large flower rings. I hate the maternity look in dresses. Little girl frocks of silk. I went to the MAC makeup section and this little boy tried to tell me I had the wrong foundation. My hand is not the same as my face. Maybe I want to be whiter and not darker. Remind me to buy clips I want to do the pin-curl look.

I tend to fall asleep in my futon in the living room, close to the wall that is the outside world. I am growing a double chin from reading lying down. I fall alseep with the book on my chest.

I went swimming the other day. I did. In my pool, this old lady came out and sat in a chair and watched me. The post man came and ignored me. Didn't look at me once.
We have a parking lot cat who is very sick, pink eyes and exposed sores. Lives under cars.

I wish I could go to Iceland again. I was talking about it the other day. What a cool place. Dubai is next for sure. I still want to go to Zurich. SOmeone asked me the other day where our trip is going to be. I forgot what I said, oh, I gues NYC was offered. I wasn't very impressed. But I will go to NYC. Switzerland is better though. Anywhere on horses I will go. If I go to Dubai I want to see Polo teams play because alot of royalty play in those games.

July 16th

I am at my retreat. Having the best time.
I have tons of photos and strories, I took notes.

There is no internet service here and I am in this office I am not supposed to be in to say that I will post by
the 20th everything.

So beautiful Oregon, but the politics suck, everybody here is busy hating George Bush just because its the thing to do. I haven't seen this since I was last in Arizona. People don't even know why except for things they see in magazines or see photos of. The world is terrible because of him, their world sucks because of him. LOL

Anyways, lots of liberals here. I knew it. They are saying power is bad for mankind, it sucks, and man should all unite and other communist ideals such as Money will never bring happiness. Americans too..I have to ignore it.

But I learned so much about research and raw foods. I have so much to tell.

I am so touched by the people here who have touched me intimately.

I have to go!!!! I will post the 20th!!!!

Back in Miami

I will be up all night posting photos here, cell phone and Nikon D70 ones.

I am so far behind and so much has happened. I don't know how I will catch up.

So much has changed in my life.

Lets focus on now.

I am no longer a fruitarian. All week I had Green smoothies, meaning like 50% fruit 50% GREENS. I am a raw vegan.

I notice changes, but let me get to that later.

My roomate at the retreat had a mole fall off her. I took a photo of it. I will post all this and tell you everything.

Tonight I went to the Coral Gables Merrick Park Mall Gym called Equinox.

There was free fruit platters and free waters for members.
Lots of pineapple, banans, grapes etc..

I took 3 classes in a row, Zumba being my favorite. The guy gets me so pumped up.
Sweat like you would not believe!

Lots of work with bars and lifting weights while squatting and dancing. That is called Rio Rocking Body class. Hardcore.
My body feels tight.

Tomorrow I am going to take another one of his classes again. If I go at night I will take 4 classes in a row.

I am a serious exercise addict!
Running on empty I wanna be.
The gym is a nice life.

I lost alot of weight in Oregon. My god. I look fine. but weight is not longer an issue.

At the retreat we did alot of Byron Katie workshop stuff so I no longer have certain issues, because I questioned alot of them, even cleaning my apartment stressful issue, gone.

Last night, ---- picked me up from the airport. Pure pure bliss.
All night all morning, like animals. No condoms, no safe sex nothing. I have never ever had sex like that. I have never been more turned on in my life.

but I know my cycles, I ovulate next week while I will be gone so its all cool.

Lying in bed, "Pure bliss"
he said. He mentions alot how compatible we are.

When I close my eyes I get scared, I see images of him eating me, killing me, slicing me open. Unconciously I am scared of him, but it turns me on also. Maybe I have to work on that with Byron Katie questions. Maybe I am scared of me around him, for example, or maybe he is scared of me, all valid reasons.

I will start working for him after I get back from Washington DC. I already made those plans along time ago and he told me to go, its fine, make money come back and start working for me.

He fed me papaya and oranges and we lay under candlelight.

Tonight walking under star down Segovia avenue, from Merrick park, I felt this love in the air, the kind of love that doenst discriminate, it loves everything. I love myself. I burned inside with this heat.

It feels like pleasure. Ecstasy, under stars, warm summer night. Crickets and trees and little gingerbread mediterranean houses. My skin feels warm, alive, intense, I feel this inside me, this mad love of everything. Love for me.
Bliss alone.

I am not done. I will be up all night posting photos here.

I have so much to mention and talk about. My trip.

I took sooo many photos.

My hippie vacation, what a retreat!!!!!! Wait til you guys see what I did!

Oh god, nothing feels this good, this is liquid sex, liquid love, liquid height inside my being right now.

I am who I am. I am and I love myself!!! I am what I have always wanted to be and always loved. I am the highest woman I have dreamed of. I surpassed my goals. Long ago.

I had wonderful things, I had them, have them will have everything imaginable. My life just gets better and better.

I am the face of pure desire if I ever desired a woman, that would be me right now. I am so perfect, in my dark mysteriousness, in my cloak of death, or black..whatever you want to see me. I am an ice princess. I am that woman, archtype of the moon.

Blah blah just trying to express myself. Sorry if it sounds too weird, I feel hot love burning inside my chest, my heart, is warm with this heat, burns burns burns

takes away sadness, takes away death, is death is pure love.

"Dyslexia- what a gift!" was the title of a film we watched, I will explain it all later.

This lady found out she had cancer and laughed, I love cancer, meaning to welcome and love your tumor for example.

"I look forward to ...for example, getting my heart broken.." and just loving whatever life throws at you. It doesn't make sense but I will explain things I got and learned from my hippie vacation.

Oh it sure was hippie. A real organic farm..raw food farm. They had sooo many crops!! I even did sungazing class! I took photos of everything.

Many girls lay in the grass touching each other, hugs , everywhere I looked, free love.

Children had names like Zenin..or Jericha.

So tonight was beatiful.
Let me focus on downloading all them photos. Cell phone photos first.
Oregon from the plane, look how pretty the Earth looks:

Its funny, on the airplane I flew, at the back of SKY Magazine for Delta or United I forget, look who I saw! On the backack of the magazine on every single plane.

Its Rawmodel.com guy. The raw foodist model passionate about wheatgrass and raw foods. I read his blog all the time so I was surprised to see this.

I also learned Rob Downey Jr. IRONMAN, goes to all the raw food restaurants, is seen in all of them, and he really does drink Green Smoothies, outside of that scene in the movie! That is what these Raw foodists from Santa Monica told me.

Girls lying in the grass. Oregon Girls.

Chickory

Edible

Lots of green smoothies were served. Sweet Savory and Green puddings

You can add dulse to the savory ones

Tom helped me alot. It was so amazing. He is really cool. Total hippie, lefty, liberal though
Barefeet..

Fun waiting for the toilets

Hugs AND BANANAS

I bought these Marilyn Glasses and amazing Citrus peeler that really works!

The Wedger is different than the usual wedger.

The retreat was on AGELS ORGANIC FARM

A raw food farm
lots of veggies there

Here is a Green Pudding they served
at movie time

Oregon is dry and hot.

I met these guys

All of them extra ordinarily bright. All cured themselves of
stuff like diabetes, asthma and I forget, but all incurable supposedly..from raw foods alone, just in two weeks symptoms disappeared.

This is my roomates mole that fell off while on Green Smoothies

That is a mole, my word!
Fell off after a night of pain.

Dr's kid,

We watched a funny film
Sergei made

Raw for 12 years since a child.

I ate a lot of Plum Cherries off trees, yummy

We watched alot of Byron Katie movies, I love this woman, genius genius!

Eckhardt Tolle put me to sleep, I left for his films.

I tried this tingly shampoo Victoria uses

Baby grapes

This is Sergei Making Green Smoothie film

Here is an article on RAW FAMILY

They said its illegal in the United States to feed a child an All raw vegan diet, can you imagine, our natural diet is illegal?

Yellow Cucumbers from the farm

These raw foodists refer to each other as DIVINE LOVER

I have so many more photos
sigh too tired, look at this girl:

I have so many photos, a zillion, I am too tired to do any more posting!!
Hasta Manana

WEDNESDAY

Today I went to the Gym at Equinox in the Merrick Mall.

I still have photos to upload here from my trip.

Anyways at the gym I worked out really hard. We had this cord we had to walk side by side while standing on and it had so much resistance on it, it was stretchy.

I saw ---, this attorney in Coconut Grove. He called me out of the blue, an apparent booty call. He usually does that. I just cant say no. It's like being with a zero, he is hot and cold the next minute. But he is very special in a strange way.

Truth is I do not really want him, he is too young for me, a smalltown attorney, not even his own law firm yet, just graduated from GWU. Plus he likes drugs and has a coke as in cocaine record from law school.

On my couch 5 hours ago

He was so nervous around me. He really stared at me and hugged me alot and I felt him shaking.

Has a young handsome blonde body, filled with turmoil I feel. There are thoughts I have and there is reality.
Nothing is wrong seeing him.

I took a photo of him.

Thing
that bothers me, is that he said he showed up yesterday and said I wasn't home.

I CANNOT have guys showing up at my door!! Without notice. I broke up with S because he did that to me.

Out of the blue. Its too risky. What If I was not alone? How to explain that?
Thank god I tell the truth.

I might not have to tell anyone about this time tonight unless asked.

I think I will let this slide. His good looks put me in a good mood. His silentness, he is quiet and thinks alot.
He really is terrified of me. I can tell.

I have so many books to read.
I do.

I am starting to overshop and collect mad things. My place won;t be able to hold all the things I buy pretty soon.

I always throw away mountains of clothes.

I had my place cleaned. It took almost 4 hours. lol. I sat there watching a Boutenko DVD.

I teased Coconut Grove attorney about how many Prozacs he is on.

He doesn't use condoms either, but at least he pulls out. Puts me in a bad position because, well, I wanna if I accidentally get preggers I have no idea who father is and that is bad.

I am pretty sure I am ok though. I do not ovulate until next week.

I just can't say no. He carressed my hair and talked with me for a very long time. He is so gentle. He got embarrassed when I asked him what his fantasies were. He said he likes "hair" and that he likes older women. "Milfs" I call them or cougars.

Strange lover, meaning sometimes he can other times he can't. Too many pills, too many drugs. I know, I KNOW he was hinting at doing some painkillers with me.

I feel this pain and sadness. I asked him what he talked about with his psychiatrist and he said something about goals and how he messes them up.

He comes from a very rich Jewish family in Miami. The last time he had sex was 4 weeks ago. I feel inside he is terrified of me. He is a hermit crab. Retreats for weeks, months, years.

I met him on a dating site. I ran into him walking his dog, outside the Flamingo on South Beach with baby 25 year old attorney, the one I dumped instantly when he told me he was a liberal..the one who quit his job to be ( Sports celebrity MiamiHeat)'s lawyer..since then he calls me on and off.

/

Guess what x just called me after --- left... actually while he was still here but I had to call him back. I feel so guilty sometimes by having multiple affairs but I still am noone's girlfriend yet..

He had a 5 hour tennis match.

Oh by the way he met the guy lead singer from Marooon five (?) at a party, he wants to get into film and was introduced to him. He told me that he was a vegan.

He wants me to meet him at Cafe Vialetto in Coral Gables to meet his attorney, to impress, manana, I guess. I am arm candy, I know. It's close to my gym..
I will make him look good, of course, no worries there!

He said after I get back from DC I will only be working for him. I feel bad for making plans to leave. I had no idea I WOULD REALLY BE WORKING FOR HIM and so soon.

Coconut Grove attorney
---asked me about my work, he knows my bosses and the law firm and inquired, I told him I took time off which I did and just never returned.

Here is a photo I took in OREGON at Angel's Organic Farms raw food farm it was.

Is that cool, I went for a hippie walk, long story, we had to walk in silence naming things for the first time as if we were god..lol, anyways I found this, its cool. I was taking photos.

Victoria Boutenko has a sister from MOSCOW here:
and a daughter:

Valya is the sweetest girl, she gave me a massage and filmed me, she has been raw 14 years. She makes films

If you don't know who she is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXmR13gKpdg

Oregon girls above, the mister is in the back, this is where we all had classes and stuff.

Bittersweet Dark Knight

I saw Dark Knight.

Cute girls:

(Movie Bathroom)

What a great movie. I see myself all throughout that movie.

Christian Bale is so cute. I always liked him since American Psycho. I knew he was amazing then.

What positive glowing ideas about money in that movie.

I love Money, it is the highest good, the highest moral good.

I saw previews for
a movie coming up called

Disaster Movie..

and I laughed so hard.

Here is the trailer
http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi4242080025/

Isn't it funny>?

I am too tired to post photos of Oregon. I wil do that tomorrow.

I just had green smoothies
(Mango and Parsley and another one with peaches and Mache)

and salad tonight.

I don't know about the salad, but I like green smoothies now.

--- was sick today. In bed all day.

My sister eating a coconut in Bora Bora

I am reading FRESH by Valya and Sergei Boutenko. Great great book.

To quote Byron Katie:

HEAVEN="This is wonderful, I could stay here forever" HELL= "This is not quite perfect"

I went to Nordstroms and took this

I notice cool things, what were these girls doing?

This is the juice bar at my gym

Painting in Nordstroms

Those birds are everywhere in Coral Gables. I see them in people's yards every morning.

I am reading this great book about love and there is a quote, " If you are worried about losing something, you already lost it" and it made no sense, but its true, you already lost your peace...or that is how I see it.

There is so much I think Love will bring me, this or that, but all love is is I. Seeking love will push it away, be an obstacle to it.

When I mess up in love I feel lost abandoned and LOVE will fix it of course.

But all love is, IS LOVE.

Love doesn't bring, guarantee, promise or is conditional.
Love is LOVE, love for a murderer, love for a killer, love for a hero, love is there loving everything.

Yes.. I see..

Love is different from NEED.

For sure.

I see things.

---- says things to me like " I know you are perfect for me, ..right now.."

and I am like in my head thinking, " What did he mean by 'right now'?"

I seek approval and seek approbation and I beat myself up over these ideas people mean things they didn't.

For example a fear I have may be, " HE WILL LEAVE ME"

I can't know for certain that he will leave me, and am I bad if he does?

Is it true that he will leave me as my fear says? No its not true, he leaves me all the time and I really don't mind. I like when he leaves sometimes.

Leaving permanently is what I meant, and how am I to know his mind or the future, I can't possibly know!!

When I think that thought "He will leave me", I feel scared, like I have to plot and plan, and I feel like I could lose everything if I don't watch my step.

Without that belief (that he will leave me), I feel...
like we are a team, like we know each other, like we are good and happy and I feel such joy.

To turn it around I can say

I WILL LEAVE HIM
which I could, I have done it before. He does have bad habits..

I will leave myself, yes that could happen, I could leave myself and be out of control and do something I regret..

He also could leave himself and I would be left with a mess too, he could lose control
of course, and that he has a few times. or once or twice..

I can look forward to him leaving me, yes, I could, it would make me still wonderful, I can await that moment with joy, so then nothing can scare me. I would be free.

SO that idea, he will leave me, is really not true.

All that is what I got out of the love book today.

I used HE WILL LEAVE ME as an example of any fear we have if we analyze it, it goes away.

I did it with my mom..she got alot out of answering questions about a stressful thought, and when we turned it around and looked at it, it wasn't true at all. It was so funny how UNTRUE it was!

Byron Katie is amazing writer. I am her new fan.

Saturday morning////Strangest night ever

suvine@gmail.com (Suvine) — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 12:49:37 GMT

All I had today was pine nut mylk with cacao and dates. I have to lose a ton of weight. I workout three times a day at a gym. I really want to get into shape. I also wear a ton of make up.

I wake up at 5 or 7 am to go to gym and do three classes in a row. I sweat and dance my ass off. In a x-small sports bra, I have to otherwise I will be in pain.

I had lunch with X to "talk about my future" that is how he put it. It was an interesting date for me, because he wanted to talk about me. I am a little afraid of him. I know I absorb alot that people have good or bad. I sense something dangerous in him, like if I was blind I could sense it. I sense, I think I can sense his frequent wine drinking under his skin, like a smell of death..its ok, drinking champagne everytime I see him still is no big deal.

He is dangerous. I sense alpha male aggression and possible jealousy in the future. I have to play my charms right.

I like people to know what is up with me. I let him play call me his "girl". I am just afraid of that as he is.

He told me he wants me to meet this woman Saturday. She owns a modeling/talent agency. He says he gave her her big break years ago by introducing her to a big Playboy photographer and eventually she now runs her own business.
I am so terrified. I really am. He told me I was beautiful and to promise I will be this beautiful Saturday. He really thinks I can model.

He says such nice things about me all the time. He notices the attention I get, is proud to be with me.

He asks me if its ok that he take me under his wing.
Also he is starting a business and he says it just might be a mutli million dollar one and he could hire me to do something with website. He mentioned it before I am really good with computers and internet stuff.

He says he wants me to make real money and to never go back to a crummy law office job.

Two huge supercelebrities are looking over a script he is partnering on. A superhero sequel we have all seen. He was telling me about it. Laughing and with details. I sit in awe.

We walked around town. We talked about Madonna and A Rod. He says he knows him from the Biltmore Hotel Gym and he told me a very funny story.

He belongs to the same gym I belong to.
I have seen so many beautiful people there. Handsome men in the choicest suits. Very good looking people. Its like a meat market for men. I wish it were only women so I would not be so confused. Testoterone. I would not last long in the gym that is why I only take dance classes in studios.

Today at the gym I took 3 classes at 6 am. AB BLAST, this funky one class with weights, balls and rods and then ZUMBA. My favorite. I would have taken POOL BOOT CAMP but I had a lunch date. Zumba is high energy, running across floors and jumping like ants on fire.

He drinks alot and told me why. He may have to institutionalize his mother. Its sad. We also sat in Houston's. he told me I was the hottest girl in the place, and that I am so beautiful. He asked me how many hearts have I broken. That made me sad. I talked about it. Flattery, puts me on a pedestal.

He bought me a book. He took me out to La Dorada. All I had was blended tomato gazpacho.

Later I ate zucchini slices with a little raw vegan germinated almond pate, made me really full. I do not want to be 100% fruitarian anymore, again. Maybe it will pass.

Lots of Orange and watermelon juice

Tonight I am making apple/zucchini/cucumber juices.

I am watching Marilyn Monroe movies and looking at Marilyn Monroe books. Like in the movie All ABout Eve, I study Marilyn as if she were a play or plans for a building....
She turns me on to something..

I wore a pink silk dress.

This was a cucumber stuffed with apples and tomatoes and vinaigrette

He did Psyche tests on me. He laughed.

He asked me:

What is your favorite animal ( three times)

I answered

A CAT CAUSE ITS SEXY
A MONKEY CAUSE THEY ARE PLAYFUL
A SNAKE CAUSE ITS COLD

The answers are :

1. How you want others to see you
2. How others see you
3. How you see yourself or how you really are

I had a lot of fun.
I see he is attracted to me. I read it, it makes him attractive to me. But once he starts drinking wine the compliments flow. I know its the wine talking.

Is that funny? I told y'all I am an ice princess!

I did a personality disorder test

Here are the results, y'all should take one

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

Wow that is funny. Histrionic?
It doesnt sound all that bad, sexiness, princess, seductiveness, sexually provacative..
I said yes to stuff like I like to please others and be sexy. I had no idea that was bad and a disorder. LOL

Isn't that all good?

Click
PDF some photos

I got an enema bag in the mail.

wow I absolutely love it. I do not need the douche part.

Miami Building downtown
driving in car I took photos

Read this ( I am a pineapple my sister is a chicken wing)

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7481026.stm

This is my friend

She came over my mom's and ate a whole plate full of ice cream, a mountain, I would not shut up about how bad that was and how she can't eat like that!!

I watched this movie CONTROL about the band JOY DIVISION. Here is the trailer for the movie, it was sooo good (turn off my radio in sidebar )

I knew all the words and I cried when Ian hung himself. In the movie special features section there is a video and there he is doing his epileptic dance and I FEEL when I see him. I sense anguish and pain, uncontrollable exposure to pain.

This band, I cannot express, they have BEAUTY MELANCHOLY I know every word to every song, they had such a hold on me for many years

I love this man, Ian, his fits on stage, his pain, I really feel when I hear his music.
(turn off radio in sidebar)

Here is the real Ian, much hotter

Here is U2 and BONO talking about how much they loved him too( at the end of this)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flVEoNuEYgE

Every band has covered them, every cool band..there are even cds that have bands covering them like Tributes. That is how much they are loved.

This video he is doing his crazy seizure dance, the song sucks live but you can see him in action, so beautiful to watch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVc29bYIvCM
He at shows has actually gone into epilepsy fits on the floor and it would stop the show. He literally had very little control over his body.
This is a better version of that song, my favorite
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeC3zxDi5zI
Actually this is the Studio version of She's Lost Control, isn't it beautiful?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGMDBppWBOo

Strangest night ever ever ever

Last night
I can't explain.
I sometimes don't want such a private diary
but eyes like mine are so unique.

X picked me up we had dinner reservations with that lady at this place I never heard of.
She couldn't make it.

We went to the Ritz in Coconut Grove and laid out by the fireplace on a couch

and ordered hot water for me and Pinot Grigio for him and I read to him "Story of the Eye" by Bataille. I had on a red dress, no bra, low cut..no underwear, high heels. He wore casual shirt and pants. We snuggled and louged for hours. Watching the fountain, the storm outside and the people at the bar.

Then we went to this place. I am so glad I went. I thought I knew the best restaurants in Miami. This place 4 star diamond awards, it was spectacular. The theme was these monkeys. There was beautiful fixtures, and these monkeys dressed up as colonial butlers as lamps

and a magnificent view.

He ordered caviar, They had Osetra and beluga. Like 300 bucks each. Came with dishes of hard boiled egg, white, onions, scream, capers and toast. He ordered Oysters, with tomatillo ssauce and Oyster sauce, bottles of wine, tuna tartare topped with wakame, raw and then some slices seared. The bread that came to our table smelled like cinammon and was round and large.

I had the chef prepare me the best Green Papaya Salad I ever had and this salad with citrus segments and blended tomato soup.
I was really really impressed. It takes alot to impress me remember!

Oh the stories he told me, that model lady, who in New York dated a billionaire and the guy called him saying he was going to break up with her and hired someone to video tape a famous model on her knees freaking out that he dumped her. What a cruel man. Now she is married to Donald T-'s -----.

I heard amazing stories like that, He confessed his buddy this week tried to set him up with the actress who danced a tango with Al Pacino in some movie but he declined.

Pi--Brosnan beat him to this book rights to this book in one day, and he had a chance to buy the Divine Bell book rights but chose not to and it went to win Golden Globe award..
all these stories that made me laugh..

He confessed he has a sex drive that is unnatural. I told him its normal , its healthy a and it will never go away. We confessed we are not jealous people. He said he thinks about sex all the time everyday, will it ever stop? His sex drive overtakes everything.

/

BTW
I was never jealous of ----- .The reason I did not like him was because he took more than he gave me. I admired his sense of getting the best "deal" or "steal" of every circumstance in business and life but I didn't like when he did it with me.

/

We talked about the movie Wanted and he said one of his screenplays is being compared to it and how Liongate works and blah blah blah and who is who and what is what in the movies and G Clooney said this about him this week... I was so interested all night.

Then he Asked me a funny question, " Are you with me because of my money and is that is what this is all about for you?"

He said" because alot is riding on that answer so be careful how you answer it" after I answered.

" What is riding on what?"

I said "Yes of course, that is the reason I am with you" To me I pride myself on that. Of course. Money is the root of all good and I want to be part of the elite subculture, the "freaks", the minority of true wealth.

I mean, for two weeks work, he can make a billion dollars! What is not to be proud of that?
For real, who can do that? Who else? Of course I admire that, I see heroism!

We both share Histrionic and narcissistic personality disorders I thought was funny.

He brought up what my job is going to be working for him and his fear is I will be too much of an artist and he needs me to be a businesswoman. How he hates firing people. He wants to be sure I can do it. He explained what the company is. He wants me to make real money.

He maybe had too much to drink. He said I tell the truth and he is so glad because he really trusts me. Its true. Even when it hurts me I tell the truth!

If he is a POOR writer, would I be with him he asked, and I said "NO!" Of course not. I am proud of that.
He laughed.

He then told me how much he is worth and explained where and what he does. He explained he will have an empire soon and all his companies and how that billionaire called him up and congragulated him on his success and on and on. He said if he died tomorrow, thousands of people would be at his funeral. I have no idea he said.

The women who he turns down, stories of fucking in Corfu or whatever and virgins and their greek brothers chasing him demanding he marry their sister.

Ok.

I was so happy to hear stories. I told him Pride is one of the highest virtues.

So listen to this, this is where it gets strange.
He paid an enormous bill, too drunk to walk, confessing things, accomplishments, things you wouldn't want people to know..

He decides he wants to take me to his house. Wants me to sleep over. This is a huge step.

Then we go to his place while he makes me watch VERTIGO and I admit it was the best neurotic movie ever. We talked about the entire time. Its about Alfred Hitchcock, the movie. How sexy was that movie? I mean the curl in the girl's hair was so erotic. The bridge in the background, the symbolism.

He takes me in his room and yells:
" I WANT YOU TO HAVE MY CHILD< MY BABY.." over and over.
It was so "fantasy" "romantic" "touching" "real"

" I want you have my baby now"

My blood boiled and I went white.

" I want to have you for 40 years, no I want you forever!"

and guess what, he really acted like it. I acted like it..

In the morning when he was sober he acted the same way.

" My wife my wife" he would whisper to me. I loved it. Very fun. I said nothing of course. I let him talk all he wanted.

He said he doesn't want to lose me. Why would he say that? What gave him that idea?

I had brain orgasms like better than seeing Robert Smith of the Cure in Concert..I felt like an animal. I was so happy, joyous, ecstatic, we laughed all night, I bled all over his sheets, everywhere in fact..

I was like the girl in the office who has a blood stain on her skirt and everybody sees it and talks about it for days. So embarrassing.

His maid is supposed to show up, and even the maid is bringing a daughter from her country to MEET him. My god. Everybody wants to set him up with their friends or family.Because of his wallet. God.

But to tell you the truth, he would never be with me if I was ugly. So both men and women are shallow.

I woke up and I saw a photo he has next to his bed of him and this girl. I think the Italian fiancee he dumped.

What a bachelor pad. A place in Coconut grove around all these trees. My god. Its like my place, a mess. I need a maid too. Junk everywhere, statues art, papers and books. He actually lives in San Francisco and L.A.

Not only that but when he dropped me off. I guess he felt guilty or something, or embarrassed for calling me his "wife" all night..

he gave me a check, he said it was my advance for the xxxxx job he is hiring me for.

It was alot of money!!!! Of course I accepted it. I laughed. What a man.

"Yes " I answered " I am your girl". he asked.

My god. He is incredible.

I felt ten years have been taken off my life.
What have I been doing since childhood? Have I been dead for 15 years?

I have. He awakened me, to my instincts, to my animal, carnal crazy madness lust. He touched me like no other man ever. He said we made love but I say he fucked my skull. I am so graphic and honest.

Its ok, Suvine is not my real name. Noone knows who he is.

I have to be real careful if I am blogging about him. He hires detectives on me and believe me he has no idea about my online identity. He will never know and if he finds out I will delete everything until it blows over.

I am protected. I have to keep a diary, who am I going to tell?

My girlfriends couldnt handle the truth. My mom would be jealous. My sister would judge me harshly. My diary here is my life.

He asked me if I still had feelings for MBH. He said he thinks he met him at M-- Justice's birthday party in Pinecrest, he was pretty sure he had a beer with him. He said he wants to meet him. And jjjj,

Did you know when I was in Martha's Vineyard, he actually called me and wanted to speak with JJJJJJ and I let him and he talked to him?

They like each other. JJJ talked to him and they laughed. Obviously they are on the same level but JJJJ is way smarter, he thinks. They want to meet each other very much.

My boyfriends liking each other? Wow. that is new, lets just all have a party! I will be the only woman there.

He said I was so beautiful. All night he told me I looked good. I felt at home with him, safe. My eyes nothing but happiness. I am happy when I am with him. Like a child. Father figure, hero..I am a child, I am nowhere but here with him.

Honestly, noone tops him. He told me, I am the most important man you have met so far.

I told him he never has to worry about me leaving him for a lesser man. I could never embarrass him like that. It just gets better for me too.

What a night.

I am going to post some photos I took last night!! He talked about my art. I am not an artist, I don't want to make a living off it, its unfulfilling to me, its just a hobby for me. I told him that.

Tomorrow I am going to Oregon for a week. Then I might see ____ and go to that fundraiser July 19th at Jim c-ey's and JennyMc-'s house. I saw them in the tabloids this week. I am soooo weak kneed about celebrities

/

I took 4 gym classes in a row!!!

Who does that?

I do!

One class I had to wear these boxing gloves and punched a punching bag leftrightleftrightrigthleft..left left! Set to techno music. Then KICK SHIN KICK pivot! back!
For an hour. I sweated. The guy would not let me rest. He looked like the hulk with a cute face. Testosterone filled the room. I smelled it.

The men sweated all over the floor. I wiped it up myself with a towel before the next class. Pools, puddles.

I also took a step class which is nuts too. You have these combos on steps and side to side kick and turn and cha chas on floor and then step this side kick left right arms up. You have to memorize something so fast.

Dance class was fun, the teacher really danced like a video vixen, and then later a weight class with 20 lbs on my shoulders squatting to music. My god.!!!!
Or we had to lie back on tilted steps with hand weights to our sides.

This bar that weighs 15lbs we have to hold up and tilt side to side to fast music for ever. Then do these kicks while we hold the bar in one hand.

I smelled nasty!!! sweated so much. Sweated in my panties.

I am going to live at my gym. I love it. I am so free there.

I am like MBH now, no life but the gym.

Indian Key Islamorada Key West/ Juice fast day 1/Wed/FRI FOURTH OF JULY..Sat day/ TWO RAW VEGAN RESTAURANTS/ Mom's bday

suvine@gmail.com (Suvine) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 23:36:26 GMT

I was so happy today. I was so happy today. I was so happy today

All alone on an island. Agave plants, coconuts, nothing but fun. I was taken there on a boat.

It was called Indian Key and deserted. There was a lookout post and coconuts everywhere. It was all to ourselves. Paradise, survivor Suvine.

Earlier in the day
Had nothing but a bowl of raspberries and three fresh squeezed OJs at this place called Berries in Coconut Grove where I sat in the back looking up at the trees with my bare feet in someones lap.

I went to Farmer's market and had Thai coconut water 3 quarts. I bought three lbs of Lychees

I rode in a car all the way to Key West ecstatic. Went to all the dives where they sell alligator meat.

A place called ALABAMA JACKS. Talked about the Kennedy's and Marilyn Monroe, Arthur Miller, Montgomery Clift. Clark Gable, Marlon Brando...Frank SInatra , Ava Gardner and my lateste obsession Howard Hughes..
I am a fountain of facts now.

My ride to the keys once dated Olivia de Haviland's daughter.

In Martha's Vineyard my bff friend met Howard Hughes face to face in the 70's when he was a trustee at M.I.T. Howard donated 20 million to the project that reseached
robots.

I took a ton of photos. I saw giant Tarpons, at tyhe docks. Man they were scary and their mouths kept opening up waiting for food people feed them.

giants ones and I put my hand out like I was gonna feed them and one flew out of the water attacking my hands and I screamed, fell over amd almost had a heart attack.

I had fun, laughing

I was so happy. I really am the best and have the funnest life.

I mean, really really really. I have never felt more awesome. I know my value in this world. Finally.
I know my instincts.

On the boat I was on I saw other boats

Like my hair? I dyed it blonde this morning. and cut some bangs. I got a lot of Mac Makeup too.

Later on I had gazpacho here. It was oooo nice this place, 2 hour wait for table
There were so many people, I forget what Key it was on.
Look its an island!!

Reminds me of that book Wide Sargasso Sea. I saw a typical two story plantation
house turned into a restaurant
I walked outside with my shoes in my hands.
It was somewhere in the Keys.

Romance, genius brilliance, pride, power, money.

I am better

Monday

An actor a few years ago who won Oscars, for this amazing movie, it was political, I can't name any names,
wants to buy my friend's script, his lawyers are working out a contract. He got him to agree to re write and make changes but only if he signed the contract saying he would star in the movie. I love this actor..

My friend is also writing a screenplay, a comedy, about me and him, long story..a comedy?

He also said the oscar nominated last year girl who was in xxxx is starring in another of his screenplays. Its not just screen writing,
but everything my friend touches, he makes millions. He buys everything and also designs. He is a multi millionaire, but for sure, Next year he will be a gallizionaire. A design one of his many companies designed is being looked at by XXX people. He knows absolutely everybody.

He saw me at Books and Books at a book reading. I used to go everyday and I really stand out I guess. He plays tennis. Wins tournaments. Gets mad if he loses and ims me angry stuff. I turned him on to Lasik. He is seeing another girl besides me. He teases me, tells me I like him. Or that we look like a couple.

I make it very clear, we are a "pretend" couple. He keeps asking me, " Am on your A-list?" "How many others?"

He dumped his fiancee after meeting me. He just sent her an email that while he is visiting Italy to please not visit him. Stay away. She said he has no heart and she wants him to show his next girlfriend heart. I feel very bad, because I know its because I said something to him that made him change his mind. I feel bad. I did say something. Like in Sex and the City. I did it.

I looked in my closet. Alot of books I have that were given to me as gifts, are personally signed from the author to me, and I never knew. A few are bestsellers.

He wants to take me to Ireland.

I am 100% sure this guy hired a private detective on me.
Is that funny? He took me to meet his family too one day.

I read on a bag that a best friend is someone who buys you books you have never read.

I want to go two weeks to a retreat and just be alone. I do. I am going to think about it today. It's in Oregon.

I have to Fly out to L.A. for one day for a fundraiser one of my pals from Georgetown, invited me to. A party at two super celebrities house.

Anyways I am doing a juice fast. Starting today Day 1.
Going to Wachovia now.

/

I am still juice fasting. My mom got me two watermelons.

I got my brother an Ed Hardy Tshirt. Cost me $200 . I took him and my nephew out to see the Movie WALL-E.

I made my mom cooked healthy food so she can lose weight.
I hope she can stay a vegetarian this time around.

I got a delivery but I am juice fasting, so I will wait until tomorrow. I probably won't eat. I don't feel like it, very full.

I watched my brother eat Fried pickles and ribs at Cheeseburger Paradise in the Sunset Mall. Watched my baby cousin eat baby hamburgers and his girl eat fish and chips.

Fruit Kebobs with some cashew dipping sauce

Banana pie?

Blueberry pudding/ice cream

Spiralized zucchini and raw tomato sauce.

5$ each tasting. Veggiemunn.com in Miami delivered it, alot more came. But I am too tired to photograph.

I bought the BREVILLE juicer, the best juicer I have ever ever seen in my life.

Martha Stewart uses it here. I was dropping whole zucchinis inside, pressure free, just like that, and it took out ALL the juice.

Watch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kguQEz-Rakw

Clean up was super easy

Not very flattering

Is she raw vegan? I read her fave restaurant is a raw one
and she must have her green juices everyday.
Also heard she had a threesome with Brad and Angelina.

Wednesday

I spent the night at this Attorney from South beach, and only cause he won't stop Iming me. Whether I respond or not. Lonliness made me say ok, pick me up, take me to your house where I will be spoiled. I am a diva in that house.

I like going over to his large house.

I spoke with
the man I really just adore, a multimillionaire who called me, as I arrived, so I excused myself.... I walked outside his house, walking around the blocks with all the trees over me. He lives quiet neighborhood, big lawns, no traffic..I laughed my head off.

So innocent so fun. I laughed. I was complimented, told wonderful things..adored..

I guess this other guys family liked me so much they invited me for fourth of July party.

I slept on the couch, was cranky and tired. No massages, nothing. Leave me alone.

His Great Dane woke me up.

I could not get up in the morning so I stayed, and while he was at work I went into his large backyard and sunbathed nude while his dog thought I was a play thing. I did 100 sit ups. I sweated.

For lunch he came and brought me a 40 dollar Jakfruit and some longans.

I peeled some of them here.

I also got a DURIAN
I made smoothies with dates

He invited me to a football game. I said no.

I think the Canes are way cooler, he is a Gators fan.

I was not really in the mood to be around anyone, but I know I have to be social.
He is a very sporty guy. He loves testosterone, he is on sports teams, loves to show off and talk about his zillionaire clients in South Beach towers.

But he is my friend, my lawyer friend. I remember I used to think top lawyers were so cool. Now they are so-so..

Oh I am going on a retreat! With the Boutenkos. No joke!!
7 days in Oregon.

This is me as I looked at the Cure Concert. I tried to goth it up

Anyways, I love talking on the phone to X. he makes me laugh so much. I laugh and laugh and laugh.

He is taking me to the new raw food restaurant tomorrow.

I also talked to my Georgetown friend. He is so smart and we are so alike in ideals. He invited me to L.A. for a day at two celebrities house, power couple.

I paid for my retreat in Oregon. 7 days. I long to make new friends and listen to others. I love people and I love being with others. I will be fed organic fruits and stuff everyday there will be deliveries, its on a farm too.

That is me. My trip to Indian Key I will never forget. Look how big I am smiling.
I am so turned on to life these days.

My place is spotless. My 19year old girlfriend got mad at me cause I didnt want to go shopping with her. Its was like 9 pm and my mom was over and the new Twilight Zone with Jessica Simpson was on.

X invited K, my friend to the 4th of July party his family is having. He makes me laugh.
We talk to each other a long time each evening and IM each other all day long.
He has a software company, in the movie business and does so much more. His attorney flew in from NYC to see him and he could not see her, she is flying on the RED eye tonight so he had to go and meet her for a drink before she left tonight.

He ims me all the time, we have these little fun fantasies going where I call him PA, daddy or his "alter ego" Sam talks to me.

SO here I am, naked alone , in the dark, with such happy visions for tomorrow.

I loved nude sunbathing this morning. It reminded me of when I first went raw vegan and was reading Nature's First Law, and how I went through a phase where I slept out in my backyard at night and laid by the pool all day nude.

When I first went raw, so much inside me changed, I thought I had superpowers. I really really did. I thought since I was only eating raw fruits, nuts and greens that I was powerful like a super hero. I raced people, I arm wrestled etc.. and I thought that I was this child of nature
and tried to be in the sun alot and in the woods.

Many years later, I find I love civilization and being around people. I love people.

Its very shocking. Raw veganism. I believed every guru. I mean it seems like all raw vegan gurus have a THING..that is not right nor wrong, but theory, guesses..etc..

I will always be a closet raw vegan. Somewhere. I hang to much with cooked foodists and carnivores.

I remember in the everglades ( when I first went raw) I saw an alligator, and I would pet it.
I have many photos of me petting wild alligators. Because I thought in my crazy head that they could smell me that I would not eat them since I was a raw vegan.

Also, mosquitos would bite everyone right in front of me and I would be the only one without any mosquito bites. My sister was impressed. I thought I had superpowers.

Everybody feels that way at first.

Chronic infections I once had have never returned since 2003. Relationships since then have been totally different as well. I was a monster as a cooked foodist, trying to hide from the world and pretend and fool everybody I was normal.

I shouldn;t talk I did COOK food for my mom, Vagitarian food. Just kidding Vegetarian FOOD.

I made her
Rice Salad with Olives and Raisins, Celery

And for the fourth of July she is going to a BBQ so I have to make her a vegetarian meal so she does not eat meat

I also COOKED for her fried Mushrooms, Herbs and Potatoes.

I feel so good when I make her health(ier) food.
She got really fat and I want her to lose weight.

I should make her raw food I know. I just don't want to be made a freak around my family. Also raw vegan food is too precious and expensive to spend it on people who can't appreciate it like me.

Fourth of JULY

Equinox gym ad:

Hey everybody I just joined an upscale gym. It is called Equinox, look at their ads, crazy huh I will try out all the classes. I get a free personal trainer hour and I get a special free pilates one on one training to try out.

I like dance classes and they are all free and I can bring two guests for free twice. NICE Its in the Merrick Mall that has shops by Betsey Johnson and Furstenburg, nice! I did good For my body! I am so cool!

I used to go to the UM gym, but this is sooo much nicer and better looking people. People with money LOL.

I am going tomorrow.

I bought a new dress and two BEBE shoes. They were on sale I was so happy.
On Miracle Mile I got a dress at Curves and Waves and the gay guy kept yelling at me to take off my bra, My "bad luck" bra and he was mean. I modeled tons of dresses.

The style now these days is the maternity look or the little girl frock look. I hate it. I like SKIN TIGHT dresses
that you can see my derrier nicely.

Anyways.

I am getting picked up soon to hang with a very preppy crowd, friends of X, they dress like they do in Martha's Vineyard he says so I have to look my best. My mom is frying up hot dogs with my brother in Matheson Hammock park by Fairchild Tropical Gardens. I had not time to cook her a vegetarian meal.

I will bring her to the gym to work out and lose weight.

I had nothing to eat yesterday, a few bites of watermelon, today nothing either. I wanna look good in my dress.
I had a thimblefull of Cucumber Pate.

I had a kombucha and a fresh squeezed OJ at Jamba Juice on the Mile.

I am reading a book about Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe.

I had no idea Peter Lawford was addicted to Orgies. He was molested by a nanny as a child.
I also had no idea Robert accidentally smothered Marilyn while her docotrs were there trying to
sedate her. She was violent.

For 50 years the housekeeper repeated what happened which is what we all know, that she overdosed.
But in 1985 she broke her silence and said that is what happened.

Anyways, I love America. Happy Fourth, I love you.

/

I look like a million bucks, I feel clean, I feel like I look like one of those models in Ocean Drive. I feel so beautiful in my new dress, cost $300 and new shoes. Just like I like them, high and high.

I made a little nutmylk with cacao to give me energy to stay up all night and party.

My legs are tanned, I laid out on the Ponce De Leon Park while this old man/pervert walked by me 20 times.
I didn't care looking is free when I am in public, lol.

I curled my hair and its blonde. Someone said I look like Bridget Bardot today. How nice.

I love music I love me, I have this cool mix tape for me MBH made me I am going to listen to it in the car, it has TV ON THE RADIO and CAT POWER. Yummy.

I lay here on my HARVARD blanket I got at the graduation and I am typing.

I got an EQUINOX tshirt free today too for joining. Membership is like $500 plus. Its so high class. And guess what alot of my friends already have memberships there.

It was either a gym or tennis lessons at the Biltmore Hotel and it is WAY too hot in Miami for that right now.

Also Equinox is in Tyson's Corner in Washington , which I go visit alot and also in NEW YORK, L.A. etc..
I think I had a friend in Manhattan who used to go to this gym.

I got treated like a star by these hot fine ladies. They laughed and made me laugh with silly jokes and WELCOME TO THE FAMILY and FREE TSHIRT and all these free passes for friends, free trials with Gym instructor and Pilates one on one.

I just like dance classes. They have funk this and funk that. I will try out FUNK. I love dance, there is HIP HOP too and ooh I am so happy. I will go everyday.
Why not.

I am sitting here waiting fo rmy ride. It should be an interesting night. I look good enough to eat.

Saturday

Last night was really magical. X took me to this man's house. He told me this man was short listed for Nobel Prize and Time magazine had him on a list of most influential men in the world for his work on xxx reseach and stem cells.

He lived in this old two story mansion in Coconut Grove, and he said it was the oldest house in Miami, on Matheson Avenue.

The place was to die for, all antiques.

He also said he belonged to one of the most influential families in Italy.

Now I didn't believe any of it, but the night proved itself.

I had such a great time, listening to him and his wife who is also a very important person, I forget what though..MOMA art? Is that what she said, something high up..

Anyways. She cut cheese and gave us all wine. I had to pretend to eat and drink while x drank alot. He introduced me as his PARAMOUR.

I looked it up, it's:

par·a·mour (pr-mr) n. A lover, especially one in an adulterous relationship.

hmm..

also says ILLICIT LOVER, meaning unlawful lover..

That is funny. Interesting. He is a writer, by the way one night I asked him if he ever read, "Waiting for Godot" and he told me he met Samuel Beckett in Paris.

We were both so excited, I never met anyone who loved that play as much as I, he even remebered the 4 characters. he told me all about Beckett and how eccentric he was.

He also said he knew Bunny yeager when I emailed him some photos of Betty Page.

SO, then C the genius scientist, sits next to me with his camera. He begins to show off all his photos of Italy.

There was a tiny island, filled with castles. That is where he has villas, he showed me, it was so romantic, and ancient, these buildings.

A huge company XXX we all know we see the commercials on tv, are shareholders in his companies and some of them are the best on their own industries.

I saw photos of beautiful things and his beautiful daughters.

Then these two Italians show up in funky clothes, weird european glasses and expensive jewelry a frail woman who smiled at me, stared at me, smiled and tried touching me all night. Stared, seductively. All she spoke was Italian.

We went to dinner at the Sonesta where we watched the fireworks from the balcony. I forgot my camera, but I did have my cell phone. Here was my view.

Good view of the fireworks over the Sailing club and park in Coconut Grove.
I went there once to see Shakespeare
with the Mayor of Miami a few feet away once.

These two scientists from TEL AVIV, Israel show up for dinner. They were saying how everybody around them is getting Nobel Prizes, that they work next to and with and they get skipped over.

We ran into X's best friends at a table with his family, they live on Granada Golf course two blocks from me.

Everybody had children and babies, twins and married people were everywhere in this hotel.

So I knew I was in a cool place. The sonesta was nice.

We were going to go to the sailing club after but didn't.

C has many many boats, some that sunk.
He was telling everybody once a year he takes high school students in the Virgin Islands and teaches them how to sail, students from all over the world. Over several sailing boats.

I was so impressed, I loved it, I shone! I was in my rightful place, my mind competed and I could hold long conversations all night with these GENIUSES!!!

X explained later he could not believe it, I CAN TALK TO ABSOLUTELY ANYONE he said.

He loved my dress. I had to keep pulling it up. It was black lace on top and white on bottom, real classy, everyone loved my shoes, girls in the streets flirted with me in front of my group It was really obvious he was with a good looking girl.

Here I modeled it in Mirror

SO anyways,

Back home at my place, it was melancholy and sweet.

X said " I love you........I mean, I love your body.."

Or, "After you come back from your retreat, I want you to think about being my girlfriend.."

Later he said
" I meant hybrid girlfriend, imaginary girlfriend"

"But you could be my girlfriend"

"Can't we just have a FANTASY NOW, a fantasy, that you love me..say you love me.."

WHAT A HOT MESS!!!!!!

(as my friend Krystal always likes to say!!)

It was so beautiful, I mean, really magical, we talked all night in my room.

He told me I could sleep with anyone I wanted and he would not mind. I said I didn't have to. But I don't expect a man to ever be monogamous to me, but I can to him, and not expect the same. Touching moment.

I don't think he cares about getting me pregnant at all. My god. In the animal kingdom he is an alpha male. So I don't mind either!

I love smart people. I think its a subculture and I never ever have been normal. Billionaires, geniuses, powerful people are such a minorioty they are considered freaks, its a subculture.
It's the one family I want to be in.

OK dinner was something else. It was PRIX FIXE, I panicked,
I had to eat a salad. I was hungry, and what couldI say in front of these people? Sliced fruit please?

No way. I had to pick at a salad and for the entree which all choices were meat, I picked a side of Hearts of Palm salsa with a ceviche dish( I did not touch I left the dish alone). I just picked out tomatoes and had the green leaf it was on.

I had so much fun.

X got invited to three more parties but we didn't go. One other party was an Asian girl with breast implants on South Beach and others were friends.

X is so amazing, the way he talks, is very popular way of talking. He always talks about the best things in other people, and when cornered about his own accomplishments he turns it to reflect well on his friends.

All night they were talking I guess ONE of their businesses in going worldwide but their name is taken in Japan, Italy and some other place so they need another name.

They buy and sell names for their companies like nothing...patent things, trademark things, grab, sell.. invent and think what is taken and what is not.

X has gotten me email addresses for example like Goddess@ or a bunch of them domains I MAY someday want, just as a gift to me. He says you don't want to know what I had to do..

I hear stories of the connections they have and the things they have done for their friends in trouble.

I am so impressed, he is an amzing amazing person.

He is also a member of Equinox, the gym I joined, he said he also got a free one on one pilates class and he fu--d the teacher.

Hmm. He tells it all to me. I like it, it doesn't bother me. He admitted to having the same sex drive as JFK. I think I am the only girl in the world that finds that a little attractive

Oh by the way, I guess Brad and Angelina Jolie stayed at one of C's villas in Italy, is that impressive? He said Angelina was much prettier on film, he was really disapointed.

/////////////////////

Meanwhile, two nights ago, I went out with the attorney who keeps iming me.

I went to see the movie WANTED with him. It was sooo good. I loved it.

I was supposed to go to the raw food restaurant with X but he cancelled. I didn't want to stay in alone, that is dangerous..

Ok, Anyways, that night I was out with
the SOBE attorney to see a movie. The one with the great dane who ate my 32f
( too small cup size anyways) bra.

I got mad at him, pouted and told him I never want to see him again. I slammed his car door when he dropped me off. I HAD IT!

Why?

He took me to a movie, I went to V's secret to buy a bra for my dress. He watched me pay for it, didn't offer, that's ok. Fine.

He watched me go dress shopping, didn't offer to help me financially. Ok fine.

But when I want someting to drink, something that costs 4 dollars, he will offer to pay for me.

I mean what is the difference between a dress I like and me wanting a juice?

What pissed me off about all this, is he wanted me, wanted me for sex after the movie..for what, a ten dollar movie ticket?

I don't even like him like that to begin with, I did him a favor by letting him take me out after all the begging.

I told him he takes me for granted, who does he think I am?

I thought for sure we would never speak to each other again.

An hour later and all day yesterday and today I get all these messages:

"PLEASE, you DAZZLE ME, LET ME TAKE YOU TO CAPE COD, HORSEBACK RIDING..I can do those things for you! PLEASE"..and all day begging to speak, whining, and ..OMEGA type male behavior

The term omega (

ω

) is an antonym often used in a deprecating or self-deprecating manner to refer to member at the bottom of the social hierarchy. The omega is subservient to all members

I feel bad now. But I can't date Omegas.
One by one I am dropping men from my life. I don't mean to, I need friends for those in between days. But I know my worth, its not being vain, I really know it.

And I consider alot of time I give away charity sometimes.
It's because I do that that esteem is lowered of me. If I am going to be free than you better be so amazing, if not, I need other perks.

I can't be nice to everyone who gives me attention.

If you aren't amazing, there are other perks I am sure, it can be possible for me to fall in love with. Just don't expect me to fall in love with nothing. I like alpha men, I like father figures. Protectors, providers, hunters in the business world.

I am old fashioned and instinctual.

I want to be a woman, not a man!

I do not want to play with the boys or play like the boys. I want to be feminine.

I want a provider. Not someone to compete with. I want to do my job as woman. I hold the key to the future in my womb.

Yes, sex is given away for nothing next door, for free, and these days girls are more aggressive than men.

But I know and understand men fully. I do. I know what bothers them tremendously. The itch inside. Lifelong.

If I am going to give them what they want more than anything, shouldn't I get something in return first?

It can be anything, attention, relationship, committment, dinners, gifts, trips, but it has to be first class because I consider myself that. I am excluding love from this. I just mean casual sex for fun.

But for someone I inherently want to impregnate me, ( unconcious, instinct) I have to find someone who is everything I want, EVERYTHING.

Otherwise mortality of my gene pool...extinction of my own gene pool, is assured. Immortality gone.

I only get one chance to make it right.

I think all people get one chance to make it right, really right..with each person.

Otherwise its chaos and disorder and feminists running cutting off men's cocks.
Call it sexual freedom? Feminists hate women.

Children give men a purpose..single men are very dangerous..family is what gives life order. Women at work distract men whose wives are at home.

I admit I am highly sophisticated. But My instinct I feel.

I no longer want to have a career other than family. I will feel fulfilled.

Most women who get degrees give it up to raise a family, its a wasted career. More women go to college and then after grduation and marriage, quit to raise kids. CEO's all over that are women, aren't fulfilled and quit.

Let men be men.

I read that women in the army slow everybody down and they can't throw grenades so they make grenades smaller endandering everyone and when a girl gets pregnant its expensive and costs us.

Also that men risk their lives to save them and it makes all men there to fight men's battles very confused!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Monday JULY 7

Its my mom's bday tomorrow.

Today I took three dance classes in a row. High energy ones.

At Equinox gym. At the mall. Here are the steps up to it

At 8 the whole place is teeming with people. I saw an actress I recognize from tv all dressed up.

I took FUNK which is like MTV video dances choreography. Blasting music. Combinations and at the end we were all dancing. Its funny, its so not like me to dance to stuff like YO DIGGITY and JUMP JUMP. But fun.

Then I did a class with weights and poles. That was awesome. My legs! Packed class too.

My last class was ZUMBA. It was so much fun. I was in heaven and happiness. Zumba is like merengue or salsa but workout, not dancing, very high energy.

My gym is on this floor I am looking down from at the Village of Merrick park mall

Coolest mall around

Nice fixtures and water

I have been a little out of focus lately.
Just a little.

I have eaten some raw vegan foods. A little.
I am not quite sure I can live up to all fruit all the time. Its been hard on me.

Of course I had to go to the new raw food restaurants that just opened up.

Its not that I want raw vegan food, its just my first love. I have memories of tastes.

I do not want anything that isn't alive.
At these raw restaurants I really didn't eat raw vegan, just that I wanted it.

The smoothies were made from frozen mamey pulp. Not really raw. The lasagnas had bread as layers instead of tomatoes and very heavy with nuts.

I could not eat alot. I tasted some of my mom's and my friend K's. So yummy!!

I enjoyed this strawberry parfait with was unearthly.

THE ART OF FOOD MIAMI

It was half a clothing store, leftist politics.

Was not that great. They were out of everything raw.

How can you sell a burrito as raw when the tortilla is not raw, its supermarket bag tortilla. "but everything else inside is raw." the waitress says..

Fake raw Burritos and lasagna, not that appetizing. It was sliced cucmber and tomato sauce with cashew blended ( not even truly raw cashews I bet)

The raw falafels were nasty I tried 1/4th of one.
Spit it out.

I had the cucumber and grape soup

I did not touch the greens, that was cucumber and tomato sauce as "lasagna" not that good at all, and not raw vegan chef for sure.

I went to LIFE FOOD RESTAURNT with John Schott. the new raw vegan restaurant.

This is a REAL RAW VEGAN CHEF, master
he does use lots of nuts, no fruitarian menu.
For transition raw food dieters or raw vegan splurge food.

BLOWS the art of food away

My mom and K ordered everything. Lasagna, Pizza, Burritos, cacao shake and I had this amazing berry parfait.

I did try all the food though.amazing.
I miss raw vegan. Life food.
Not processed recipes, once in a while, maybe.

Marilyn was on the wall

I love mamoncillos. They sell these on street corners

My mall

This is another ad for my new gym

so weird.
For a gym ad.

JULY 8th

Today was different.

I had to spoil my mom for her bday meaning all day I sat in hair salons or went all over looking for pets to buy, and I ate dinner with her. We had not alot to talk about. She was happy today.

I got Tapas of apple and tomato stuffed cucumber and gazpacho.

I was so hungry, I got later raw vegan zucchini hummus and cucumber pate, tons of juices and oranges.

I do not think I want to be fruitarian any more. Definitely a life foodist but not just fruit. I am craving too much.

Being in dance classes makes me very aware of my body. Being sedentary and alone makes me feel over confident about my body but when in public like in dance classes next to skinnny hardbodies I realize I have a lot to work at. Comparing myself I feel so small and insignificant. I always want to be the best.

I want to learn from others. I want others to teach me things. People I admire and worship, I want to follow what they do and what they can teach me. I want to follow orders.

I no longer want to be the "I" but I want to be what I like .

Soon its time for my retreat in Oregon. One week Long. I will be there for a week. I know and trust that hopefully I will get back on track, on the track I am supposed to be on.

What is my course in life? Do I create it or do I follow what others tell me to, do I trust whole heartedly what experts out there know?

What is hunger and control about? I was watching a documentary on anorexic girls and they all say that they have an urge for control. They want to control the only thing they can, their diet..because when they were a child they felt helpless or out of control. So its about control. Hmm, I don't see it. I mean when one is hungry one has to obey the stomach..not the mind..

Same thing with our instincts. We say and do one thing but we find we are very unfulfilled...when we go against nature's bidding. Like when mothers go to work instead of making a home for children. Years go by and they only see kids on weekends. I mean there are tons of people and they should be allowed to do whatever..but breakdown of family eventually leads to breakdowns of community..etc etc confusion, unhappiness..

Do I wish I lived in the boonies or in the big city? I am sophisticated. I am.

ALot of times I can't even look at men. Too much work, too big a game, too annoying or too challenging. I am sure men feel that about women sometimes. Complicated..a game. A game where one has rules and boundaries. Rewards and punishments.

Like,"good monkey here is a biscuit" or " Bad monkey no biscuit for a week!"

I have come to a conclusion that if something makes me unhappy IGNORE IT. Meaning the person. The idea. The issue.
Not just forget about it, but don't mention it.

And just focus on what makes me happy. What makes me happy and what gives me life? Others give me life. I give life. Inspiration gives me life. I want to follow what is perfection.

I have been making alot of lists lately. Lists for this and lists for that. How to be happy how to be a perfect this or that. Idols, chores, jobs, plan...

I follow my instincts alot. I do, and they bring me to places where my fantasies are very fulfilling ones.

I have been reading THE STORY OF THE EYE by GEORGES BATAILLE. I have been reading it over the phone to a friend.
I can't say if I am terrified or, yes I am terrified. It terrifies me, but I use that book as a textbook into the hearts and eyes of men. To read them.

I picked up VICE magazine in the hair salon. What a GREAT magazine. I got the Mexico issue. I have never read a magazine as cool as that in my life. The photos are a little pornographic and they have a story Mexican EMOS vs. MEXICAN PUNKS ( two lame subcultures) and also forget the emos here are the Mexican Skinheads and I saw spreads of Mexican skinhead girls with chelsea haircuts. Very cool.

The magazine also interviewed senior citizen women who used to be real whores and they told some crazy stories of back in the day.

All I wanted to do was be at the gym today but I had to entertain my mom it was her Bday.

Is control giving everybody what they want all the time? I ponder this. Following orders. Having no mind of ones own. What if it were true?

It is Midnight and my brother and his girl went out to play night tennis.

X had a tournament today. A tennis one. He is getting Lasik. He got 4 other people to get it too. Thanks to me. and Pepito..

I will find my balance again soon. I will I will do everything right, or try to.

Oh this documentary about anorexic girls also said they one thing they all have in common is an obsession to do "the right thing" all the time.. I have that obsession.
well the right thing for whom? Does that mean I have anorexia?

I mean, who is watching me? Who am I doing right for?
For the world? For a person? Do I need a master or an idol to follow?

An obsession with healthy eating and fear of unhealthy food is called orthorexia nervosa. I have that. For sure. I want to always look good, never age and be beautiful. I am a little obsessed with feeling good internally too. Working out alot and centering my life around health. Not crap new age stuff but what works for me.

I wish I could eat burgers and feel as good as I do now on this live food diet. I can't. I don't feel good at all eating fatty foods, and even healthy foods like SUBWAY subs do not make me feel good. I have to eat raw vegan. I feel like I never felt at age ten.. I feel I have been lied to about everything and I had to find out what was real food all on my own.

How can I trust what anyone says about anything?

Millionaire Doctors with kids who are obese and scream " I want Burger King!!!" and are so hyper, snotty noses and koolaid grins, who cannot remember the school they go to..with obese mothers that have diseases, faces full of age spots and balding, and mistresses who smoke..they tell me I am unhealthy eating raw vegan? and I need 8 food groups a day? While they eat Chicken Szechuan and have a beer belly? And they have total faith in what they believe?

It saddens me.

I do not even believe in Organic anymore. Just wordy labels.
marketing..this book I am reading calls it " Supermarket Pastoral"..

I love fruits and veggies but these days canned foods and packaged processed foods with chemicals are called organic.
That is a lie. Organic is organic. Now its like a label that sells billions of dollars worth of craftily created idea of faux natural. Just so people feel better.

The same farmers run the organic farms that run the conventional ones. The food also, is the same, its just the Organic have littler to work with...

Is an Organic tv dinner better for your health than commercial? I really doubt it, really.

Our future is corn and soybeans..processed corn and soybeans. That is what we are made up of. The corn syrup in soda to the Chicken McNugget..all corn..chicken flavored corn.

READ THIS
CLICK HERE

Tomorrow I will feel better , I know I will. Things will look nicer. I will be happy. I may do a juice fast until Thursday.

I am having lunch with a friend at Books and books.

Good night. Whoever you are. I wish I could inspire you tonight. With something. I wish I could make you smile.